05/06/07 The Silly Isle

So anyway, I set off to Arran with 7 others for a weekend of golf (don't let that fool you...I am as cool as fuck), and general merriment...
One of the slight drawbacks in living in sunny Haymarket is that I occasionally have to park my motor under a row of trees.
As well as the said motor getting coated by a kind of sappy gloop stuff which the trees emit, a group of resident crows use my motor for shitting target practise.
These aren't dainty little 10p size jobbies...no sir...it looks like terradactyl size stools...and my poor Mondeo gets savagely splattered with keech.
I try my best to keep my car clean and meticulously valet it, however all this is outwith my control, and consequently I was subjected to a weekend of constant ridicule regarding the state of my car...
Shocking behaviour....
We left sensibly early and had plenty of time to enjoy a relaxing coffee at Ardrossan before boarding Caledonian Macbrayne's finest to begin our voyage to the Isle of Arran.
The relaxation element was abruptly curtailed when I discovered I'd left my jacket with my wallet in it on Ardrossan Pier at the cafe.
Result!
With 3 minutes till sailing time I ran down the gangway and into the cafe desperately shouting at random officials if they'd seen my jacket.
It turned out it had been handed in and was on the ship...and so with seconds to spare I ran up the gangway and had to leap 15 feet through the air just managing to grab the rail of the boat and haul myself on board, (slight exaggeration, but more or less accurate)...
Had a couple of rounds of one of the best and quirkiest golf courses in the world..Shiskine...just a 12 hole course..but brimming with character...
(don't let this golf talk fool you...I am as cool as fuck, ok?)
Colin obviously felt slightly aggrieved at my headline grabbing stupidity with my jacket, and decided to up the ante by locking Bilbo's car keys inside the boot of his car, (with 4 sets of golf clubs as well)
The look on his face when he disclosed his accident to us will live long in the memory...
I described it as that of a man who was cleaning his shotgun in his house and had accidentally blown the head off of a close relative...
The whole golf element of the weekend was hanging in the balance....
Luckily my RAC membership came to the rescue...
They cover the member not the car (news to me), so a local mechanic came and spent a few hours trying to, and finally managing to open the boot using an impressive array of little inflatable things to ease the door open and allow him to fiddle with the wiring...
A classic demonstration of how the most modern secure cars can be gotten into by people who have the right tools and know what they are doing.
woo hoo!
36 more holes of golf (I am COOL) followed on the Saturday...
I had started off playing quite well, but by the last game had gone into a tailspin and on the last game played possibly the worst game of golf I've ever played in my life...
In spite of this myself and Bilbo came second in the team challenge..won by Colin and Rob...yeah yeah yeah...it's all about taking part etc etc
On the Saturday night we had a prolonged session at the pool table...
We had been joined/invaded by a holidaying female mentalist from East Kilbride who introduced herself as "Ginsie"...
At first I thought she was just a friendly soul, but quickly it became apparent that she had the "Fatal Attraction" DVD at home and had watched it every day for the past 20 years.
I glanced over my shoulder to see her polish off the whisky we had filled the golf trophy with...hmmm...
She then proceeded to expose her cleavage theatrically above whatever pocket on the pool table any one of the innocent golfers was aiming at.
It wasn't something that you saw every day that's for sure.
Over the course of the weekend I argued with the rest of the golfers about the correct terminology to describe melted cheese on a piece of toast (yes "toast"...that word is critical)
I say "toasted cheese", but everyone else in the party idiotically calls it "cheese on toast"...
Bizarre...
It doesn't make sense...
If you were a rock band and you had to choose between two names, namely "Cheese on Toast" or "Toasted Cheese", is there any doubt whatsoever which one you would choose???
No more questions, your honour....
I was also impressed by one of our party being able save on their hotel bill by fitting snugly into a swan vestas matchbox, using a toffo wrapper as a duvet and an acorn as a pillow...
You really had to be there to appreciate it though...
Another impressive moment concerned a member of the party,mysteriously named as "Peanut" taking 2 hours to remove a mattress from a top bunkbed.
He wanted to do this because the person on the lower bunk had decided to remove his mattress to the floor.
Fearing a World Trade Center-esque collapse, Mr Peanut decided to adopt a safety first approach.
You really had to be there to appreciate it though...

25/05/07 Sporting Round-Up

I would like to point out that the person reflected in this picture taking a photo of the album cover is NOT me, ok?





It is with some regret I must inform you that my much vaunted new cricket career is over...
I played last week for my work's team in a match against Edinburgh University.
Now, it's probably fair to say that most people would tend to view playing cricket as a white-knuckle ride of surging emotions and excitement.
I'm afraid to say the reality is very much at odds with this perception.
I don't think I've ever been more bored for such a sustained period in my life ...ever...(although last week's FA Cup Final was a close second...another "shit on a stick" if ever I saw one).
It was 3 hours of singular joylessness...
The banter was very poor as well...a bit of humour might have saved the day for me...
but inappropriate po-faced seriousness was the demeanor of choice by the participants...
I had attracted a few disapproving glances by turning up in a black t-shirt and black trackie bottoms to play, when everyone else in my team had proper cricketing whites and all the gear....
I was so far down the batting order that I never got a chance to bat, as we had the same pair batting for almost the entire inings...
I wasn't asked to bowl at all either, and was placed at "fine leg" on fielding duty.
This covers an area of the pitch where the ball is least likely to make an appearance...
The idiots...!
Don't they realise I've played one other game in my life and scored 17 runs and had bowling figures of 0-40??
I felt underused...but mostly bored...
On a brighter note, after stocking up for the past few months on Newcastle United shares, I was pleased to see a bidder emerge and pump up the share price...woo hoo!
At the same time, I was disappointed to hear that mild-mannered philanthropist Paul Dance is not hosting a poker game this weekend.
As a result of this I will have to reorganise my spending budget, as I've begun factoring in my projected winnings from these games into my weekly income.
The game cancellation means I will have to tweak my spreadsheets a little...hmph!

I was thinking today that I started off my comedy career at roughly the same time as the SARS outbreak.
We both had dreams of global domination and fame, but things haven't quite worked out the way either of us had planned.
All that's happened is that a few people have felt ill, there's been a bit of projectile vomit and generally not a lot to laugh about...
whereas, with the SARS virus etc etc
ho ho

Tonight I am playing congas with a kind of bluesy jazz combo at Grange Sports Club...
hopefully I will get a few laughs...!

aye thang u!

18/05/2007 Rum

The Isle Of Rum






So anyway, ostensibly I was on the Isle of Rum to begin filming a new sitcom I've recently written, entitled "The Pinsky Problem".
It's about 3 brothers who run a Recording Studio and Drop-In Arts Centre on a remote, idyllic Scottish island.
One day they hear news that they've unexpectedly inherited a sweet shop in Wigan from a long lost cousin.
In a reversal of the usual plot, they decide to abandon the remote beauty of their island and move to Wigan to "get involved in the exciting ups and downs of running a small retail outlet in a grim, post-industrial Northern English town".
It's intended to be quite sophisticated comedy, although there is a small element of slapstick in episode 3 when Philip gets his head stuck in a jar of sherbert lemons...but that's about it.
Unfortunately one of the cast failed to turn up after a Production Crew medic was flippant with him.
With filming indefinitely suspended, we decided to do a spot of hillwalking instead.
Interesting facts about Rum?

Rum is twinned with "Devil's Island" in French Guyana.
Rum was originally called "RumTiddlyUmPumPum", but this was shortened to "Rum" in 1576 by James V, who viewed the full title as "patently ridiculous".
The full title was coined by Hamish Macleod (of clan Macleod) in 873 BC, who was described by a prominent contemporary Scottish physician as being "congenitally mad in the heid".
The previous owner started it calling it "Rhum", but now that it has been taken over by the National Trust it has reverted to "Rum".
Would Rum without "H" still have the same magic, and by the same token,would Stepps have been the same without "H"?
I went to find out....

We drove up to Skye and made for the town of Elgol.
After spending some time ambling along the main drag in Elgol, we finally plumped for the seafood restaurant.
It was good but the prices were fairly hefty.
One of the slightly eccentric owners produced a live Langoustine at the table for us to meet.
It was an awkward meeting, both for us and the doomed crustaceon.
The food was good, but something somewhere in the course of the meal turned the next day into a Flatulence Fiesta, the likes of which I have never previously witnessed in me life.
Thankfully we were outdoors for the weekend...(we left a rather large carbon footprint though)
Ok, so the "good"?
We had a fun crossing from Skye on a chartered boat..one of the big rubber rescue things that the RNLI use...Jeremy Clarkson would have approved!
The weather was fantastic...unbroken sunshine for the whole weekend...Rum was a magnificent spectacle to behold...absolutely stunning...and there were amazing views from the peaks we scaled...There were veritable skiploads of chirpy banter and bonhomie in evidence...The walks themselves were spectacular and also quite scary...but I like that...

the "not so good"?
I think I had gotten a bit more fitter than usual, but the pace at which I can ascend mountains is still painfully slow and I was a distant backmarker for the duration of the weekend...
There's not much I can do about it...if you go above a pace that you are comfortable with...you're fucked...and you won't last the course...
The problem is, to all intensive purposes I spent the weekend doing a solo traverse of the Rum Cuillins!

I get there in the end, but I remain a plodder...sniff sniff...
Also the walk/relax balance was a bit lopsided to suit me...I was so knackered I didn't even make Saturday dinner and crashed out in my tent at about 9pm, and consequently missed the delightful selection of home made curries and fine wines which were on the camping menu.
(Earlier, I'd attracted a welter of cheeky remarks for slightly overdoing my curry requirements and bringing 2 gallons of it with me)
As the walk finished I was pretty much done in...I went all white apparently...and gave the impression that I was auditioning for the role of "Banquo's Ghost" in the "Rum Amateur Players" upcoming production of "Macbeth"...sorry..."The Scottish Play"...
Certain sections of the walk were described by my colleagues as being "a bit airy".
This is a mountain euphemism meaning that if you take one innocuous stumble you will fall thousands of feet to a certain death.
It certainly concentrates the mind, but at the same time it makes you feel very alive.
At one point I got a bit disorientated and thought I was completely lost. It was nearly 8pm so I began to worry a little about how I was going to get to shelter.
Note to self...never ever go walking again without a map/compass/GPS.
I'm just a lazy shit and tend to rely on other people too much to act as navigators, but really you should be self-reliant in these situations.
In hindsight I was being over-dramatic because I could easily have gone back to a Bothy I'd past a couple of miles further back...but it's funny how fatigue affects your thinking...
This bothy had a poignant note on a mantelpiece from a walker whose friend had died on Rum last year when he slipped crossing a burn in full spate and was swept into a gully.
His friend had brought a bottle of rum with him to Rum, and the letter invited walkers who came across the bothy to "have a drink" on Tom, who'd died.
There were quite a few ticks about, and the recent rise in incidence of Limes disease has made me slightly paranoid now.
I went to Boots to buy some tweezers to remove one...(I called him Tick Dastardly...hilarious...yes? as Gordon Ramsay might say...yes?)
I was amused to see that alongside the tweezers in the display section was a magnifying glass section.
There's a classic schoolboy joke based on an alleged sighting of an aquaintance buying tweezers and a magnifying glass for self-pleasuring purposes.
I was almost tempted to buy the items just to try and get a smirk out of the ale cashier...
However, at a whopping 9.95, the magnifying glass priced itself out of the cheap joke market.
So yes...great weekend...but tough going...quite happy to be back in civilisation...
Camping really makes me appreciate the concept of a "bed" and a "shower"...
Is this enough to justify the camping though?
I suppose if someone spends 12 hours hitting you on the head with a hammer, you feel a great sense of relief when they stop...
However, that doesn't necessarily mean you want to experience the hammer again !
ha ha only joking guys...the pluses far outweigh the minuses...
That part of Scotland is the most stunning part of the globe as far as I am concerned and I can't wait to get up there again...I'll take a deck chair next time though...

You'll always get a lot of different opinions on what is the "greatest TV programme ever in the history of civilisation", but let's get real here, it's "The Double Deckers" and here is a classic clip...and anyone who disgrees with my selection can fuck right off..because I am right..OK?

08/07/2007 On Tour

I had a great gig at the "Frog and Bucket" comedy club in Manchester last night.
It kind of restored my faith in my ability to make people laugh, and I muchly enjoyed the evening.
Everything went well, and I got some great feedback after the show.
I still believe in the great Comedy God and apologise for losing faith in him or her.
However, tonight I'm running another gig in Black Bo's, so expect a mournful downtrodden blog entry tomorrow...ha ha...!
It felt odd being in a bar with people smoking.
It all seemed very decadent ...kind of Kit Kat club in Berlin in the 30s.. (I was there)...
A friend of mine in Brazil who stupidly thought I was a Hearts supporter sent me this traumatic (if you really are a Hearts supporter) link...
Don't click here if you are a Hearts fan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you saw the recent Louis Theroux documentary on the mentalist religious nuts who demonstrate at soldiers' funerals, and think that God is punishing America via Irag for their tolerance of homosexual lifestyles...then you'll find their take on the Virginia Tech tragedy even weirder.
I'm just amazed no-one has shot them!
I loved this analysis by Jorge Valdana of the recent Liverpool v Chelsea European tie...
He refers to the match as "a shit on a stick"...
I love that.
Messrs Hansen, Lawrenson, Redknapp, Peacock, Sharp etc etc could spend the rest of their lives talking continuously about football and never come up with anything approaching this fantastic little bit of football philosophy...
btw I hope they find the little girl in Portugal soon...I can't even to bear to watch the news any more...it's just too painful to see people being tortured like that...horribly depressing...

06/05/2007 Election Tittle Tattle

The glasses aren't fooling anyone Annabel. We know it's you...!






I'm not a Tory myself, but I thought the Scottish Conservatives might have done better in the Scottish Parliamentary Elections if their leader, Annabel Goldie,hadn't combined the leadership job with managing the English football club Sheffield United.
I think the strains of managing both portfolios have caused her to take her eye off the ball, so to speak.
I did feel like bursting into a spontaneous round of applause when I saw The Sun's headline of "Nats Chuffed!" on the day after the election.
That is beautiful....
In spite of being a traditional Labour voter I was delighted to see Labour lose their majority on Edinburgh District Council.
Their tenure has been characterised by a singular lack of vision.
They've been a gutless bunch.... shit scared to do anything slightly radical.
The problem with Labour politicians in Scotland is that they do think they have a god given right to hold office and as a result they're complacent and lacking dynamism.
The main annoyances I have with them is the colossal cock-up of the way they conducted the congestion charge referendum...what an expensive farce...!
(I'm in favour of it...Edinburgh city centre could be an amazing place without this gridlock shite which is getting steadily worse)
Their token commitment to providing cycle lanes...(you have to have something of a death wish to use some of these "lanes" ; paricularly on Morrison St and Maitland Street when you find yourself stuck in a little gap between two double decker buses)
How difficult it is to recycle in the city centre...
The way they systematically let Meadowbank crumble over the years, then announce it's closure, then panic and backtrack just before the election because they shat themselves about the vote losing potential of this act...
They also give a criminal lack of support to the people who organise the Edinburgh Festival and Fringe...
I'd like to see something done on litter as well...what a shithole the place looks at the moment...
(hey I'm definitely turning into "Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells")

I was at Sainsbury's today (oh yes)...
I always find the moment at the checkout when I traditionally have difficulty prising apart the plastic bags, to be a very high anxiety experience.
There is that intense pressure to get the bags open, stick in your purchases, clear the area then move away before the next customer is ready to commence the same procedure.
The nightmare scenario of glancing up and seeing the next person rolling their eyes at your pathetic, unco-ordinated efforts to bag up and go is awful.
I was thinking that the awkwardness of this situation is similar to that moment in a lurv making context when Mr Condom makes an appearance centrestage.
The ideal scenario is for the condom packet to be opened and be seamlessly introduced to the action with no significant pause...
However, an awkward condom packaging can totally ruin the spontaneity of the experience, and therefore the opening is subject to the same pressure and stress that occurs in a checkout queue.

I was actually in Sainsburys a couple of weeks ago and got the two procedures completely mixed up.
I'm in court next month.
It was an easy mistake to make though, and hopefully Donald Findlay QC can get me off...

03/05/2007 Ho hum

This is me after conquering the treacherous South-East face of Ben Ledi.
I am a true hero of the Scottish people...(which nobody can deny)




I spent a large part of the upwards journey arguing with my climbing companion over the correct way to say an expression.
(It's never a dull moment in the wacky world of hillwalking)
I maintain it's "If you think that, then you've got another think coming!".
(normally used in response to an unrealistic assumption made by someone...eg Annabelle Goldie will be the new First Minister)
Eccentric Physics lecturer Martin is of the opinion that the correct phrase is
"If you think that, then you've got another thing coming!"
Now to me that is utter nonsense.
You've got another "thing" coming?
What does that mean?
The whole point of the expression is that if you think in a certain way, you're wrong and you should think again...
What have things coming got to do with it?
I was very surprised to find on Google that there is a substantial degree of support for both interpretations.
Strange...
On Monday Dave Reilly's Blog described how he'd spent the evening watching Hearts v Celtic on Scotsport Extra Time.
Nothing especially significant about that except for the fact that the Blog was published before the show was broadcast.
Either Corstorphine is now in a different time zone to Haymarket, or there is skulduggery afoot.
Is he now writing a diary in advance?
Is this ethical?
What would Samuel Pepys have thought of this?
I'm thinking of organising a group of people to go and stand outside his house tonight carrying torches and waving pitchforks and shouting "Heretic! Heretic!" at him.

Mark Nelson's blog has been making me laugh of late.
He is indeed a very funny cnut!
He does a nice line in scathing angriness which I like, (although I'm not sure if I'd like to read a review of my act written by him...but as long as he's wading into other targets, then that's fine by me).
If, like me, you were a big fan of iconic 80s popsters "The Associates", then you'll find this article in The Guardian very interesting, so you will.
I was also watching Craig Ferguson interview the sassy Julia Louis-Dreyfus on YouTube.
It is weird thinking that this is the same guy I watched in a dingy Edinburgh pub many years ago doing a comedy spot in the guise of his "Bing Hitler" character.
I can't remember all that much of his act apart from a hilarious lampooning of The Corries...
In fairness to him, he's still a funny guy...
Getting paid slightly better these days though I'd imagine!
Crikey! The Rezillos are still touring. This is them live in Brazil.
After yet another smoking lapse, I'm definitely off them again.
On my way to the pain of employment in the morning, I pass a pub which is open very early in the morning.
I presume this is designed to mainly cater for shift workers, but anyone else is welcome to join in.
There are always a few people standing outside having a fag as I pass...
There is an unmistakable smoker complexion on display here.
It's a deathly grey look, and coupled with the dawn chorus of hacking coughs...well, it really is a good daily reminder that smoking does bad things to the human body.
Oh, and I've decided to be a vegetarian as well...
(place your bets now for how long this will last)
It's these fucking lambs gamboling about in the fields...
Could I go across and turn them into a pile of sellophane wrapped chops?
I don't think I could really...
Well, that's part of it...
I've also noticed that the people I know who are veggie tend to look younger and slimmer than their carnivore peers...and it's definitely much easier to be a veggie these days...there's so much great veggie food to be had...
not like the old days!
My last attempt lasted about 3 days.
I made disgustingly inedible Spaghetti Bolognaise with dried soya mince and experiencing hunger pains, ran out and bought a chicken supper...
I've done 6 days now...no problem really...not even thinking about it much.

20/04/2007 Birthday Boys!

The fact that all these guys share a birthday today is conclusive proof to me that there really is something in Astrology...
There's an uncanny similarity amongst them isn't there?

18/04/2007 Welcome To The House of Fun

It could be worse I suppose...mustn't grumble...!





It's been an interestingly diverse month in terms of comedy gigs...
The sequence of events has reminded me of the climactic scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when those nasty Nazis finally open the Ark.
As the lid is opened (after the dust bit), there is a rhapsody of colour and beauty as smiling ghost like figures soar round the building,mesemerising and captivating the watching Nazis.
To them it all seems a wonderful and joyous occasion and they gawp with wonder at the miraculous splendour of it all...!
Of course, this doesn't last, as the initially friendly apparitions suddenly mutate into apocalyptic avengers, sending searing bursts of flame through the Nazi's bodies and then melt their faces down to the bone. Nice...
The first part of that scene was reminiscent of my gigs at the start of April, with the current crop bearing a greater resemblance to the Nazi come-uppance scene.
It's truly a confidence thing this comedy lark.
A week ago I was chomping at the bit for more gigs as I really felt on a roll, with audience reactions better than I've ever experienced.
Now I'm anticipating a couple of gigs in Glasgow this weekend with the same unbridled enthusiasm that someone held captive by a terrorist group in Iraq would show if he was ordered by his captors to put on a nice orange jumpsuit they'd brought him.
Yes, this week's "Black Bo's" gig was tough...hard work...as free pub gigs tend to be..I'm torn as to whether to pursue it or not...there definitely is some potential for a good gig though...hmmm
In keeping with my eccentric lifestyle I have now decided I want to be cricket player.
I turned up last night for "Nets Practise" with my work cricket team.
Unfortunately, I can hardly walk today.
The first delivery I faced came at me at what I estimated to be 90mph, and thudded into my left thigh like an exocet missile.
"Have you got thigh pads on?" my tormentor asked as I hopped round the crease, desperately trying not to cry.
"No!" I said, (I was unaware of the existence of "thigh pads")
In spite of this I actually played quite well for the rest of the session, and have been promised some first team action in the upcoming league fixtures...woo hoo!

Tragic as the events in Virginia are, it jars slightly that this story gets so much wall-to-wall TV coverage in comparison to the relatively perfunctory reporting on the hundreds of violent deaths occurring in Iraq.
The whole media circus surrounding these events is conducted almost to a script.
There's the voyeuristic details of killer and victims, (in the age of the WWW, the media have a wealth of ready information to flesh out victims lives... Why run around looking for quotes from friends and relatives when you can just look at their myspace pages).
There's the short (and ultimately pointless) debate on gun control in America.
There's the ritual bashing of the culture of violence inherent in TV, video games, rock music etc etc
It's almost beyond comprehension that the NRA spokespeople don't see it primarily a problem of "gun availability", but bemoan the fact that the victims were not allowed to carry weapons on the campus, and consequently been able to defend themselves against attack.
They don't seem to grasp that for every incident like this, when possibly the gunman could have been stopped, there would be thousands of other incidents involving people being blown away over a parking space dispute.

The only certainty to emerge is that once the media mob have left town to allow Blacksburg to begin its recovery, there will be other psychotic loners who will have been watching the rolling news coverage obsessively, fantasising about also bowing out of this world in an orgy of violence and destruction, in the full knowledge that their global notoriety will be assured.

On an embarassingly trivial note, when I heard that the gunman was South Korean, I hoped he wasn't called Park (this is a very common name in Korea)...
Who wants to share a surname with a mass murderer?

15/04/2007 What Do You Think Of The Show So Far?

Appallingly rubbish gig by me tonight at "The Stand"...

Not death, but mediocre...which I actually dislike more than death...
(death can be funny...)

That's it! No more gigs today!

13/04/2007 It's The End Of The Week (as we know it)

God, I am pissed off..!!!!!!!



The thing is, if you're in an orchestra you sometimes have to blow your own trumpet...
Currently gutted that despite a string of fantastic gigs, the gigs cupboard is sadly bare and the bounce I'd been hoping for on the back of them hasn't happened...
Maybe I should try writing instead...I just can't seem to make any headway on the Scottish circuit...

But hey, enough of this navel contemplation...
I had an idea for a comedy film...
There's hilarious consequences when a lion forgets where it has hid its latest zebra kill ; just before the mother-in-law is due to pop round for tea...!
There's some laughing hyenas who have their own ideas about who's eating what...!

working title ; "Carry On Carrion!"

I was also thinking to myself how big some things used to be 25 years ago...
For example mobile phones were the size of a household brick...a calculator was about the same size...mars bars were about a foot long...with one inch thick chocolate all around it...video cameras were so enormous, you had to have a fairly impressive level of physical fitness to be able to walk any distance carrying them.
Fast forward (clever little link there) to today, and all these things are incredibly tiny now...
Ironically, it is humans themselves who have got much bigger...
Well, this is the case, according to obesity studies...
So if you were transported quickly back 25 years ago and saw a normal built man making a mobile phone call while doing some basic calculations on his calculator...then zapped back to see a big obese man in 2007 doing the same thing...you'd think he'd been miraculously transformed into a big fat giant 15 feet tall with hands the size of rhubarb leaves...
Thankfully, scientists have isolated an obese gene...
It could be embarassing though if you are morbidly obese and find out that you don't have the obese gene, and are subsequently labelled as just a greedy bastard with no excuses...
I wonder if they will one day find an Annoying Twat Gene...
I met a few people today who may be carriers, and I would feel more sympathetic to their plight if I became aware that there was a hereditary factor involved.

I also had this thought that comedians who are dying on stage could utilise the help of "Assisted Suicide Officers" to supply them with even weaker material to hasten their end...

12/04/2007 Stickin' It To The Man...!

This site is really good...!

I'd read a few articles about how you can now claim back any bank charges you've accrued in the last 6 years.
All you need to do is go to this site ; print off the template letter and send it to your bank.
I did this last week and I got a letter back today from the bank saying that I was made fully aware of their charges at the outset bla bla bla...but anyway sign this and here's all the cash you claimed...110 quid...woo hoo!
It just feels like free money, which is always nice, isn't it?
The Black Bo's club thing went pretty well for a first night...and we're back there again next Tuesday 17th April kicking off at 8.30pm if you fancy it.
The main monthly Electric Mouse club will be strting again next month...
I was zipping about town today checking potential venues...
There are 3 which would work really well...I'm going to try and sort out tonight which one to go for...

10/04/2007 The Laughs Clog Up A Bit

I had a fairly ropey gig last night at The Stand...
It was overdue...my current run of success had to end at some point...
On entering ye Stand Comedy Club I was surprised to find that a group of 62 Dutch people had made a block booking.
This made for a slightly different atmosphere to the usual Monday night.
They were a jolly bunch though and were well up for a laugh.
In spite of this, I immediately worried that my stuff might be a bit too weird to easily translate for punters with English as a second language..and my fears were confirmed.
I mean it was ok and all that...but last Tuesday in Glasgow was probably my best ever gig and this seemed all a bit flat in comparison.
I didn't help matters by fluffing a few lines and forgetting big chunks of my routine...(unforgiveable when I was reading much of it OFF A FUCKING CLIPBOARD!)
I then had an uncomfortable chat with some friends who'd come to see me and were obviously unimpressed by my display (and quite rightly so).
It's never really worth analysing it all with yer mates.
If I harped on about how great a reaction I'd been getting in the previous gigs, I'd have come across like a desperately needy arsehole.
In fairness though, I am a desperately needy arsehole, but I should seek ways to disguise this as much as possible as it's not the most attractive trait in a person.
You need the lows to appreciate the highs anyway...
So in a way last night was a triumph in terms of demonstrating the truth of tired old comedic cliches.
Tonight I am running an open mic evening at Black Bo's...
But look I got some nice comments from my fellow comedians .

05/04/2007 POW Etiquette

I'm not one to judge or anything...I mean, I don't know exactly went on in the background in terms of threats and stuff, but I always thought the thing to do was give your name, rank and number and that's all...!
Of course, I'm referring to the Iran captured sailors saga...
You're not really supposed to participate in TV chat shows and have cosy chats with the prime minister and that...
Don't you get training to prepare you for this eventuality?
(the fact that if I was in a captor situation, I would do anything they wanted me to on the merest hint of a threat of receiving a mild chinese burn, is beside the point...)
I think that the least you can expect is to be fully trained in "Advanced Sarcasm".
This could completely offset the propaganda affect of the prisoners appearing on camera...
We in the UK are world leaders in the art of dry sarcasm.
We should use this weapon more often...
AND it is certainly a lot cheaper than replacing Trident...
You see, the Iranian captors might not even have realised that they were being deeply sarcastic, as it is often difficult to detect it in a foreign language...
"I mean, we're REALLY sorry about trespassing in your seas" and stuff like that...!
"We DEFINITELY won't do it again...!"
Of course, sarcasm doesn't work very well on Blogs.
You have to imagine that the words in capitals are said REALLY sarcastically...
(apart from that last sentence. I was using the capitals there to denote emphasis rather than sarcasm)
I'm not sure why I used italics there though...
hmmm...

01/04/2007 Dancing With Tears In My Trousers

A while ago I announced that I had retired from dancing in public, however on Friday I broke my embargo and found myself strutting around the dancefloor of The Citrus Club like there was no tomorrow.
In fact there was a tomorrow, which was Saturday which definitely did happen yesterday (I was there).
I had gotten fairly pissed with some people that I used to work with who were celebrating their meaty bonuses through the medium of drink.
They don't work in a Slaughterhouse though...it's an Insurance Company, but yes, you say...what's the difference?
And I would say one kills animals and the other offers financial services, primarily life insurance and pensions...
So they are different as such...
It's fair to say that my interpretation of "Don't You Want Me Baby" by the Human League achieved my biggest comedy laughs of the week from the surrounding onlookers...
I went for a "Pan's People" choreographic approach in terms of very literally interpreting the lyrics about waitresses in cocktail bars and having the world at your feet and all that.
I also smoked a single cigarette...
And have been forced to confess by bullying loudmouth Paul Dance that I smoked 4 cigarettes at a recent party at which we were both in attendance.
(he has threatened to bombard my site with comments calling me a lying toerag in terms of my alleged nicotine avoidance performance)
I definitely haven't had a "sober" cigarette in 2007 though...
so that's alright then isn't it?
Well, no it isn't alright at all...
I've let you all down and worst of all I've let myself down
I went throught the traditional "never again" mantra for much of yesterday...
Much as I enjoy getting tanked up and parading like an idiot on dancefloors of an evening, I hate in effect losing the next day...
I wasn't ill...I was just tired and lazy...I'd call it a 24 hour persistent vegetative state...and I did bugger all of any usefulness...
I just watched a tired old listing thing about "comedians' comedians" which I'd seen already on the Saturday night after spending much of the day in a comatose condition...
Currently toying with the idea of having a "dry" April...

27/03/2007 A New Hope?

I was thinking, if THEY can do it...surely Alan Anderson & Mac Star can get along....

The Scottish Comedy Community holds its breath...!!

26/03/2007 A Pant In The Country

I've been trying to get fitter of late.
I'm due to be going away on an arduous weekend of climbing/walking at the beginning of May, so I need to be ready for it...
Unfortunately, I had flu 2 weeks ago and this has set back my progress.
I walked up a hill yesterday which would have been a piece of piss to do a month ago...but yesterday I was really struggling...it's like the bug has sapped my strength...goddamnit!
Traditionally these walks are like "Deliverance" theme weekends in which I play the "Ned Beatty" character, and all the others play the "Burt Reynolds" character..
I struggle behind, and by the time I catch up, they move off again, so that I feel constantly under pressure to keep up...
I mean, don't get me wrong...they are very supportive and all that, but still, deep down I think they really enjoy my physical distress, as it affirms their superior fitness levels when they see a mere mortal staggering about out of breath carrying a ridiculously large rucksack...
This may well happen again, but I'm determined to be in better shape than usual...
(thankfully I have so far managed to avoid being raped by gap-toothed hillbillies on any of these outings...!)
One thing I've noticed about the last few gigs is that I get bigger laughs the more deadpan I play it...
I can't keep it up though...I just find it irresistible to join in laughing...
To not laugh would be equivalent to being at an orgy but having to make do with having a wank in a corner, outside of the main action...
However, it could be convincingly argued that laughing at your own jokes is an inexcusable form of wanking in itself...
It's a catch-22 situation...
I must apologise to my younger readers for the graphic sexual content of this latest piece...

25/03/2007 Boring

I know that my blogs are much more interesting when they describe me dying on my arse on stage.
But, in all truthfulness, this hasn't happened for ages, and I had another great gig at the Glasgow Comedy Festival last night...
I'm not sure why...I think that perhaps I have finally found my "voice" (now that doesn't sound pretentious at all...does it?)...but who knows...?
Anyway, it's fair to say that I've had literally three requests from people wanting to know what my upcoming gigs are...
I've been having issues updating the old web page, so here they are ...
27th March, Canon's Gait Cellar Bar (compere)
29th March "Heresy" " Jekyll & Hyde, Edinburgh
3rd April, The Stand, Glasgow
9th April, The Stand, Edinburgh
15th April, The Stand, Edinburgh
21st April, The Comedy Womb, The State Bar, Glasgow
22nd April, The Stand, Glasgow
30th June, The Comedy Womb, Glasgow
11th - 17th Aug, "The Free Mouseketeers", Jekyll & Hide (with Jo Romero & Clara Heimerdinger)

Yesterday there was a massive Orange Parade in Edinburgh.
It was the biggest I've ever seen.
The liberal, tolerant part of me wants to say, ok, on you go, celebrate your tradition...it's your democratic right to parade and all that...let's just all live together bla bla bla...
The problem is that they are a difficult crowd to love...
I was walking across the Meadows in Edinburgh where they were all lining up, and it became clear that a lot of the people involved were psychotically drunk....
I saw one of the "official" Orange stewards take a bottle of "After Shock" out of his pocket and have a big slug...
Jeezo...that stuff is absolutely lethal...I can't imagine what anyone would be like after drinking a whole bottle...!
I saw a foreign student getting hit on the head with an umbrella because he cut across the line of the parade becasue he wanted to cross the street...(you're not supposed to do that...apparently)
This is all well and good, but it was such a big parade that Edinburgh was effectively split in half, and it was difficult walking across the city without incurring Orange wrath.
And of course, the traffic in Edinburgh was completely gridlocked all afternoon...
The weird thing is though that part of me still really likes the sound of the flutes and the drums in spite of all the negative connotations associated with this cultural event.
As a little kid in Glasgow I found it all very colourful and exciting...
But at the same time it is very intimidating, and there's a sneering swagger of triumphalism running through the participants.

This weeks interesting links are Rangers fans singing in Spain and getting into trouble with UEFA.
I'm glad that someone is finally taking the bigots to task.
I'm a Rangers fan and I want my club back.
These are the sort of twats that forced me away from attending games.
It's not just offensive in content...; it's also probably the worst singing I've ever heard in my life...
There's absolutely no diaphragm control going on there at all, and they're way out of time and pitch...
I think we need a BBC "Sectarian Fame Academy" and get Leslie Garret to knock the boys into shape...
The next clip is the Ricky Gervais Comic Relief film...pure genius...
The look that Ricky does to camera after sarcastically saying to Bob Geldof that "the Boomtown Rats were still really big in 1985" is one of the funniest things I've seen in my puff....

17/03/2007 Talk Talk

The TALK TALK Sales team tell me how it is all going to be great and that....



So anyway, I decided to switch from the evil overpriced Telewest empire to the brave new world of Talk Talk...
Unfortunately the transition has been accompanied with a dirty large seam, and as a result I have been without access to the Interweb for the past 3 weeks.
Did you miss me ?
Every single day?
Did you hang my picture on your wall?
...as the fat guy who we can't mention by name anymore, who wore the tin foil suit and the bad wig and sang about such things...
I'm on at The Stand this Monday (19th), so come along and have a pint...
The past few gigs have gone worryingly well, and a dangerous perceptible level of confidence is creeping into my psyche...
Where/when it will be crushed is anybody's guess...it could happen anytime...worrying...worrying...
Meanwhile...
I was walking down Dalry Road the other day at lunchtime when I saw in the distance what I thought was some kind of political demo taking place...
Curious, I advanced towards it but was ultimately surprised to find it was a gigantic queue of pupils from Tynecastle High School at "Greig's" the Bakers...
So much for Jamie Oliver's campaign!
Without wishing to sound like "Outraged, of Tunbridge Wells", I did find it a little depressing that literally hundreds of kids were queuing up to eat nutrition free gunge...
Don't their parents give a shit?
No wonder we are shit at Sports...
I was a little shocked...I naively thought that the Scottish diet thing had moved on a bit...I wiz wrong...!
For no reason in particular, I remembered this family anecdote today...
In her later years my Gran became just a little confused sometimes...
When she was at our house once, she noticed a large white Husky Dog soft toy which was situated in the corner of our living room.
"What do you feed it?" asked my Gran in all seriousness.
Quick as a flash, my Dad replied "We stuff cotton wool up its arse!"
I was thinking about that walking up the street today and burst out giggling, attracting quizzical looks from the oncoming pedestrian traffic.

03/03/2007 Me, I like a good laugh, I do

Well, my brother caused me a fit of giggles yesterday.
He wanted to print off my last blog at work (he was curious about the Saddam picture)
He duly did this and nipped out for lunch.
However, he actually succeeded in printing the entire 2 years worth of entries of this here Blog, much to the annoyance of his co-workers as they waited to use the departmental printer.
"Who is this bloody Jim Park anyway?" they reportedly moaned many times as the vast printing output built up.
Here are a copy of links to things which have amused me greatly in the last week.
The first one is an article about a policeman in Fife with an interesting hobby...
The next is a classic clip from "Harry Hill's TV Burp"...

01/03/2007 Pub Closedown Shocker!

I had something of an out-of-body experience last night at the comedy club.
I was dancing on stage wearing a Saddam Hussein rubber mask to the Scissor Sisters
track "I Don't Feel Like Dancing".
I'd earlier roughly choroegraphed a routine which was a combination of "River Dance", Disco and "The Slosh" style.
As I looked at myself, I wondered what the adolescent Jim would have thought if he'd been shown this nightmarish vision of Jim the adult.
I've no doubt he would be horrified.
(the idea of the piece was "to satirise the illegal war in Iraq through the medium of dance", in case you're interested)
Great night though....
And it was also the last night of the club at this venue, as the Holyrood Tavern is now closed down...as of today...!
I think they just kept it open last night to make a bit of cash as we again brought in a room full of customers...
(the average Wednesday nights there had about 3 people in the bar before we started running the club)
So we're on the lookout for a new home.
Thanks to all the acts who appeared and to everybody who came along and supported us.
And if you didn't make it to any of the nights, then you should be deeply ashamed of yourself, and I sincerely hope that you have enormous difficulty in sleeping at night for the foreseeable future.
How could you?
Bastards, bastards, bastards....!
On a brighter note, Ted the resident feline has been very ill but is now back to his manic self.
Hurray!
The comical Dee Custance remarked on stage last night that I reminded her of her Dad...
Ouch!

25/02/2007 Haircut 100 (well, almost)

So well done Walter Smith and Rangers...a great European performance...
I always felt that Walter would turn things around at Ibrox!

I was walking up Dalry Road today and was intrigued to discover that Dalry Road has now become something of an International centre of Hairdressers.
In a 100 yard stretch at the bottom of Dalry Road I counted 6 separate Hairdresser establishments.
People must travel from all over the world to get their hair cut in Dalry.
I assume this is the case, as surely there are a little too many hairdressers needed purely to satisy the local clientele.
It's very odd...
What were the people who opened the 6th premises thinking?
"You know, I was thinking...there are only 5 hairdressers in this 100 yard stretch of Dalry Road...! What this area is crying out for is another Hairdresser."
Maybe they all opened at the same time, and the owners were shocked to discover that 5 other people had a "Dalry Hairdressing dream" which they had simultaneously realised.
Could some of them be bogus businesses being used for money laundering purposes?
Maybe they are staffed by CIA operatives for Intelligence surveillance?
Perhaps they could get together and use the proximity of their businesses to their advantage?
You could do a "Barber Crawl" along that stretch of Dalry Road and get a slightly different haircut at each shop. (I presume you'd be offered a discount)

I played poker last night and made a bit of an arse of things.
I was the biggest loser of the night...
I don't mind losing (sound of nose growing longer), but in the course of the games I made a few idiotic mistakes, eg folding when I could have checked, which caused me great irritation.
I also got grumpy at the Dance Bros habit of informing me it was my shot every time...even though I already obviuosly knew it was my shot and was pondering my action...
Little things can become very annoying when you are on a losing streak....

The filmed night at The Stand in Glasgow went pretty well I thought.
I assume they'll give us a shout when the clips are uploaded onto the web.

It was a little unfortunate that the evening coincided with Celtic's Champions League match with Milan being live on telly.
Consequently, The Stand was quieter than usual, although it was still a reasonable turnout.
The audience were 90% female.
It was slightly disconcerting in that when they laughed, it sounded like the Munchkins laughing along with Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz.
Not that there's anything wrong with that....

A Little Bit Disappointed

Like Walter Smith, I was "a little bit disappointed yesterday".
He felt like this because he made another tactical arse of things in a European tie ; losing to the "crack" Israeli outfit, Hapoel Tel Aviv.
His record outwith the domestic league is historically, and remains, awful...
And don't say, "well, he beat France when he was manager of Scotland" ...because yes, he did, but you get the odd unexpected result in football...
Bertie Vogts beat Holland at Hampden in the Euro 2004 play-off, but that result is viewed as a freak, and no-one is beating a path to Bertie's door to offer him another top job, are they?
I was also a "little bit disappointed" because I bought a CD of "Cult Film and TV Themes" yesterday.
Little did I realise that the tracks were not the original versions and instead, what I got was a great big steaming bag of shite.
The arrangements were terrible, and they were played by what sounded like a school orchestra.
I was just giving blood when I took a funny turn...
That's never happened to me before...
I just got all light-headed and nauseous all of a sudden.
Do you remember that old tv ad with Noel Edmonds trying to get you to give a pint of the the red stuff?
(of course you do you old fuckers)
Anyway, at one point he jocularly said, "No sensation of me draining away..."
Well, I did have a sensation of "me draining away..." (I hope this doesn't put anyone off...)
I always remember some smug chap standing in the background while Noel was being drained, who was act what he thought of being a blood donor.
"It's what your left arm's for!" he said, and we all laughed heartily.
Apparently next Tuesday night at The Stand is being filmed for some comedy web site.
I'll maybe post the link if the show goes well...!
Although, it's almost guaranteed to go badly, as the last 2 gigs have been great, and 3 in a row doesn't tend to happen...
It is written....!

14/02/2007 And now.....

I suppose I should plug the next "Electric Mouse Comedy Club" at The Holyrood Tavern in Edinburgh taking place on Wed 28th February at 8.15pm.

Featuring Neil McFarlane, Dee Custance, Jim Park, Graeme Harkins and a special Mystery Guest Headliner....and all this for 4 pounds...
crikey!

11/02/2007 Walking of the Hill Variety

This is what the view is supposed to be.






I have not been able to dine again at "Ponchorello's" esteemed eaterie as I have been banned for being cheeky to the staff.
This is a terrible injustice as I was only having a laugh...

Anyway, I've always felt slightly guilty that in my entire time at Stirling University, I never ventured to the top of the hill called Dumat which overlooks the campus and the Forth valley.
Well, I put matters right this weekend as I climbed to the top (without ropes) and finally stood on the summit.
Unfortunately, the cloud level was very low and the visibility was down to 50 yards.
So, there you have it....
I'll have to do it another time...

I had a top gig last night at The Stand.
To "storm" a gig is an overused expression in the comedy world.
I'm always very hesitant to use it to describe a gig...
The thing is that I've heard comedians talk about "storming" a gig when I've been in attendance, and to be realistic it was sometimes more of a "steady drizzle" than a "storm".
But I reckon it was the best reaction I've ever had at a spot at The Stand.
It reminded me of my first ever gig there...
I've often wondered what was the factor in that first gig that got such a big reaction.
Well,it was good to rediscover that intensity again...
I really enjoyed it, but there's no cigars...it was just a 5 minute slot.
I'd like more opportunities at longer slots...
You just feel you're warming up and then it's over...!
But it's still a fantastic feeling to have a gig like that...
Get in...!!!!!!

08/02/2007 Where are all the boyos?

I had a great lunch today at "Ponchorello's"...!
I had some tasty croissants to begin with...then some more tasty croissants...then a tasty croissant for dessert...it was all very tasty!
Usually at this time of year Edinburgh is teeming with Welsh people...
I get the impression that there's not as many up this time for the biennial piss-up extraordinaire...
In the heyday of this fixture in the 70s and 80s, you would struggle to get a room anywhere in Edinburgh over the weekend...
In fact thousands of supporters would begin appearing in Edinburgh on the Monday before the match...
The real tell-tale signs of diluting of the pigrimage were the "Vacancies" notices in all the little hotels in my street...
Where did it all go wrong?
I get the impression that there is a higher proportion of older generation supporters up than in years gone by...
Maybe the kids just don't dig doing that Edinburgh thing and are more concerned with downloading Arctic Monkeys records from thw World Wide Net and experimenting with recreational drugs.
Personally, I blame Charlotte Church...
That sort of nonsense wouldn't have gone on when Barry John and JPR Williams ruled the world...
The Sauna at Murrayfield seems to be doing a roaring trade...
(I was just walking past it on the way to the off-license, ok?)
I just hope the 25 pints hasn't derailed the dragon's roar with regard to this activity...
I suspect that there's a lot of drawing veils over reality and stuff when the visits are discussed afterwards in the hostelry.
I like them...they are a convivial bunch and are generally a good laugh, and up for some banter...
However, my grandpa hated all things Welsh, for reasons we never fully understood.
The most popular theory was that it stemmed from some wartime event involving Welsh soldiers...
He denied this prejudice...but if you'd seen his face whenever a Welsh Male Voice Choir appeared on the telly...the evidence was unassailable...



I got a promo flier from the Queen's Hall for an upcoming show by Fairport Convention.
The photo looks like a publicity shot for the "Still Game" sitcom...

Some people from work are coming to see me at The Stand on Sunday...
Hopefully they'll enjoy it...however, the lessons of history are foreboding...

The whole department at work came to see me in the Fringe show "Park's Circus".
They picked a really good night...the venue was packed..we all felt the show did well...
The next day at work no-one in the office said anything about the show...
This went on for 2 months...until the end of my contract...
Not a dickbird...
I assumed the silence implied they hated it...I'll never really know...

Mind you, ten years ago on a different contract, I was volunteered to organise a department night out to a Fringe show...
I chose "Bernard Chumley's Grand Tour" starring Matt Lucas and David Walliams.
Myself and one other girl from the office found it hilarious...
The other 20 sat stony faced, and I never heard the bleedin' end of their moaning about my "awful" show selection...
I wonder how they're getting on these days...
I thought they had potential...but hey, what do i know...?

31/01/2006 The Mouse That Roared!

I was a considerable distance above the moon with the first night of my "Electric Mouse" comedy club venture.
There was standing room only at the Holyrood tavern...!
Everyone got a good response and the evening was delightfully MC'd by the effortlessly hilarious Susan Calman.

And as well as that she stopped me taking a cigarette from funnyman Paul Pirie before the show by referring to my extensively documented efforts on this here Blog concerning my epic and continuing war against nicotine addiction.

It was a worrying incident though, and I will have to be careful...

It's not that I was really badly stressed out.

It's just one of these occasions where the nicotine urge persuades you that it'll be alright to have just one, in the circumstances.
I was surprised how well my set went down as to be honest the performance aspect was very, very creaky. I forgot large chunks of what I was going to do, tripped over a few lines and my timing was all over the place...
But hey, the customer is always right..so I'll take the laughs thank you very much...
I was like a football team winning a match, whilst not playing particularly well...and then Chick Young would say "that's the trademark of a great team", and I'd say to him "can you not talk in cliches for one minute in your life you twat", and so on.
My excuse was that it's the first gig for a few weeks, and I've been working like a dog the past few days, and had to spend all my free time setting things up for the gig... with little time to left to prepare for actually doing the joke stuff.
With the room being so full, it was stiflingly hot in the room.
We will have to try to remedy that for the next time...
It's generally been a good comedy venue for me...in fact, it's where I had my best ever gig...

The headliner Paul Sinha had a damned fine set as well...

I had a few pints of Stella in the full knowledge that it would give me a shocker of a hangover...and it duly did...who would have thought that?

Idiot....

23/01/2007 Shang-A-Lang

Tam Paton had a spot of bother in court the other day....
and you can read about it here.....
Tam of course is a legendary figure in Edinburgh and was the manager of the Bay City Rollers.
My attention was only drawn to this article by the hilariously awful photo of the aforementioned Mr Paton.
It really is a cracker isn't it?
It's like he's half way through a transformation scene in a Werewolf film.
I mean to say...he was never a looker...he would never have had Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt nervously looking over their shoulders...but even by his standards..this is a shocker!
I loved his "moment of madness" excuse in court...
The last time I heard that line was from the Welsh politician Ron somebody who had a "moment of madness" on Hampstead Heath one night.

Btw I recommend big time "Harry Hill's TV Burp" on Saturday on ITV around teatime.
TV programmes are usually a pile of common denominator, mainstream shite at this time...but Harry's show is gloriously silly and had me snorting with laughter throughout.
I've also been loving watching the new Seinfeld DVD of series 4 and 5.
It is without a doubt the smartest, funniest sitcom ever made.
I am always amazed that a lot of people I've talked to have never watched it ; mainly due to it being consigned to assorted graveyard slots in the schedule.
It's a shame...it's magnificent, and makes "Fawlty Towers" look like "Two Pints of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps".
I've been chuckling in quiet moments at work over an anecdote Ed recounted to me in't pub last week.
He described how he was out on a bit of a bender and stumbled into a bar on the South side of Edinburgh...very pissed...with his friends.
Their arrival coincided with the imminent commencement of a "Yard Of Ale" challenge race in which 2 teams were lined up, ready to each drink a whole YOA, and see which team could finish first.
A team was a man short, and all of a sudden Ed found himself co-opted into one of the teams.
His senses were too dulled to put up any resistance.
At his turn he began confidently, and each gulp, was serendaded in time by a "wo! wo! wo! wo!" shout and stamping of feet by everyone in the pub.
He then paused...the pub went quiet...and he began to projectile vomit around the pub indiscriminately.
After recovering, he joked with the barstaff, and pretended to break the Yard of ale glass in two over his knee.
However, his co-ordination hadn't fully recovered, and he did indeed snap the yard of ale glass in two...much to the disappointment of the bar staff.
I've got a picture in my head of Ed's apologetic inebriated expression which has kept me giggling all week.

19/01/2007 Shut That Door

I must admit I'm thoroughly enjoying my stint working in the crazy world of servicing pensions and life assurance policies.
It makes me very sad when I ponder that I only have 10 weeks left on my contract!
To be honest, even though I get paid a fairly good wad of cash for doing this, I'd be perfectly happy to do it for nothing, such is my love for debugging a suite of financial programs.
I can empathise with David Beckham in this regard.
He has let it be known that the money is not the principal reason he's going to play football in LA, preferring to look on the experience as a historic opportunity to raise the profile of soccer in the USA.
I know exactly what he means...
Similarly, the satisfaction I get from knowing that my computer tinkering will allow the company to make higher profits on the sale of their financial products is reward enough for me....and to get paid for it as well is simply marvellous...!
I do get a little stressed out by the doors at my office though.
They tend to be double sets of swinging fire doors.
When you open a door and go through, it swings right back on release, in a style reminiscent of the classic saloon doors in the Wild West.
Therefore, an unwritten etiquette exists whereby if you notice someone walking behind you, you stop and hold the door in the open position so that they can intercept the open door with their hand, and then pass through.
I'm trying to come to a policy on what the acceptable cut-off distance is for the person behind you, when it would be socially acceptable to go through the doors without stopping to hold the door open.
I usually settle for 10 yards, but on Friday I was shocked to see someone hold the door open for someone who was at least 20 yards short of the door.
I think that's too much, but at the same time I worry now that my 10 yard ruling will be interpreted by some in the office as anti-social and selfish.
If you leave too far a distance, there's always the possibility that the following person might not even be going to go through the doors at all, and you will be left looking like a complete idiot politely holding the door open for nobody.
I also find the social interaction of this manoeuvre very awkward.
When you hold the door open for someone, they usually say "thank you".
I don't know what the door holder is supposed to say in this situation.
If I was to try "Oh, it's nothing really..." or "you're welcome!", I am convinced it would sound very sarcastic.
The convention seems to be to smile meekly and raise your eyebrows slightly, in a tacit acknowledgement of your courtesy and consideration.
I hate it when the same person ends up following you through a series of doors, thanking you every time.
After two thank yous I think that the practice should be curtailed as the whole thing becomes ridiculous.
My record is a 10 door thank you festival.
Mind you, this pales into insignificance with the fury I feel when I don't even get a thank you at the initial door.
This is tantamount to waving a car waiting at a junction on to a main road ahead of you and not receiving a wave of gratitude.
It would perhaps be a good idea to employ a doorman at each door to preclude this awkward social phenomenum from occurring?
Or better still, get some Star Trek type doors fitted.
You know...the ones that go "Fsssschhh" and open and close like.

18/01/2007 Oh Dear!

It's all a bit of a Shakespearianesque tragedy isn't it?
It was "Big Brother" that made Jade Goody rich and famous, and now it is again BB which has smashed her career and reputation irretrievably to pieces...
Whoever advised her that it would be a good idea to revisit her BB experience will be running for cover when she gets kicked out tomorrow.
When she gets home, she will find a pile of cancelled contracts to read through while she contemplates her pariah status...
I reckon one day this will be a play or even a musical...
Not that I've been watching any of it...
I've got a life, kind of!
I've been having a little celebration every night this week.
From 17.07pm to 20.07pm I've been wearing nothing but my union jack y-fronts and have skipped around the flat singing "God Save The Queen" at the top of my voice.
I just thought that at least someone in the UK should make some kind of effort to commemorate the 300th anniversary of the Union.
I don't know if it'll catch on or not...?

15/01/2006 The Bleak Midwinter

Well, it's been a grim start to 2007.
I was shocked to hear of the tragic deaths of Harry Horse and his wife Mandy on Shetland.
I first saw Harry when he fronted the 80s Edinburgh band "Swamptrash".
Their thang was highly danceable bluegrass, and they all affected to be brothers.
Much as I enjoyed their music, the element of the performance which impressed me the most was Harry's hilarious between-songs banter, delivered in a totally convincing american country boy drawl.
I loved the way he never, ever let his character slip during a performance.
I'm sure he could have been a great stand-up if he'd wanted to.
He played 5-a-side football with us for a while as well, and it's probably fair to say that as a footballer he was a prodigiously talented cartoonist.His cartoons through the years for Scotland on Sunday and the Sunday Herald were always striking and memorable works of art.
One of the last times I saw him was an evening when we had been roped in to go and see a mutual friend in a rather creaky amateur production of "The Sound of Music" in Edinburgh.
During the interval Harry pointed out to me that amateur performers often have a problem of not knowing what to do with their hands.
In this show, a few of the cast held their arms rigidly at their sides, some grasped their hands rigidly together, and some burst on stage with their arms flaying around like a deranged octopus.
He came up with funny classification names for each type (which I sadly can't remember)...
However, I do remember he made me cry with laughter...
It's that inappropriate classroom laughter syndrome, whereby trying to suppress it just makes everything 10 times funnier.
He didn't have a pretentious bone in his body and would always be a model of charm and affability whenever you bumped into him.
A few of us met up last night in a pub to reminisce...
I got rat-arsed and am suffering today...
I can't drink properly any more...
At least, I can start getting smug about not smoking...That's 2 weeks now, and I've taken the decision to bin the packet of fags on the mantelpiece...
I find stopping smoking pretty easy really...I have no cravings at all really to have one...
The problem is I find starting again for no apparent reason very easy as well...if that makes sense...
But anyway, why do people ALWAYS say whenever anything involves fire...that it is "like a scene from Dante's "Inferno"...
Have they ever seen Dante's "Inferno"?
I doubt it...
How would Dante feel about this?
You could also say it is "like a scene from "Towering Inferno"..."
or "like a scene from Dante's "Towering Inferno" ?
or maybe just "there was loads of fire and that everywhere"
I didn't mind too much being back at work...
It was actually quite a good laugh in terms of office banter...
I observed a man who would come and talk to people at their desks periodically.
What was interesting was that he stood very upright with his arms behind his back in a military style.
He would then speak to the person at their desk, but would look straight ahead all the time, never once making eye contact.
It reminded me of the way the Sergeant Major spoke to the concert party on parade in "It Ain't Half Hot Mum!"....
Is there a point to this anecdote?
No.

08/01/2007 A New Hope?

There's great excitement at Ibrox as Sir David Murray presents the new "dream" management team of Walter Smith and Ally McCoist...!


I'm in shock as I was at the first day of my IT contract today...
Too tired to type...any...more....must rest....must resssssttt....

06/01/2007 Warming of the global variety

Glencoe, January 2050





Today I noticed that daffodil shoots have started appearing in my garden.
The first week in January?
That's unprecedented!
If you told me 25 years ago that in 2007 I would be commenting on the growth progress of daffodil plants in my garden via the medium of a global messageboard, potentially viewable by the entire planet...I would have believed you and asked you if you would like a cup of tea and a Bandit biscuit...
("You can stand it with Bandit, It's as big as a door")
I'm not watching "Celebrity Big Brother", but I did hear Jade Goody say that she was the "25th Most Influential Person In The World"...
(I think David Bann is number 26?)
Continuing my handyman success at replacing two window panes, I have put up a shelf in the kitchen as an encore.
It is now supporting a heavy load and is perfectly horizontal.
I am on a roll.

05/01/2007 We're doomed...DOOMED...!!!!

Well it seems that messrs McCoist and Smith will indeed be heading to Ibrox....
There's even talk of Alex McLeish getting the Scotland job...
The whole world has gone crazy....
I remember all too clearly attending a series of highly embarassing Champions League nights at Ibrox when Rangers were managed by Walter...
(his record in the group stages of the Champions League is P 16 W 3 ; D 2 ; L 11 , and there were the grim qualifying round exits to the likes of Levski Sofia, AEK Athens & IFK Gothenberg )...
Yes, he won a lot of trophies at Rangers...
However Tommy Burns was in charge at Celtic at the time.
Tommy's match tactic of choice at the time, was to read "The Charge of The Light Brigade" to the players before the match.
Walter's only tactic was to tell all his players to pass the ball to Brian Laudrup or Paul Gascoigne.
Walter's tactic usually prevailed domestically, but was hown to be rubbish in Europe.
The appointment is a backward step, and that's all I've got to say about football for the time being.
Ok, he's improved Scotland...he could hardly have made things worse...!
It's enough to almost make me reach for the packet of Marlboro Light sitting on my mantelpiece....
I haven't touched this packet since Hogmanay...woo hoo...!
I resisted the urge to crush the packet and throw it in the bin...as far as I'm concerned I'm just "currently not smoking"...
I've made stupid pronouncements so much in the past about never smoking again that my credibility is shot to pieces...
If I don't smoke again, fine...but if I do, big deal...c'est la vie...!

04/01/2007 Ooh La La..! Ou est mon "P Quarante-cinq"?

Well, so much for my ringing endorsement of PLG's management techniques..!
One thing is certain though. This wasn't a straightforward "sacking".
Rangers can't afford to offload him and pay him the remainder of his contract.
The departure has to genuinely be "by mutual consent".
And that is probably a first in the history of Football.

There's talk of Ally McCoist taking over....








...as well as the possibility of Walter Smith coming back...








ah well, it'll all come out in the wash...
Just spare me seeing Chick Young doing his ridiculous attempts at gravitas as he "exclusively" reveals nothing of any interest to anyone ever in the history of the universe...

I was thinking about what Saddam's death announcement in the Baghdad Daily News might be...?

HUSSEIN, Saddam Suddenly, after a long imprisonment, surrounded by his most hated enemies shouting things at him. Keep your Sunni side up!

not very funny is it?
I heard someone describe the mobile phone footage of Saddam as a "Happy Lynching" video...that's quite funny...

I attended a leaving do at the City Cafe last night for the only male member of the waiting staff at David Bann's exclusive eaterie.
If you ask me this would be a great job if you were a young man...
You've got all these gorgeous waitresses to work with and 80% of the restaurant's clientele is female.
You would need to attend evening classes on the use of a shitty stick.
They have a big ceiling fan in the City Cafe.
My friend Mark was in there a few years ago during the Festival when a street entertainer came in on stilts, loudly announcing details of his upcoming show.
Unfortunately, he didn't notice the fan and it smacked him on the forehead, sending him flying off his stilts.
He wasn't seriously injured or anything, and apparently it was very, very funny.
I've told so many people that anecdote that I'm convinced when I'm old and doddery, I'll believe I actually witnessed the event myself.
I bumped into long-time-no-see aquaintances DJ Simon and Siri, and exchanged a few minutes of chirpy banter.

03/01/2007 Je ne regrette rien

Well done PLG!
I have no sympathy for Barry "Mr Rangers" Ferguson...
It's been apparent for a long time that something is rotten in the state of Ibrox.
I never rated Alex McLeish as a manager anyway, but it was still obvious that certain influences in the dressing room wanted him out and frequently just wouldn't turn up on the day at all.
I suspect Mr Ferguson had some involvement in this, and I reckon he sees himself as untouchable when it comes to conflict with Ibrox managers.
Surrounded by an army of unquestioning sycophants, Barry seems to have detached himself from reality.
If you go against your managers wishes in organising squad piss-ups, then refuse to act on his tactical directions during a game, what do you expect?
BF is a good player, but horribly overrated.
Rangers would be better off without him in the long run.
However, can PLG survive the disdain of the Fergie Loyal if results remain poor?
Well, no he can't....

Well that's my little 2007 football bit.
Wasn't that fascinating?
I don't know why I bother writing about it.
I've lost a lot of my day-to-day interest in Scottish football...
Is there any other country in the world in which the main TV coverage of the "national sport" is scheduled at 11pm on a Monday night?
That's like an admission in itself that no-one gives a shit any more...
Shouldn't it be scheduled at a time to attract the interest of Scottish kids?

Having to sort out all my junk with a view towards submitting my Sel-Assessment Tax form is not good for improving ones mood.

02/01/2007 Random thoughts

I just got back from a yomp up Arthur's Seat and around Holyrood Park.
It's like Piccadilly Circus up there. I've never seen so many people clambering up the hills there.
There were a few people jogging around the park who I suspect were not in the habit of jogging.
They looked like they were just about ready to collapse with heart attacks...
I reckon they are making the classic "resolution" mistake of doing too much too soon in a desperate, doomed attempt to get fit/lose weight etc etc
Well, I suppose it's better than paying hundreds of pounds to join a gym then never go.
I saw the Wizard of Oz at the cinema the other night.
It brought back fond memories of my last cinema viewing of this film, when as a child, I was severly traumatised by these rather evil looking winged monkeys.
I also remember being irritated as a child at Dorothy going right back to the very, very beginning of the yellow brick road, when she easily could have saved a bit of time by missing out the initial winding section and instead head off from the point where the road opens out a bit and disappears onto the horizon.
I also wondered what type of dope the film producers were smoking when they thought it was a good idea to let the lion sing that dreadful song just before they met the Wizard for the first time. ("King of the Forest" or something like that)
I noticed that his earlier little intro song was a good bit shorter than the Tin Man and Scarecrow equivalents...perhaps he insisted on an extra song to even things up a bit...
Anyway...what a disaster...I can't remember the melody even though I've heard it loads of times...
It's good seeing it at the cinema again...There's lot of stuff going on in the background that you don't notice on the wee TV screen.
(still, no sign of the hanging munchkin though)
I thought Miss Gulch was looking quite foxy...
Strange how your perceptions change...
When the show "This Life" was first out, I couldn't believe that a lovely female like Millie could have an affair with an old sleazebag like O'Donnell.
When the show was recently repeated, I thought O'Donnell seemed like a distinguished, good looking gent, and represented a fine catch for Millie.
What could have changed in my appraisal?
Surely it's not just because I am 10 years older?
I'm not that shallow....
I drove out to South Queensferry on Sunday night, then drove back an hour later and was shocked to see two large trees collapsed over the road, blown down by the stormy weather.
We'd just missed them...
Now that would have been a bad start to 2007...getting squished on the A90...!