Friday, May 25, 2007

25/05/07 Sporting Round-Up



I would like to point out that the person reflected in this picture taking a photo of the album cover is NOT me, ok?





It is with some regret I must inform you that my much vaunted new cricket career is over...
I played last week for my work's team in a match against Edinburgh University.
Now, it's probably fair to say that most people would tend to view playing cricket as a white-knuckle ride of surging emotions and excitement.
I'm afraid to say the reality is very much at odds with this perception.
I don't think I've ever been more bored for such a sustained period in my life ...ever...(although last week's FA Cup Final was a close second...another "shit on a stick" if ever I saw one).
It was 3 hours of singular joylessness...
The banter was very poor as well...a bit of humour might have saved the day for me...
but inappropriate po-faced seriousness was the demeanor of choice by the participants...
I had attracted a few disapproving glances by turning up in a black t-shirt and black trackie bottoms to play, when everyone else in my team had proper cricketing whites and all the gear....
I was so far down the batting order that I never got a chance to bat, as we had the same pair batting for almost the entire inings...
I wasn't asked to bowl at all either, and was placed at "fine leg" on fielding duty.
This covers an area of the pitch where the ball is least likely to make an appearance...
The idiots...!
Don't they realise I've played one other game in my life and scored 17 runs and had bowling figures of 0-40??
I felt underused...but mostly bored...
On a brighter note, after stocking up for the past few months on Newcastle United shares, I was pleased to see a bidder emerge and pump up the share price...woo hoo!
At the same time, I was disappointed to hear that mild-mannered philanthropist Paul Dance is not hosting a poker game this weekend.
As a result of this I will have to reorganise my spending budget, as I've begun factoring in my projected winnings from these games into my weekly income.
The game cancellation means I will have to tweak my spreadsheets a little...hmph!

I was thinking today that I started off my comedy career at roughly the same time as the SARS outbreak.
We both had dreams of global domination and fame, but things haven't quite worked out the way either of us had planned.
All that's happened is that a few people have felt ill, there's been a bit of projectile vomit and generally not a lot to laugh about...
whereas, with the SARS virus etc etc
ho ho

Tonight I am playing congas with a kind of bluesy jazz combo at Grange Sports Club...
hopefully I will get a few laughs...!

aye thang u!

Friday, May 18, 2007

18/05/2007 Rum



The Isle Of Rum






So anyway, ostensibly I was on the Isle of Rum to begin filming a new sitcom I've recently written, entitled "The Pinsky Problem".
It's about 3 brothers who run a Recording Studio and Drop-In Arts Centre on a remote, idyllic Scottish island.
One day they hear news that they've unexpectedly inherited a sweet shop in Wigan from a long lost cousin.
In a reversal of the usual plot, they decide to abandon the remote beauty of their island and move to Wigan to "get involved in the exciting ups and downs of running a small retail outlet in a grim, post-industrial Northern English town".
It's intended to be quite sophisticated comedy, although there is a small element of slapstick in episode 3 when Philip gets his head stuck in a jar of sherbert lemons...but that's about it.
Unfortunately one of the cast failed to turn up after a Production Crew medic was flippant with him.
With filming indefinitely suspended, we decided to do a spot of hillwalking instead.
Interesting facts about Rum?

Rum is twinned with "Devil's Island" in French Guyana.
Rum was originally called "RumTiddlyUmPumPum", but this was shortened to "Rum" in 1576 by James V, who viewed the full title as "patently ridiculous".
The full title was coined by Hamish Macleod (of clan Macleod) in 873 BC, who was described by a prominent contemporary Scottish physician as being "congenitally mad in the heid".
The previous owner started it calling it "Rhum", but now that it has been taken over by the National Trust it has reverted to "Rum".
Would Rum without "H" still have the same magic, and by the same token,would Stepps have been the same without "H"?
I went to find out....

We drove up to Skye and made for the town of Elgol.
After spending some time ambling along the main drag in Elgol, we finally plumped for the seafood restaurant.
It was good but the prices were fairly hefty.
One of the slightly eccentric owners produced a live Langoustine at the table for us to meet.
It was an awkward meeting, both for us and the doomed crustaceon.
The food was good, but something somewhere in the course of the meal turned the next day into a Flatulence Fiesta, the likes of which I have never previously witnessed in me life.
Thankfully we were outdoors for the weekend...(we left a rather large carbon footprint though)
Ok, so the "good"?
We had a fun crossing from Skye on a chartered boat..one of the big rubber rescue things that the RNLI use...Jeremy Clarkson would have approved!
The weather was fantastic...unbroken sunshine for the whole weekend...Rum was a magnificent spectacle to behold...absolutely stunning...and there were amazing views from the peaks we scaled...There were veritable skiploads of chirpy banter and bonhomie in evidence...The walks themselves were spectacular and also quite scary...but I like that...

the "not so good"?
I think I had gotten a bit more fitter than usual, but the pace at which I can ascend mountains is still painfully slow and I was a distant backmarker for the duration of the weekend...
There's not much I can do about it...if you go above a pace that you are comfortable with...you're fucked...and you won't last the course...
The problem is, to all intensive purposes I spent the weekend doing a solo traverse of the Rum Cuillins!

I get there in the end, but I remain a plodder...sniff sniff...
Also the walk/relax balance was a bit lopsided to suit me...I was so knackered I didn't even make Saturday dinner and crashed out in my tent at about 9pm, and consequently missed the delightful selection of home made curries and fine wines which were on the camping menu.
(Earlier, I'd attracted a welter of cheeky remarks for slightly overdoing my curry requirements and bringing 2 gallons of it with me)
As the walk finished I was pretty much done in...I went all white apparently...and gave the impression that I was auditioning for the role of "Banquo's Ghost" in the "Rum Amateur Players" upcoming production of "Macbeth"...sorry..."The Scottish Play"...
Certain sections of the walk were described by my colleagues as being "a bit airy".
This is a mountain euphemism meaning that if you take one innocuous stumble you will fall thousands of feet to a certain death.
It certainly concentrates the mind, but at the same time it makes you feel very alive.
At one point I got a bit disorientated and thought I was completely lost. It was nearly 8pm so I began to worry a little about how I was going to get to shelter.
Note to self...never ever go walking again without a map/compass/GPS.
I'm just a lazy shit and tend to rely on other people too much to act as navigators, but really you should be self-reliant in these situations.
In hindsight I was being over-dramatic because I could easily have gone back to a Bothy I'd past a couple of miles further back...but it's funny how fatigue affects your thinking...
This bothy had a poignant note on a mantelpiece from a walker whose friend had died on Rum last year when he slipped crossing a burn in full spate and was swept into a gully.
His friend had brought a bottle of rum with him to Rum, and the letter invited walkers who came across the bothy to "have a drink" on Tom, who'd died.
There were quite a few ticks about, and the recent rise in incidence of Limes disease has made me slightly paranoid now.
I went to Boots to buy some tweezers to remove one...(I called him Tick Dastardly...hilarious...yes? as Gordon Ramsay might say...yes?)
I was amused to see that alongside the tweezers in the display section was a magnifying glass section.
There's a classic schoolboy joke based on an alleged sighting of an aquaintance buying tweezers and a magnifying glass for self-pleasuring purposes.
I was almost tempted to buy the items just to try and get a smirk out of the ale cashier...
However, at a whopping 9.95, the magnifying glass priced itself out of the cheap joke market.
So yes...great weekend...but tough going...quite happy to be back in civilisation...
Camping really makes me appreciate the concept of a "bed" and a "shower"...
Is this enough to justify the camping though?
I suppose if someone spends 12 hours hitting you on the head with a hammer, you feel a great sense of relief when they stop...
However, that doesn't necessarily mean you want to experience the hammer again !
ha ha only joking guys...the pluses far outweigh the minuses...
That part of Scotland is the most stunning part of the globe as far as I am concerned and I can't wait to get up there again...I'll take a deck chair next time though...

You'll always get a lot of different opinions on what is the "greatest TV programme ever in the history of civilisation", but let's get real here, it's "The Double Deckers" and here is a classic clip...and anyone who disgrees with my selection can fuck right off..because I am right..OK?

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

08/07/2007 On Tour



I had a great gig at the "Frog and Bucket" comedy club in Manchester last night.
It kind of restored my faith in my ability to make people laugh, and I muchly enjoyed the evening.
Everything went well, and I got some great feedback after the show.
I still believe in the great Comedy God and apologise for losing faith in him or her.
However, tonight I'm running another gig in Black Bo's, so expect a mournful downtrodden blog entry tomorrow...ha ha...!
It felt odd being in a bar with people smoking.
It all seemed very decadent ...kind of Kit Kat club in Berlin in the 30s.. (I was there)...
A friend of mine in Brazil who stupidly thought I was a Hearts supporter sent me this traumatic (if you really are a Hearts supporter) link...
Don't click here if you are a Hearts fan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you saw the recent Louis Theroux documentary on the mentalist religious nuts who demonstrate at soldiers' funerals, and think that God is punishing America via Irag for their tolerance of homosexual lifestyles...then you'll find their take on the Virginia Tech tragedy even weirder.
I'm just amazed no-one has shot them!
I loved this analysis by Jorge Valdana of the recent Liverpool v Chelsea European tie...
He refers to the match as "a shit on a stick"...
I love that.
Messrs Hansen, Lawrenson, Redknapp, Peacock, Sharp etc etc could spend the rest of their lives talking continuously about football and never come up with anything approaching this fantastic little bit of football philosophy...
btw I hope they find the little girl in Portugal soon...I can't even to bear to watch the news any more...it's just too painful to see people being tortured like that...horribly depressing...

Sunday, May 06, 2007

06/05/2007 Election Tittle Tattle




The glasses aren't fooling anyone Annabel. We know it's you...!






I'm not a Tory myself, but I thought the Scottish Conservatives might have done better in the Scottish Parliamentary Elections if their leader, Annabel Goldie,hadn't combined the leadership job with managing the English football club Sheffield United.
I think the strains of managing both portfolios have caused her to take her eye off the ball, so to speak.
I did feel like bursting into a spontaneous round of applause when I saw The Sun's headline of "Nats Chuffed!" on the day after the election.
That is beautiful....
In spite of being a traditional Labour voter I was delighted to see Labour lose their majority on Edinburgh District Council.
Their tenure has been characterised by a singular lack of vision.
They've been a gutless bunch.... shit scared to do anything slightly radical.
The problem with Labour politicians in Scotland is that they do think they have a god given right to hold office and as a result they're complacent and lacking dynamism.
The main annoyances I have with them is the colossal cock-up of the way they conducted the congestion charge referendum...what an expensive farce...!
(I'm in favour of it...Edinburgh city centre could be an amazing place without this gridlock shite which is getting steadily worse)
Their token commitment to providing cycle lanes...(you have to have something of a death wish to use some of these "lanes" ; paricularly on Morrison St and Maitland Street when you find yourself stuck in a little gap between two double decker buses)
How difficult it is to recycle in the city centre...
The way they systematically let Meadowbank crumble over the years, then announce it's closure, then panic and backtrack just before the election because they shat themselves about the vote losing potential of this act...
They also give a criminal lack of support to the people who organise the Edinburgh Festival and Fringe...
I'd like to see something done on litter as well...what a shithole the place looks at the moment...
(hey I'm definitely turning into "Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells")

I was at Sainsbury's today (oh yes)...
I always find the moment at the checkout when I traditionally have difficulty prising apart the plastic bags, to be a very high anxiety experience.
There is that intense pressure to get the bags open, stick in your purchases, clear the area then move away before the next customer is ready to commence the same procedure.
The nightmare scenario of glancing up and seeing the next person rolling their eyes at your pathetic, unco-ordinated efforts to bag up and go is awful.
I was thinking that the awkwardness of this situation is similar to that moment in a lurv making context when Mr Condom makes an appearance centrestage.
The ideal scenario is for the condom packet to be opened and be seamlessly introduced to the action with no significant pause...
However, an awkward condom packaging can totally ruin the spontaneity of the experience, and therefore the opening is subject to the same pressure and stress that occurs in a checkout queue.

I was actually in Sainsburys a couple of weeks ago and got the two procedures completely mixed up.
I'm in court next month.
It was an easy mistake to make though, and hopefully Donald Findlay QC can get me off...

Thursday, May 03, 2007

03/05/2007 Ho hum



This is me after conquering the treacherous South-East face of Ben Ledi.
I am a true hero of the Scottish people...(which nobody can deny)




I spent a large part of the upwards journey arguing with my climbing companion over the correct way to say an expression.
(It's never a dull moment in the wacky world of hillwalking)
I maintain it's "If you think that, then you've got another think coming!".
(normally used in response to an unrealistic assumption made by someone...eg Annabelle Goldie will be the new First Minister)
Eccentric Physics lecturer Martin is of the opinion that the correct phrase is
"If you think that, then you've got another thing coming!"
Now to me that is utter nonsense.
You've got another "thing" coming?
What does that mean?
The whole point of the expression is that if you think in a certain way, you're wrong and you should think again...
What have things coming got to do with it?
I was very surprised to find on Google that there is a substantial degree of support for both interpretations.
Strange...
On Monday Dave Reilly's Blog described how he'd spent the evening watching Hearts v Celtic on Scotsport Extra Time.
Nothing especially significant about that except for the fact that the Blog was published before the show was broadcast.
Either Corstorphine is now in a different time zone to Haymarket, or there is skulduggery afoot.
Is he now writing a diary in advance?
Is this ethical?
What would Samuel Pepys have thought of this?
I'm thinking of organising a group of people to go and stand outside his house tonight carrying torches and waving pitchforks and shouting "Heretic! Heretic!" at him.

Mark Nelson's blog has been making me laugh of late.
He is indeed a very funny cnut!
He does a nice line in scathing angriness which I like, (although I'm not sure if I'd like to read a review of my act written by him...but as long as he's wading into other targets, then that's fine by me).
If, like me, you were a big fan of iconic 80s popsters "The Associates", then you'll find this article in The Guardian very interesting, so you will.
I was also watching Craig Ferguson interview the sassy Julia Louis-Dreyfus on YouTube.
It is weird thinking that this is the same guy I watched in a dingy Edinburgh pub many years ago doing a comedy spot in the guise of his "Bing Hitler" character.
I can't remember all that much of his act apart from a hilarious lampooning of The Corries...
In fairness to him, he's still a funny guy...
Getting paid slightly better these days though I'd imagine!
Crikey! The Rezillos are still touring. This is them live in Brazil.
After yet another smoking lapse, I'm definitely off them again.
On my way to the pain of employment in the morning, I pass a pub which is open very early in the morning.
I presume this is designed to mainly cater for shift workers, but anyone else is welcome to join in.
There are always a few people standing outside having a fag as I pass...
There is an unmistakable smoker complexion on display here.
It's a deathly grey look, and coupled with the dawn chorus of hacking coughs...well, it really is a good daily reminder that smoking does bad things to the human body.
Oh, and I've decided to be a vegetarian as well...
(place your bets now for how long this will last)
It's these fucking lambs gamboling about in the fields...
Could I go across and turn them into a pile of sellophane wrapped chops?
I don't think I could really...
Well, that's part of it...
I've also noticed that the people I know who are veggie tend to look younger and slimmer than their carnivore peers...and it's definitely much easier to be a veggie these days...there's so much great veggie food to be had...
not like the old days!
My last attempt lasted about 3 days.
I made disgustingly inedible Spaghetti Bolognaise with dried soya mince and experiencing hunger pains, ran out and bought a chicken supper...
I've done 6 days now...no problem really...not even thinking about it much.