Sunday, December 31, 2006

31/12/2006 Ding Dong



Weather forecast concern for Edinburgh Hogmanay Party




It's a bit wild weather-wise in Edinburgh today...
I think I'd rather stick cocktail sticks in my eyes than attend the Edinburgh Hogmanay Street Party tonight, (I suspect that the Council will not wish to use that line as a publicity slogan for the 2007 event)...
I feel sorry for the tourists, but it's not going to be a night to stand about in the open air...
I'm not convinced it's a smart idea to let off big muddafukka fireworks in 70mph winds, although on a positive thought, I may get a better view of the fireworks than usual if they are blown off course towards Haymarket...
Festive highlights?
Well I successfully cooked Xmas dinner for the family, (only slightly marred by me carbonised chipolatos)
I followed Nigella's idea of bathing the turkey overnight in a spicy solution designed to tenderise and moisten the bird.
It was a nice change for me to actually pay attention to her recipes rather than just stare at her breasts...(joke).
There was a preponderance of raised eyebrows and sarcasm as I disclosed my turkey policy, so it was gratifying that in the end it was hailed a culinary triumph.
My meal highlight was my sister uncorking a bottle of Californian white she wanted us to try.
I didn't like it very much and said...
"hmmm...it's a litle bitter, I'm not too keen on it"
My brother tried some...
"YEUCH!!!!!! That's DISGUSTING!!!!"
Such a diplomat....
(at this point I did literally fall off my seat laughing)
I fell asleep watching "The Vicar of Dibley"...woke up during "Little Britain", but fell asleep before the end...
That was the sum total of my Xmas telly viewing...
It's odd remembering how goddamn excited I used to get in the anticipation of checking out the Xmas TV schedules.
The video of Saddam being led onto the gallows has to be one the most surreal things I've ever seen on televison.
His nonchalance is very striking...
He looks like he could be nicking down to the local shop to get a packet of fags.
Of course, he could be in complete denial, unable to accept what is actually going on ; even at the point of being on the verge of death.
Can you imagine watching Tony Blair in that situation?
(yeah...yeah...yeah...of course there are lots of you out there who would welcome the opportunity, I'm sure...)
New Year Resolutions?
...well, cigarettes are out (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah)
This isn't really a resolution, as I started this a few weeks ago...but I've stopped eating meat in takeaways and in restaurants...
Part of me wants to go veggie, but I like meat too much...
However, I only eat free range, organic meat as I want no part of intensive factory farming...
You can be fairly confident that the meat you get in restaurants and takeaways is ordered from the cheapest sources available.
Sometimes they even use that reconstituted stuff that comes in a big roll...disgusting!
Yes, amn't I radical? ha ha
I went to see "Perfume" last night.
Patrick Suskind's book is one of my all-time favourites.
The film didn't disappoint....
(see I didn't bore your arse off by coming up with the original line that the book was in fact much better than the film).

Saturday, December 23, 2006

23/12/2006 Stickin' It To The Man....!






Yesterday, I replaced the window panes that I had to break to get into my flat after locking myself out.
I view the job as a success as there is, as of yet, no sign of the panes falling out.
By doing the job myself I reckon I've saved about 100 quid, plus I feel like a proper man, having done a proper, practical piece of work...
It's a win-win situation...
I know I'm blatantly ignoring the fact that the repair wouldn't have been necessary had I not been a total idiot and actually locked myself out.
But I like to think of myself as a fairly positive person, and I'm not going to let this drawback encroach on my elation.
I managed to get the vast majority of my Xmas shopping done today...and all from one shop...
I'm not sure whether this practice breaks any rules or will generate a steady flow of sarcastic remarks from the recipients of the said gifts, but the one-stop-shop certainly takes a lot of stress out of the joyous activity of Xmas shopping.
I had a certain sympathy for the man in front of me at the checkout queue who waited patiently for 20 minutes only to be told that the particular checkout he was at couldn't do exchanges and he would have to queue up at a different point.
The expression on his face was a picture and I had to struggle manfully to keep a straight face.
Had a enjoyable meal out at a friends house last night.
It was all very tasty, as Dave Reilly would say.
I suppose that literally all that means is that the food has a taste, which you would generally expect to be the case.
Mind you, I had a meal at Tom Hamilton's flat once which was probably the exception that proves the rule.
I will be joining the ranks of the employed on 8th January for 12 weeks as I have successfully attained a glamorous, highly paid contract at a prominent Edinburgh Insurance Company.
It'll be hard to wear a tie again but I need the cash...

Sunday, December 17, 2006

16/12/2006 Happy Xmas & A Merry New Year









Here's a nice little snowball game which really reflects the true meaning of Xmas....

Well, I didn't die on my arse at me last two gigs at Heresey and The Stand.
They were ok, but not the bestest...but a generally positive end to 2006, in terms of stand-up outings.
In the last month I have managed to lose 12 pounds, which is nice.
I haven't been on any diet or ought like that, but have been doing a lot of hillwalking...2-3 times a week...!
This is all well and good, but the sad reality is that I will have to climb 2 mountains a week for the rest of my life if I am going to indefinitely maintain my new Slim Jim persona...and Xmas is looming menacingly on the horizon...
Ah, who gives a shit? pass the mince pies missus!
For a few years there has been a Yahoo mailing group in existence, with a membership of people I knew when I was at Stirling University.
However, sparks flew at the weekend, resulting in the group creator (and most frequent poster to the group) deleting the group...! and now it no longer exists...!
The trouble began with an email from a disgruntled member requesting that she be unsubscribed from the group, before adding that the group creator (and most frequent poster to the group) was a pompous, self-congratulatory arsehole...
The teddy now appears to have been lfired out of the pram with an RPG, and my Stirling contacts have now vanished into hyperspace...
I don't know why he got upset...I told him loads of times that he was a pompous, self-congratulatory arsehole...It didn't seem to bother him...I thought he rejoiced in it...well, I don't know...really!
I was at a friend's surprise 40th Birthday party yesterday afternoon, making my trademark bread and butter pudding to take along to ra shared buffet...
Colin Crabbie (the current holder of "Edinburgh's Most Irritating Man At Parties 1996-2006") forced me to do a short bit of stand-up in front of a bemused gathering...
I can't stand getting in these type of situations....never again...!
I got talking to a country man who spoke at length on how much he enjoyed badger stew...
(I should point out that he only uses "road kill" badger, and there is no baiting involved of any description)
There was a lovely moment last night at my gig at The Stand when the compere, the Rev Obadiah was introducing the headline act, the fantastic Tony Carter.
He started by saying that there was a change to the advertised line-up and Tony wouldn't be able to appear, but that the replacement was the star of TV, the amazing Mr Jimmy Carr...!
Hilariously, a large portion of the audience totally believed this...and whooped excitedly...before the Rev admitted it was a joke and Tony Carter would, in fact, be appearing...
Tony's first word as he came on stage was "Cunt!"....

Thursday, December 14, 2006

14/12/2006 Why is Holyrood?

Because it looks up Arthur's Seat of course.... ho ho ho...!








nice microphone technique....

Well, you'll be thrilled to hear that the Comedy Club thing at the Holyrood Tavern is back on again and will kick off on Wed 31st January.
Headlining will be the fantastic Paul Sinha, with "rising star" Jim Park supporting (cough cough)...
It will be titled "The Electric Mouse Comedy Club", (coming under the auspices of Electric Mouse Comedy based in London).
Tonight I'm appearing at Rick Molland's club Heresy at the Jeckyll & Hyde bar in Hanover Street.
I confidently expect to die on my arse severely as a means of punishing me for my last self-congratulatory blog on a recent gig at The Stand.
It's inevitable, and I will accept my fate with as much dignity as I can muster.
I'm also on at The Stand this Sunday (17/12), so why not come along and get pissed with me...
As I am currently not working, I am sadly missing the enormous fun and frolics of the Office Xmas Night Out, so I have decided that this night should be my unofficial Christmas night out...hurray!
I took part in the Filmhouse Monthly Quiz for the first time on Sunday...
Hellishly difficult questions...we came 16th out of 19 teams...
The team who won had an unbelievably high score. They must spend each month learning the details of every film in the Halliwell Film Guide...
It ain't natural....!
There did seem to be a little joke going on amongst the organisers in terms of question selection.
Some of the quotes were a little racy...and it was funny to witness the quiz lady read them out straight faced and with impeccable pronounciation...
eg " All I want to do is suck cock and eat pussy. There ain't no more" (I can't remember the answer)
It was rather amusing to see people in the bar, who weren't doing the quiz, bridle slightly at the odd, unexpected outpouring of filth.
A few weeks ago I went out with a few friends to this Chinese restaurant in Edinburgh, now I don't feel very well.....

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

07/12/2006 Getting Better



Ok, I'm not really one to blow my own trumpet...oh, come on, that's true...! When I die on my arse I tell it like it is...I ain't hiding nothing and am not delusional...but hey, I really ROCKED at The Stand this week...up there with my best ever gigs...!
There...I've said it now...and have obviously cursed upcoming gigs with my nauseatingly self-congratulory tribute...
It goes against my normal approach, but you know, "it's better to live a day as a Tiger than live a thousand years as a sheep", as the comedians in Tibet say.
My good mood was slightly punctured the next day as I skillfully locked myself out...then realised that since I had a new lock fitted, no-one else had a spare key..and I had to break a window to get in.
What a twat!
I was walking down Lothian Road today and noticed that the lap dancing establishment "Bottoms Up" had changed its name to "Big Daddy O's".
It still seemed to be operating as a Lap Dancing bar from what I could gather.
I immediately thought it would be amusing if a customer in the bar asked for a private dance, then was startled to see a 25 stone middle aged male wrestler in a white leotard and a spangly union jack top hat, appear from behind the curtain, dance around erotically then perform a famous Big Daddy "splash" manoeuvre on the unsuspecting punter by jumping in the air and landing on him on his stomach.
one-ahhh two-ahhh three-ahhh
And the winner by a submission is Mums and Dads favourite
"B-i-i-i-i-g D-a-a-d-d-y!!!!!"...
That would be hilarious...

Friday, December 01, 2006

01/12/2006 That Was Then This Is Now



Ex-Pistol Steve Jones seen yesterday



Yikes...!
It was 30 years ago this very day that Steve Jones didst tell Bill Grundy live on television, at about teatime, that he was a "dirty fucker" and a "fucking rotter".
"I don't believe it!" as Richard "Victor Meldrew" Wilson might say...(the 17th most eligible male in Scotland, who beat restauranteur David Bann into 18th place)
Of course, I didn't see it as it was a London regional news programme.
I would have been glued to "Scotland Today" or "Reporting Scotland" while this groundbreaking event was taking place down South.
We did fully experience the enormous outrage and fallout stemming from this event in Scotland though...
"The Filth And The Fury" is the most memorable tabloid headline associated with this volcanic event.
The language is quite tame by 2006 standards...but in 1976 it was scandalous.
There were various stories doing the rounds (probably bollocks) of people putting their foot through their TV screens, such was their moral outrage.
It was an exciting time to be young, stupid and very impressionable.
All of a sudden "Punk" went from being an underground movement to a dominant position in yoof culture virtually overnight.
My Jeff Wayne "War Of The Worlds" concept album was swiftly abandoned never to be played again (well not for a while)...
So what makes Britain great?
Well, I think one of the things that we do better than any other race on the planet is our ability to form an orderly queue.
It is what makes us special.
Our global influence has certainly declined.
However we can still cling on to this as trait to be envied.
On a different tack, one thing we lack in Britain is a national dance.
They have the hat dance in Mexico, that odd Greek dance with men with pom poms on their shoes, Russian Cossack dancing etc etc
I know England has Morris Dancing and Scotland has Highland Dancing...but there's not a specific British dance.
How about making it The Conga?
It also celebrates our ability to form an orderly queue...
In fact a new law should be passed that when a queue forms with 10 people in it, they should spontaneously break into a conga dance, wherever the situation.
Just a thought.