Saturday, June 30, 2007

30/06/07 Person Of The Day



hats off to Scottish TV's Dominik Diamond...!






I was watching the pageantry surrounding todays televised opening of the new session of the Scottish Parliament today in Edinburgh.
Dominik Diamond, to my enormous amusement and astonishment, commented live on television that the parade on the Royal Mile to mark the event was "scabby and low rent...!".
I'd have to agree with him...
It was reminiscent of a Gala Day in a hick West Lothian town...
And let me tell you something, I may not know a lot, but what I don't know about Gala Days in hick West Lothian towns isn't worth knowing....
If only this brutal honesty could continue in broadcasting...!
Sadly, STV will be inundated by complaints over Diamond's "graceless" and "insulting" remarks, and he will be effectively barred from live broadcasts of this nature for being a little too much of a loose cannon.
You'd think that in light of the fact that the wole building cost 400 miliion quid, that they'd have a slightly higher tech, spectacular session opening ceremony.
Maybe they're just paranoid about being seen pissing more money away?
It's a shame...
Last night I won the "worst dressed player" award at the annual 5-a-side awards ceremony for the 5th year in a row.
I am very proud...
As is tradition we met in a pub which I would have to describe as "low rent and scabby"....
The inhouse music pumping out the speakers was gruesome...
As I approached the pub, I couldn't help noticing a man standing in the "smoking area" (marked by a parasol and gas heater), was having an al fresco piss...
The downstairs trip to the toilets was obviously a little too daunting a journey for him...
Immediately, one thinks "classy"....
I could find no explanantion amongst the assembled guests of why we go to this pub, other than "we always come here for the awards ceremony"...
Tradition, huh? It's a weird one isn't it....
Let's go somewhere else next year...Please!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

26/06/07 Technological Breakthrough!







We have the technology...!
There is now a downloaded recording of me doing a short set at The Stand on Sunday.
It's on the home page....

Monday, June 25, 2007

25/06/07 Art And Things



While I was down in London last week, I checked out the exhibition of graduates work at Goldsmith College.
There was some fantastic stuff on display ; it's really inspirational to see such a concentration of fresh creative talent.
The artist that really caught my eye was Simone Pereira Hind (see above picture)...some great arresting images. See some more here.

Back in Scotland, I had the more sombre task of attending the funeral of an old friend of mine, Kai Davidson
Sadly, I hadn't seen him for ages, but I felt privileged to hear tribute after tribute to him from a range of friends and relatives at a packed crematorium.
He'd obviously touched a lot of people's lives in a very positive way.
I liked the music choices of "Blitzkreig Bop" and "Ace of Spades"...very apt...

I had a good gig at The Stand last night in Glasgow.
Frankie Boyle was headlining and the show was a sellout.
(I'm assuming that's mainly down to Frankie, but who knows...maybe my popularity in weegie land has soared?)
Anyway, I recorded it and will stick it on the web site this week...
It's an interesting exercise..it certainly doesn't sound like how I hear myself doing it...weird...!
I did almost have a fit of giggles in the dressing room at one point.
There was a few of us just sitting there, not talking...with Michael Redmond amongst us with his trademark hangdog expression.
It was uncannily reminiscent of a scene from the Father Ted episode "Entertaining Father Stone".
I didn't mention it though because I'm sure Michael is heartily sick of talking about it.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

21/06/07 "The Nights Are Fair Drawing In..."



I was walking across a pelican crossing today behind a female, probably in her 40s, who was wearing a colourful skirt, somewhat reminiscent of the splash of colour you'd associate with Joseph and his much talked about coat.
A matronly Edinburgh lady, probably in her 50s, was walking across in the opposite direction.
As they passed each other, the older female smiled at the younger female and exclaimed "Ooooh! What a lovely skirt!", pausing briefly, before continuing across the road.
I can't imagine a man doing this to another man, and it got me thinking that maybe I could construct a hilarious new comedy routine based around the fundamental differences between men and women...?
It could be a winner, and might lead to me getting higher profile gigs!
I wondered whether the older woman was just an uninhibited, free spirit type who just spontaneously expresses her views on things, or whether she was a mentalist...
I'll never know...
I was off for a swim today and in the pool car park met a couple of friends of mine with their 3 year old newly adopted son who I was meeting for the first time.
It was delightful to see the parents and child laughing and joking, very much at ease with each other...
I felt good...
But then I suddenly remembered that tonight I'm appearing at evil Rick Molland's comedy club "Heresy", and was once again reminded that the world is in actual fact a soulless vaccuum of evil and despair.
"Heresy" is a cesspit of excrement and general nastiness, and doing the front crawl through it with a malevolent grin, is Mr Molland himself...rejoicing in his nihilism and god baiting antics...
It's a great club though, so come along if you think you're warped enough....

I was shocked to find my jacket missing from my locker after I emerged from the pool...!
I alerted the staff and a good 30 minutes was spent scouring the changing area, and checking with other pool users if they'd seen anyone interfering with my locker.
I gave a full description of my jacket then headed off cursing my ill fortune.
It turns out I shouldn't really have been shocked to find my jacket missing from my locker, as I'd actually left it in the car.
I am an arse.

Monday, June 18, 2007

18/06/07 bla bla bla




Haven't updated this for a while. Shoddy!
I have had quite a few gigs recently. They've all gone really well, but hey, you know..."triumph and disaster", they're both bastards so I'm not making any rash assessments.
I had a couple of gigs at the Leith Festival AND got interviewed by Leith FM.
I am living the fucking dream! so there...!
I was at Edinburgh Airport on Saturday, bleary eyed at 8am on my way down to London for the weekend.
As is often the case, the airport bar was filled with travellers quaffing pints.
I'm always mystified by this...
A pint of lager at 8am...why???? It is so wrong...on so many levels...
I'm not being moralistic or anything...
14 hours later I was pissed as a fart at a charity auction dinner for the Kew Park Rangers football club in London...
But why drink pints at 8am...
Is it just because the bar is open...a kind of Scottish "Pavlov's Dogs" situation?
Is it fear of flying?
I felt like going round the bar interviewing people and asking them what it was all about...
I also find the waiting to board behaviour of people a bit odd as well...
Our flight was due to board at Gate 7...
I got there about an hour before boarding and the seating area around gate 7 was full with dozens of people just standing.
All the other gates were empty with loads of seats. But everyone seemed happier standing at THEIR gate.
It's not like waiting for a bus in that it will go without you if you're not at the stop.
This is an airport.
Once you check in, that plane won't leave without you...it's ok to sit anywhere and just mosey along when they start announcing that it's time to board.
Anyway, I have been to a series of barbecues of late, and am avoiding going anywhere near a set of scales as all the munching has taken its toll.
I can feel it without needing official confirmation from the said device.
Barbecues...hmmmm
You see when you go out for a meal, you generally follow the starter/main/dessert format, and have a rough idea of how many calories you are taking on.
At a barbecue it's more of a main/main/main/main/dessert/sometimes more main/drink/drink/drink set up.
Rather than force feed geese to make Foie Gras, it would be more humane to invite them to a series of informal barbecues.
There should be no need for the cruelty of the existing practice.
And Salman Rushdie gets a knighthood...woo hoo!
If I was him I would be a bit apprehensive in case the Queen had secretly converted to Islam.
He would then be in a vulnerable postion,on his knees in front of the Queen with a big sword in her hand.
There would be that tense pause when she is about to pronounce to him...
Is it "A- rise Sir Salman"...
or it could be "A-llah Akbar"...then swish...
I got back from London just in time for a gig at The Stand.
It was a really fun night, everyone had a good gig and Tom Stade had me in hysterics...AND the cheeky compere, the wondrous Susan Calman was wearing girly make-up...
It was all happening!
I gave Tom a lift home and was gravely embarassed, when my "Bananarama Greatest Hits" cd bust into action when I switched the ignition on.
But I am still cool in spite of all this...

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

05/06/07 The Silly Isle









So anyway, I set off to Arran with 7 others for a weekend of golf (don't let that fool you...I am as cool as fuck), and general merriment...
One of the slight drawbacks in living in sunny Haymarket is that I occasionally have to park my motor under a row of trees.
As well as the said motor getting coated by a kind of sappy gloop stuff which the trees emit, a group of resident crows use my motor for shitting target practise.
These aren't dainty little 10p size jobbies...no sir...it looks like terradactyl size stools...and my poor Mondeo gets savagely splattered with keech.
I try my best to keep my car clean and meticulously valet it, however all this is outwith my control, and consequently I was subjected to a weekend of constant ridicule regarding the state of my car...
Shocking behaviour....
We left sensibly early and had plenty of time to enjoy a relaxing coffee at Ardrossan before boarding Caledonian Macbrayne's finest to begin our voyage to the Isle of Arran.
The relaxation element was abruptly curtailed when I discovered I'd left my jacket with my wallet in it on Ardrossan Pier at the cafe.
Result!
With 3 minutes till sailing time I ran down the gangway and into the cafe desperately shouting at random officials if they'd seen my jacket.
It turned out it had been handed in and was on the ship...and so with seconds to spare I ran up the gangway and had to leap 15 feet through the air just managing to grab the rail of the boat and haul myself on board, (slight exaggeration, but more or less accurate)...
Had a couple of rounds of one of the best and quirkiest golf courses in the world..Shiskine...just a 12 hole course..but brimming with character...
(don't let this golf talk fool you...I am as cool as fuck, ok?)
Colin obviously felt slightly aggrieved at my headline grabbing stupidity with my jacket, and decided to up the ante by locking Bilbo's car keys inside the boot of his car, (with 4 sets of golf clubs as well)
The look on his face when he disclosed his accident to us will live long in the memory...
I described it as that of a man who was cleaning his shotgun in his house and had accidentally blown the head off of a close relative...
The whole golf element of the weekend was hanging in the balance....
Luckily my RAC membership came to the rescue...
They cover the member not the car (news to me), so a local mechanic came and spent a few hours trying to, and finally managing to open the boot using an impressive array of little inflatable things to ease the door open and allow him to fiddle with the wiring...
A classic demonstration of how the most modern secure cars can be gotten into by people who have the right tools and know what they are doing.
woo hoo!
36 more holes of golf (I am COOL) followed on the Saturday...
I had started off playing quite well, but by the last game had gone into a tailspin and on the last game played possibly the worst game of golf I've ever played in my life...
In spite of this myself and Bilbo came second in the team challenge..won by Colin and Rob...yeah yeah yeah...it's all about taking part etc etc
On the Saturday night we had a prolonged session at the pool table...
We had been joined/invaded by a holidaying female mentalist from East Kilbride who introduced herself as "Ginsie"...
At first I thought she was just a friendly soul, but quickly it became apparent that she had the "Fatal Attraction" DVD at home and had watched it every day for the past 20 years.
I glanced over my shoulder to see her polish off the whisky we had filled the golf trophy with...hmmm...
She then proceeded to expose her cleavage theatrically above whatever pocket on the pool table any one of the innocent golfers was aiming at.
It wasn't something that you saw every day that's for sure.
Over the course of the weekend I argued with the rest of the golfers about the correct terminology to describe melted cheese on a piece of toast (yes "toast"...that word is critical)
I say "toasted cheese", but everyone else in the party idiotically calls it "cheese on toast"...
Bizarre...
It doesn't make sense...
If you were a rock band and you had to choose between two names, namely "Cheese on Toast" or "Toasted Cheese", is there any doubt whatsoever which one you would choose???
No more questions, your honour....
I was also impressed by one of our party being able save on their hotel bill by fitting snugly into a swan vestas matchbox, using a toffo wrapper as a duvet and an acorn as a pillow...
You really had to be there to appreciate it though...
Another impressive moment concerned a member of the party,mysteriously named as "Peanut" taking 2 hours to remove a mattress from a top bunkbed.
He wanted to do this because the person on the lower bunk had decided to remove his mattress to the floor.
Fearing a World Trade Center-esque collapse, Mr Peanut decided to adopt a safety first approach.
You really had to be there to appreciate it though...