Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Walk

I went for a 12 mile walk today.
I walked out to Corstorphine, then across Drumbrae to Barnton, then back into Haymarket.
Why?
No idea...I was a bit cabin feverish after yesterdays glorious weather and felt I needed some fresh air.
Walking along main roads is quite an unusual activity.
I didn't meet anyone else doing it.
I was wondering if I could maybe write a guide on great main road walks in the UK?
It's not very picturesque, and you are forced to inhale the exhaust fumes of thousands of vehicles.
However, if you get bored, you have the opportunity to stop at a bus stop and jump on a bus.
This is not possible when you are hillwalking in the Highlands.
One thing I noticed in the course of my grand walk is that I have a long-standing predilection to stop and look in the windows of fish shops.
I'm not sure why I do this.
The wares on display tend to be pretty constant.
Haddock,Cod,Halibut,Smoked Haddock,Whiting,Sole,Mussels,Prawns and that's about it.
One thing that annoys me looking in fish shop windows is when the fishmonger(s) stare at me while I'm doing it.
It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I probably spend less time looking in the window than I would ideally like.
It's the expression on their faces that gets me.
I imagine that it's a similar expression to one that somebody would do if you walked into their garden and pressed your face against their living room window while they were watching television.
Surely you should welcome people looking at your fish?
They should smile and wave at me...that way I'm more likely to come in and buy a fish.
I've come to the conclusion that I was a fish in a previous life.
This is the only rational explanation as to why I am constantly drawn to look into fish shop windows.
I'm beginning to think that the Fishmongers recognise this and see me as some kind of threat to their livelihood.
Perhaps they fear that I want to steal all their goods so that I can give all my brother and sister fish a decent burial, rather
than allow their bodies to be disgracefully displayed to the public by the evil Fishmonger trade.

Anyway, month 2 of my football betting system got off to a poor start when I bet on Rangers to beat Dundee United last week, but discovered just before kick-off that Walter Smith had slected a virtual reserve team.
Dundee United Won.
I got back on track by backing Liverpool to beat Sunderland.
Last night I hit the jackpot.
I was already backing Bayern Munich to beat Manchester United.
Man U scored after a minute.
I deviated slightly from my system by putting more money on Bayern to win.
I just had a gut instinct that Man U had scored too early and that Bayern could come back and win. (at odds of 8/1 now)
There is a bit of a history of teams scoring first in big games then going on to lose the match...most recently Aston Villa in the league cup final against Man U...
It can slightly discombobulate a team to score so early, and they end up surrendering the momentum of the match.
In the end Bayern won 2-1, and I made £366.70 on the match.
My month 2 situation is now £273 in profit.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Goldfish Bowl

To be involved with either Old Firm club either as a player or a manager, your existence will constantly be referred to by the media
as like "living in a goldfish bowl", in terms of the scrutiny you come under.
Celtic need a new manager now.
I think it would be a good idea to actually appoint a goldfish.
This isn't as idiotic as it sounds.
There are advantages.
For instance, the goldfish would be unlikely to get into bother with the SFA as a consequence of openly criticising match officials.
In a post-match interview, if the goldfish was asked about a controversial penalty in the first half, he'd already have forgotten about it completely, and would have no view to make known.
(yes it will be a male goldfish...the SPL isn't quite ready for a female goldfish manager)
Also, the goldfish can say that he will "take one match at a time" without being regarded as spouting managerspeak cliches.
At press conferences, the media representatives should be forced to throw a ping pong ball into a goldfish bowl before they can ask the manager a question.
The goldfish could also win favour with the hacks by producing a series of quotable, dreadful, fish puns...
"Are you expecting a big crowd at Parkhead on Saturday?"
"Yes, we fully expect to fillet"
"What's your favourite pop group?"
"Fishbone Ash"
The press will love all that sort of stuff and give the goldfish an easy ride in the tabloids.

I gigged at "Hamish's Hoose" in Paisley last night.
It was hard work, and the heckles were coming thick and fast, but I enjoyed the combative nature of the performance.
I always know now when it is going to be quite a tough gig.
I come on and say that I "specialise in impro-VISATIONAL comedy"...I raise my clipboard and shout "thank you very much" before the audience get a chance to respond.
Most of the time this gets a big laugh, as it all comes across as being a bit mental.
I usually have a good gig if they find this bit funny.
Occasionally, it gets nothing, and from that moment I know that it is going to be hard work.
It went ok in the end but a tough gig nonetheless.
It's a great room for comedy though, and it's always a pleasure to do a gig that fellow comedian Chris Scoular promotes.
He's one of the genuine good guys in comedy, and a very funny man as well.
There was a big crowd at the gig, but it was noticeable how dead the rest of Paisley was on a Saturday night.
There were boarded up night clubs and bars that previously had been swarming with hundreds of revellers.
It had a real ghost town feel to it.
I got back at about 3.00am (losing an hour in the process)
Starving.
The only place I could think to go was the kebab joint at Tollcross.
It's weird being in a place like that when you're stone cold sober and everyone else is pissed out of their skulls.
The way alcohol makes everyone shout at each other is a fascinating phenomenon to observe.
Was alcohol ever called the "shouting drug" in its early days?
I was going to order a healthy kebab, but I couldn't stand waiting in this shouty nightmare, so went for the instant option of a large doner.
I haven't had a doner kebab in years.
I have to admit I enjoyed it, but 2000 calories just before bedtime is not ideal preparation, in terms of conditioning, for
a triathlon.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Catching Up

The poor old blog has been sadly neglected of late. I can't apologise enough.
Anyway, in hindsight my cunning plan of doing a gig in Edinburgh an hour before I did my solo show in Glasgow was
completely mental.
Idiot.
The normal stand-up has been going really nicely, but I wasn't happy with the solo show.
I decided not to include any existing material in it, and just wrote an untested hour of monologue.
Again this was probably more than a little mental.
Because the show had a narrative thread to it, I thought it would work by keeping the script fairly loose.
But on the night I seemed to be using all my energies trying to remember what I was going to say next rather than
breathing life into the story.
I was stressed out bigtime anyway, and that didn't help.
I even decided to smoke a few cigarettes before the show, thereby ruining my glorious 5 months abstinence ;
(back off them again though...I'll probably have to accept there may be an odd lapse every few months)
It was certainly a learning experience, that's for sure.
I was away in the mountains at the weekend with a pal of mine who informed me that the car he was driving used to belong
to someone who was killed in a mountaineering accident this year.
I'm not really superstitious, but the tabloid sub-editor in me could see a good "story" if the two of us managed to fall off a cliff on this trip.
"The Curse of the Car".
I've relaunched the Betfair football betting as an alternative source of income (hopefully).
It's going pretty well at the moment ; I've made £772 profit in March so far.
It's critically important to stick to the rules though.
My policy is to never have a bet "just because I feel like having a bet".
I must only bet on a match where I perceive there is some "value" in the odds.
I must always resist the temptation to make another bet immediately after a losing bet.
I only bet on matches which are live on television and facilitate in-play betting.
The other rule is that if the team I am betting on scores the opening goal, I must immediately lay off on the other team to cover my initial stake.
This means that if my team doesn't win, I don't make any profit, but I don't lose any money.
If my team wins, I make a profit with a deduction on the amount I've laid off against them winning.
You get so many games where a team goes into the lead, dominates the whole game but then loses a late equaliser.
The in-play bet guards against this coupon bustin' possibility.
The last time I got involved with this Befair malarkey, I ended up even over the long term.
I should have been way ahead but made some ridiculous, foolhardy bets chasing after losses.
I'm hoping I can make a decent profit if I stick rigidly to my system.
It doesn't really feel like a particularly honourable job though.
Am I contributing to society in a meaningful way?
Probably not.
Oh well, I'll be attempting to spread the gift of laughter this evening ; it being the best medicine and all that...allegedly.