Wednesday, April 30, 2008

29/04/08 Good Moaning







This is the mountain which I will be conquering this weekend. It’s called Suilven and it looks a bit scary, but I have no fear and will laugh in the face of danger as I scramble along its precipitous ridge.
(assuming that I survive the canoe trip there ok)
Email should be a positive boon in terms of easy, quick, group-communication needed to organise an event of this nature.
However, the reality is somewhat different.
Emails get consistently ignored, text messages are left unanswered, people reply eventually, but then fail to include everyone on the original distribution list in their reply.
Such is the delay sometimes in getting a reply from everyone, that many have forgotten what the original question was by the time the answers trickle in.
Then the whole “ignoring” thing starts to do your head in.
If it’s just one email or text that’s getting ignored, it’s easy to shrug your shoulders and not let it bother you.
However, when this happen a few times, my mood noticeably darkens, and the tempting notion of embarking on a “killing spree” in Haymarket is only curtailed by the unfortunate non-availability of powerful, automatic handguns..
Like it or not, the reality is that we subconsciously grade all our friends and acquaintances to form a pecking order.
If you’re “A list”, all your calls will be more or less immediately returned.
The “B list”are usually replied to within 2-3 days, but occasionally need to call again to get a response.
“B List” people can still be seen as valued friends, but they’re just not quite as important, clever or creative as their “A List” peers, and may miss out occasionally on corporate jollies and gala luncheons.
“C list” are mainly people selling Kitchen Design (“we’re in your area tomorrow!”) or Double-Glazing Salesmen, or possibly old school friends trying to organise a reunion.
I have been shocked to discover that in some instances my perceived “A List” status is nothing more than a myth.
I’ve been idiotically deluding myself.
I have been relegated to “B List” (although not right across the board I hasten to add. Some people out there still think I’m cool and influential…The idiots.).
How did this happen? Where did it all go wrong?
I can’t pretend any longer, and must try to accept this devastating truth.
Maybe I was always a “B List” and misinterpreted various social signals, deeming them commiserate with “A List” status. Like being given the opportunity to wash their cars, like Biff Tannen in “Back to the Future 2”.
I’m not sure whether to treat my “A List” contacts like “B List” contacts in a powerful demonstration of revenge, by subtly delaying responses to direct requests.
This policy could backfire.
I could find myself banished to “C List” status as a consequence for fooling around with an established caste system.
I’m not bitter though, and think I might embrace my everyman status, throw away my laptop and mobile phone, and become a Ghandi type figure in Scotland wandering around the Highlands solving people’s problems in a funny way, then disappearing into the Glen to find my next assignment.
Actually, I think I might try to organise a school reunion…

I was gutted to hear of the death of Humphrey Lyttelton.
He was one of these figures I’d just assumed would go on forever.
In my memory he was always very old, and was destined to be an old codger in perpetuity.
I always loved the opening couple of minutes of “I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue” where Humph makes a few jokes referencing the locality of the broadcast.
I don’t know how much he actually wrote himself, but the delivery was always absolutely flawless, and never ceased to crack me up.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

22/04/08 That Sinking Feeling







It was really great to see Joon Broon hoovering up any available front row pints at the esteemed Red Raw Comedy Night. Just like the old days! woo hoo!
It was slightly disappointing that she didn’t get the chance to down a full one in vintage style, but I’m sure there’ll be plentiful future opportunities.
On one of the last times I saw her compering , I ended up kissing her arse on stage… (my first ever appearance on stage at The Stand).
This was engineered by funnyman Dave Reilly fraudulently filling in a “Prize Draw Card” with my name attached, which stated that “I would love to kiss the compere’s arse!”.
And so it came to pass that I was summoned onto the stage to perform the aforementioned act of worship.
Last night one of the acts came on, told a few jokes, then spent the rest of his spot with a chopstick up his nose, a silver ball spinning in his hand and one of these Diablo things swinging around.
Quality.
Derek Johnston had a fantastic gig.
We are fellow practitioners of the “out there” comedy genre, and it’s always great watching him when the audience get it, as they certainly did last night.
I was slightly unnerved to hear today of some Canadian canoeists having to be dramatically rescued after they capsized in a loch in Sutherland due to a freak gust of wind.
I am going canoeing/mountaineering in Sutherland in a couple of weeks, and could have done without dwelling on this incident.
Although maybe it’s a good thing, as we’ve now been made fully aware of the intrinsic risks involved.
I’m not a boats/water fan and much prefer the old terra firma, baby…!
The trouble is that to get to the mountain we have to canoe across a loch.
I’ve had boating difficulties before. Remember this?
There was also a hair-raising boat trip in Colombia.
This involved 4 of us in a tiny little boat in Cape Horn-esque sea conditions, with, of course, no lifejackets.
This terrifying ordeal lasted for 2 hours before we finally made it to land.
In the midst of the terror, amongst other dark thoughts , I remember contemplating what tunes would be played at my funeral.
(maybe “Sailing” by Rod Stewart? or the old classic “Paddlin’ Madeline Home” by Cliff Edwards)
I was at a funeral recently where one of the hymns was the same tune as “One-Nil…to the Arse-enal..One-Nil…to the Arse-enal” (originally “Go West” by the “Pet Shop Boys”).
Why am I writing this? I’ve no idea really….
I’m sure if the weather is fine it will be an idyllic experience, however, the trouble with Scottish weather is that it can change for the worse very quickly.
Here’s a good clip of Richard Herring dealing with a heckler.
It’s a very popular clip amongst the comedy fraternity.
You could compare it to how a group of foxes would enjoy watching a film of members of a Hunt being thrown from their horses.

Monday, April 21, 2008

21/04/08 Going Up!







Hamilton Academicals are back in the Premier League!
We made a pilgrimage through to my Dad’s home town of Hamilton to see them secure the 1st Division championship by beating Clyde 2-0.
I’d also studied at Bell College in Hamilton.
It was here that I obtained a “Post-Graduate Diploma in Systems Analysis and Design”, (it’s fair to say it was slightly less interesting than it sounds, if you can believe that)
We decided to splash out and go for the hospitality package.
Well, it’s not every day that the Accies are within a ball hair of being back in the (relatively) big time.
I was thrilled to find myself sitting at an adjoining table to Scottish football legend Frank MacAvennie.
He may have been an ex-Celtic player, but I still have a certain fondness for Frank and see him as a fantastic role model.
His raucous laugh has a gloriously infectious quality about it.(Ideal for a member of a comedy club audience.)
I was very impressed by how friendly and welcoming the Accies officials were.
I was less impressed with the mushroom soup and the white wine, but that’s a minor quibble.
Saturday was about more important things than pedantic catering analysis.
The game itself was probably one of the most mediocre football matches I’ve ever witnessed (and I’ve witnessed a few), largely due to a fierce, icy wind which was instrumental in preventing a display of the champagne football which Accies fans have grown accustomed to witnessing this season.
We were chilled to the bone.
But this is all academic..
Winning isn’t the most important thing, it’s the only thing, as they say.
There was a bit of disharmony in the stand, as it turned out that season ticket holders had been turfed out their seats to make way for the corporate hospitality “fat cats”,
(in retrospect, sporting a camel coat , wearing a lot of jewellery and smoking a big cigar might have projected the wrong image and subconsciously invited criticism from the New Douglas Park regulars).
I could certainly sympathise with their plight and found it all a bit embarrassing.
It was obviously irresistible for the club to milk as much money as possible out of their big day, and given the perilous finances of Scottish football, it’s understandable.
Thankfully, after some animated “discussion”, we all got a seat and enjoyed Hamilton’s moment of triumph as they lifted the First Division Cup.
And then back into the lounge for further alcohol, and checking out some very impressive looking WAGs who were waiting for the players to appear.
When they came in they were all wearing t-shirts that said “Hamilton Accies ; Division 1 Champions 2007/08”.
I was amazed at how quickly they’d designed and printed the T-shirts as it was only 10 minutes after full-time.
That was incredible. The t-shirt technology has obviously moved on a lot in recent years. I can only assume that they did it using the Interweb or something like that?
It’s interesting to compare this feat with cheque processing.
In 2008 you can design and print a T-shirt in 10 minutes, but it still takes 5 days for a cheque to clear.
Scandalous.
Having played golf in the morning (a charity game involving under-privileged, dysfunctional adults who wouldn’t normally be able to afford the expense of a round of golf), and then after the football attending a ravey late-night party back in Edinburgh, I wasn’t feeling too clever on the Sunday.
I had a 10 minute spot at The Stand on Sunday night.
I’d planned to do the spot then leave immediately and hit the hay.
One other act hadn’t shown up so I got asked to do a longer set.
I was a bit apprehensive, as I felt fairly grim, and an hour before the gig a tooth implant had fallen out during the consumption a packet of Rolos, leading me to speak with something of a farty lisp.
In the end I had a really nice gig and did just under 20 minutes.
I suppose it’s a good opportunity to show you can handle a sudden change in set length and step up to the plate when required.
I stayed to watch Dan Evans…loved his stuff…gloriously silly.

Friday, April 18, 2008

18/04/08 They Think It Might Not Be Quite Over Yet






I feel I have to begin by apologising to fellow supporters of “”Rangers Football Club”.
I tempted fate on Wednesday by deciding to bait Celtic supporters via email BEFORE the Old Firm match had actually taken place.
I refer you to “Exhibit A” ( the actual email I sent on Wednesday afternoon…)

“Is it wee Gordy’s last hurrah tonight?
Will the Celtic “Reliant Robin” have a hope of stopping the Rangers “Juggernaut”
Will “Vainglorious of Whistlebinkies” squander another load of chances?
Will Celtic’s “End of Season” party still go ahead tomorrow night?”


nb “Vainglorious of Whistlebinkies” is actually the Celtic striker “Vennegoor of Hesselink” falling victim to my trademark, hilarious wordplay.
He scored the last-minute winner against Rangers.

Well, would you adam and eve it, I received a reasonably positive review for my gig at The Stand last Thursday here.
I’d have rather had a review on the higher intensity gigs of Friday and Saturday, but I still really enjoyed Thursday, so mustn’t grumble.

Also on Wednesday I had a meeting with fellow comedians Martin McAllister, Jeff O’Boyle and Gordon Alexander.
We are appearing in a show during the Fringe entitled “No Comedy For Old Men” at the Meridian Bar on Leith Walk.
I reckon it’ll be a cracking show. They have 3 very different comedy personas which I think will give the show a satisfying blend.
More information will soon be forthcoming on this worthy enterprise.

At last Friday’s gig, and lubricated by a few beers, I remember pronouncing loudly within earshot of the venue grandees about how much of a privilege it was to play the gig at the weekend, and that I’d gladly pay to do it…so much do I enjoy the experience.
This is all fine and dandy, but it’s maybe not the greatest display of business acumen. .
If Sir Alan Sugar had been observing, I’d have been summarily dismissed as a “Fucking Idiot!” , instantly fired, then driven away in an over-priced Edinburgh black cab, to think again.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

15/04/08 Woo Hoo!









Jamie “Frainto” Frain and his team stormed to a sensational victory on STV’s critically acclaimed “Postcode Challenge” last night.
My only disappointment was that the show was so tightly edited, Jamie’s banter was severely restricted .
Other than a throwaway “Carbon Footprint” line (hmmm…there’s a joke there somewhere!), there wasn’t quite enough off-the-cuff comments to satisfy those of us in the TV audience desperate for a few Frainto one-liners.
It was nice to see the team stroll off with 3 grand in the end.
There’s a possibility of winning 25 grand, but the question to get to the 5 grand level was a real stinker, and it was always odds-on that they weren’t going to get beyond that.
Even a cosmopolitan, highly-educated man-about-town like me didn’t know that the German word for “dry”, in the context of wine, is tronken.
So to get 3 out of 5 team members getting that right was always going to be a big ask, as they say.
On the news yesterday there was a report on the ongoing “Terrorist Plot” trial involving the alleged planning of a co-ordinated attack on a number of aircraft.
A few excerpts were shown of “martyrdom videos” allegedly featuring the accused men.
I was extremely shocked by these excerpts.
I couldn’t believe how poor the delivery of each monologue was.
Each production had “inexperienced open spot” written all over it.
It’s no good having interesting material if you don’t sell it properly.
If I were these guys, I would have signed up for a local “Stand-Up Course”, (as opposed to a “Blow-Up Course”..! boom! boom!), and develop some decent media presentational skills
As with “Everest” double-glazing, you only record a martyrdom video once, so you might as well make a decent stab at it.
Thanks to these buffoons, in the past year I have had approximately 5 newly-purchased bottles of water confiscated in airport departure lounges, putting me, at a conservative estimate, more than £4 out of pocket.
Such is the reality of the ongoing “War On Terror”…

Sunday, April 13, 2008

13/04/08 'Ee it were grand...!











I really couldn't have wished for a better run of weekend gigs.
But who wants to read such self-aggrandising cock? Let's move on...
I had an odd moment last night when the beep alarm on my watch went off halfway through my set. It took me a while to work out that it was coming from MY watch.
It was funny though.
Just as I was winding up last night, I said "well that's just about the end of my set...", when this woman piped up in the front row and audibly announced "Good...!"
I couldn't really tell whether she was being jokey, or whether she genuinely was relieved I was vacating the stage.
With rapier wit, I guffawed and pronounced..."Fuck OFF!" (in a jokey, non-aggressive way).
After the gig I gave a demonstration of classic "comedian fragile ego syndrome" by wondering at length why she had felt moved to say that.
It was obviously ridiculous to think like that. I'd just had a rocking gig (definitely one of the best ever), and yet I seemed obsessed with why one person didn't like my act, rather than bask in the afterglow of experiencing the vast majority of the audience totally going with everything I put in front of them.
AND I even managed to drink responsibly throughout the weekend, and impressively avoided being found unconscious in my stairwell wearing a traffic cone.
It was a win-win-win situation.
My old mucker Jamie Frain is apparently appearing as "team captain" on STV's highly rated award-winning quiz show "Postcode Challenge" this Monday coming (14th April).
I'm intrigued to see how the boy comes across, as he was always a shy retiring type who shunned the limelight in any situation.
He's certainly not the type who would spend 30 minutes shamelessly mugging to the camera and trotting out a host of wisecracks dating from the Jurassic period.
No sir, Mr Frain would never be found doing that...or would he? Hmmmmm.....
I've just been watching "TV's Funniest Music Moments".
(I'm having a busy day)
There was a gruesome montage of musical moments from "Crackerjack" as a number of hit records of the day were spectacularly murdered beyond recognition by Peter Glaze and his cronies.
It was actually even more shite than I'd remembered it as.

Friday, April 11, 2008

11/04/08 Sore Tow






I’m having a fairly action-packed week.
I’ve got five gigs on at The Stand this week, and they’ve been going pretty darned well.
I did the longer “main support” slot at the Sunday show in Glasgow and in spite of slightly bricking it in advance, had a really good gig and made the time with no problems.
I was in a fairly buoyant mood as I drove back to Edinburgh.
My mood darkened a couple of days later when I found out that my car had been towed away.
I’d accidentally parked on a “City Car Club” space on Sunday night.
It didn’t really look any different in the dark to a “Resident Permit Holder” space, but that is unlikely to save my £135 fee. Ouch!
My mood further darkened on Wednesday when I was awarded a £35 parking ticket on account of my road tax disc falling off my windscreen onto the floor.
God moves in a mysterious way.
What did I do to deserve this?
When I went to pick up my car at the pound I was theatrically polite and courteous.
I just thought I’d like to bemuse them slightly, as I imagine everyone else arrives in a fit of raging temper, which is understandable but ultimately pointless.
I reckon that the people who work there have probably developed a perverted sense of enjoyment at seeing the impotent rage of their customers as they are forced to painfully cough up the requisite £135!!!
I think most normal, sensitive people would find the incessant customer hostility which comes with the job as unbearable.
You could only sustain yourself in a job like this if at some point you began to find the “car owner going mental syndrome” intensely amusing.
At least I didn’t give them that satisfaction.
I am a true hero of the people.
I am almost at 12 ½ stone.
That is pretty impressive considering I’m not really on a diet, and just don’t eat bread and potatoes all that much anymore.
That’s the lightest I’ve been for years.
I think it’s helped that I’ve been under the cosh at work during the day and gadding about in comedy land at night a lot this week.
I don’t feel all that different, but when I walked around carrying the amount of weight I’ve lost, it seems a lot.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

01/04/2008 You can fly!









Well I have to admit that BBC Breakfast Show caught me out this morning.
I’d just emerged from my bed and switched on the telly to see some footage of penguins hurriedly waddling along on the ice, gradually building up to a very impressive land speed by penguin standards.
At this point they started madly flapping their wings and took off.
I did say out loud “Wow! That’s amazing”
(I obviously come over all Kate Bush in the mornings)
After a few seconds of watching the penguins soar though the air like swallows, I realised that yes, ha ha…! it’s an April 1st wind up…
It was a pretty good one though…nice bit of CGI work…
The BBC Breakfast Show as well…
Who would have thought it?
I think if it had been later in the day I would have been quicker off the mark...but I would say that, wouldn't I?
I watched the Marty Feldman show last night.
I remembered it used to crack me up when I were a nipper.
Unfortunately it hasn’t dated well, and I sat stoney faced through as much of the show as I could be bothered watching.
Nostalgia just isn’t as good as it used to be.
My latest alcohol abstinence campaign lasted 9 days.
Very poor.
Cheers!