Thursday, July 27, 2006

26/07/06 Jimmy Cricket




I was asked at the last minute to turn out for the Edinburgh University Physics Dept cricket team.
I've never really played cricket before but figured that batting was vaguely similar to hitting a golf ball so I might be able to get way with it.
The Physics team is called "E=MCC".
(So that immediately "hits for six" anyone who might opine that Physics lecturers have no sense of humour.)
I was put in as batsman No. 4.
You have to wear a "box" to protect your dangly bits.
It's basically a hard codpiece type thing that you place beneath your pants.
This is all well and good, but there weren't enough to go around so I had to use the sweaty "box" that the number 3 batsman had been using before me. Yuk!
I was told that the "box" tip is to wear 2 pairs of pants and place the "box" between the two.
I was bricking it as I ambled out to the crease. The bowling looked pretty darn fast.
Anyway, after a few bowls wooshed menacingly by, I got into my stride and hit 17 runs before being caught.
That was the 3rd highest score of our team.
I felt quite smug and clever.
Maybe I could have been a pro if I'd started earlier in life?
Anyway, our turn to bowl came and the captain asked if I could bowl.
My confidence was high from the batting so I accepted the role.
This is where it all went wrong.
The first bowl was ok.
The second went about 10 yards wide of the wicket.
That makes it a "wide". They get a run and you have to add an extra bowl in your over.
The next went about 30 yards wide of the wicket.
Another "wide". Another extra delivery to be added on.
I was feeling tinges of humiliation and wanted the over to end sometime soon.
The last tragic image of my opening bowling spell was the ball bouncing 4 times before coming to a virtual stop in front of the batsman.
I should have just stuck to batting.
I conceded 21 runs in my first over.
I could have been a contender.
Anyway, we lost.
But very enjoyable though.
I don't like cricket...I love it.
Similarly, on a sporting theme I played golf at Newbattle with Bill and Pete (who I hadn't seen for more than 10 years).
Pete has retained his rugged good looks and is a great example to the rest of us.
He's quite good at golf too.
Although working for Edinburgh Council obviousl;y affords him plenty of time to practice.

Monday, July 24, 2006

23/07/06 Stayin' Alive....



I was sitting in my flat last night at 11.30pm when I heard someone repeatedly trying to get in to my flat through the door that connects with the ground floor lobby.
"Hmmm...that's strange!" I thought to myself.
"Do I go and investigate, risking a bread knife in the chest from an aggressive mentalist? Or do I immediately do nothing, but condemn myself to a period of prolonged conjecture wondering who it might have been?"
I decided to see who it was.
I nicked up the stairs, opened the door and saw an elderly american couple walking up the stairs.
"Were you trying to get in here?" I asked politely.
"Do you live there?"
"Yes, this is my flat..."
"Is your name PARK? " (This is what it says on the door)
"errr...Yes...I'm Jim Park"
"Ah, we thought that the door was an entrance to "The Park" outside, so we thought we'd have a quick look..."
"Ah"
"Is your first name Andy?"
"No, it's Jim.." (as I had just told them seconds before)
"hah! That's too bad. Andy Park is in the "Bee Gees"!!"
"Really?"

Andy Park in the "Bee Gees"?
That certainly was a new one to me.
I always thought that it was the Gibb brothers who made up the constituent parts of the aforementioned pop combo.
And there, the slightly strange encounter ended.
I assume they are the parents of some Americans who are renting the flat upstairs.
But perhaps they were burglars using the clever disguise of doo-lally American tourists to allay suspicion?

I could have pointed out to them, that while trying to get into someone's flat in Scotland is generally met with a sympathetic interpretation of the misunderstanding ; trying this routine in the States is likely to be met with a volley of automatic gunfire, and a sympathetic hearing from the County Judge for the householder at the Homicide hearing.
I was initially tempted to take my baseball bat to the door, but instead opted for a Ghandi-like approach to the problem.

I suppose I should be grateful that they didn't see the sign "PARK", and then decide to drive their car into my living room, thinking it was a free car parking area.
That could have been messy....

Thursday, July 20, 2006

20/07/06 Scorchio...!



The tricky North-West face of Shehallion






I had a gig at The Stand on Monday night which went really well.
I then had another one at The Stand the following night.
This wasn't very good.
I did the same set, but the belly laughs of 24 hours previous were replaced by quizzical stares.
It was the reaction you'd expect if you were showing your dog a card trick.
A group of friends and aquaintances came to one of the shows.
Which one do you think it was?
Typical...!
In fairness, Tuesday was a struggle for a lot of the acts ; although Jim Hobbit produced a trademark mentalist performance that got the place rocking...!
He certainly read the room better than I did, that's for sure.
I've got a million and one things to do, but I find the hot weather just turns me into a slothy layabout.
Thank goodness it's a bit cooler today....
I walked up the mountain Shehallion yesterday in The Trossachs.
It was a tough slog in the heat but it was amazing at the top.
Knackered today though..and I've got football tonight.
One of my great comedy heroes, Richard Herring, has agreed to do a guest spot for "Kill The Monster" on the 19th August, so I'm looking forward to that.

Friday, July 14, 2006

14/07/06 Hot Hot Hot



"Are you talking to me...?"




I had a really good gig at The Stand in Glasgow this week.
It was especially pleasing because they had been a very tricky audience and it was initially difficult to get them going.
I've got another short set next Tuesday (18/7) at The Stand in Edinburgh in case anyone fancies coming along.
I must apologise in advance though for doing the hardy perennials!
I just want to have a good gig and hopefully get longer spots in the future.
I was watching the Big Cat special programme last night on BBC3.
They were studying the awkward relationship that lions have with hyenas.
Whenever the subject of Hyenas comes up, I've noticed that it is now common for the commentator to bemoan the bad press that these animals get, and then prompt you to marvel at their toughness and survival skills.
This is all fair enough, but they do seem to me to be the true "neds" of the animal kingdom.
It's very difficult to watch them catching prey.
They don't have the physical attributes needed to kill their prey outright before they eat it.
The lion grabs nother animals round the neck and asphyxiates them before eating.
However, the hyena's bite is designed purely to rip chunks of flesh off the bone.
The poor victim just has to sit there and get eaten alive.
Not pleasant. Either to watch or experience.
Also, if you are a lion and you've killed something, you don't get a spare minute to relax and have a nice meal.
You get pestered by more and more hyenas until they drive you way through force of numbers.
It's be like sitting down to have a fish supper at the table and having a group of neds running round the table persistently trying to pinch a chip off your plate, then eventually knocking the plate off the table and eating it all.
I would hate that.
I wouldn't marvel at their ingenuity and persistence.
I'd just want to wring their necks.
Ah but they are all god's creatures I suppose.
I had a dream in which my Fringe show started with someone dressed as a rabbit doing a starnge dance to the instrumental record "Popcorn" by the one-hit-wonders "Hot Butter".
I feel that this is a sign from the Comedy Gods and that I should now make this the start of my show or risk their wrath.
If you know anyone with a rabbit costume with reasonable co-ordination, then don't hesitate to contact me.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

11/07/06 Hey Baldie!



According to a lip-reading friend of mine, that's what Materazzi said to Zidane..!
I'd say that it was a reasonable reaction by ZZ under the circumstances.
It's a shame to see him bow out like that though.
He's a football god.
I'll remember his performance against Brazil long after I've forgotten the headbutt.
Anyway, my Italian brother-in-law Max had a great weekend.
A baby daughter and Italy winning the World Cup!
It doesn't get much better than that...
He watched the match in hospital with my sister but left to drive back into Edinburgh before the penalty shoot-out ; convinced that Italy's previous woeful record at penalties would continue.
My brother was staying in his flat in town, and "Wag" that he is, he told Max that Italy had indeed lost on penalties..and kept the story going for a few minutes...even describing the missed Italian penalties...before imparting the good news...! He is evil! mwhaaaa-ha-ha-ha (evil laughter).
It is interesting to read about all the theories about what was said to Zidane to make him completely lose the plot...
When the truth is out, it may seem quite tame.
The problem is that insults often don't have the same resonance in different countries.
For example, a Spanish granny might exclain "Oh You Cunt!", when she burns her finger doing the ironing, and no-one would bat an eyelid.
If my Granny had ever said that, I'd have collapsed in shock.
Also the alleged "Son of a prostitute" is a really common expression in Latin countries and isn't that big a deal.
No worse than "Son of A bitch" really, which you might hear someone say on the "A Team".
I can only assume it must be a racial slur.
If it is FIFA should come down on Materazzi like a ton of bricks.
The tournament has been punctuated with enormous "Kick Racism Out Of Football" banners, pre-match speeches condemning racism etc
This is all going to look pathetic if they don't react accordingly when racism is shown to take place on the pitch.

Friday, July 07, 2006

07/07/06 Hooray!!!!



Just a short Blog to announce the joyful news that my sister Janie has given birth to a bouncing baby girl upon this very morn...!
I am an Uncle for the first time and I'm dead excited about it...
Congratulations to Janie and Max !!!!
Also, being a Rangers fan, I'm delighted that the baby now shares a birthday with the Queen Mother...!
Back of the net...!!!!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

01/07/06 It's Over...!





Oh well, so it wasn't to be.
One thing is certain.
British bookmakers have probably had the best day in their history.
Brazil and England were the by far heaviest backed teams in the tournament by UK punters.
I'd suggest you buy shares immediately in Betting Companies as they will have landed enormous profits from today's World Cup events.
I don't really relate to saddos who go out and buy Portugal shirts and go mental when England lose.
However, unless you're a partisan England fan, the overall impression is that England have brought nothing to this tournament in terms of quality football and entertainment. I'm not delirious to see them go out, but I'm certainly not sad either.
It's all been dreary and negative, mainly due to singularly unambitious tactics.
It's a crying shame, as they have got fantastic individual players who have been denied the platform to express themselves on the world stage.
The fact that the new manager has been appointed from within the present flawed management team doesn't bode well for the future.
If there was any natural justice, the World Cup should should have been presented to Zidane after his incredible performance last night against Brazil.
"There you go, son. Well done. We can all go home now."
He was conducting an irresistible symphony of Gallic flair...! (poetry an' everything in this Blog!)
Of course, it's almost inevitable that France won't win the Cup as they completely peaked last night. How can they top that performance?
They were taking the mickey out of Brazil. How many other teams would have the confidence to do that?
Brazil didn't deserve to go any further. They've been very disappointing.
I'm not generally one for conspiracy theories, but I'm at a loss to explain why Ronaldo has retained his place in the starting line-up.
Sponsor pressure? New goalscoring records to be set?
He was so slow, clearly overweight and contributed little.
There were several players on the Brazilian bench who would have posed a much greater threat to France.
At times it looked liked Brazil had agreed to play France in a testimonial match for Zidane.
Of course, if France meet Germany in the final, as I expect, he will be man-marked by a pacy defender and will be blocked out.
This is a pity for the neutral, but you can't blame the opposition for not wanting to be as generous as Brazil.
Brazil generally play better at World Cups when they are not the reigning champions.
They gave the impression this year that they just needed to turn up to win it.
Germany looks favourites now.
They must be almost inclined to play for penalty shoot-outs, such is their mastery of the art.
They look so confident when they stride up, and the execution is nerveless and clinical.
With Italy's shoot-out record, a Germany v Italy penalty drama would be comparable to a sumo match between the reigning world sumo champion and a "feeling a little poorly today" , Charles Hawtrey of "Carry On" film fame.