Saturday, September 27, 2008

27/09/04 Golf IS cool









And lo, it came to pass that the USA did in fact win the Ryder Cup...
kerrching....kerrching!
It actually was a lot closer than the final score suggests, and could have gone either way, but anyway...a nice payday for me.
It's a real shame that the Ryder Cup is on "Sky", as it needs to get seen by a bigger audience.
It's the most gripping sports event of all, I think.
I'd compare the last day of the Ryder Cup to watching 5 hours of back-to-back penalty shootouts.
It's such a PR own goal by the Golf administrators to not sell the rights to a terrestrial channel...
Anyway, I suspect my "cool rating" is plummeting faster than a portfolio of Banking shares, as a result of my weird, evangelical ode to the great game of golf.
The golf bet was just a one-off and I am not resuming my football betting regime.
Having just watched Arsenal lose at home to Hull City served as a reminder of the dangers of football betting.
That is definitely the grandaddy of all coupon bustin' results, I'd say.
I just sent a text to an Arsenal supporting friend, who was at the game, asking if he knew who the comedian was who had the pet emu.
Ha Ha...amn't I the funny one...! what?
I jogged/walked to the top of Arthur's seat yesterday...
It was a cracking day, and I was joined at the top by a group of American tourists who cooed at what a fantastic view it was and what a "truly beautiful city" Edinburgh was.
After a few minutes a group of teenagers, with recogniseable local accents appeared.
One piped up loudly "Ya Cnut ya...! Imagine sledging doon that...!!!" as he surveyed the view from the summit.
I felt very proud.
On the way down, I met three witches...
They said something like "Teddy should win....but that Rab Brown, riding a black stallion still might pose a threat".
I've no idea what they were on about, but maybe it will become clear later?
I woke up in the middle of the night and started jotting things down which seemed funny at the time, but in the cold light of day I'm not sure...but I'll give them a bash at a gig on Tuesday...
...well here's what I wrote...
I was in Canada and I was talking to a Grizzly Bear.
I said "Have you ever killed a salmon with your bare hands?"
He said "Yes"...in a sarcastic tone.

Do you know when you're trying to take off a wellington boot, and you're easing your foot out, and sometimes you leave the sock behind in the boot, when you finally pull it out?
That's a bit like when you take your jumper off and your t-shirt comes off at the same time, isn't it?
That's my observational humour bit.

And, I've got 2 hurricanes chatting to each other.
"Did you see me? did you see me? I took the roof off!"

I also have started a new treatment aimed at obese women with self-esteem issues.
I'm calling my approach, "Hippotherapy".

I saw a cracking film last night.
It was a German film called "The Wave".
It's about a teacher at a High School in Germany who has a week to teach his class about the political doctrine "Autocracy".
He decides to fully immerse his pupils in the subject, and for the week they create a "movement" and explore the ideology of the greater good of the "group" subjugating that of the individual.
Of course, things get a little out of hand.
There were a few moments when credulity was stretched, but overall a compelling movie.
It's like a reverse of "Dead Poets Society".
I have to say that it did at times make the conversion to a fascist mentality enormously appealing and fun, even though, of course, I would oppose this happening.
Obviously.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

16/09/08 Awesome











I recommend you go to see "Man On Wire".
What a brilliant, absolutely compelling tale.
I still can't believe he had the balls to do that.
There was something very eerie about his total self-belief and nervelessness.
I suspect I'm not the first person to say so, but it was great to be presented with
an amazingly memorable, uplifting image in the context of the twin towers, rather than forever associating them with the gruesome footage of planes smashing into the the buildings.
I also saw "The Mighty Boosh" live.
Very funny, but a little bit too much playing at being rock stars with their Boosh Band.
The bits I find funniest are the front-of-curtain banter sections with the 2 of them just riffing with each other and the audience.
When I watched "Morecambe & Wise" as a kid, it was always the similar thing they did at the start of the show which was my favourite bit.
I was never a fan of the big musical numbers or patchy sketches.
I have now gone a month without smoking, as the latest campaign to free myself from the evil addiction gathers momentum.
That's the good news...the bad news is I have to lose some weight again.
As usual I'd lost a fair amount during the Fringe, but coupled with not smoking, I've approached September and food with the attitude of a bear emerging from hibernation, scoffing anything that moves.
Last night I sat down on a stool and it buckled and broke.
This was maybe about to happen regardless of who sat on it, but I can't be sure and I can't afford the expense of hiring a structural engineer to analyse the stool to determine if there had been a certain amount of pre-existing, inherent weakness in the stool.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

13/09/2008 My Lovely Ryder Cup









I took the plunge today and bet on the USA to lift the Ryder Cup.
I feel downright dirty and wrong, but succumbed to my base instincts.
I was unable to resist their current underdog status at the bookies.
I can't help feeling that the plot of this year's event is similar to the Father Ted epsisode in which Dougal & Ted are entered by Ireland into the Eurovision Song Contest as a ploy, to ensure that Ireland have no chance of winning, and therefore don't have to fork out to host yet another event, for the following year.
There is surely a parallel in the decision to appoint Nick Faldo as the Europe captain.
He is a loner with no concept of "team", and as well as being the most successful ever UK golfer, he also the least popular ever with his fellow pros.
He's bound to make some ill-advised remarks which will pump up the Americans, and I just can't see him as the great motivator.
The event itself needs an American win to re-invigorate it, as Europe has started to dominate.
Faldo could be the man to deliver this.
I think this is what the European Golf administrators are planning.

I did my first opening 15 on one of the "weekend" nights at The Stand this week.
I was really happy with the way it went.
It certainly wasn't barnstorming, but after a slow start the middle and end went really well.
I don't recall ever sweating as much as that onstage though.
I'm not sure what the cause was, but I was gushing big time.
Perhaps it was the large anount of wine I'd knocked back the previous evening at a gala dinner thing. Who knows?
I got a lot of positive feedback from random audience members after the event, although on the debit side, a friend of a friend heard someone in the bogs describe me as "shit".
So, no room for complacency then.
Of course, the "shit" comment outweighed all the other positive comments in my post-gig mood, but that's the way it is.
We just want to be loved by everyone I suppose.
Very pathetic and very needy....

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

10/09/2008 Scary





There was an amusing moment during Sarah Palin's speech at the Republican Convention last week, when she proclaimed that one of the consequences of an Obama presidency would be "an increase in death taxes".
At this point the camera cut to an elderly delegate in the audience (looking concerned).
It was immediately clear that the TV production crew viewed her as the audience member most likely to be affected in the short term by this alleged impact of Democratic fiscal policy.
You also see this kind of thing at the Oscars ceremony.
Every year there is a poignant section in which images of movie people, who have passed on during the current year, are flashed onto the screen.
At the end of this montage, the camera flashes round the auditorium, blatantly pinpointing those in the audience who might make it into next year's remembrance section.
I had a troublesome gig at The Stand last week in which some drunken twat shouted out all through my set.
I couldn't make sense of what he was trying to say, so just ploughed on...but not a very enjoyable show.
But on a more positive note, I went round my golf course in level par.
As a moment of sporting triumph, this knocks our successful Olympic athletes into a cocked hat.
I've never done this at Dalmeny before.
It's unprecedented.
I can tell you're impressed.
Never mind...