Sunday, April 30, 2006

29/06/06 Thanks Ronnie!



Ronnie O'Sullivan looks on dejectedly as he faces elimination from the 2006 World Snooker Championship


Well, my worst fears were realised as Ronnie had a psychotic meltdown and lost to squeaky voiced Scot Graham Dott.
My bet lay in tatters.
Ronnie was playing so impressively in the morning session that I'm confident that I could have taken a few frames off him myself, (this is based on my ability at the height of my powers in the Stirling University Snooker Hall, where a break of up to 18 was not unknown).
The final is now between potential serial killer Peter Ebdon and Dott.
I'll go for Dott to win.
It's time I played the patriotic card.
I'm not putting a bet on though.
Although snooker has lost its tobacco sponsors, it is now involved in the even murkier world of online poker and Internet betting.
These activities are prominently advertised on the players waistcoats.
I have to say it all looks a little tacky and desperate.
It would be fair to say that these activities have the potential to be far more ruinous to your health than smoking (particularly if you put bets on snooker players who decide to abandon their formal game plan and launch into an extended tribute to the late great Charlie Cairoli)
It's likely to be only a matter of time before the actual green baize itself is used to advertise, in a similar way to the big Royal Bank of Scotland monstrosity logos in the middle of rugby pitches.
My hits to this blog have recently rocketed on account of me placing a link from the entry on Wikipedia for my former punk colleagues "The Exploited".
I just hope that new viewers can reconcile the concepts of anarchy and chaos with a detailed examination of the current state of UK Snooker.
I think these subjects have had and will continue to have, a strong relative connection.
Thanks to running up mountains all week and playing football twice, I'm 6 pounds lighter than I was 2 weeks ago. I'm the man...
Off to try and blag a ticket to see Hearts v Celtic.
£50 on Hearts to win. 2/1 against.
Can the jambos make up for Ronnie or is it a black week for Jim's punting?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

24/04/06 Back Of The Net



I had the best gig I've had for a long, long time last night.
This was especially pleasing as the set mainly comprised of new stuff I'd just cobbled together yesterday afternoon, and it was generally well received.
This put a bit of a spring in my step...
It was a great Monday night at The Stand with all the acts doing well. Not a car crash in sight...!
I particularly enjoyed the high energy wackiness of Mike Belgrave and Chris McCausland, a blind comedian.
They both had the place rocking.
I'd seen Chris sitting in the dressing room earlier on.
I thought he'd looked really nervous, with what I interpreted as a deep in thought "thousand yard stare",(you get used to seeing this expression on new acts' faces waiting their turn to go onstage. Although it turned out he was far from being a "new act" ). I didn't realise he was blind until I saw him being led onto stage by a helper.
He played on the blindness initially making a few quips about his "observational comedy" style.
However, the blindness wasn't used as a dominant subject for him, and he just turned out to be an incredibly funny comic.
I walked past "The Canny Man" pub in Edinburgh yesterday.
I used to go there with my labourer colleagues a long,long time ago, when I was working on the extension to the Royal Edinburgh Hospital. My contribution to the building process was principally to sweep up after the plasterers. This was well in the running for one of "the worst jobs I've ever had".
In fact this was so long ago, that a lunchtime pint in this pub was accompanied by the sophisticated entertainment of Go Go Dancers.
It's changed days now for the Canny Man. It has something of a reputation as an elitist hostelry, with extremely stringent admittance policies.
There's a big engraved sign next to the front door with the following inscription ;
"NO CAMERAS ; NO CREDIT CARDS ; NO SMOKING ; NO MOBILE PHONES ; NO BACKPACKERS".
It's not the most welcoming of pronouncements.
It does tempt you to get a backpack, light a cigar, shout into a mobile phone a la Dom Jolly, put a SLR camera with a 3ft telephoto lens round your neck and rush in shouting "Do you take American Express?", waving your credit card in the air.
I was a bit worried about Ronnie O'Sullivan yesterday. He was 9-7 down at one point, and I feared that he had taken my bold words rather literally and was in fact seriously attempting to win the Snooker World Championship with his cue stuck up his arse.
Thankfully, he prevailed and now faces Mark "I'm miserable, me, you see" Williams of Wales in the quarter final.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

21/04/06 Comedian Idle



"So you call that stand-up routine "funny and orginal"???. Hah! Time for me to find a new nerve, I think!"


I booked myself in for an audition at "The Comedy Unit" in Glasgow.
It's Scotland's biggest independent production company, and they produce shows like "Chewin' The Fat", "Still Game", "Rab C Nesbitt", "Karen Dunbar Show" etc etc
It wasn't an audition for any specific show or anything. They just wanted to have a look at who is doing the rounds in Scottish comedy circles and keep a note of them on their database.
When I was called in, there were 3 people sitting behind a desk.
We had a convivial chinwag about who I was and what I did.
I'd also brought in some hopefully amusing extracts from my hilarious Blog for them to peruse.
I always find interview situations with more than one interviewer slightly unnerving.
I'm fine on a 1-to-1 basis, but get a bit jumpy with the "panel" experience.
I was then asked to do a 5 minute spot of stand-up comedy in front of the panel.
It occurred to me at the time that this little scene could be part of somebody's anxiety nightmare. They're scheduled to have an extrememly important job interview the following morning when they suddenly wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat in absolute terror....
"You want me to do some stand-up comedy???? But I'm applying for the position of Quantity Surveyor??..."
Then the panel would say, "Yes, but it's an extension of isometric testing, and useful to see how you cope under the intense pressure of performing a funny and hopefully, original, comedy routine in front of the nation's leading power brokers of comedic product on TV"...
Anyway, I did a 5 minute spot...
I initially remarked that the set up reminded me of the last scene in the film "Flashdance" in which Jennifer Beal and her body double put on an acrobatic display of dance to a panel, of whom at least one is smoking a cigar.
Due to the smoking ban legislation, the cigar option was not possible in this scenario.
I think my delivery was a little on the quick side and I may have strayed into gibberish mode occasionally...
But my gibberish mode often gets bigger laughs than my more poised delivery, so this may not have been a bad thing.
It was filmed for posterity.
Perhaps it will be used as a clip on the acclaimed TV series "Before They Were Famous" and will be introduced sarcastically by Angus Deayton...with some reference about someone accidentally putting 5 grams of cocaine in my cheese sandwich which I ate before the audition.
I got a few laughs but it was all a bit of a blur. My recollection of my performance is a bit hazy...
It was a fun experience though and these Comedy Unit people were all very nice and friendly, as well as being stunningly charismatic and sexually attractive individuals, who I would explicity trust in terms of identifying and recruiting new talent looking for their big break in comedy land.
After the audition I went for a walk round Springburn Park. This was my main childhood haunt when I was a wee boy in Glasgow.
I hadn't been there for donkey's years, and have to say I found being there again overpoweringly emotional.
The park is looking good though.
It was neglected for years but it seems they are taking steps to return it to its former glory.
Back in Edinburgh, I had a bit of a contretemp with some obnoxious gits who appeared out of a hotel in my street.
They were obviously up for a serious weekend on the piss as it was 6pm and they already looked very much the worse for wear.
I noticed them being fairly disgusting and lewd with passing females.
I then walked past them but was winded when a large heavy,full binbag slammed into my back.
I turned round and glared at them, but they were operating a "look away and pretend it wasn't anything to do with us" policy.
My immediate instinct was to punch one of them, but bearing in mind that they were 6 pissed up, aggressive guys...I would likely have been kicked to death and been left lying on the pavement.
I said nothing and walked away but I was seething.
What I needed was a little pixie to appear and grant me a wish or something like that.
I would have said "I wish I had the martial art skills of the late, great Bruce Lee for 15 minutes duration please"...
I would then make some high-pitched whooping noises and obliterate the evil horde in a flurry of flying kicks and punches...
If only life afforded us these opportunities, the world would be a much better place...

Thursday, April 20, 2006

20/04/06 Education Education Education



I've decided to try and learn more new things.
This week I have learnt by heart the police alphabet ; that's all that alpha,bravo,charlie,delta etc etc thing.
Quite useful when you're spelling things to people on the phone (well, that's the whole point of it I suppose...!)
So from now on my name is Juliet India Mike Polo Alpha Romeo Kilo.
Interestingly, I used to think that "Juliet Bravo" was the name of the female policewoman character in the BBC TV series of that name.
What a silly Charlie Uniform November Tango I was in these days.
As expected Nigel Bond comfortably beat Stephen Hendry and I win £100.
It may have gone to a re-spotted black in the 19th frame of the best-of-19 match, but I was never really in doubt that Nigel would do the business.
I was relaxed and confident at all times, and even when Nigel potted the black to win the match but put the white in at the same time to force a re-spot, nothing could shake my sunny demeanor.
Not stressful at all.
Come on Ronnie...! Win the title then we can all go home.
I just hope that Ronnie gets a chance to win the championship and I get my cash before George Bush hits Iran with a "tactical" nuclear strike.
It's all getting a bit scary.
I used to think that my generation had a pretty bum deal in terms of things to worry about.
We had mass unemployment, the Cold War and AIDS to be concerned about.
In fact 20 years ago, it was predicted that Edinburgh would be in the grip of a disastrous epidemic of AIDS. Thankfully it hasn't happened.
It was scary though at the time...We had to contend with less than cheery thoughts as experts told us that any time you previously had unprotected sex with someone , you were effectively having sex with every one they'd ever previously had unprotected sex with, as well as with everyone they'd previously ever had unprotected sex with etc etc
It wasn't really regarded as irresponsible to have unprotected sex in these days if the female was on the pill.
Can you imagine the paranoia this type of talk created?
Anyway, after the Cold War finished and unemployment eased, I thought things would be looking up...
Now we've got the "War on Terror", Global Warming and talk of nuclear strikes....
But hey, my rhubarb plants are doing really well, and it looks like 2006 will be a bumper crop...so it's not ALL bad...

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

18/04/06 Moron Of The Year




I think this award should go to the guy in the audience at The Stand last night who was helping out the very funny comedy/magician Steven Dick with a trick.
It was the old write-your-name-on-a-tenner and give it to me; I'll then fold it up and I'll give you a kiwi fruit as a fair swap.
Then at the end of the show, the audience member is invited onto the stage.
He gives Steven back the kiwi fruit, then Steven cuts the fruit open and miraculously the tenner (with the written name) is inside the fruit.
Now I don't know exactly how this impressive trick is done ; but what is obvious to a keen amateur magician is that the kiwi fruit is switched at the last moment.
In this instance, the moron bit the kiwi fruit in half before giving it back to Mr Dick...
And he looked SO fooking pleased with himself....
In spite of this I had a pretty good gig at the show, and I think am beginning to get back in my stride after a long layoff.
I got a bit mental at one point though and had a slight saliva projectile problem,
(I did take the time to apologise to the front row though...can't say fairer than that really)
I was going to go to Meadowbank Sports Centre on Monday for a bit of a workout but found that the centre was closed.
I always find it a bit odd that "Leisure Centres" are always closed on days when people have a large amount of leisure time available to indulge in.
It's like going to a restaurant and seeing a sign saying "Closed For Lunch".
Gambling has been getting a bit of a bad press recently, what with Wayne Rooney and his £700 000 alleged debt and all that...
So it's probably a good time for me to introduce my "Jim - What a Punt!" current betting tips...
I've not been doing much lately, but I figure if I document the bets on the Blog, there's less chance of me making totally idiotic bets and geting all Rooney-ish in my gambling success....
Anyway, here's todays bets ;
£100 on Nigel Bond to beat Stephen Hendry (placed with Bond 6-3 in the lead) EVEN money
£100 on Ronnie O'Sullivan to win the title 2/1 against
I figure Ronnie could win the title with a cue stuck up his arse as long as he keeps his head together...
My UK Coal shares are doing well, (coal is going to have a comeback, people don't want nuclear, but they also don't want the whole country covered in wind farms either) but this just balances out a stock meltdown with NHS IT suppliers Isoft last week.

Monday, April 17, 2006

17/04/06 End of Lent




The 40 weekdays from Ash Wednesday until Easter is traditionally observed by Christians as a season of fasting and penitence in preparation for Easter. Generally, people use this time to give up things like alcohol and chocolate.
My personal interpretation of this ritual has been somewhat unconventional.
Rather than abstain from something I enjoy, I've used the past 40 days to indulge in a tribute to one of my favourite actors, Robert De Niro.
As an act of appreciation of his unique talent, I have painstakingly recreated his preparation for his role of the older, fatter Jake La Motta in his acclaimed film "Raging Bull", in which he intentionally gained 50 lbs over a short period of time, mainly by eating bathtubs full of pasta.
My technique has involved drinking copious quantities of wine and eating out at every available opportunity, consequently piling on the weight needed to produce an accurate personification of Jake's tragic physical decline.
This has been made easier to achieve due to my kitchen being a bomb site for the past 5 weeks...but that's another story.
But now Lent is over and it is time to once again become a honed athlete.
I haven't had a game of football for more than 2 months....
I intend playing tonight. This should be interesting...
I always console myself with the knowledge that "form is temporary, class is permanent" in light of any unflattering remarks which may or may not be made about my physical condition.
I haven't smoked for 3 months...so that's a positive....
The "no smoking" regime definitely does set your appetite into overdrive though.
Now that Lent is over, I'm about to begin a tribute to the acclaimed Scottish actor Ewan MacGregor.
I'm going to recreate the drastic weight loss he underwent as preparation for his role in the ok-but-to-be-honest-horribly-overrated film of Irvine Welsh's epic book of the same name, "Trainspotting".
He was told to lose a lot of weight to more accurately portray the amaciated look of your common or garden heroin addict.
If the shops are open today, I may nick down to Princes Street and do a spot of deliberately clumsy shoplifting and encourage the security guards to chase me along Princes St to the backing of Iggy Pop's "Lust for Life".
That should get the ball rolling and get rid of a few pounds...
My lawyer should be able to dissuade the judge from issuing a custodial sentence on the basis that I'm just trying to get healthier and be less of a burden on the welfare state in my dotage.
I'll mention cryptically in my plea of mitigation that I "chose not to choose life...I chose something else!".
I'm not going to get addicted to heroin though during this process.
I'm not that stupid.
I'm already trying to cope with a chronic addiction to balsamic vinegar flavoured kettle crisps.
That's worse than heroin addiction anyway...and there's no "kettle crisps" chic glamour angle whereby you could have a film made about you and possibly make some money out of your addiction misery.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

16/04/06 Easter Thoughts



So what has all this got to do with me anyway?






It's got a little warmer.
I have become rather irritated with the cold weather of late. Enough is enough.
I've had a couple of gigs at The Stand recently. They went quite well I thought...
Well better than my last few gigs before Xmas in which, to quote Bernard Manning, I was "about as funny as a fire in an orphanage".
I was being experimental you see...
Anyway, hopefully I didn't do too much damage to my comedy "career".
I also currently have a letter in the current edition of The List in which I drone on about issues relating to buying traditional tenement property in Edinburgh.
I come across as a pompous git...(not that there's anything wrong with that).
I've just spent a day out at Mitch and Jo's country retreat.
Very pleasant indeed, although far too idyllic really for my taste.
I mean, come on...a nice house in the country, lovely family, able to work at home...?
There's just not enough angst there for my liking...
I was relieved to be given a single finger salute by a grumpy driver on my way back into Edinburgh for hooting at him as he idiotically pulled out in front of me.
Now, that's the real world...! Wonderfully reassuring...
I have also been having a chuckle at a news story involving the Chief Inspector of Tayside Police making a speech to a dinner of top Scottish Legal representatives.
He inadvisedly told a joke which involved some Al Quaeda men discussing the careers of their suicide bomber sons.
The punchline was "Kids just blow up so quickly these days...!".
Apparently, the joke was met with total silence...
It's not a bad joke actually, but it just demonstrates the perils of throwing in a bit of inappropriate humour into formal occasions.
I remember making a joke at a job interview for Stirling Council in which the interview was held in a building which was a reconverted prison.
I made a quip like "Ah, so this was the old prison? I knew I'd been here before!" to the interview panel. I didn't get a laugh, let alone a smile...and I didn't get the job either...! Mind you that was probably a good thing.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

09/04/06 News round-up



Pete Swanson's "disguise" isn't fooling anyone...
The damning evidence is here...Pete's campaign to quit the fags is over for the time being...
Shares in "British & American Tobacco PLC" have soared...

Last Friday was a very special day for me as I finally worked out the rules of "Deal Or No Deal"...! Hooray!
I'd caught many, many snippets of Noel Edmond's monster hit gameshow, but could never quite work out the rules and strategy of what was going on.
I didn't want to ask anyone, as I was determined to work it out myself, (I'd never managed to see the start of the show where the rules were probably explained).

Anyway, I know now, and to say I'm shocked and stunned is something of an understatement.
What with all the extended agonising by the contestants over their "Deal or No Deal" decisions, I envisaged a complex chess-like strategy of rules and options to consider....
Hah! It turns out they're just choosing fucking random boxes from start to finish but making the odd probability decision now and again.
I feel duped!
It still is strangely compelling viewing though.
I'll give you that...I'll give you that, sunshine...

Sunday, April 02, 2006

02/04/06 Scottish Athletes



Whilst Scottish swimmers, cyclists and bowlers did very well at the Commonwealth Games, our athletes were overwhelmingly rubbish.
I read a shocking article in the newspaper last week in which it was intimated that the Scottish runners in the 1970 Commonwealth Games (held in Edinburgh) would beat the current Scottish team.
That's unbelievable. A lot of that squad must be well over 60 by now!
Surely there has to be an independent inquiry into how things got to this sorry state of affairs.
Too much time playing computer games, listening to pop music and smoking Class C drugs is obviously taking its toll amongst the nation's disaffected youth.
I was driving though town today listening to commentary of the Hearts v Hibs Scottish Cup semi-final.
Hearts took the lead in 28 minutes.
5 minutes later I was driving down Morrison Street and passed the trendy, exclusive nightspot "Diane's Pool Bar".
A police van drew up abruptly outside and 8 officers hurriedly piled into the bar.
Obviously the goal had sparked off a bout of silly behaviour amongst the watching fans...!
I suspect that it is going to be a tough day to be a policemen on duty in Edinburgh.
The match ended up in the nightmare scenario from a police point of view.
A draw would have seen the day pass off reasonably peacefully, and the replay would be in Edinburgh.
However, Hibs were humiliatingly cuffed 4-0 and had two players sent off.
I wouldn't like to be on the trains coming back from Glasgow after the game.
A compelling cocktail of pissed up triumphalism alongside pissed up wounded pride.
A recipe for disaster....!
It was a chronically stupid idea to play the match in Glasgow anyway.
Edinburgh will be like a bad day in Baghdad tonight methinks.
I watched the second half in Riery's Bar in Haymarket.
I'm loving this smoke free regime.
It really is nice to spend a bit of time in a bar without coming out stinking of fags.
I have to warn the public though that I will be forced to punch in the face the next person I hear saying, "What are they going to do next? Ban drinking in pubs?" (then laugh uproariously at their display of wit).
Just realise that you're about the millionth person this week in Scotland to have made this rather weak joke. Move on. Think of a new angle.
No, not the one about smelling peoples' farts and the pong of disinfectant! Something else...something new...
How about 50ft fags? Aw, that's been done already as well, hasn't it?