21/04/06 Comedian Idle

"So you call that stand-up routine "funny and orginal"???. Hah! Time for me to find a new nerve, I think!"


I booked myself in for an audition at "The Comedy Unit" in Glasgow.
It's Scotland's biggest independent production company, and they produce shows like "Chewin' The Fat", "Still Game", "Rab C Nesbitt", "Karen Dunbar Show" etc etc
It wasn't an audition for any specific show or anything. They just wanted to have a look at who is doing the rounds in Scottish comedy circles and keep a note of them on their database.
When I was called in, there were 3 people sitting behind a desk.
We had a convivial chinwag about who I was and what I did.
I'd also brought in some hopefully amusing extracts from my hilarious Blog for them to peruse.
I always find interview situations with more than one interviewer slightly unnerving.
I'm fine on a 1-to-1 basis, but get a bit jumpy with the "panel" experience.
I was then asked to do a 5 minute spot of stand-up comedy in front of the panel.
It occurred to me at the time that this little scene could be part of somebody's anxiety nightmare. They're scheduled to have an extrememly important job interview the following morning when they suddenly wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat in absolute terror....
"You want me to do some stand-up comedy???? But I'm applying for the position of Quantity Surveyor??..."
Then the panel would say, "Yes, but it's an extension of isometric testing, and useful to see how you cope under the intense pressure of performing a funny and hopefully, original, comedy routine in front of the nation's leading power brokers of comedic product on TV"...
Anyway, I did a 5 minute spot...
I initially remarked that the set up reminded me of the last scene in the film "Flashdance" in which Jennifer Beal and her body double put on an acrobatic display of dance to a panel, of whom at least one is smoking a cigar.
Due to the smoking ban legislation, the cigar option was not possible in this scenario.
I think my delivery was a little on the quick side and I may have strayed into gibberish mode occasionally...
But my gibberish mode often gets bigger laughs than my more poised delivery, so this may not have been a bad thing.
It was filmed for posterity.
Perhaps it will be used as a clip on the acclaimed TV series "Before They Were Famous" and will be introduced sarcastically by Angus Deayton...with some reference about someone accidentally putting 5 grams of cocaine in my cheese sandwich which I ate before the audition.
I got a few laughs but it was all a bit of a blur. My recollection of my performance is a bit hazy...
It was a fun experience though and these Comedy Unit people were all very nice and friendly, as well as being stunningly charismatic and sexually attractive individuals, who I would explicity trust in terms of identifying and recruiting new talent looking for their big break in comedy land.
After the audition I went for a walk round Springburn Park. This was my main childhood haunt when I was a wee boy in Glasgow.
I hadn't been there for donkey's years, and have to say I found being there again overpoweringly emotional.
The park is looking good though.
It was neglected for years but it seems they are taking steps to return it to its former glory.
Back in Edinburgh, I had a bit of a contretemp with some obnoxious gits who appeared out of a hotel in my street.
They were obviously up for a serious weekend on the piss as it was 6pm and they already looked very much the worse for wear.
I noticed them being fairly disgusting and lewd with passing females.
I then walked past them but was winded when a large heavy,full binbag slammed into my back.
I turned round and glared at them, but they were operating a "look away and pretend it wasn't anything to do with us" policy.
My immediate instinct was to punch one of them, but bearing in mind that they were 6 pissed up, aggressive guys...I would likely have been kicked to death and been left lying on the pavement.
I said nothing and walked away but I was seething.
What I needed was a little pixie to appear and grant me a wish or something like that.
I would have said "I wish I had the martial art skills of the late, great Bruce Lee for 15 minutes duration please"...
I would then make some high-pitched whooping noises and obliterate the evil horde in a flurry of flying kicks and punches...
If only life afforded us these opportunities, the world would be a much better place...