Thursday, October 26, 2006

26/10/2006 Si Si San Miguel



I'm heading off to Spain this weekend...
I'll be working for a few days speaking English to Spanish business types who are doing an intensive English conversation course...and we're all staying at a very plush hotel...should be interesting...
I'll be doing some stand-up as well...
I had a gig last night at the Holyrood Tavern in Edinburgh.
I tried out some new stuff including the "Al Qaeda Edinburgh Fireworks Concert" and the "Why? Card" thing...
I was very encouraged with the response that the new bits received.
I hadn't really prepared the format of what I was going to say at all and just winged it...Good though....
It was an interesting night out...
Jim Hobbit, with his rubber guitar and kazoo, not only did his own act but did a memorable double act with the legendary Mac Star...
It was all very surreal and for a moment I felt as if I was watching a new avant garde production of "Waiting For Godot"...
A great night..and I wish Mr James Blood every success in his new venture...
Scandalously, James' fantastic "Choroform" gag didn't get a big laugh last night...I love it!
Conversation amongst my aquaintances has been dominated over the past couple of days by Dave Reilly's bombshell that in 19 years of living in a house on Corstorphine Hill, he has never walked to and back from the shops before (until this week)
It's the talk of the steamie...!!
So how does he keep so fit, and at the same time be so catastrophically lazy?
It is a true miracle of the modern world...!!!

Saturday, October 21, 2006

21/10/06 Do The Toilet










I was thinking that the "Doing The Toilet" could become a new dance craze in Scotland.
We haven't had a new dance craze for ages.
They used to come along every couple of years or so...eg The Locomotion, Black Lace with their classic Birdy Song and Superman hits, the "Whoops Upside your head" everyone-sitting-down-in-a-boat-thing, Whigfield "Saturday Night", the "oooohhh Makarena" one or whatever it was called with the 85 year old Spanish Men folding their arms and stuff, and of course "The Timewarp".....
Where's the new one?
It's here! It's time to "do the toilet".
I haven't finished the choreography yet, but I'd imagine it'll involve squatting, girning and pulling imaginary lavvy chains to a 4/4 beat.

On a worrying note, I seem to be turning into Sir Dickie attenborough at a BAFTA Awards Ceremony.
Watching "Holby City" last week reduced "Iron Man" Jim to tears. "Holby Bleeding City" of all things.
I'm not a soap watcher, but was forced to watch it last week when I was down visiting my illustrious brother Gavin in Manchester.
I just switched on the telly one night this week in my flat and it was on...and I felt compelled to watch it. It's like heroin...(I imagine)
Anyway, the plot thread that got me going involved the character Gina heading off to Switzerland to arrange an assisted suicide, (she was suffering from some terminal, degenerative disease)
Considering, it was on before 9pm, it was a very, dark edgy storyline.
I thought they did it very well though, and when the end came it would have brought a tear to a glass eye.
I've shelved my plans to buy the "Lassie Come Home" DVD box set, as I don't think I could really cope.

On a lighter note, I've noticed that whenever there is a particularly tragic accident or murder, flowers are often left with a card saying nothing other than "Why?".
I see a gap in the market here.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to produce greetings cards with just "Why?" written on the front which could be used for such occasions.
As well as using them for the obvious tragic bereavement circumstances, there could be other occasions where such a card is appropriate.
You could send them to a friend after they have just announced plans to marry a most inappropriate partner?
Also, you may know somebody who has just obtained a job working for an Insurance Company?
In addition, it might be a good idea to produce some "Why?" business cards to carry around with you.
You might want to give a card to a comedian who has just performed a very poor set on stage?
You might see someone coming out of a hairdresser with a really bad haircut?
(I actually saw a man wearing beige dungarees in a pub last night, and I wouldn't have hesitated passing him a card)
I would give a card to Jonathon Ross.
I would also like to give Penelope Cruz one.
I didn't think her acting in "Volver" was quite up to her usual standard.
I loved the Madonna joke on HIGNFY...
Madonna is a typical British mother...
She lives on a big estate, has 3 kids by 3 different fathers, and wears a track suit all day...
Class...!

Friday, October 20, 2006

20/10/06 The Citrus Club



Exhibit A.





Living in Haymarket is quite good really. You're pretty much slap bang in the centre of town, but the area itself is generally quiet, and free from shouty drunks on their way home late at night...(unless it's me).
Only problem is that the shops in my general locale are fairly crap, and over-priced.
Things came to a head yesterday as I jogged down the road to buy a single lemon.
This cost me 40p....yes...40p...!! that's 8 shillings in old money...that's more than the cost of a dog license (if they still existed)...40p for ONE lemon...!!!
That's it...I've decided a boycott is now in force...40p for a lemon!!!...and a pretty old, dried-up one as well...40p!!! 40p!!!! I ask you!!
It's all a bit confusing.
I like to support small, local shops in order to give them a chance against the Evil Empire of Supermarkets...However, they lose my sympathy when they do things like charging 40p FOR A SINGLE LEMON. (did I mention that already?)
Last night I was kindly offered a free ticket to accompany Grahame, the self-styled "Charlie Cairoli" of the Edinburgh Samba School, to go and see "Sparklehorse" at the Liquid Rooms.
(It would have been a better link if they had been performing at "The Citrus Club" in Grindlay Street, but sometimes things just don't work out as perfectly as that).
With my finger now approximately 77 000 light years away from "the pulse", it was no surprise to anyone that I'd never heard of them before.
I did enjoy the gig, although I found the music somewhat derivative.
It reminded me in turns of both early Alice Cooper and Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon".
It was a very polite, well-mannered audience for a "rock show" (if that is the correct term).
There wasn't much inter-song banter, and there was almost a polite silence while the band readied themselves to play the next piece.
Although one person in the audience shouted out "You're a Genius!" at one point.
(not to me, to the lead singer of the band)
Before the gig started, I succumbed to some weird allergic reaction.
My eyes were watering, I had snotters blinding me and I couldn't stop sneezing.
I reckoned it was somebody's fancy aftershave that was causing the problem.
Eau du CS Gas or something like that...
Grahame, the self-styled "Charlie Cairoli" of the Edinburgh Samba School, found it all very amusing...
I met Pete Beckley's sister and friend, although a combination of copious quantities of beer and flashing lights prevented me from initially recognising them.
I also met Alan Brodie, the self-styled "Ginger Gent" of 5-a-side football, and his partner.
He informed me that Rangers were beating the crack Italian side Livorno 3-1 "and it wasn't even half-time yet"...
Again, I experienced a mixture of emotions...particularly as I'd bet on Livorno to win...!
(I am having a spectacularly bad run at the moment in my punting, and may be buying some quality rope from B&Q soon if things don't improve)
After the gig, myself and Grahame, the self-styled "Charlie Cairoli" of the Edinburgh Samba School, had another couple of pints at The Jolly Judge, listening to a rather weak guitar/banjo singer/entertainer.
I then spilt a pint on my lap and had to walk home giving passers-by the impression that I had done the toilet in my trousers, so to speak...
But all in all, a tip top evening...

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

16/10/06 Saturday Night TV



off you jolly well go....!


I was feeling a bit poorly on Saturday and as a result was confined to barracks for the evening, forcing me to rely on Saturday night television for entertainment.
It was very dire....
I always thought that in the beginning, when God created telelvision, he saidst "and Lo, thou shalt put your bestest programmes on air on Saturday nights becauseth the people are enjoying the weekend and wish the finest in entertainment to be brought to their abodes...!"
This is no longer the case...
It's hard to imagine that where once we had "Dr Findlay's Casebook" and "The Rolf Harris Show" on BBC on the SAME night..., we now have things like "Casualty" (Here's two characters who are currently experiencing conflict in their relationship! See how they manage to resolve their difficulties and start afresh after one of them has both legs blown off in a freak camping accident. Repeat x 25 for the rest of the series.) and "X-Factor".
I just saw the end bit of X-Factor.
I saw Lionel Ritchie perform.
The skin on his face was stretched tighter than a timpani drum. and I winced every time he opened his mouth, worrying that he would generate too much tension on his face causing it to fly off and land on Simon Cowell's lap....
(although that would have made good television)
Anyway, it was now the end...and the tension was cranked up as the blonde lady came forth to announce the results.
Even though I hadn't seen any of the performers actually perform, I found the flashing lights and music had got me excitedly waiting to hear the results.
But then I found out that out of 12 performers ONLY 11 would qualify to the next stage..! WHAT???
As each successful act greeted the news as though they had just won a National Lottery triple rollover, I came close to putting my foot through the TV screen.
The last 2 had a sing-off thing...and out went "The Unconventionals"...a group of older individuals who proceeded to murder "Dancing In The Streets".
I don't think I ever want to hear that song again as I will be thinking of their version.
They were obviously too hyped up and adrenaline-fuelled, and decided to give a BIG performance.
However, it was just (out of tune) shouting...
This cast my mind back to Joh Eglin's wedding in London, when myself and other Scottish males decided to give the reception audience a rendition of the classic song "Wild Mountain Thyme".
The problem was that with the alcohol and adrenaline, what should have been a gentle, haunting melodic song turned into about 12 Scottish men shouting at the top of their voices, more fitting to a rendition of "Roll Out The Barrel".
Greg Mitchell and Mark Dance probably did the most convincing impersonations of Industrial Foghorns...
But hey, the audience still enjoyed it....
I don't wish to appear critical.

Monday, October 16, 2006

16/10/06 Blood Simple

In my capacity as Acting-President of the "People With A Little Too Much Time On Their Hands Society", today I did a Google Image search using "Jim Park" and have included in my Blog a selection of other Jim Parks for your delight....
It is immediately clear that they are by no means all cnuts, and represent a good cross section of decency and charisma on the planet...








I gave blood today for the first time in a while...
I'd been rejected the last 2 times because my iron was too low...!
I started taking this iron supplement Floradix recently and it seems to have done the trick...
I passed the Iron test with flying colours and was invited backstage to donate a pint of my quality stock.
It's really good this Floradix.
I played a game of football shortly after I began taking it and I flew around the football pitch as if I had a rocket up my arse...
I had loads more energy than usual....
It makes me wonder...if topping up the Iron levels made that much difference, then maybe I might need to top up other things....
But how do you know that you're deficient in something?
If I hadn't been told by the blood people that my Iron was low, I wouldn't be any the wiser...!
It wasn't dangerously low...just a little bit below their guideline limit...
When I came out the lady asked my if I wanted a drink...
I said I'd like a cup of tea....
I was then told that because I hadn't given blood for 2 years that I would have to have an orange juice instead...
I then got a bit stroppy and explained that I had actually tried unsuccessfully to give blood twice in the last year..(I really wanted that cup of tea)
Eventually she exclaimed that I wasn't allowed tea just because it had been 2 years since I gave blood and the hot drink might make me feel giddy...
I wasn't actually being punished at all...
The other people in the drinks area had a good chuckle at my indignant twat peformance piece...
I'd obviously had a flashback to my first "proper" job.
It was in an office, and at tea time, people above a ceratin grade were also entitled to a chocolate biscuit from the tea lady...
It was an outrage, and caused me to simmer with resentment...
I could have gone and bought myself a biscuit, but it just wouldn't have tasted the same...

Saturday, October 14, 2006

13/10/06 Soap of the Day



Ok forget "Eastenders", "Coronation Street", "Emmerdale" etc etc...
The most compelling soap drama in town these days is the England Football Team. It's a fantastic spectacle.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a sad little parochial-minded anti-English Scottish person. It's just a great story to follow...
To be honest, I would be quite happy to see England realise the sum of their parts and succeed in world football.
Their long suffering fans deserve it.
I know England fans still get a pretty bad press, but they're mostly decent people.
I was in Amsterdam during Euro 2000 and went to see Spain vs Slovenia.
What struck me at the time was the thousands of English neutral fans who had travelled just to see a game.
A lot of them spoke of their regret that they felt uncomfortable going to support England at their games due to all the baggage that surrounds English supporters.
I felt sorry for them, but was impressed at the fact they had all travelled there just through a general love of football, and a wish to see a piece of Euro 2000 in a relaxed, friendly environment.
But anyway, as I suspected, the FA look to have made a complete arse of appointing Sven's successor.
McLaren doesn't convince at all, and his club record is at best, mediocre...
And he brings back Terry Venables, who has dined out on his Euro 96 campaign even though England only really played well in one game (against Holland)...
I suspect the 3-5-2 formation was largely Terry's big idea...!
They must realise now that Martin O'Neill was the one that got away ; particularly since he's made such a confident start at turning things around at Aston Villa.
I expect that his candidature was damaged by having worked in Scotland for a few years. The Scottish League is dismissed as a mickey mouse irrelevance by the powers that be down South (with some justification)...
However, his previous achievements in England and his European success at Celtic in the Champions League and UEFA Cup should have counted for more...
But it's too late now...!
Anyway, I was watching England v Croatia in a pub in Manchester.
I had tremendous difficulty keeping a straight face when the goalkeeper had his by now famous mishap.
I was reminded of the scene from "Life of Brian" when Michael Palin's Roman character discusses the imminent arrival of his friend "Biggus Dickus".
This causes a prolonged, agonising suppression of laughter by the Roman guards.
That was me that was.
I couldn't believe that the press slaughtered the goalkeeper the next day for his "blunder".
There is no reason to be found in the coverage of football down there...It is completely hysterical and over-the-top.
Anyway, after the game, an English supporter bared his member in the general direction of Wayne Rooney, and shouted that he wished to urinate on the aforementioned out-of-form England striker.
Rooney then gave hima V sign, and is now in trouble...!
The next morning I woke up to hear a series of radio callers demand the return of David Beckham to the team.
Yes, that's right, the same Mr Beckham who had his last decent game for England in 2001 against Greece, and who can't currently get into the Real Madrid starting line-up...
Madness...!
Then Max Clifford appeared talking on behalf of Steve McLaren...
Max Clifford? The same chap who represented Faria Alam when the scandal broke about her having concurrent affairs with FA personnel?
Yes, indeed...I expect that the FA must have been delighted to see him getting involved...!
But now he's resigned from his position, and I heard him say on the radio last night that Steve McLaren "is not the man that I thought he was"...
A very weird and undoubtedly, ultimately damaging remark...
I'm intrigued to watch the next chapter of this extraordinary real life drama...
It's a pity there is 5 months before the next Euro 2008 qualifier...! Darn...!
Although, we do have the Wembley construction saga to keep us interested in the meantime...
Jeez, sorry this blog has had too much football in it of late...
I'll stop now...

Monday, October 09, 2006

09/10/06 Zut Alors!




Napoleon Bonaparte...Jaques Cousteau...Toulouse Lautrec...Sacha Distel...Rene Descartes...Michel Platini...Jean-Paul Sartre...Eric Cantona...William The Conqueror...Victor Hugo...Marie-Odile Barbeaux...Jaques Tati...Johnny Halliday...Joan of Arc...Charles Aznavour...Cyrano de Bergerac...Charles De Gaulle...!

...your boys took one HELL of a BEATING!!!!!!!!...