13/07/05 With Snail Was I

I woke up today to see a snail on my ceiling. This isn't something you see every day. In fact I've never ever seen this phenomenum before. It's a first.
The day before I'd been transporting bags of garden refuse through the flat to take to the dump, (to be recycled I hasten to add...I'm green and all that).
I can only assume that I unwittingly dropped off the snail in my flat and it decided to go walkabout up the wall.
I removed it from the ceiling and lobbed it up the garden.
I later wondered whether there might be some symbolism attached to seeing a snail on your ceiling. I decided to go to the National Library to research the issue, and check if the appearance of the snail was some strange kind of metaphor.
You can't interpret these events too literally. Of course everyone knows that with Tarot cards, the "Death" card doesn't necessarily mean you're going to die. It can symbolise the end of an element of your life, such as a change of job, relationship etc
However, I was surprised to discover that my snail vision meant, according to ancient interpretation of pagan ritual, that a giant snail was likely to disrupt my act at The Stand comedy club during the upcoming "Festival of Jim".
This was very unsettling news which could destabilise my performance. I'm going to have to consider bringing a large container of Saxa salt to all my gigs to attempt to ward off this malign intrusion.
I played golf yesterday with Bill "Top Man" Wilson. It was a lovely evening bla bla just playing golf was a joy in itself bla bla bla seemed unimportant who won bla bla bla but it was me I won bla bla bla 6 and 4 bla bla bla
(assuming Darth Vadar voice) ; Is there NO-ONE in the entire GALAXY who can threaten my POWER and AUTHORITY on the Golf Course???