Tuesday, June 28, 2005

27/06/05 How To Succeed In Comedy

I've often thought that it would be a really good idea to come to a secret arrangement with an unemployed Samurai warrior, whereby at the end of my stand-up routine, he would burst into the club and commence randomly slashing at members of the audience with his scarily sharp sword for 2-3 minutes before leaving the resulting carnage and disappearing into the void.
It's fair to say that this would represent an extremely unorthodox ending to an act.
However, my gamble would be, that this crime would achieve such notoriety that it would be a frontrunner to undergo a dramatic re-enactment on BBC's "Crimewatch UK" programme.
This would obviously be dependent upon the crazed swordsman still being at large.
To facilitate this, I would have cultivated an extensive array of contacts and safe houses for the mad psycho killer beforehand, thus ensuing that there is no immediate arrest in this baffling case of random mass murder.
To set the scene in the re-enactment, obviously the BBC would ask me to perform the last couple of minutes of my set. In this way I am granted invaluable TV exposure.
Nick Ross would do a sombre voiceover.
"Ironically, moments before the tragic events, the audience were helpless with laughter as they enjoyed the performance of local comedian, Jim Park..."
I know this is a very extreme measure to take just to secure some TV airtime, but it's such a highly competitive environment out there in comedy land that the end justifies the means.
Furthermore, in true "Goodfellas" style, I would have to arrange for my Samurai business partner to be "whacked" to ensure that details of our evil arrangement are not inadvertently leaked to all and sundry.
I'll also have to arrange gangland hits of everyone who reads this Blog, as I've obviously given out too much sensitive information here which might prejudice my liberty or jeopardise the broadcast of my new show on Channel 4.

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