I was delighted to see Hearts hold Celtic to a draw on Saturday.
Previous Hearts teams would have choked at this stern test of their mettle. However, this lot seem to have an impressive inner steel about them which suggests they could be genuine title contenders.
In the old days Henry Smith in goals would have dropped a few clangers and the team would have behaved like rabbits caught in the redoubtable headlights.
Jamie Frain's thousands of pounds winnings are looking a distinct possibility.
I would have thought that a good idea for him to spend the money would be to book Murrayfield Stadium for the day and put on a big rock concert starring "The Capital Models" supported by (obviously), "The Pure Bears".
I would have to insist that I drummed for the Models rather than Keith Apter, as it was MY idea, and it would seem churlish to exclude me, even allowing for the fact that Keith is a much better drummer than me. That is irrelevant. And besides, I could help Jamie with his legendarily hilarious inter-song banter, although obviously he'd get all the funny lines, and I would just be his feed.
Perhaps Dave could get the "British Beef Foundation" to sponsor the event, and my bass drum could be made to look like a giant beefburger?
Gus could take the opportunity to "mince" around with his electric guitar, and we could run through the old set, including ;
"No Hamburgers In This House"
"Stun Gun Operator"
"Breaking Necks"
"Wall To Wall Offal (Can't Be That Offal really?)"
I think I've gotten a little too parochial here...
oh well, never mind, it made me laugh... :-)
Monday, October 17, 2005
15/10/05 Tyred Out
I had to make the "Walk of Shame" to the bike shop today.
I tried and tried and tried and tried, but I just could not get the fucking new tyre onto my wheel.
So I had to go and ask the man to do it for me...
In fairness he did say it was a tricky one and he had to use his special tool thing to do it..but nevertheless, my masculinity was cruelly undermined.
As he handed me the pink frock and skipping rope, I was crestfallen.
I put the dress on and skipped out the shop with all the dignity I could muster.
He didn't charge me anything, but I felt obliged to buy something and took the opportunity to purchase a rather smart reflective, waistcoat-type thing, as we ready ourselves to be plunged into perpetual darkness when the dreaded "putting the clocks back" event occurs...a week on Sunday I believe? hideous...I hate when that happens...
In my ideal lifestyle, I would choose that moment to travel to my luxury villa in Barbados to spend the duration of the British winter in more convivial surroundings.
I tried and tried and tried and tried, but I just could not get the fucking new tyre onto my wheel.
So I had to go and ask the man to do it for me...
In fairness he did say it was a tricky one and he had to use his special tool thing to do it..but nevertheless, my masculinity was cruelly undermined.
As he handed me the pink frock and skipping rope, I was crestfallen.
I put the dress on and skipped out the shop with all the dignity I could muster.
He didn't charge me anything, but I felt obliged to buy something and took the opportunity to purchase a rather smart reflective, waistcoat-type thing, as we ready ourselves to be plunged into perpetual darkness when the dreaded "putting the clocks back" event occurs...a week on Sunday I believe? hideous...I hate when that happens...
In my ideal lifestyle, I would choose that moment to travel to my luxury villa in Barbados to spend the duration of the British winter in more convivial surroundings.
14/10/05 Meat Me In St Louis
"A pointless, unfunny pun a day keeps the doctor away", as my late Auntie Trixie was wont to say...
I heard the stunning news today that Dave Reilly has sensationally remounced 16 years of vegetarianism, and has re-embraced the carnivore lifestyle.
Alf Hardcastle, President of the "British Beef Foundation" is quoted as saying,
"This is the biggest boost the meat industry has had in the past 30 years!"...
Industry sources believe that after the ravages of Foot and Mouth, BSE and Dave Reilly giving up meat in 1989, their profitability will now soar.
Plans are already afoot to open a massive new Stakis Steakhouse in Corstorphine to cope with the anticipated increase in demand.
Slaughterhouses are gearing themselves up for a surge in demand equivalent to pre-Xmas turkey sales.
"David Bann's Vegetarian Restaurant" is rumoured to be considering opening a humane in-house organic slaughter chamber for unwell animals, in a desperate attempt to reduce predicted losses.
I heard the stunning news today that Dave Reilly has sensationally remounced 16 years of vegetarianism, and has re-embraced the carnivore lifestyle.
Alf Hardcastle, President of the "British Beef Foundation" is quoted as saying,
"This is the biggest boost the meat industry has had in the past 30 years!"...
Industry sources believe that after the ravages of Foot and Mouth, BSE and Dave Reilly giving up meat in 1989, their profitability will now soar.
Plans are already afoot to open a massive new Stakis Steakhouse in Corstorphine to cope with the anticipated increase in demand.
Slaughterhouses are gearing themselves up for a surge in demand equivalent to pre-Xmas turkey sales.
"David Bann's Vegetarian Restaurant" is rumoured to be considering opening a humane in-house organic slaughter chamber for unwell animals, in a desperate attempt to reduce predicted losses.
13/10/05 Y Viva Espana!
I am under the cosh somewhat at work at the moment.
A whole "bunch of things" that I haven't even started worked on yet are required yesterday.
I've noticed that "bunch of things" is an oft used phrase by our American cousins to describe having several items to contend with in a given situation.
We just tend to use bunch as a collective noun for bananas, or when we want people to move closer together and tell them to "bunch up".
I would normally say I have "a shit load" of things to do. This does lack charm and comes across slightly coarse I must confess.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I'm up to my eyes in shite.
The man from the agency took us out for lunch today.
We went to "Tapas Ole".
That has to be the worst, most unimaginative, tackiest name ever given to a restaurant with a Spanish theme specialising in the culinary theme of Tapas.
An equivalent Scottish restaurant in Spain would be "Och Aye The Stew", or something like that, or a bar called "Whisky Whisky!"
Anyway, in spite of the ridiculous name, the food was really, really nice and reasonable priced.
There are a couple of Tapas places in Edinburgh that serve horribly over-priced and poor quality fare, but this is definitely not one of them.
I won't identify the bad ones, as I don't want to be chased down Coates gardens by a Picador on a horse prodding me in the back with his big pointed stick, to pathetically weaken me, in order to make life a little less dangerous for the Matador when he turns up to finish me off.
I've seen it happen, believe me...
A whole "bunch of things" that I haven't even started worked on yet are required yesterday.
I've noticed that "bunch of things" is an oft used phrase by our American cousins to describe having several items to contend with in a given situation.
We just tend to use bunch as a collective noun for bananas, or when we want people to move closer together and tell them to "bunch up".
I would normally say I have "a shit load" of things to do. This does lack charm and comes across slightly coarse I must confess.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I'm up to my eyes in shite.
The man from the agency took us out for lunch today.
We went to "Tapas Ole".
That has to be the worst, most unimaginative, tackiest name ever given to a restaurant with a Spanish theme specialising in the culinary theme of Tapas.
An equivalent Scottish restaurant in Spain would be "Och Aye The Stew", or something like that, or a bar called "Whisky Whisky!"
Anyway, in spite of the ridiculous name, the food was really, really nice and reasonable priced.
There are a couple of Tapas places in Edinburgh that serve horribly over-priced and poor quality fare, but this is definitely not one of them.
I won't identify the bad ones, as I don't want to be chased down Coates gardens by a Picador on a horse prodding me in the back with his big pointed stick, to pathetically weaken me, in order to make life a little less dangerous for the Matador when he turns up to finish me off.
I've seen it happen, believe me...
12/10/05 "Jimmy Jimmy...ohhhhhh!"
I enjoyed listening to an ancient comedy show, "The Clitheroe Kid", on the stupendously good digital radio channel BBC7 at the weekend.
Jimmy Clitheroe, a person of restricted growth, played a schoolboy, even though he was latterly in his 50s and still donning the cap, (ie the schoolboy head attire, not the female contraceptive device).
He was probably the first "celebrity" I ever saw in real life.
He drove a car past me in Scarborough in the 60s when I was a small boy.
I was awestruck, dumbstruck, but thankfully not struck by the car, (that's a Jimmy Clitheroe tribute joke penned affectionately by me, to give you an inkling of the man's greatness).
My dad told me he had to have a special seat and high pedals fitted to his car as he was only 4ft 10" or something like that, and wouldn't have been able to see over the steering wheel in a normal car.
I was impressed.
I think we went to see him do a show at Scarborough Pier, and I can't remember much about it, but I'm sure he "stormed" it and "adjusted the roof" to describe the events in the modern parlance of stand-up comedy.
He died quite young, but his radio shows will live on forever.
I am assuming that I wasn't the only person in the UK actually listening to the show.
Surely not? There must be a legion of Clitheroe fans out there...
Without Jimmy Clitheroe, there certainly wouldn't have been a Jimmy Krankie, and what a chilling thought that is to ponder.
Sorry if I've upset anyone by even having the temerity to hypothesise on such a desperate ommission from the world of comedy.
Jimmy Clitheroe, a person of restricted growth, played a schoolboy, even though he was latterly in his 50s and still donning the cap, (ie the schoolboy head attire, not the female contraceptive device).
He was probably the first "celebrity" I ever saw in real life.
He drove a car past me in Scarborough in the 60s when I was a small boy.
I was awestruck, dumbstruck, but thankfully not struck by the car, (that's a Jimmy Clitheroe tribute joke penned affectionately by me, to give you an inkling of the man's greatness).
My dad told me he had to have a special seat and high pedals fitted to his car as he was only 4ft 10" or something like that, and wouldn't have been able to see over the steering wheel in a normal car.
I was impressed.
I think we went to see him do a show at Scarborough Pier, and I can't remember much about it, but I'm sure he "stormed" it and "adjusted the roof" to describe the events in the modern parlance of stand-up comedy.
He died quite young, but his radio shows will live on forever.
I am assuming that I wasn't the only person in the UK actually listening to the show.
Surely not? There must be a legion of Clitheroe fans out there...
Without Jimmy Clitheroe, there certainly wouldn't have been a Jimmy Krankie, and what a chilling thought that is to ponder.
Sorry if I've upset anyone by even having the temerity to hypothesise on such a desperate ommission from the world of comedy.
11/10/05 Charity Evening
The Scottish Mental Health Charity evening had the misfortune to be on the same evening as the most horrible weather we've had for a long time.
There was a monsoon going down ,and it never eased up all night.
I think this had something of a detrimental (boom boom) effect on the attendance, and it was a rather sparse gathering.
In spite of that, I really enjoyed the evening.
Nothing tastes sweeter than free beer, and I enjoyed all the acts that were on.
There seemed to be an unofficial competition going on, in terms of who could make the most inappropriate un-pc comments with tegards to the evening's theme.
Thankfully everyone took the gags in the spirit they were intended.
My "Ker Plunk" story with old ladies in wheelchairs got the best reaction from my act, resulting in the compere making a jokey disclaimer about the charity not officially endorsing this practice.
First on was a blind lady with her guide dog, and she was very funny. I loved the expression of the dog as it sat on the stage wondering what the hell was going on...
I really liked the organisers. They put a load of energy and enthusiasm into putting on the show, and it was a shame that they didn't get a bigger turnout.
Hopefully, they'll give it another go though.
There was a monsoon going down ,and it never eased up all night.
I think this had something of a detrimental (boom boom) effect on the attendance, and it was a rather sparse gathering.
In spite of that, I really enjoyed the evening.
Nothing tastes sweeter than free beer, and I enjoyed all the acts that were on.
There seemed to be an unofficial competition going on, in terms of who could make the most inappropriate un-pc comments with tegards to the evening's theme.
Thankfully everyone took the gags in the spirit they were intended.
My "Ker Plunk" story with old ladies in wheelchairs got the best reaction from my act, resulting in the compere making a jokey disclaimer about the charity not officially endorsing this practice.
First on was a blind lady with her guide dog, and she was very funny. I loved the expression of the dog as it sat on the stage wondering what the hell was going on...
I really liked the organisers. They put a load of energy and enthusiasm into putting on the show, and it was a shame that they didn't get a bigger turnout.
Hopefully, they'll give it another go though.
10/10/05 Hilarious!
What a laugh I had at work today!
I haven't laughed so much for ages. Even just thinking again about the sequence of events has my sides aching with laughter.
What happened was that a bloke sitting next to me at work answered his phone.
He just said "Bla bla, can I help you?", or words to that effect.
Then he said "Hello me!" in a bright jaunty manner.
"That was strange..." I thought to myself.
But then I realised what he'd done...!
The person on the other end must have been a close aquaintance of his and had opened the conversation by saying "Hello, it's me..." ; (obviously making the assumption that their voice would be instantly recognisable, precluding the need for a more formal introduction).
With supreme comic invention and all-round cleverness, my colleague had extrapolated from this exchange that the Christian name of the caller must be "Me", and proceeded to address the caller as such.
This is a great example of the internal logic of a funny routine.
I laughed and laughed and laughed.
You had to be there.
Really....
This is a classic example of the great British sense of humour, and illustrates perfectly how our comedic literacy is the envy of the world.
I haven't laughed so much for ages. Even just thinking again about the sequence of events has my sides aching with laughter.
What happened was that a bloke sitting next to me at work answered his phone.
He just said "Bla bla, can I help you?", or words to that effect.
Then he said "Hello me!" in a bright jaunty manner.
"That was strange..." I thought to myself.
But then I realised what he'd done...!
The person on the other end must have been a close aquaintance of his and had opened the conversation by saying "Hello, it's me..." ; (obviously making the assumption that their voice would be instantly recognisable, precluding the need for a more formal introduction).
With supreme comic invention and all-round cleverness, my colleague had extrapolated from this exchange that the Christian name of the caller must be "Me", and proceeded to address the caller as such.
This is a great example of the internal logic of a funny routine.
I laughed and laughed and laughed.
You had to be there.
Really....
This is a classic example of the great British sense of humour, and illustrates perfectly how our comedic literacy is the envy of the world.
Monday, October 10, 2005
09/10/05 AL Kennedy
I had a good gig at the Stand in Glasgow last night. It was packed out, which is quite unusual for a Sunday night. I tried a few new lines and they all went reasonably well for a first run out.
I was talking to another act, Alison Kennedy, who I thought looked very familar. I later realised that it was the well known author "AL Kennedy".
I didn't realise she did stand-up comedy.
She was pretty funny too. She was on straight after me.
A lot of her material was political in nature and it made a nice contrast to my stuff which is mainly idiotic with no message whatsover.
I have to admit that I've never actually read any of her books, but having talked to her I'm quite curious to find out what kind of stuff she produces.
I know she wrote the screenplay to a film called "Stella Does Tricks".
This film is best rmembered for loveable "Likely Lad" James Bolam's portrayal of a right nasty piece of work.
I've seen the film, but didn't think it was much cop.
Interestingly ace photo man and Stoke-Newington Pearly King, Robert Hind did the stills photos for that film.
Don't worry I'm not using this as a springboard to explore connections, and degrees of separation and all that stuff...
I was talking to another act, Alison Kennedy, who I thought looked very familar. I later realised that it was the well known author "AL Kennedy".
I didn't realise she did stand-up comedy.
She was pretty funny too. She was on straight after me.
A lot of her material was political in nature and it made a nice contrast to my stuff which is mainly idiotic with no message whatsover.
I have to admit that I've never actually read any of her books, but having talked to her I'm quite curious to find out what kind of stuff she produces.
I know she wrote the screenplay to a film called "Stella Does Tricks".
This film is best rmembered for loveable "Likely Lad" James Bolam's portrayal of a right nasty piece of work.
I've seen the film, but didn't think it was much cop.
Interestingly ace photo man and Stoke-Newington Pearly King, Robert Hind did the stills photos for that film.
Don't worry I'm not using this as a springboard to explore connections, and degrees of separation and all that stuff...
Sunday, October 09, 2005
07/10/05 Check The Chimney Stacks On That!
Wahey! My new chimney stacks are finished...!
They look fantastic, and well worth £20 000 of anybody's money!
In fact I think it was a real bargain for us. I mean it's not as if there's much else you can do with £20 000 these days, is there?
Might as well spend it on some flash new chimney stacks...that's what I say...
There have already been a succession of supermodels stopping me as I walk down Coates Gardens, and then exclaiming enthusiastically how impressed they are with my dazzling new chimney stacks.
It's just a pity that I'm not actually allowed to have a fire, and actually use the fucking chimneys for the purpose for which they have been built...
But loik da Murphys etc etc
06/10/05 David Davis
Poor old David. He was red hot favourite to win the Tory leadership election, but just gave one of the most disastrously awful, political speeches it has ever been my misfortune to witness.
He made Ian Duncan Smith look like Martin Luther King!
He's finished...the young pretender David Cameron is going to stroll it.
Not much experience, but the Tories think he could their very own Tony Blair prototype.
As for David Davis...well, his parents didn't exactly help with their imaginative choice of Christian name for him.
He could have a future though in co-ordinating these "Printing Initiatives" Powerpoint presentations at my work, as his dull, monotone delivery and absence of wit, lends itself perfectly to this type of job.
He made Ian Duncan Smith look like Martin Luther King!
He's finished...the young pretender David Cameron is going to stroll it.
Not much experience, but the Tories think he could their very own Tony Blair prototype.
As for David Davis...well, his parents didn't exactly help with their imaginative choice of Christian name for him.
He could have a future though in co-ordinating these "Printing Initiatives" Powerpoint presentations at my work, as his dull, monotone delivery and absence of wit, lends itself perfectly to this type of job.
05/10/05 Mental Health Week
I'm taking part in a Comedy night organised by Scottish Mental Health on Tuesday October 11th at "Left Bank" on Guthrie St in Edinburgh.
You can check the details here if you're interested in coming along to support this very worthwhile charity.
It promises to be a ripsnortingly hilarious evening of comedy and music, even if I say it myself.
You can check the details here if you're interested in coming along to support this very worthwhile charity.
It promises to be a ripsnortingly hilarious evening of comedy and music, even if I say it myself.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
04/10/05 The Sky At Night
...is apparently clear and bright, deep in the heart of Texas! So there you go...
Actually, I watched the BBC programme of this title the other night.
I'm not a regular viewer, but it generally is quite an interesting show, and usually throws up a few fascinating, mindblowing statistics for my puny brain to attempt to wrestle with.
Patrick Moore is one of those people who I've always assumed will live forever, and has obviously signed some pact with "Old Nick" guaranteeing immortality and a rolling contract from the BBC to present TSAN until the Universe implodes.
I would guess that he is currently about 143 years old.
He hasn't really changed much in all the time I've seen him presenting this show.
A lot of his monologue leaves me slightly bewildered, but I've always liked him...mainly because he has a real infectious passion for his subject and I respect that.
I was a bit perturbed to see that old age does seem to have finally caught up with him though.
That distinctive, rasping delivery isn't quite there any more. There's a degree of slurring in his speech, and physically, he seemed a bit wobbly.
I remember noticing the same about David Coleman's commentary. His voice always had this great immediacy and intensity about it, but he latterly started to warble, and it was all a tad sad, as you felt he'd gone on a little beyond his natural shelf-life as a top commentator.
Actually, I watched the BBC programme of this title the other night.
I'm not a regular viewer, but it generally is quite an interesting show, and usually throws up a few fascinating, mindblowing statistics for my puny brain to attempt to wrestle with.
Patrick Moore is one of those people who I've always assumed will live forever, and has obviously signed some pact with "Old Nick" guaranteeing immortality and a rolling contract from the BBC to present TSAN until the Universe implodes.
I would guess that he is currently about 143 years old.
He hasn't really changed much in all the time I've seen him presenting this show.
A lot of his monologue leaves me slightly bewildered, but I've always liked him...mainly because he has a real infectious passion for his subject and I respect that.
I was a bit perturbed to see that old age does seem to have finally caught up with him though.
That distinctive, rasping delivery isn't quite there any more. There's a degree of slurring in his speech, and physically, he seemed a bit wobbly.
I remember noticing the same about David Coleman's commentary. His voice always had this great immediacy and intensity about it, but he latterly started to warble, and it was all a tad sad, as you felt he'd gone on a little beyond his natural shelf-life as a top commentator.
03/10/05 Biscuits
This is a great web site, and I implore you to vote for your favourite biscuit of all time.
It really is important...
I'm not going to make any personal endorsements as I feel that would be a misuse of the global influence of this Blog, and that individuals should make their own selection without me putting ideas in their head...
although, it's fair to say that "Bandits" were my special biscuit...
Who could forget Conchita and the "You Can Stand It With Bandit" advert of the 80s?
Anyway, that's just my opinion...
It really is important...
I'm not going to make any personal endorsements as I feel that would be a misuse of the global influence of this Blog, and that individuals should make their own selection without me putting ideas in their head...
although, it's fair to say that "Bandits" were my special biscuit...
Who could forget Conchita and the "You Can Stand It With Bandit" advert of the 80s?
Anyway, that's just my opinion...
02/10/05 Sunday dinner
I made a Sunday dinner for the family. Mushroom soup, Fish pie and Apple Sponge.
It was well received. I am a creative genius in the kitchen, well, not really...I've got a fairly limited repertoire...good comfort food though, I think they call it
I had a gig at The Stand on Sunday night, and thought I should probably not drink, but of course ended up having 3 glasses of wine, and then felt slightly paranoid that I might make a mess of my delivery, (remembering this memorable occasion, when I experimented with the effect of industrial quantities of alcohol on the delivery and comic timing of a performing stand-up comedian, with disastrous results!)
I was going to do some new things, but bottled it, and did the old faithful set.
It all went down really well, and all that, but I need to start taking a few more risks.
I mean I've often considered putting a bit of ginger in the apple sponge, or adding squid and/or red snapper to the haddock in the fish pie.
I just haven't quite been able to have the courage of my convictions and actually go through with it though. It's not easy...not easy at all...
It was well received. I am a creative genius in the kitchen, well, not really...I've got a fairly limited repertoire...good comfort food though, I think they call it
I had a gig at The Stand on Sunday night, and thought I should probably not drink, but of course ended up having 3 glasses of wine, and then felt slightly paranoid that I might make a mess of my delivery, (remembering this memorable occasion, when I experimented with the effect of industrial quantities of alcohol on the delivery and comic timing of a performing stand-up comedian, with disastrous results!)
I was going to do some new things, but bottled it, and did the old faithful set.
It all went down really well, and all that, but I need to start taking a few more risks.
I mean I've often considered putting a bit of ginger in the apple sponge, or adding squid and/or red snapper to the haddock in the fish pie.
I just haven't quite been able to have the courage of my convictions and actually go through with it though. It's not easy...not easy at all...
01/10/05 Puzzled
I was amused to hear from my old neebor Martin that he had spent Friday night in, doing Sudokus, ("advanced", I hasten to add), and had drunk a case of 8 cans of lager in the process.
Surprisingly, he was feeling a little shaky the day after.
I think this is great maverick behaviour, and as such should be celebrated, as a demonstration of the rich tapestry of Scottish society.
I was at a work night out in Milnes Bar, and had a chinwag with Bernie, Scott and Rowland Rivron look-a-like whose name I have embarassingly failed to remember. If you read this, whoever you are, please don't take it personally!
Interestingly, Scott had read my Blog,and was also aquainted to musician and "trendy food photographer" Dave Reilly, aka "Cloudland Blue Quartet", and proprietor of the groundbreaking CBQ Blog which you can read here.
After that, why not visit here and cheer yourself up?
Hee hee...am I a wag..or am I a wag, or what?? chuckle chuckle...
No such thing as bad publicity though, eh Dave??
Anyway, we had a full and frank discussion on the relative merits of boarding schools (?)
We then drew the meeting to a halt, and I nicked across to The Stand to see a cracking night of comedy...
There was one persistent heckler who objected to some remarks made about the Iraq war, and started shouting "try living in Saudi Arabia" (?)
Surprisingly, he was feeling a little shaky the day after.
I think this is great maverick behaviour, and as such should be celebrated, as a demonstration of the rich tapestry of Scottish society.
I was at a work night out in Milnes Bar, and had a chinwag with Bernie, Scott and Rowland Rivron look-a-like whose name I have embarassingly failed to remember. If you read this, whoever you are, please don't take it personally!
Interestingly, Scott had read my Blog,and was also aquainted to musician and "trendy food photographer" Dave Reilly, aka "Cloudland Blue Quartet", and proprietor of the groundbreaking CBQ Blog which you can read here.
After that, why not visit here and cheer yourself up?
Hee hee...am I a wag..or am I a wag, or what?? chuckle chuckle...
No such thing as bad publicity though, eh Dave??
Anyway, we had a full and frank discussion on the relative merits of boarding schools (?)
We then drew the meeting to a halt, and I nicked across to The Stand to see a cracking night of comedy...
There was one persistent heckler who objected to some remarks made about the Iraq war, and started shouting "try living in Saudi Arabia" (?)
30/09/05 I was lucky!
I wrote in an earlier Blog entry about my lucky escape in Largs, when I fell into Largs Marina on a cold November night, pissed, strapped to a heavy rucksack and carrying a crate of beer. .
I was never really under much illusion that I was lucky to survive this incident.
However, I was very sad to see this weekend that someone did exactly the same thing at another nearby Marina and unfortunately drowned. Reading this article here made me shudder.
It's kind of convinced me that much as I enjoyed the sailing weekend, I prefer being on dry land. I've definitely used up one of my "sailing lives" in that incident.
I was never really under much illusion that I was lucky to survive this incident.
However, I was very sad to see this weekend that someone did exactly the same thing at another nearby Marina and unfortunately drowned. Reading this article here made me shudder.
It's kind of convinced me that much as I enjoyed the sailing weekend, I prefer being on dry land. I've definitely used up one of my "sailing lives" in that incident.
29/09/05 Appendix
I thought it would be fair to provide some more facts on the last Blog entry, in order to put things in perspective.
I checked the details with my Dad and it turns out they were down in London for a RAF Reunion Piss-Up.
At the function, they'd met a friendly Irish bloke. He'd insisted on getting all the drinks rounds, assuring my Dad and Barr that he could secure "free drinks".
This went on all evening...
However, later in the evening, my Dad noticed to his horror that the Irish bloke was hanging around the bar pouring all the dregs in discarded glasses he could find, into 3 glasses, and then putting them on a tray and bringing them through to the function room.
He didn't seem to be making any distinction between beers and spirits, and it was all getting mixed in. As long as there was alcohol content, it was deemed suitable for this dubious free cocktail service.
By the time they knew what was happening they were all completely rat-arsed, and the rest of the story should be viewed bearing this in mind!
This is a bit of a Defence Counsel summing up I suppose...
I always admired Barr's uncle's attitude to the ensuing events.
I think it's a case of, if you've lived through a world war in london and grew accustomed to getting bombed every night, then someone shitting all over your conservatory isn't really the end of the world.
Would this attitude prevail in contemporary London.
I'll maybe put it to the test...I was thinking of having a weekend down in London in November anyway.
I checked the details with my Dad and it turns out they were down in London for a RAF Reunion Piss-Up.
At the function, they'd met a friendly Irish bloke. He'd insisted on getting all the drinks rounds, assuring my Dad and Barr that he could secure "free drinks".
This went on all evening...
However, later in the evening, my Dad noticed to his horror that the Irish bloke was hanging around the bar pouring all the dregs in discarded glasses he could find, into 3 glasses, and then putting them on a tray and bringing them through to the function room.
He didn't seem to be making any distinction between beers and spirits, and it was all getting mixed in. As long as there was alcohol content, it was deemed suitable for this dubious free cocktail service.
By the time they knew what was happening they were all completely rat-arsed, and the rest of the story should be viewed bearing this in mind!
This is a bit of a Defence Counsel summing up I suppose...
I always admired Barr's uncle's attitude to the ensuing events.
I think it's a case of, if you've lived through a world war in london and grew accustomed to getting bombed every night, then someone shitting all over your conservatory isn't really the end of the world.
Would this attitude prevail in contemporary London.
I'll maybe put it to the test...I was thinking of having a weekend down in London in November anyway.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
28/09/05 Dad & Barr Larging It!
I recalled a funny anecdote concerning my Dad's pal Barr who died recently.
As young men in Scotland in the 1950s, they had a weekend away down in London and were staying at one of Barr's uncle and auntie's.
They were quite a posh couple staying in a leafy suburb of London.
Being Scottish, the two young men chose to mark the Saturday night by getting completely smashed on the local ale, coming back then drunkenly managed to find their room in the dark house in the middle of the night.
Barr later had a crisis in that he urgently needed to take a shit, but couldn't remember where the toilet was.
He didn't want to switch on the lights or go into the wrong room and wake people up.
However, he had to go, and in an act of total desperation, opened the window, stuck his bum out and summarily evacuated his bowels.
In the morning, nursing "category 5" hangovers, they gingerly came down the stairs to see Barr's uncle hosing down the glass roof of the conservatory.
Barr had inadvertently shit all over it from his chosen vantage point.
What I love about this story was that Barr's uncle was incredibly laid-back and understanding about the whole thing...
"Heavy night lads?" was his only comment.
The matter was then closed.
Priceless...
As young men in Scotland in the 1950s, they had a weekend away down in London and were staying at one of Barr's uncle and auntie's.
They were quite a posh couple staying in a leafy suburb of London.
Being Scottish, the two young men chose to mark the Saturday night by getting completely smashed on the local ale, coming back then drunkenly managed to find their room in the dark house in the middle of the night.
Barr later had a crisis in that he urgently needed to take a shit, but couldn't remember where the toilet was.
He didn't want to switch on the lights or go into the wrong room and wake people up.
However, he had to go, and in an act of total desperation, opened the window, stuck his bum out and summarily evacuated his bowels.
In the morning, nursing "category 5" hangovers, they gingerly came down the stairs to see Barr's uncle hosing down the glass roof of the conservatory.
Barr had inadvertently shit all over it from his chosen vantage point.
What I love about this story was that Barr's uncle was incredibly laid-back and understanding about the whole thing...
"Heavy night lads?" was his only comment.
The matter was then closed.
Priceless...
27/09/05 Evacuating Rita
I felt a bit guilty at the weekend at being slightly disappointed that Hurricane Rita didn't quite turn out to be quite as catastrophic as the media would have had us believe. Obviously, I didn't want to see anybody get killed, but thought that we would be privvy to witness a stunning example of the incredible forces of nature at work...
Of course, it's ultimately a good thing that this didn't completely materialise, and now that I've come to my senses, I'm happy about it too.
It's all the fault of "Sky News". They love a good, huge impending disaster and like to give it the big build-up.
It's like being in the audience for a big wrestling match as the promoter launches into an extended hyperbole to introduce the contestants.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, and in the blue corner,she's 400 miles wide, she's an unstoppable force of nature, she can lift buses high into the air, shes one b-a-a-a-a-d-a-s-s-s mama....will you give it up for "Hurrrrrrrr-icane Riiiiiii-tttt---aaaa!!!"
They did all this for "Hurricane Rita", but when the time came for the stunning entrance, the metaphorical "wrestler" was a 9 stone weakling dressed in a pink leotard and wearing national health glasses. What a let down. 165mph winds my arse! (only if I've been living off home-made scotch broth which this week I have, ironically enough)
I expect that the Bush Administration were keen to talk up the threat level of the Hurricane to make it look like they'd dealt with the crisis professionally and effectively, even if it wasn't all that bad in the end. They definitely
needed some decent PR after the Hurricane Katrina debacle.
I was quite shocked to see that ITV poll programme which was trying to establish the Top 50 News Shots since ITV began.
They'd got down to the last 10, and they were encouraging viewers to phone a premium rate number and vote on what they thought was the most memorable story.
It was basically a case of voting for your "favourite disaster".
You could have had the Tsunami, the Ethiopian Famine, 9/11, the JFK Assassination, England's 1966 World Cup Win etc It all seemed a bit weird to me...I didn't hang around to see what the "winner" was...
Of course, it's ultimately a good thing that this didn't completely materialise, and now that I've come to my senses, I'm happy about it too.
It's all the fault of "Sky News". They love a good, huge impending disaster and like to give it the big build-up.
It's like being in the audience for a big wrestling match as the promoter launches into an extended hyperbole to introduce the contestants.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, and in the blue corner,she's 400 miles wide, she's an unstoppable force of nature, she can lift buses high into the air, shes one b-a-a-a-a-d-a-s-s-s mama....will you give it up for "Hurrrrrrrr-icane Riiiiiii-tttt---aaaa!!!"
They did all this for "Hurricane Rita", but when the time came for the stunning entrance, the metaphorical "wrestler" was a 9 stone weakling dressed in a pink leotard and wearing national health glasses. What a let down. 165mph winds my arse! (only if I've been living off home-made scotch broth which this week I have, ironically enough)
I expect that the Bush Administration were keen to talk up the threat level of the Hurricane to make it look like they'd dealt with the crisis professionally and effectively, even if it wasn't all that bad in the end. They definitely
needed some decent PR after the Hurricane Katrina debacle.
I was quite shocked to see that ITV poll programme which was trying to establish the Top 50 News Shots since ITV began.
They'd got down to the last 10, and they were encouraging viewers to phone a premium rate number and vote on what they thought was the most memorable story.
It was basically a case of voting for your "favourite disaster".
You could have had the Tsunami, the Ethiopian Famine, 9/11, the JFK Assassination, England's 1966 World Cup Win etc It all seemed a bit weird to me...I didn't hang around to see what the "winner" was...
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
26/09/05 Flu (again)
Still got flu...
still got nothing interesting to say, other than that I don't like having flu...
got some new gigs though in case anyone is interested in seeing me do my hilarious "flu" routine...
9/10/05 "The Stand", Glasgow
24/10/05 "The Stand", Edinburgh
06/11/05 "The Stand", Edinburgh
Hopefully, I'll be well by then...
I just saw Tony Blair come on stage to the old Sham 69 hit "If The Kids Are United".
I found that more than a little weird.
I laughd in a similar way when supermodel Kate Moss was exposed by tabloid reporters as having been guilty of cocaine useage.
Now that is just so funny on so many different levels...
Anyway, back to my flu....
still got nothing interesting to say, other than that I don't like having flu...
got some new gigs though in case anyone is interested in seeing me do my hilarious "flu" routine...
9/10/05 "The Stand", Glasgow
24/10/05 "The Stand", Edinburgh
06/11/05 "The Stand", Edinburgh
Hopefully, I'll be well by then...
I just saw Tony Blair come on stage to the old Sham 69 hit "If The Kids Are United".
I found that more than a little weird.
I laughd in a similar way when supermodel Kate Moss was exposed by tabloid reporters as having been guilty of cocaine useage.
Now that is just so funny on so many different levels...
Anyway, back to my flu....
25/09/05 Flu
I am ill...
and therefore have nothing interesting to say about anything...
no change there then?
ha ha
and therefore have nothing interesting to say about anything...
no change there then?
ha ha
24/09/05 Jam Tarts
My old mate Jamie has a bet on Hearts to win the SPL title for 2005/06. I think he put on £25 at the start of the season at odds of 250/1, (the odds are now 7/4 for Hearts to win the league)
Even though I am a Rangers supporter, I was pleased to see Hearts beat Rangers today, as I would love it, love it if they won the league (he said doing a Kevin Keegan impersonation).
Jamie has promised to hire a pub for the day and have a free bar if/when the Jambos triumph. I think it'd be also good to hire some hilarious comedians for the day, and I personally would be willing to donate 5% of my fee to the "Hearts' Supporters Welfare Fund" to get involved in the spirit of the occasion.
It would be a great way to erase the trauma of 1986 when Hearts lost the league calamitously on the last day of the season, and fittingly it would be the 20th anniversary of this event.
I remember it very clearly as I lived near Tynecastle stadium at that time. There was so much optimism in the community. Shopkeepers had their radios on listening to the match ; they were cheery and whistling and talked about bottles of champagne in the fridge and a "big night" ahead.
Then it all went wrong. It was Gorgie's 9/11. It was awful. Despair. Tears. Terrible. And Celtic had won the league, to make it even worse.
Anyway, sorry for dragging all that up...
I hope this season is going to end up differently.
My only other thought is how Jamie's sphincter will cope as the season builds to its conclusion.
I suspect that it has started slowly vibrating after todays win against Rangers, but is probably still relatively under control.
Should Hearts beat Celtic at Parkhead in the next Jambo crunch game, then I suspect the "slow vibration" of Jamie's sphincter will evolve into something more akin to a humming bird in full flight.
Of course, he could now lay off his bet, ie put £3000 on Celtic at even money to win the title, thus guaranteeing a profit of £3000 whether Celtic or Hearts win the league. (of course this is based on the assumption that Rangers are out of the race. I think they're too far behind now,11 points off th pace, and that McLeish has lost the plot. In fact he never really found the plot as far as I was concerned.)
Even though I am a Rangers supporter, I was pleased to see Hearts beat Rangers today, as I would love it, love it if they won the league (he said doing a Kevin Keegan impersonation).
Jamie has promised to hire a pub for the day and have a free bar if/when the Jambos triumph. I think it'd be also good to hire some hilarious comedians for the day, and I personally would be willing to donate 5% of my fee to the "Hearts' Supporters Welfare Fund" to get involved in the spirit of the occasion.
It would be a great way to erase the trauma of 1986 when Hearts lost the league calamitously on the last day of the season, and fittingly it would be the 20th anniversary of this event.
I remember it very clearly as I lived near Tynecastle stadium at that time. There was so much optimism in the community. Shopkeepers had their radios on listening to the match ; they were cheery and whistling and talked about bottles of champagne in the fridge and a "big night" ahead.
Then it all went wrong. It was Gorgie's 9/11. It was awful. Despair. Tears. Terrible. And Celtic had won the league, to make it even worse.
Anyway, sorry for dragging all that up...
I hope this season is going to end up differently.
My only other thought is how Jamie's sphincter will cope as the season builds to its conclusion.
I suspect that it has started slowly vibrating after todays win against Rangers, but is probably still relatively under control.
Should Hearts beat Celtic at Parkhead in the next Jambo crunch game, then I suspect the "slow vibration" of Jamie's sphincter will evolve into something more akin to a humming bird in full flight.
Of course, he could now lay off his bet, ie put £3000 on Celtic at even money to win the title, thus guaranteeing a profit of £3000 whether Celtic or Hearts win the league. (of course this is based on the assumption that Rangers are out of the race. I think they're too far behind now,11 points off th pace, and that McLeish has lost the plot. In fact he never really found the plot as far as I was concerned.)
23/09/05 Oh Dear
A "Category 5" hangover...
Cycled in to work but still felt completely pissed.
Managed 4 hours "work", then got the bus home, feeling physically incapable of cycling up the big hill.
tsk tsk tsk...
I should have known better...
I'll never drink again today
Cycled in to work but still felt completely pissed.
Managed 4 hours "work", then got the bus home, feeling physically incapable of cycling up the big hill.
tsk tsk tsk...
I should have known better...
I'll never drink again today
22/09/05 Cheryl's Birthday
I met up with Cheryl and her band of merry friends at the Blue Parrot in Stockbridge for a birthday meal.
It's a really nice, relaxed little place with excellent simple, mexican fare. I always enjoy it there.
We tend to favour the litre jugs of Margheritas on occasions such as this, and saw no reason to deviate from this established tradition.
It's always difficult to establish how much you're drinking though, as the glass never gets a chance to get to the "empty" setting as there is a continual topping up thing going on.
It's the most jugs I've seen on display since I was at a "Festival Of Toby Jugs" in Scarborough in 1983.
They just kept coming. It was reminiscent of the Sorcerer's Apprentice scene from Walt Disney's "Fantasia" where Mickey Mouse magicks the broomsticks to start fetching buckets of water, and he chops them up to try and stop, but they form new broomsticks and keep bringing more and more...ahem..."jugs of margherita" to the table...and so on...
We didn't have an elderly sorcerer to put things to right and stop all this mayhem though, (where is Paul Daniels when you need him?), so we just kept on drinking them, secretly hoping that the restaurant would eventually run out of them.
It was a simply marvellous evening though and a good time was had by all.
It's a really nice, relaxed little place with excellent simple, mexican fare. I always enjoy it there.
We tend to favour the litre jugs of Margheritas on occasions such as this, and saw no reason to deviate from this established tradition.
It's always difficult to establish how much you're drinking though, as the glass never gets a chance to get to the "empty" setting as there is a continual topping up thing going on.
It's the most jugs I've seen on display since I was at a "Festival Of Toby Jugs" in Scarborough in 1983.
They just kept coming. It was reminiscent of the Sorcerer's Apprentice scene from Walt Disney's "Fantasia" where Mickey Mouse magicks the broomsticks to start fetching buckets of water, and he chops them up to try and stop, but they form new broomsticks and keep bringing more and more...ahem..."jugs of margherita" to the table...and so on...
We didn't have an elderly sorcerer to put things to right and stop all this mayhem though, (where is Paul Daniels when you need him?), so we just kept on drinking them, secretly hoping that the restaurant would eventually run out of them.
It was a simply marvellous evening though and a good time was had by all.
21/09/05 Anthem
I was just wondering. When the queen dies, do we immediately have to start singing "God Save The King", or is there a Royal protocole to cover this situation, in which "God Save The Queen" is maintained for a respectable length of time.
It seems a bit harsh to immediately revert asking God to save the King, although the saying "the King is dead, long live the King" suggests that it kind of goes with the territory.
However, just because the Queen is dead doesn't mean to say that she is no longer in need to be saved by God. I suppose you could interpret being "saved" as being guided safely through to the next level, after having shuffled off the old mortal coil.
So maybe singing "God Save The Queen" for a month or two after her death would seem quite a nice gesture?
Anyway, does Charles become King immediately, or is it only when the Archbishop of Canterbury plonks the crown on his napper at the coronation ceremony?
This would take a while to organise...mainly due to the fact that it's been so long since they did the last one.
Maybe there's a period when we don't sing the song at all, as there is an offical limbo time between the monarchs, (perhaps the odd chorus of "Ding Dong The Queen Is Dead" instead?)
I always thought that "God Save The Queen" was a bit of strange request. It implies that she's in imminent danger, and that is slighlty discomforting.
Why not swap "save" with "help" for the new monarch? That way, it's more of a request for the deity to assist our monarch, and is less likely to cause unnecessary anxiety. Just a thought anyway.
It seems a bit harsh to immediately revert asking God to save the King, although the saying "the King is dead, long live the King" suggests that it kind of goes with the territory.
However, just because the Queen is dead doesn't mean to say that she is no longer in need to be saved by God. I suppose you could interpret being "saved" as being guided safely through to the next level, after having shuffled off the old mortal coil.
So maybe singing "God Save The Queen" for a month or two after her death would seem quite a nice gesture?
Anyway, does Charles become King immediately, or is it only when the Archbishop of Canterbury plonks the crown on his napper at the coronation ceremony?
This would take a while to organise...mainly due to the fact that it's been so long since they did the last one.
Maybe there's a period when we don't sing the song at all, as there is an offical limbo time between the monarchs, (perhaps the odd chorus of "Ding Dong The Queen Is Dead" instead?)
I always thought that "God Save The Queen" was a bit of strange request. It implies that she's in imminent danger, and that is slighlty discomforting.
Why not swap "save" with "help" for the new monarch? That way, it's more of a request for the deity to assist our monarch, and is less likely to cause unnecessary anxiety. Just a thought anyway.
20/09/05 An Appeal
Writing a Blog can start out as a harmless bit of fun. A therapeutic exercise to distil thoughts and activities into an "entertaining" insight into the Blogger's daily existence.
I write a Blog myself and am aware of the pros and cons of such an activity.
You can often be accused of pompous self-indulgence. It has been compared to "vanity publishing". Yeah, yeah, yeah...but the bottom line is no-one generally gets hurt and it's not doing anybody any harm.
But like anything else Blogging can become addictive and its use can spiral out of control if not sensibly monitored.
At this point I feel I must draw attention to the plight of my friend Dave who has fallen victim to "Bloggers' Syndrome".
(See Link at end of this Blog entry to access Dave's Blog.)
This is the most acute case of this phenomenum which I have ever seen on the Internet.
To make matters worse a Digital Camera is also involved. (sharp intake of breath)
It started off with photos of CDs, then there photos of the interior of an Edinburgh Corporation Bus, the odd photo of his garden slabs...nothing too alarming there, but we are now at the level of seeing a collection of photos of Dave's weekly groceries, (see Blog entry for 25/09/05)
It is of great concern to myself and Dave's many close friends that this descent into madness seems to be gathering momentum.
I worry that I will soon see him outside Marks and Spencers jumping up and down in his underpants, taking pictures of people's sandwiches and making ear piercing squawking sounds as he takes each snap, then shouting "One for The Blog, One for the Blog!".
This is the next stage.
However, if you send me cash donations, I will set up a clinic where Dave, and others who suffer from this Internet based condition, can be treated...
I'm hoping to get one of these spots after "Scotland Today", where people talk in black and white about a worthy cause.
I write a Blog myself and am aware of the pros and cons of such an activity.
You can often be accused of pompous self-indulgence. It has been compared to "vanity publishing". Yeah, yeah, yeah...but the bottom line is no-one generally gets hurt and it's not doing anybody any harm.
But like anything else Blogging can become addictive and its use can spiral out of control if not sensibly monitored.
At this point I feel I must draw attention to the plight of my friend Dave who has fallen victim to "Bloggers' Syndrome".
(See Link at end of this Blog entry to access Dave's Blog.)
This is the most acute case of this phenomenum which I have ever seen on the Internet.
To make matters worse a Digital Camera is also involved. (sharp intake of breath)
It started off with photos of CDs, then there photos of the interior of an Edinburgh Corporation Bus, the odd photo of his garden slabs...nothing too alarming there, but we are now at the level of seeing a collection of photos of Dave's weekly groceries, (see Blog entry for 25/09/05)
It is of great concern to myself and Dave's many close friends that this descent into madness seems to be gathering momentum.
I worry that I will soon see him outside Marks and Spencers jumping up and down in his underpants, taking pictures of people's sandwiches and making ear piercing squawking sounds as he takes each snap, then shouting "One for The Blog, One for the Blog!".
This is the next stage.
However, if you send me cash donations, I will set up a clinic where Dave, and others who suffer from this Internet based condition, can be treated...
I'm hoping to get one of these spots after "Scotland Today", where people talk in black and white about a worthy cause.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
19/09/05 Small Change
Since I discovered that I have approximately 800 squillion pounds worth of loose change in my flat, I've used this ridiculous surplus to initiate a clever new training regime.
On a daily basis, I fill a rucksack full of change, (in proper little bank bags), and then proceed to cycle (rather unsteadily) to work.
If I was to get knocked off my bike, (as nearly happened this morning), I would hit the ground with a great thud carrying all the extra weight on my back. In all likelihood the bag would burst and thousands of coins would cascade all over the road. I'd be suspected of being a suicide bomber, using the coins for shrapnel.
At lunchtime, I walk up the entire length of Dundas St to the bank.(It's a steep continuous hill, reminiscent of the south-west face of the Eiger, in case you didn't know...)
By the time I get to the bank I am puffing and sweating like a racehorse. I usually make it to the bank just before midday and manage to avoid the busy lunchtime queues.
As I waited in the queue yesterday carrying my bumper load of change, the bank suddenly became very busy with about 15 people waiting behind me.
One teller was occupied in an intractable debate with an Italian female who was trying to organise some complicated transaction involving a large number of ravelling cheques.
There was a clearly audible groan from the queue as I strode up to the teller and began to load a multitude of loose change bags onto the counter.
There was nothing I could do to improve my popularity in this difiicult situation.
I sure as hell wasn't going to carry all the change back down to the office again. I'd no choice. I felt like turning round and explaining this to the rest of the queue, (possibly through the medium of song?)...
However, I didn't do this. It seemed a risky strategy. I was comforted by the realisation that the majority of people in the queue were obviously "fresher" students opening new bank accounts. If they weren't waiting in the queue, they'd just be sitting in cafes, smoking cigarettes and talking animatedly about "pop" music and computer games.
I was relieved to feel that I wasn't causing serious problems to the economy by my selfish change conversion practice.
On a daily basis, I fill a rucksack full of change, (in proper little bank bags), and then proceed to cycle (rather unsteadily) to work.
If I was to get knocked off my bike, (as nearly happened this morning), I would hit the ground with a great thud carrying all the extra weight on my back. In all likelihood the bag would burst and thousands of coins would cascade all over the road. I'd be suspected of being a suicide bomber, using the coins for shrapnel.
At lunchtime, I walk up the entire length of Dundas St to the bank.(It's a steep continuous hill, reminiscent of the south-west face of the Eiger, in case you didn't know...)
By the time I get to the bank I am puffing and sweating like a racehorse. I usually make it to the bank just before midday and manage to avoid the busy lunchtime queues.
As I waited in the queue yesterday carrying my bumper load of change, the bank suddenly became very busy with about 15 people waiting behind me.
One teller was occupied in an intractable debate with an Italian female who was trying to organise some complicated transaction involving a large number of ravelling cheques.
There was a clearly audible groan from the queue as I strode up to the teller and began to load a multitude of loose change bags onto the counter.
There was nothing I could do to improve my popularity in this difiicult situation.
I sure as hell wasn't going to carry all the change back down to the office again. I'd no choice. I felt like turning round and explaining this to the rest of the queue, (possibly through the medium of song?)...
However, I didn't do this. It seemed a risky strategy. I was comforted by the realisation that the majority of people in the queue were obviously "fresher" students opening new bank accounts. If they weren't waiting in the queue, they'd just be sitting in cafes, smoking cigarettes and talking animatedly about "pop" music and computer games.
I was relieved to feel that I wasn't causing serious problems to the economy by my selfish change conversion practice.
Monday, September 19, 2005
18/09/05 Another Scotland Triumph!
Scotland became the recipient of another dubious honour at the weekend when it was categorised "most violent country in the developed world". This can be added to our existing portfolio of market leader in Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Strokes and Alcoholism.
We're also apparently improving our obesity rating as well. By that I mean we're getting fatter, not getting slimmer.
I've made my own personal contribution to this trend over the past few weeks. (So much for my spectacular loss of a stone through using the revolutionary "Fringe Comedy Show" diet. It's all gone back on. Been coming back late from work and lapsing into the murky world of junk food. It's a slippery slope...(mainly due to all the grease)
I think Scotland's main problem definitely is our diet . We smoke a lot and drink a lot. But so do the French and the Japanese, and their life expectancy is miles better than ours. They eat lots of fresh fruit & veg & fish, whereas we exist on smoked sausage suppers, Irn Bru, Scotch Pies, Crisps, tinned macaroni, dairylea cheese slices ("they're Dairlylea mad, them kids...!"), turkey twizzlers, square sausages (the sum of the squares of 2 sides of a square sausage is equal to the sum of the squares of the other 2 sides...that's something we get taught at an early age in Scottish Primary Schools during "Home Economics" lessons) , fish fingers, pork pies, greasy chips, white bread and "ready meals" saturated with additives and hydrogenated fat. And that's just for breakfast...
Not that I'm one to talk. I'm constantly starting new "diet regimes" which last a couple of weeks, but inevitably lapse into a visit to a "Deep Fried Theme Park" for a few days...
My latest attempt to establish a healthy eating regime is to order a weekly box of fruit and veg from an organic farm. This will cost me £30, which is quite lot I suppose. However, this will be a lot cheaper than eating junk all the time, and should encourage me to create healthy, wholesome fare .
Or will it turn into a weekly "Jim's Festival of Vegetable Decomposition" event in my kitchen. The world holds its breath!
Four people died yesterday doing "The Great North Run". It's supposed to be a "fun run"! I always did find that expression something of a contradiction in terms. It's over 13 miles! Fun? Are you crazy? I suspect it's dangerous doing these events without enough training, and feeling the weight of friends' expectations and being pressurised into finishing the race to secure the sponsorship cash, even though your body is screaming at you to stop. Four dead is a lot.
Couldn't we have a "Great Pie Eating Challenge" instead where the object is to sit in a pub and eat as many pies as you can in an 8 hour period. It would be a great way of generating funds for "eating disorder" charities, as well as a viable means of raising general awareness of the problem.
We're also apparently improving our obesity rating as well. By that I mean we're getting fatter, not getting slimmer.
I've made my own personal contribution to this trend over the past few weeks. (So much for my spectacular loss of a stone through using the revolutionary "Fringe Comedy Show" diet. It's all gone back on. Been coming back late from work and lapsing into the murky world of junk food. It's a slippery slope...(mainly due to all the grease)
I think Scotland's main problem definitely is our diet . We smoke a lot and drink a lot. But so do the French and the Japanese, and their life expectancy is miles better than ours. They eat lots of fresh fruit & veg & fish, whereas we exist on smoked sausage suppers, Irn Bru, Scotch Pies, Crisps, tinned macaroni, dairylea cheese slices ("they're Dairlylea mad, them kids...!"), turkey twizzlers, square sausages (the sum of the squares of 2 sides of a square sausage is equal to the sum of the squares of the other 2 sides...that's something we get taught at an early age in Scottish Primary Schools during "Home Economics" lessons) , fish fingers, pork pies, greasy chips, white bread and "ready meals" saturated with additives and hydrogenated fat. And that's just for breakfast...
Not that I'm one to talk. I'm constantly starting new "diet regimes" which last a couple of weeks, but inevitably lapse into a visit to a "Deep Fried Theme Park" for a few days...
My latest attempt to establish a healthy eating regime is to order a weekly box of fruit and veg from an organic farm. This will cost me £30, which is quite lot I suppose. However, this will be a lot cheaper than eating junk all the time, and should encourage me to create healthy, wholesome fare .
Or will it turn into a weekly "Jim's Festival of Vegetable Decomposition" event in my kitchen. The world holds its breath!
Four people died yesterday doing "The Great North Run". It's supposed to be a "fun run"! I always did find that expression something of a contradiction in terms. It's over 13 miles! Fun? Are you crazy? I suspect it's dangerous doing these events without enough training, and feeling the weight of friends' expectations and being pressurised into finishing the race to secure the sponsorship cash, even though your body is screaming at you to stop. Four dead is a lot.
Couldn't we have a "Great Pie Eating Challenge" instead where the object is to sit in a pub and eat as many pies as you can in an 8 hour period. It would be a great way of generating funds for "eating disorder" charities, as well as a viable means of raising general awareness of the problem.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
17/09/05 The Aristocrats
Saw this film tonight. It is very funny. I like a good helping of complete filth occasionally. There's something vaguely joyous about it.
It reminds me of how I pissed myself laughing uncontrollably as a teenager when Kenny Melrose played me a "Derek and Clive" LP for the first time. I could hardly stand up.
Just a couple of reservations. Most of the participating comedians are American, and a large percentage of them are unknown to British audiences. Most are very funny, but a few suffer from an annoying "amn't I the FUNNY one!" smugness which grates after a while.
Billy Connolly's contributions are consistently funny, yet they omit to show him actually telling the bleedin' joke! Why oh why oh why?
My other observation, was that towards the end of the film, an "older" comedian is filmed in a jacuzzi with an attractive young lady, who appears to have no clothes on, (although only her shoulders are exposed above the waterline).
In one scene, the comedian lunges at her in an attempted embrace and sets up a wave motion in the jacuzzi, with the resultant water displacement causing the young lady's left breast to be exposed.
However, the breast is pixellated to prevent her embarassment.
I find this a peculiar illustration of America's attitude to nudity.
I cite the hullaballoo surrounding Janet jackson at the Superbowl as another example.
This is bizarre in that for the preceding hour, we have listened to a large number of comedians discussing members of a family fucking each other "up the ass", felching, shitting on faces, shitting in mouths, bestiality, paedophilia, slithering about in shit and cum on stage...etc etc you name it, they talked about it... it was the largest compendium of uncensored filth exploring the extreme outer limits of sexual taboos ever filmed.
That passed the censors ok.
But a lady's bare breast! Pixellate it...! Pixellate it...!
That's obviously taking things just that little too far...
It reminds me of how I pissed myself laughing uncontrollably as a teenager when Kenny Melrose played me a "Derek and Clive" LP for the first time. I could hardly stand up.
Just a couple of reservations. Most of the participating comedians are American, and a large percentage of them are unknown to British audiences. Most are very funny, but a few suffer from an annoying "amn't I the FUNNY one!" smugness which grates after a while.
Billy Connolly's contributions are consistently funny, yet they omit to show him actually telling the bleedin' joke! Why oh why oh why?
My other observation, was that towards the end of the film, an "older" comedian is filmed in a jacuzzi with an attractive young lady, who appears to have no clothes on, (although only her shoulders are exposed above the waterline).
In one scene, the comedian lunges at her in an attempted embrace and sets up a wave motion in the jacuzzi, with the resultant water displacement causing the young lady's left breast to be exposed.
However, the breast is pixellated to prevent her embarassment.
I find this a peculiar illustration of America's attitude to nudity.
I cite the hullaballoo surrounding Janet jackson at the Superbowl as another example.
This is bizarre in that for the preceding hour, we have listened to a large number of comedians discussing members of a family fucking each other "up the ass", felching, shitting on faces, shitting in mouths, bestiality, paedophilia, slithering about in shit and cum on stage...etc etc you name it, they talked about it... it was the largest compendium of uncensored filth exploring the extreme outer limits of sexual taboos ever filmed.
That passed the censors ok.
But a lady's bare breast! Pixellate it...! Pixellate it...!
That's obviously taking things just that little too far...
16/09/05 Let's Have A Look At The Old Scoreboard
I worked out how to check the stats from the Web Host today for the usage of www.toecurler.com
At the start of this year I was just getting an average of 150 hits a month.
However, since the Blog began, the numbers have soared, and for the past 4 months I've averaged 5700 hits a month.
I don't know whether they are all unique hit ids (probably not), but it's still fairly heavy traffic and a lot more than I imagined.
All in all, there have been 38 862 hits on the web site since it was created.
I feel a bit self-conscious now!
I watched a bit of that "Art School" thing this week.
It's nice sometimes to have your prejudices confirmed, ie that John Humphries is a pompous, self-important, irritating, self-obsessed arsehole of the first degree.
Sometimes I felt as though my views on him were maybe a little harsh and over the top. Turns out they weren't. He's even worse than I imagined.
At the start of this year I was just getting an average of 150 hits a month.
However, since the Blog began, the numbers have soared, and for the past 4 months I've averaged 5700 hits a month.
I don't know whether they are all unique hit ids (probably not), but it's still fairly heavy traffic and a lot more than I imagined.
All in all, there have been 38 862 hits on the web site since it was created.
I feel a bit self-conscious now!
I watched a bit of that "Art School" thing this week.
It's nice sometimes to have your prejudices confirmed, ie that John Humphries is a pompous, self-important, irritating, self-obsessed arsehole of the first degree.
Sometimes I felt as though my views on him were maybe a little harsh and over the top. Turns out they weren't. He's even worse than I imagined.
15/09/05 It's For Charidee...!
I had another gig at The Stand last night. It was a charity fundraising event for "Enlighten", an Epilepsy charity.
I was happy to waive my standard massive fee and perform for free. There was a fairly big crowd there, although it felt slightly different from a normal Stand night. I think most of the audience had some connection with the charity rather than being the usual random crowd of comedy punters.
I got a good reaction though, and I sure was pleased with the way it all went. I'm definitely a lot more unfazed now about doing comedy club gigs. I feel confident that the audience is highly unlikely to be as tricky as a few of the ones we had to deal with during the record-breaking Fringe run of "Park's Circus".
One feature about last night's audience was that I got big laughs which would last a couple of seconds, but then it would cut out to complete silence again.
The best audiences are those that laugh big, but then there's a kind of ripple effect where there's pockets of laughter in the room, that just keep going way beyond the first big guffaw.
When this is happening, you get a domino effect, in which people are laughing out of sync with other people, and that this in turn can start people who'd stopped, laughing again.
When it just cuts out completely, it feels like you're starting all over from scratch again, rather than building on a continuous laugh foundation.
There should be a term to describe this comedic phenomenum, but unfortunately there isn't, so you'll have to make do with my anorakish description for the time being.
Anyway, although I waived my large fee, I didn't waive my willingness to accept free drinks from the bar, and ended up getting ever so slightly pissed. Not big and not clever. At all...
I was happy to waive my standard massive fee and perform for free. There was a fairly big crowd there, although it felt slightly different from a normal Stand night. I think most of the audience had some connection with the charity rather than being the usual random crowd of comedy punters.
I got a good reaction though, and I sure was pleased with the way it all went. I'm definitely a lot more unfazed now about doing comedy club gigs. I feel confident that the audience is highly unlikely to be as tricky as a few of the ones we had to deal with during the record-breaking Fringe run of "Park's Circus".
One feature about last night's audience was that I got big laughs which would last a couple of seconds, but then it would cut out to complete silence again.
The best audiences are those that laugh big, but then there's a kind of ripple effect where there's pockets of laughter in the room, that just keep going way beyond the first big guffaw.
When this is happening, you get a domino effect, in which people are laughing out of sync with other people, and that this in turn can start people who'd stopped, laughing again.
When it just cuts out completely, it feels like you're starting all over from scratch again, rather than building on a continuous laugh foundation.
There should be a term to describe this comedic phenomenum, but unfortunately there isn't, so you'll have to make do with my anorakish description for the time being.
Anyway, although I waived my large fee, I didn't waive my willingness to accept free drinks from the bar, and ended up getting ever so slightly pissed. Not big and not clever. At all...
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
14/09/05 Gaelic Bread? Gaelic Bread?
I was watching a kids animation show in Gaelic before I left for work this morning. It was the strangest thing. The characters were animals (eg a duck, a frog, a badger etc), but they were dressed up in human clothes and spoke Gaelic to each other. What a bizarre concept! I've never seen anything like it in my life.
Whoever heard of animals dressing up as humans and speaking to each other in a human language? the creators of this so-called "entertainment" must be on drugs.
Should we really be subjecting our children to this surreal, maverick nonsense?
I'm often curious as to the size of the audience that actually watches these gaelic programmes. Not very many, I would hazard a guess.
Surely, it would make the programme more accessible to a larger audience if they included sub-titles with the Gaelic?
This would give people an opportunity to learn a bit more of the language as they could match up the spoken language to the on-screen translation.
I can't understand anything of it. It's like listening to Kath after a few glasses of red wine. Completely unintelligible. You just can't isolate any words or phrases at all, (Jim exits stage left and runs to take cover)...
I've learnt quite a lot of Spanish,French, Italian dialect just by watching sub-titled films. It seems hopelessly eccentric to put shows on in which 99% of the potential viewers haven't a clue what is going on.
I'm not anti-Gaelic though. Not at all. I think it's important to preserve our culture. That sounded quite sensible there didn't it...
Oh my giddy aunt! I must be more stupid and fatuous in the Blog for the rest of the week to make amends....
Whoever heard of animals dressing up as humans and speaking to each other in a human language? the creators of this so-called "entertainment" must be on drugs.
Should we really be subjecting our children to this surreal, maverick nonsense?
I'm often curious as to the size of the audience that actually watches these gaelic programmes. Not very many, I would hazard a guess.
Surely, it would make the programme more accessible to a larger audience if they included sub-titles with the Gaelic?
This would give people an opportunity to learn a bit more of the language as they could match up the spoken language to the on-screen translation.
I can't understand anything of it. It's like listening to Kath after a few glasses of red wine. Completely unintelligible. You just can't isolate any words or phrases at all, (Jim exits stage left and runs to take cover)...
I've learnt quite a lot of Spanish,French, Italian dialect just by watching sub-titled films. It seems hopelessly eccentric to put shows on in which 99% of the potential viewers haven't a clue what is going on.
I'm not anti-Gaelic though. Not at all. I think it's important to preserve our culture. That sounded quite sensible there didn't it...
Oh my giddy aunt! I must be more stupid and fatuous in the Blog for the rest of the week to make amends....
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
13/09/05 Stressful Day
I'd arranged to take my Dad to a funeral of an old friend of his in Motherwell today. We had to be at the Funeral Directors for a little service at 9.45am, before we headed to the Crematorium.
This meant an early start. I had to leave my flat at 7.45am! (sharp intake of breath from around the world).
My internet map printing and navigational skills paid off handsomely, and we arrived in plenty of time. It was after this service that things began to go horribly wrong.
I lost the cortege. It was tricky driving out of the Funeral directors car park as it was on a main road and we couldn't all keep together.
Eventually I found the Crematorium after asking about 5 different people in the street,( who each had slightly different interpretations on directions.)
It turned out it was the wrong Crematorium.
Running low on petrol, I stopped at 4 separate petrol stations and found out that they had no petrol left. This was caused by panic buying by people worrying about industrial action on petrol duty by freight companies scheduled for this week.
I eventually found a garage with some petrol left.
It looked at one point that I was going to have to ditch the car in Motherwell then get a train back east.
We missed the service. I felt terrible about it, but my dad seemed philosophical about the whole thing.
After another long search of Motherwell, we found the hotel where the funeral reception was on. Phew... It turned out that quite a few people had got lost and missed the service. This made me feel slightly less idiotic.
I collared the minister and managed to borrow the transcript of what he'd said about my dad's friend Barr at the service. My dad enjoyed reading this, so at least he had experienced a written account of the sentiments expressed at the service.
I'm sure Barr would have found the whole scenario of us tearing around Motherwell looking for the right crematorium, running out of petrol, as being classic Park mentalist behaviour, and he'd have realised that we mean well, in spite of all this incompetence.
Anyway, I enjoyed the banter and the scones. Although a pednatic old gent sitting next to me informed me that the scones were not scones, as such, ....but that's another exciting story that I will tell on another day.
We promised Barr's widow Kathy that we'd be in touch soon and would bring through some old photos of Dad and Barr in their prime.
This meant an early start. I had to leave my flat at 7.45am! (sharp intake of breath from around the world).
My internet map printing and navigational skills paid off handsomely, and we arrived in plenty of time. It was after this service that things began to go horribly wrong.
I lost the cortege. It was tricky driving out of the Funeral directors car park as it was on a main road and we couldn't all keep together.
Eventually I found the Crematorium after asking about 5 different people in the street,( who each had slightly different interpretations on directions.)
It turned out it was the wrong Crematorium.
Running low on petrol, I stopped at 4 separate petrol stations and found out that they had no petrol left. This was caused by panic buying by people worrying about industrial action on petrol duty by freight companies scheduled for this week.
I eventually found a garage with some petrol left.
It looked at one point that I was going to have to ditch the car in Motherwell then get a train back east.
We missed the service. I felt terrible about it, but my dad seemed philosophical about the whole thing.
After another long search of Motherwell, we found the hotel where the funeral reception was on. Phew... It turned out that quite a few people had got lost and missed the service. This made me feel slightly less idiotic.
I collared the minister and managed to borrow the transcript of what he'd said about my dad's friend Barr at the service. My dad enjoyed reading this, so at least he had experienced a written account of the sentiments expressed at the service.
I'm sure Barr would have found the whole scenario of us tearing around Motherwell looking for the right crematorium, running out of petrol, as being classic Park mentalist behaviour, and he'd have realised that we mean well, in spite of all this incompetence.
Anyway, I enjoyed the banter and the scones. Although a pednatic old gent sitting next to me informed me that the scones were not scones, as such, ....but that's another exciting story that I will tell on another day.
We promised Barr's widow Kathy that we'd be in touch soon and would bring through some old photos of Dad and Barr in their prime.
12/09/05 Someone said
"it's cheap at half the price" to me today.
What the fuck does that actually mean?
It makes about as much sense to me as "the meek shall inherit the earth"...
and "what's for ye will no' go by ye",.... yeah right!
"Don't regret the things you've done, just regret the things you haven't done!"
Hah! I don't believe anyone who says that they don't regret certain things they've done. I certainly have a few regrets, and probably not too few to mention...
I understand the point that this saying is trying to make though. It's a subset of "fortune favours the brave", "who dares wins", "it's better to be a psycho than a shrinking violet", "in for a penny in for a pound", ie if you've murdered someone, you might as well become a serial killer, and use this popular saying as part of your defence case at the Old Bailey etc etc
Sometimes "less is more", so I'm now signing off, and heading off to my Pedantry evening class.
What the fuck does that actually mean?
It makes about as much sense to me as "the meek shall inherit the earth"...
and "what's for ye will no' go by ye",.... yeah right!
"Don't regret the things you've done, just regret the things you haven't done!"
Hah! I don't believe anyone who says that they don't regret certain things they've done. I certainly have a few regrets, and probably not too few to mention...
I understand the point that this saying is trying to make though. It's a subset of "fortune favours the brave", "who dares wins", "it's better to be a psycho than a shrinking violet", "in for a penny in for a pound", ie if you've murdered someone, you might as well become a serial killer, and use this popular saying as part of your defence case at the Old Bailey etc etc
Sometimes "less is more", so I'm now signing off, and heading off to my Pedantry evening class.
11/09/05 Remember Remember the 9th of November
I did a gig at The Stand in Edinburgh tonight. This was my first appearance on stage since "Park's Circus" on the Fringe.
I have to say it was very nice just to turn up somewhere with an audience already in place, with no other chores rather than to order a pint of lager from the bar.
This is in contrast to the Fringe where we would have to spend a couple of hours flyering before every show, gamely trying to sell our wares to the great public at large.
Pleased to report that it all went very well. It was a nice big audience for a Sunday night, and they seemed to like my stuff.
Blunt talking Stu Whittle came along to witness the spectacle and he described my performance as "excellent!"...yes, really! This is good as Stu is not the sort of person who would hold back if he thought it was a load of old shite.
Rob Deering was headlining. Very funny set, and also I just love hearing someone accomplished play a lot of classic, nifty lead breaks on an electric guitar.
It has a timeless joy to a sad old rocker such as myself.
I have to say it was very nice just to turn up somewhere with an audience already in place, with no other chores rather than to order a pint of lager from the bar.
This is in contrast to the Fringe where we would have to spend a couple of hours flyering before every show, gamely trying to sell our wares to the great public at large.
Pleased to report that it all went very well. It was a nice big audience for a Sunday night, and they seemed to like my stuff.
Blunt talking Stu Whittle came along to witness the spectacle and he described my performance as "excellent!"...yes, really! This is good as Stu is not the sort of person who would hold back if he thought it was a load of old shite.
Rob Deering was headlining. Very funny set, and also I just love hearing someone accomplished play a lot of classic, nifty lead breaks on an electric guitar.
It has a timeless joy to a sad old rocker such as myself.
10/09/05 Blairgowrie
I'd been invited to take part in an annual golfing outing up at Blargowrie organised by Colin Crabbie and his mates.
I'd underestimated the time I'd need to get there. Not like me at all really. I screeched into the car park, had the golf shoes on in less than 10 seconds, then had to run carrying my clubs to the first tee where my 3 golfing partners were anxiously waiting for me.
No time for a warm-up. Not even enough time for a practice swing. I jogged onto the tee, swung my driver, and hit probably the best drive I've ever hit in my life.
Unfortunately, this is real life and this fantasy wasn't destined to continue.My 2nd shot was sliced deep into the surrounding forest, and I ended up with a disastrous opening 7. You see, there are no fairy stories in golf. I played like a twat for most of the round, although did get a birdie. Hurray!
I also narrowly avoided getting hit on the back of the head by some lady golfers behind us who understimated their distance capabilities.
It was a shame they missed me, as being stretchered off the course would have eased the torment of being forced to endure my golfing performance at first hand.
Beautiful course though, and it was all very convivial and cheery hanging out with the Crabbie Gang.
They were all going out for a meal in Blairgowrie and getting rat-arsed. I headed back to Edinburgh. I was feeling zonked and needed an early night.
I'd underestimated the time I'd need to get there. Not like me at all really. I screeched into the car park, had the golf shoes on in less than 10 seconds, then had to run carrying my clubs to the first tee where my 3 golfing partners were anxiously waiting for me.
No time for a warm-up. Not even enough time for a practice swing. I jogged onto the tee, swung my driver, and hit probably the best drive I've ever hit in my life.
Unfortunately, this is real life and this fantasy wasn't destined to continue.My 2nd shot was sliced deep into the surrounding forest, and I ended up with a disastrous opening 7. You see, there are no fairy stories in golf. I played like a twat for most of the round, although did get a birdie. Hurray!
I also narrowly avoided getting hit on the back of the head by some lady golfers behind us who understimated their distance capabilities.
It was a shame they missed me, as being stretchered off the course would have eased the torment of being forced to endure my golfing performance at first hand.
Beautiful course though, and it was all very convivial and cheery hanging out with the Crabbie Gang.
They were all going out for a meal in Blairgowrie and getting rat-arsed. I headed back to Edinburgh. I was feeling zonked and needed an early night.
09/09/05 ROTFL
I literally did "Roll On The Floor Laughing" at an episode of the Mighty Boosh last night, entitled "The Legend Of Milky Joe".
If you haven't sampled these guys yet, then try to catch them.
They're the funniest thing since sliced bread.
And, remember just HOW funny sliced bread was when it first came out?
You do?
Well, they're really just AS FUNNY AS THAT!
Can you imagine?
If you haven't sampled these guys yet, then try to catch them.
They're the funniest thing since sliced bread.
And, remember just HOW funny sliced bread was when it first came out?
You do?
Well, they're really just AS FUNNY AS THAT!
Can you imagine?
08/09/05 POETS Day
Of course that is an acronym for "Piss Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday", in case you didn't know...
I did indeed leave early. 3.30pm. It doesn't get much earlier than that. Although 3.15pm is ,strictly speaking, earlier than 3.30pm, and is, as such, the exception that proves the rule.
I had one of my work colleagues in hysterical laughter for about 10 minutes after he read my "weekly status report" which we have to add to the Intranet (are you following all this Grandad?).
It was just something about the way I'd described how I was "investigating" something which seemed to set him off. It was definitely unintentional humour on my part, and I'm not quite sure what it was all about...but a laugh is a laugh...!
Maybe I should include it in my set...
It was bit embarassing at one point, as all the office people were looking across, wondering what all the fuss was about.
I'm pleased to report that my puncture repair has been an unqualified success, and that my bike is back on the road again, enjoying a new lease of life.
I feel like a real man, in that I have performed a slightly tricky practical task successfully. I almost feel like having a fag and a pint and then going to have a bet on a greyhound.
I did indeed leave early. 3.30pm. It doesn't get much earlier than that. Although 3.15pm is ,strictly speaking, earlier than 3.30pm, and is, as such, the exception that proves the rule.
I had one of my work colleagues in hysterical laughter for about 10 minutes after he read my "weekly status report" which we have to add to the Intranet (are you following all this Grandad?).
It was just something about the way I'd described how I was "investigating" something which seemed to set him off. It was definitely unintentional humour on my part, and I'm not quite sure what it was all about...but a laugh is a laugh...!
Maybe I should include it in my set...
It was bit embarassing at one point, as all the office people were looking across, wondering what all the fuss was about.
I'm pleased to report that my puncture repair has been an unqualified success, and that my bike is back on the road again, enjoying a new lease of life.
I feel like a real man, in that I have performed a slightly tricky practical task successfully. I almost feel like having a fag and a pint and then going to have a bet on a greyhound.
07/09/05 Good And Bad At Games
"Brothers and sisters have I none,
But that man's father is my father's son"
Attempting to work out precisely who the narrator of this verse was referring to
used to cause my brain to short circuit as a child.
Of course as an intelligent adult, I can now see that the solution is patently obvious and that the narrator is referring to his second cousin,( twice removed), on the maternal side of his family. Simple.
This conundrum occasionally appeared as a Park family "keep the children entertained" travelling game.
We used to make a weekly visit from South Queensferry to Glasgow to see my mum's parents. This trip generally took about an hour. To 4 small children this represents an extremely long and boring journey.
The most popular in-drive games option was usuaully a "General Knowledge" quiz, where we would all compete against each other.
Questions were tailored by my parents to suit the relative ages of the children. This was a good idea in principal, however the game often ended in raging controversy, as play was suspended due to a barrage of complaints, (usually from my brother or me), about the ridiculously easy questions given to my younger sisters.
On one occasion, I was tied in a cliffhanger of a game with my youngest sister Janie. We had one question each left. The atmosphere in the car was electric.
I was given a tough geographical question which I had to pass on, leaving me devastated.
Janie (aged approximately 5) was then asked what noise a duck makes. I was outraged, and, to rub salt in the wound, was then disqualified for my unabated, vociferous complaints. It still upsets me to this day.
I was denied victory in the cruellest of circumstances. The confidence that victory would have given me could have led me to win "Mastermind" or even appear on "University Challenge", but I was left broken, bitter and defeated with a smouldering sense of injustice.
But that man's father is my father's son"
Attempting to work out precisely who the narrator of this verse was referring to
used to cause my brain to short circuit as a child.
Of course as an intelligent adult, I can now see that the solution is patently obvious and that the narrator is referring to his second cousin,( twice removed), on the maternal side of his family. Simple.
This conundrum occasionally appeared as a Park family "keep the children entertained" travelling game.
We used to make a weekly visit from South Queensferry to Glasgow to see my mum's parents. This trip generally took about an hour. To 4 small children this represents an extremely long and boring journey.
The most popular in-drive games option was usuaully a "General Knowledge" quiz, where we would all compete against each other.
Questions were tailored by my parents to suit the relative ages of the children. This was a good idea in principal, however the game often ended in raging controversy, as play was suspended due to a barrage of complaints, (usually from my brother or me), about the ridiculously easy questions given to my younger sisters.
On one occasion, I was tied in a cliffhanger of a game with my youngest sister Janie. We had one question each left. The atmosphere in the car was electric.
I was given a tough geographical question which I had to pass on, leaving me devastated.
Janie (aged approximately 5) was then asked what noise a duck makes. I was outraged, and, to rub salt in the wound, was then disqualified for my unabated, vociferous complaints. It still upsets me to this day.
I was denied victory in the cruellest of circumstances. The confidence that victory would have given me could have led me to win "Mastermind" or even appear on "University Challenge", but I was left broken, bitter and defeated with a smouldering sense of injustice.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
05/09/2005 Deflated
My bike has been sitting in the car park at work with a puncture for the past 4 days. I can't make up my mind whether to attempt to fix the puncture or just buy a new bike. It's that tricky "back wheel puncture". Obviously, if it was a front wheel puncture there wouldn't be such a dilemna, and even someone with my limited practical skillbase could easily fix it.
I've been taking the bus. I ask for an 80p fare then put a £1 coin in the slot, making my customary 20p donation to the Edinburgh Bus Drivers' Xmas Drinks Fund. This is crazy as I have about 50 tons of loose change lying around in my flat. I have probably enough cash in loose change to buy a "round the world" flight, or even buy my own bus that I could drive myself to work free of charge, and maybe go on a holiday like Cliff Richard did and try to get off with Una Stubbs.
I'm mulling over when to get back in the stand-up saddle again. I think I might re-group, work on some new stuff and go for an October re-launch.
If someone asks me to do gigs, I'll do them but I won't go hunting them down...
I must drink less in September than I did in August. This won't be a hard objective to realise. A bit like Adolf Hitler making a New Year resolution to be "a little nicer" in future.
I watched "The Man Who Predicted 9/11" documentary. Very disappointing. I thought it was going to be about someone who had a weird, mystical vision of everything that was going to happen. Instead, it was just the story of a guy who was responsible for security in one of the towers who was very twitchy about the continuing threat to the buildings.
It wasn't exactly Nostre Damus stuff, as the towers had already been bombed in 1993 by someone taking a van into the underground car park, obviously with the intention of bringing the tower down.
What the programme was really about was using this bloke's story as an excuse to rerun all the 9/11 footage of planes crashing into buildings, people jumping from the buildings, the buildings collapsing, the panic on the ground etc etc
There's been an unwritten agreement in the past 4 years to not show these images any more on TV. At the time of the event, they were repeated over and over again hundreds of times. It became almost pornographic. I think most people felt after a while that they really didn't want to see these images any more, and the TV Networks duly obliged.
Last night was the first time I'd seen the images getting multiple showings again. I thought it was a fairly shoddy and sensationalist documentary, not worthy of Channel 4. But I still watched it. It's still all horribly mesmerising, and it reminded me of how I sat for hours gawping at the TV on the actual day, thinking that this was the end of the world.
On a more serious note, I've now decided to have a go at mending the puncture. I laugh in the face of adversity.
I've been taking the bus. I ask for an 80p fare then put a £1 coin in the slot, making my customary 20p donation to the Edinburgh Bus Drivers' Xmas Drinks Fund. This is crazy as I have about 50 tons of loose change lying around in my flat. I have probably enough cash in loose change to buy a "round the world" flight, or even buy my own bus that I could drive myself to work free of charge, and maybe go on a holiday like Cliff Richard did and try to get off with Una Stubbs.
I'm mulling over when to get back in the stand-up saddle again. I think I might re-group, work on some new stuff and go for an October re-launch.
If someone asks me to do gigs, I'll do them but I won't go hunting them down...
I must drink less in September than I did in August. This won't be a hard objective to realise. A bit like Adolf Hitler making a New Year resolution to be "a little nicer" in future.
I watched "The Man Who Predicted 9/11" documentary. Very disappointing. I thought it was going to be about someone who had a weird, mystical vision of everything that was going to happen. Instead, it was just the story of a guy who was responsible for security in one of the towers who was very twitchy about the continuing threat to the buildings.
It wasn't exactly Nostre Damus stuff, as the towers had already been bombed in 1993 by someone taking a van into the underground car park, obviously with the intention of bringing the tower down.
What the programme was really about was using this bloke's story as an excuse to rerun all the 9/11 footage of planes crashing into buildings, people jumping from the buildings, the buildings collapsing, the panic on the ground etc etc
There's been an unwritten agreement in the past 4 years to not show these images any more on TV. At the time of the event, they were repeated over and over again hundreds of times. It became almost pornographic. I think most people felt after a while that they really didn't want to see these images any more, and the TV Networks duly obliged.
Last night was the first time I'd seen the images getting multiple showings again. I thought it was a fairly shoddy and sensationalist documentary, not worthy of Channel 4. But I still watched it. It's still all horribly mesmerising, and it reminded me of how I sat for hours gawping at the TV on the actual day, thinking that this was the end of the world.
On a more serious note, I've now decided to have a go at mending the puncture. I laugh in the face of adversity.
Monday, September 05, 2005
04/09/05 A Full Working Day
We played at the Mela down Pilrig Park. It was another glorious sunny day. Unfortunately one of the 2 Indian dancers was ill and couldn't make the show, which was a pity.
Nevertheless, Nikita put in a sterling performance on her own. She's 13 going on 25, and seemed completly unfazed about performing on her own in front of thousands of people.
We had some technical difficulties with the sound, and were overall a bit wobbly. However the crowd seemed to enjoy it. I've definitely played better though!
I arrived home and was slightly alarmed to find my brother Gavin wandering about the back garden in his pants. I don't have a problem in people wearing pants in their gardens per se. However, he was visible to just about all the residents of Coates Gardens. And also, being my brother, there is undeniably something of a physical similarity between the two of us.
My worry is that Gavin could have been mistaken for me, and I now have a reputation amongst my neighbours as the weird eccentric Jim Park who routinely parades in his pants in his back garden oblivious to the consternation this flagrant display is provoking in the neighbourhood.
I'd rather be known as Jim Park the successful, hilarious stand-up comedian and local genius.
Perhaps I should place notices on lamposts in the street confirming that I was not the offending pants person. I could photocopy a few at work tomorrow, perhaps.
At night Debbie was having a posh do in which we had to dress smart, so it was on with the old suit. Another opportunity to imbibe copious quantities of Champagne was seized upon.
We then took a carpet roll down to Bruntsfield Links and watched the Fireworks. I was later subjected to another viewing of the "Scotland Today" Harvey Nichols fiasco. I still find it very difficult to watch...
It was a very enjoyable, funny soiree though, and didn't everyone look luvverly in all their finery...
Nevertheless, Nikita put in a sterling performance on her own. She's 13 going on 25, and seemed completly unfazed about performing on her own in front of thousands of people.
We had some technical difficulties with the sound, and were overall a bit wobbly. However the crowd seemed to enjoy it. I've definitely played better though!
I arrived home and was slightly alarmed to find my brother Gavin wandering about the back garden in his pants. I don't have a problem in people wearing pants in their gardens per se. However, he was visible to just about all the residents of Coates Gardens. And also, being my brother, there is undeniably something of a physical similarity between the two of us.
My worry is that Gavin could have been mistaken for me, and I now have a reputation amongst my neighbours as the weird eccentric Jim Park who routinely parades in his pants in his back garden oblivious to the consternation this flagrant display is provoking in the neighbourhood.
I'd rather be known as Jim Park the successful, hilarious stand-up comedian and local genius.
Perhaps I should place notices on lamposts in the street confirming that I was not the offending pants person. I could photocopy a few at work tomorrow, perhaps.
At night Debbie was having a posh do in which we had to dress smart, so it was on with the old suit. Another opportunity to imbibe copious quantities of Champagne was seized upon.
We then took a carpet roll down to Bruntsfield Links and watched the Fireworks. I was later subjected to another viewing of the "Scotland Today" Harvey Nichols fiasco. I still find it very difficult to watch...
It was a very enjoyable, funny soiree though, and didn't everyone look luvverly in all their finery...
03/09/05 Oh ma heid!
Not one of my most active days.
Lazed around then went out with a crowd at night to a Moroccan restaurant on Dundas St.
I don't think it was the right option. The music was deafeningly loud, and there was a bit of bellydancing going on, with a "veiled" (geddit?) threat of coercing people up to have a go at it.
I think everyone would have preferred a nice quiet mellow restaurant.
Anyway, we managed to avoid making twats of ourselves, thankfully.
The food was pretty average and overpriced for what was very basic fare.
We had a bit of banter with a very pissed hen party outside the restaurant as we were leaving. Very funny.
Lazed around then went out with a crowd at night to a Moroccan restaurant on Dundas St.
I don't think it was the right option. The music was deafeningly loud, and there was a bit of bellydancing going on, with a "veiled" (geddit?) threat of coercing people up to have a go at it.
I think everyone would have preferred a nice quiet mellow restaurant.
Anyway, we managed to avoid making twats of ourselves, thankfully.
The food was pretty average and overpriced for what was very basic fare.
We had a bit of banter with a very pissed hen party outside the restaurant as we were leaving. Very funny.
02/09/05 Ding Dong!
It's the day of my sister Janie's wedding to Max. It's a glorious
sunny day.
I'm on ushering duty and manage to cope well with the tricky tasks of issuing hymn sheets and directing the punters to the Bride or Groom side of the Church.
Max and his best man Miguel are piped in, ie they are led in by a
bagpiper, not fed in through the church plumbing.
My Dad then leads Janie up the aisle. Janie is looking radiantly
beautiful in a stunning green velvet dress.
Father Mike leads a jolly, informal service and has the assembled
masses chuckling along merrily.
The vows are taken and the rings are installed on fingers.
Outside, adhering to Italian tradition, large sugar almond sweets are thrown at the happy couple, as well as confetti. There's definitely a potential for injury here, but fortunately both are unscathed by the missiles hurled at them.
There are also a few handfuls of coins scattered for the local kids to
chase. I resist the urge to compete for the cash.
I could justify it as an understandable reaction, bearing in mind my upcoming roof repair bill. Did I mention that already? Yes I probably did.
It's then back on a chartered bus to Orocco Pier in South Queensferry.
The speeches came before the meal. A good idea in my book. It lets everyone enjoy the meal leisurely rather than shitting themselves thinking about their upcoming speech.
It was a great ,happy occasion, but there was an underlying sadness that my mum wasn't there to see it. She'd have been singing a solo in the Church, and lapping up everything about the day.
At one point, Max hesitated and choked slightly in his speech, and I knew instinctively that he was going to pay tribute to the mums, (His mum also suffered an untimely death.)
He just mentioned that "everyone thinks their mum is special" but that he had no doubt that his mum and Buddy were genuinely special people and that it was to his and everyone's great regret that they weren't there today to be part of the occasion.
That was it for me, I buckled and shed a few tears. Time really isn't a great healer. You get used to dealing with things, but when your emotions get stretched, it still all seems very raw.
He got back on a humorous track though as he wound things up.
All the speeches from Max, my Dad and Miguel were great though. A really nice balance of humour and moving sentiments.
The meal was a bit of a marathon, but extremely delicious. 8 separate courses and a continuous topping up of the ole wine glasses.
A lot of prancing around to ceilidh music followed, as well as smoking an expensive cigar. Although not inhaling. Obviously.
Back into town on the hired bus, and adhering once again to the motto "if it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing", we decide to have a last drink in the Argus Hotel on Coates Gardens, often referred to as a "Royston Vasey Theme Bar".
All in all, a top day...!
sunny day.
I'm on ushering duty and manage to cope well with the tricky tasks of issuing hymn sheets and directing the punters to the Bride or Groom side of the Church.
Max and his best man Miguel are piped in, ie they are led in by a
bagpiper, not fed in through the church plumbing.
My Dad then leads Janie up the aisle. Janie is looking radiantly
beautiful in a stunning green velvet dress.
Father Mike leads a jolly, informal service and has the assembled
masses chuckling along merrily.
The vows are taken and the rings are installed on fingers.
Outside, adhering to Italian tradition, large sugar almond sweets are thrown at the happy couple, as well as confetti. There's definitely a potential for injury here, but fortunately both are unscathed by the missiles hurled at them.
There are also a few handfuls of coins scattered for the local kids to
chase. I resist the urge to compete for the cash.
I could justify it as an understandable reaction, bearing in mind my upcoming roof repair bill. Did I mention that already? Yes I probably did.
It's then back on a chartered bus to Orocco Pier in South Queensferry.
The speeches came before the meal. A good idea in my book. It lets everyone enjoy the meal leisurely rather than shitting themselves thinking about their upcoming speech.
It was a great ,happy occasion, but there was an underlying sadness that my mum wasn't there to see it. She'd have been singing a solo in the Church, and lapping up everything about the day.
At one point, Max hesitated and choked slightly in his speech, and I knew instinctively that he was going to pay tribute to the mums, (His mum also suffered an untimely death.)
He just mentioned that "everyone thinks their mum is special" but that he had no doubt that his mum and Buddy were genuinely special people and that it was to his and everyone's great regret that they weren't there today to be part of the occasion.
That was it for me, I buckled and shed a few tears. Time really isn't a great healer. You get used to dealing with things, but when your emotions get stretched, it still all seems very raw.
He got back on a humorous track though as he wound things up.
All the speeches from Max, my Dad and Miguel were great though. A really nice balance of humour and moving sentiments.
The meal was a bit of a marathon, but extremely delicious. 8 separate courses and a continuous topping up of the ole wine glasses.
A lot of prancing around to ceilidh music followed, as well as smoking an expensive cigar. Although not inhaling. Obviously.
Back into town on the hired bus, and adhering once again to the motto "if it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing", we decide to have a last drink in the Argus Hotel on Coates Gardens, often referred to as a "Royston Vasey Theme Bar".
All in all, a top day...!
01/09/05 Mela
Spent the evening rehearsing with some samba people and Indian
dancers for a Samba/Indian fusion
performance at The Mela on Sunday.
The church hall acoustics are chronic. It feels like we're playing in a subway.
I still feel knackered all the time.
I'm not looking for sympathy though, in case that's the impression I'm giving! :-)
My illustrious brother Gavin is up staying with me, as he's in town for the upcoming Park wedding involving my youngest sister Janie.
dancers for a Samba/Indian fusion
performance at The Mela on Sunday.
The church hall acoustics are chronic. It feels like we're playing in a subway.
I still feel knackered all the time.
I'm not looking for sympathy though, in case that's the impression I'm giving! :-)
My illustrious brother Gavin is up staying with me, as he's in town for the upcoming Park wedding involving my youngest sister Janie.
31/08/05 End of the Month!
It's the end of August. Before you know it , it'll be the
beginning of September.
Who would have predicted that? It's a topsy turvy world we live in, that's for sure.
I noticed that the rhubarb is ready for harvest. It's all go...!
This Blog is deteriorating badly isn't it?
beginning of September.
Who would have predicted that? It's a topsy turvy world we live in, that's for sure.
I noticed that the rhubarb is ready for harvest. It's all go...!
This Blog is deteriorating badly isn't it?
30/08/05 You Couldn't Make It Up!
Had a lovely day at work. I also met Jeff Stewart in the street
as I cycled to work.
It doesn't get much better than that...
as I cycled to work.
It doesn't get much better than that...
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
29/08/05 Below Par
From being fairly competent at golf earlier on this year, my game has completely collapsed. Thankfully I am not in danger of winning the sheepskin jacket awarded to the player with the worst score. I had moments where I was seriously concerned though.
28/08/05 Lost Weekend
I have headed off to Auchterarder for our annual golfing weekend jaunt with the Stirling University old boys. The usual mix of talking bollocks, drinking and bad golf.
27/08/05 Ashes To Ashes
Funk to Funky
We think you're a
Cheeky Monkey
Looks like my Ashes bet is a goner. My winning streak comes to an end. £100 goes down the ole swannee. Still, never mind, my Graeme Souness “getting sacked before the end of the season” bet is looking fairly assured.
I’m still having my Russian Doll/Printing Initiatives nightmares. Every time I escape from one Russian doll, I find myself trapped in a slightly bigger one.
“Russian Dolls” could actually be the name of a Internet Marriage Agency based in Glasgow specialising in Eastern European females looking to marry west of Scotland males, (the men are probably very attractive based on the notion that they won’t live very long, and the bride-to-be will inherit their estate at a relatively early age)
We think you're a
Cheeky Monkey
Looks like my Ashes bet is a goner. My winning streak comes to an end. £100 goes down the ole swannee. Still, never mind, my Graeme Souness “getting sacked before the end of the season” bet is looking fairly assured.
I’m still having my Russian Doll/Printing Initiatives nightmares. Every time I escape from one Russian doll, I find myself trapped in a slightly bigger one.
“Russian Dolls” could actually be the name of a Internet Marriage Agency based in Glasgow specialising in Eastern European females looking to marry west of Scotland males, (the men are probably very attractive based on the notion that they won’t live very long, and the bride-to-be will inherit their estate at a relatively early age)
26/08/05 No Escape
I’ve been having a terrible recurring nightmare in which I’m trapped sleeping inside a set of Russian dolls having a nightmare about being asleep having a nightmare in which I’m tied to a chair in a meeting room and am being forced to watch the powerpoint presentation on “Printing Initiatives” over and over again, with my eyelids pinned back like what was done to Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange”.
25/08/05 Dream On
I’ve been having a terrible recurring nightmare in which I’m asleep having a nightmare in which I’m tied to a chair in a meeting room and am being forced to watch the powerpoint presentation on “Printing Initiatives” over and over again, with my eyelids pinned back like what was done to Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange”.
24/08/05 It's A Nightmare
I’ve been having a terrible recurring nightmare in which I’ve been tied to a chair in a meeting room and been forced to watch the powerpoint presentation on “Printing Initiatives” over and over again, with my eyelids pinned back like what was done to Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange”.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
23/08/05 Park's Circus Last Rites
Today we had a Powerpoint Presentation at work entitled "Printing Initiatives".
This presentation took the concept of dullness into undreamt of realms.
In a way, I was impressed, and thought that it could make an interesting Fringe play for next years' festival.
At night the "Park's Circus" crew assembled at David Bann's restaurant for a celebratory nosh up. Myself, Patrick, Tony and Jools being in attendance on this auspicious occasion,
(Matthew the techy couldn't make it)
The food was well received and the wine flowed freely.
We then went to see Jason Byrne at the Assembly Rooms. We all found him to be a big disappointment. I sat stony faced for the duration of the show. I assume he just had an off night and couldn't really get any good riffs going off the audience. It was a pity, because I was really in the mood for a right old laugh.
Unfortunately, it was all very pedestrian. I think we were all anticipating being blown away by him, but it just didn't happen.
Had a late pint at Holyrood Tavern.
This presentation took the concept of dullness into undreamt of realms.
In a way, I was impressed, and thought that it could make an interesting Fringe play for next years' festival.
At night the "Park's Circus" crew assembled at David Bann's restaurant for a celebratory nosh up. Myself, Patrick, Tony and Jools being in attendance on this auspicious occasion,
(Matthew the techy couldn't make it)
The food was well received and the wine flowed freely.
We then went to see Jason Byrne at the Assembly Rooms. We all found him to be a big disappointment. I sat stony faced for the duration of the show. I assume he just had an off night and couldn't really get any good riffs going off the audience. It was a pity, because I was really in the mood for a right old laugh.
Unfortunately, it was all very pedestrian. I think we were all anticipating being blown away by him, but it just didn't happen.
Had a late pint at Holyrood Tavern.
22/08/05 Flatlining
No electrical activity of any kind was reported in Jim Park's brain on this day, so there can be no meaningful Blog entry.
He was back at work though , and apparently was described as giving an amazingly convincing impression of someone in a persistent vegetative state.
("nothing new there then..!" Ed "Ho Ho")
He was back at work though , and apparently was described as giving an amazingly convincing impression of someone in a persistent vegetative state.
("nothing new there then..!" Ed "Ho Ho")
Monday, August 22, 2005
21/08/05 The Final Curtain
And so "Park's Circus" is no more. The last night was a bit subdued. A reasonable crowd in, but a Sunday night, hangover feel to the evening.
I was anticipating a bigger crowd as there were a lot of people who I'd thought would make it to the show at some stage, but hadn't shown up yet. But they didn't appear. Never mind. I'd rather people just came because they really wanted to, rather than out of any feeling of obligation towards me.
We had a brilliant front row last night of young orchestra musicians who were convulsed with laughter for the whole show. I'd pay good money for people like that to come to every show!
The past 17 shows have certainly been a learning experience.
The delivery has got better. I realise that it would have been a good idea to have at least one day off during the run. We're unlikely to use Roman Eagle Lodge again.
It was too murderously hot, and the venue staff have been fairly rubbish to put it charitably.
We were unlucky with the timing of reviews as the show in the latter stages of the run was immeasurably superior to the first few performances.
But it's been a great experience and I've had a hoot and a half. I'm definitely up for doing another show next year.
Back at work now. Knackered.
I was anticipating a bigger crowd as there were a lot of people who I'd thought would make it to the show at some stage, but hadn't shown up yet. But they didn't appear. Never mind. I'd rather people just came because they really wanted to, rather than out of any feeling of obligation towards me.
We had a brilliant front row last night of young orchestra musicians who were convulsed with laughter for the whole show. I'd pay good money for people like that to come to every show!
The past 17 shows have certainly been a learning experience.
The delivery has got better. I realise that it would have been a good idea to have at least one day off during the run. We're unlikely to use Roman Eagle Lodge again.
It was too murderously hot, and the venue staff have been fairly rubbish to put it charitably.
We were unlucky with the timing of reviews as the show in the latter stages of the run was immeasurably superior to the first few performances.
But it's been a great experience and I've had a hoot and a half. I'm definitely up for doing another show next year.
Back at work now. Knackered.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
20/08/05 Finishing Strongly
Another really good night. A big appreciative crowd and the show has developed a much better momentum. Having Jools as MC has transformed the show completely. She's great at getting the audience relaxed and then geeing them up.
Instead of running on and offstage doing links etc, the 3 of us can just concentrate on our stand-up routines, and it's making for a much better show.
It'd be nice to get a review of the re-vamped show.
Anyway, we are all in a cheery mood after the show going so well, and proceeded to down several pints, as is our wont of an evening.
We ended up down at the "Pear Shaped" comedy club in the Holyrood Tavern again.
We wanted to see fellow comic Richard pulsford do a spot but just missed him.
Late in the evening, I was horrified when the funster MC Brian Damage announced, "And next up is Jim Park!".
I was there strictly to watch comedy and had already imbibed about 7 pints. I proceeded to do a shambling, slurred impersonation of my material in a chaotic 5 minutes that I can vaguely remember.
I still got pretty good laughs...but I suspect they were largely out of sympathy for my plight.
I think Brian did mention at the end that he "didn't realise quite how pissed Jim was " before he invited me on stage.
It was a very nice gesture to be asked spontaneously to do a spot. I just wish I had been a little more sober.
It was a good learning experience though. I generally don't drink at all before I perform, and this fiasco was a reminder of why my policy is correct.
I suppose you could look at it as a kind of Fringe Comedian "rite of passage" to do a spot of pissed stand-up.
I'm going to try and get another spot next week and will definitely be on the soda & limes before I go on.
Instead of running on and offstage doing links etc, the 3 of us can just concentrate on our stand-up routines, and it's making for a much better show.
It'd be nice to get a review of the re-vamped show.
Anyway, we are all in a cheery mood after the show going so well, and proceeded to down several pints, as is our wont of an evening.
We ended up down at the "Pear Shaped" comedy club in the Holyrood Tavern again.
We wanted to see fellow comic Richard pulsford do a spot but just missed him.
Late in the evening, I was horrified when the funster MC Brian Damage announced, "And next up is Jim Park!".
I was there strictly to watch comedy and had already imbibed about 7 pints. I proceeded to do a shambling, slurred impersonation of my material in a chaotic 5 minutes that I can vaguely remember.
I still got pretty good laughs...but I suspect they were largely out of sympathy for my plight.
I think Brian did mention at the end that he "didn't realise quite how pissed Jim was " before he invited me on stage.
It was a very nice gesture to be asked spontaneously to do a spot. I just wish I had been a little more sober.
It was a good learning experience though. I generally don't drink at all before I perform, and this fiasco was a reminder of why my policy is correct.
I suppose you could look at it as a kind of Fringe Comedian "rite of passage" to do a spot of pissed stand-up.
I'm going to try and get another spot next week and will definitely be on the soda & limes before I go on.
Friday, August 19, 2005
19/08/05 Back of the net!!
The best night of the run. Good lively, big crowd. Jools' compering works a treat. A couple of top guest acts. Everyone else on form. Get in there!
Hopefully we can keep up this energy and performance level till Sunday night. Yee ha!
Having to go to work the next day I decided to have a quick beer at the "Castle Arms" before heading off to my scratcher.
Inexplicably, I found myself in "The Holyrood Tavern" at 3am nursing a pint of Tennent's Lager.
How did that happen?
Not my most productive day at work today really.
But hey kids! It's the weekend....!
Hopefully we can keep up this energy and performance level till Sunday night. Yee ha!
Having to go to work the next day I decided to have a quick beer at the "Castle Arms" before heading off to my scratcher.
Inexplicably, I found myself in "The Holyrood Tavern" at 3am nursing a pint of Tennent's Lager.
How did that happen?
Not my most productive day at work today really.
But hey kids! It's the weekend....!
Thursday, August 18, 2005
18/08/05 Back To Reality
Another tough night. We had about 20 in and they were hard work. I did my best to raise the energy levels, but it was a bit of a losing battle.
I'm shattered. I need to spend about 3 days in a darkened room listening to ambient music.
We had a good laugh in our post-show HQ "The Castle Arms" though.
Rebecca, our guest act for the night, was there with her friend Jeanette. It turned out that Jeanette's mum, Maureen, had given her a letter to give to Rebecca.
This contained a number of handwritten jokes that Maureen thought Rebecca "might be able to use in her act".
They were mostly inoffensive hoary old clunkers, but one joke did stand out from the rest.
It began something like "Why do women get thrush?"
"Because it gives them experience of dealing with an irritating cunt before they get married"
This brought the roof down in the pub as we speculated on Maureen the respectable 63 year old housewife in Sale, Manchester coming up with material like that!
I think Rebecca should introduce these jokes explaining the circumstances of the source of the material. It would certainly make me howl with laughter.
I am now back at work. No-one has yet commented on my show. I find this quietly hilarious. Come on....do your worst...I can take it!
4 shows left. I can see the finishing line approaching. I hope we get good comedy crowds for the weekend and finish with a flourish.
My Ashes Australia bet was looking a bit ropey this week. However the Aussies got a battling draw and it's 1-1 with 2 matches to go.
It is a lot closer than I anticipated though and could go either way.
I made £95 last night as a result of Scotland not winning in Austria and England not winning in Denmark.
I have to pay tribute to Rab "Butterfingers" Douglas in goal for Scotland. Without his timely intervention in gifting Austra an equaliser, I'd have been £200 down overall.
I'm shattered. I need to spend about 3 days in a darkened room listening to ambient music.
We had a good laugh in our post-show HQ "The Castle Arms" though.
Rebecca, our guest act for the night, was there with her friend Jeanette. It turned out that Jeanette's mum, Maureen, had given her a letter to give to Rebecca.
This contained a number of handwritten jokes that Maureen thought Rebecca "might be able to use in her act".
They were mostly inoffensive hoary old clunkers, but one joke did stand out from the rest.
It began something like "Why do women get thrush?"
"Because it gives them experience of dealing with an irritating cunt before they get married"
This brought the roof down in the pub as we speculated on Maureen the respectable 63 year old housewife in Sale, Manchester coming up with material like that!
I think Rebecca should introduce these jokes explaining the circumstances of the source of the material. It would certainly make me howl with laughter.
I am now back at work. No-one has yet commented on my show. I find this quietly hilarious. Come on....do your worst...I can take it!
4 shows left. I can see the finishing line approaching. I hope we get good comedy crowds for the weekend and finish with a flourish.
My Ashes Australia bet was looking a bit ropey this week. However the Aussies got a battling draw and it's 1-1 with 2 matches to go.
It is a lot closer than I anticipated though and could go either way.
I made £95 last night as a result of Scotland not winning in Austria and England not winning in Denmark.
I have to pay tribute to Rab "Butterfingers" Douglas in goal for Scotland. Without his timely intervention in gifting Austra an equaliser, I'd have been £200 down overall.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
17/08/05 Good Stuff!
We virtually sold out last night. That's great for a Tuesday night. I knew quite a few folk in the audience, but even allowing for that there must be a fairly good "word of mouth" going round about the show to justify that level of audience.
Our glorious sound technician didn't arrive till 9.55pm (that's showtime), causing a little unnecessary anxiety, but the show went well, and the sound system was working again!
I had another gig at the "Pear Shaped Club" at the Holyrood Tavern later on. This is viewed as potentially a tough gig as the audience (made up of a sizeable contingent of pissed up comics), can get pretty mouthy.
I started off and got a fairly decent reaction.
However, a couple of minutes in, it all went completely off. The audience were in sustained hysterics for the remainder of my set. The air safety/campbells soup stuff went down a storm.
I've honestly never had such a big reaction to my material and I found it as baffling as I did highly enjoyable.
It was just a short 5 minute set I was doing. I loved it though, absolutely loved it. The biggest high of the Fringe so far for me!
I spoke to Jaelith a promoter from Shropshire after the gig. She really liked my stuff and offered to get me work in comedy festivals she organises down south.
All in all, a good night. Sat blethering and supping lager in the Holyrood Tavern till 3.45am.
I also have to give myself a little medal for having managed to not succumb to the perils of nicotine during the Fringe. It's been sorely tempting but I've managed to resist so far!
Our glorious sound technician didn't arrive till 9.55pm (that's showtime), causing a little unnecessary anxiety, but the show went well, and the sound system was working again!
I had another gig at the "Pear Shaped Club" at the Holyrood Tavern later on. This is viewed as potentially a tough gig as the audience (made up of a sizeable contingent of pissed up comics), can get pretty mouthy.
I started off and got a fairly decent reaction.
However, a couple of minutes in, it all went completely off. The audience were in sustained hysterics for the remainder of my set. The air safety/campbells soup stuff went down a storm.
I've honestly never had such a big reaction to my material and I found it as baffling as I did highly enjoyable.
It was just a short 5 minute set I was doing. I loved it though, absolutely loved it. The biggest high of the Fringe so far for me!
I spoke to Jaelith a promoter from Shropshire after the gig. She really liked my stuff and offered to get me work in comedy festivals she organises down south.
All in all, a good night. Sat blethering and supping lager in the Holyrood Tavern till 3.45am.
I also have to give myself a little medal for having managed to not succumb to the perils of nicotine during the Fringe. It's been sorely tempting but I've managed to resist so far!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
16/08/05 Park's Circus Unplugged
Last night didn't look promising when our illustrious venue staff told us that the sound system was knackered. They thought that another production's radio mics were causing interference, but that as their show finished just before ours, they were 90% certain that the problem would then be resolved, (there was loud humming every time we tried to switch on the mic or play a CD).
Predictably, the problem wasn't resolved, so we were forced to do a performance without mics. The only other option was to cancel.
Ironically, we had probably our best gig of the run.
Everyone just came out all guns blazing, as we felt we had to make our acts bigger to compensate for the lack of amplification.
We had a really nice decent sized audience in and they lapped it all up.
I don't know whether we did or not, but that was a night that you'd really pray there was a reviewer in.
We had the adverse circumstances of the technical problems to deal with, but we overcame them and really stormed it. Spirit of the Fringe and all that kind of stuff.
Of course, knowing our luck with reviewers, it's unlikely there was one in last night.
Predictably, the problem wasn't resolved, so we were forced to do a performance without mics. The only other option was to cancel.
Ironically, we had probably our best gig of the run.
Everyone just came out all guns blazing, as we felt we had to make our acts bigger to compensate for the lack of amplification.
We had a really nice decent sized audience in and they lapped it all up.
I don't know whether we did or not, but that was a night that you'd really pray there was a reviewer in.
We had the adverse circumstances of the technical problems to deal with, but we overcame them and really stormed it. Spirit of the Fringe and all that kind of stuff.
Of course, knowing our luck with reviewers, it's unlikely there was one in last night.
Monday, August 15, 2005
15/08/05 Ho Hum
Oh well, we get a 2 star review in The Scotsman. It's a fairly lazy piece and doesn't really go into any specifics about the strengths and weaknesses of individual acts.
Whilst all the comedians are viewed as having "something to offer", we are criticised in that "their performances are not confident enough to sustain an enjoyable rapport with the audience".
It's probably fair comment for the Saturday show, as it was a pretty awkward night for all of us. Shame again, that we didn't get the reviewer on a better night, because I genuinely believe that we are worth 3 or 4 stars on the nights when we are truly kicking ass.
It's certainly true though that "inexperience" comes into play when you are dealing with a tricky audience. When everyone is laughing and it's all going well, it's a piece of piss. You're relaxed, the audience is relaxed...it's pure enjoyment.
The benefit of experience allows you to "read" the room, and adjust your act to suit that particular audience.
In the grand scheme of things though, I suppose 2 stars isn't too bad really.
A lot of comics I admire and respect at this year's Fringe have come a cropper with scathing 1 star reviews.
It's all about timing, timing, timing.
I'm not down about it though. I do genuinely believe in the show and think it's a quality piece of entertainment when everything is going well.
Even though Rudyard Kipling is, to quote Richard Herring, "a total fucking idiot", his advice about treating both triumph and disaster as imposters, is totally appropriate in this context.
There are a lot of deluded shit comics in this business who just keep plugging away blissfully unaware of the tumbleweed blowing across the stage during their acts.
I don't want to be like that. I don't think I am though.
Anyway, I'm in this for the long haul. The experience of doing the 10 shows up till now of "Park's Circus" has been a really steep learning curve for me.
I can't wait to try out my new longer set on the comedy circuit when the festival is finished.
On a more positive note I received news this morning that 3 parking tickets which I had appealed against have all been scrapped.
That's one in the eye for the evil army of commission-hungry traffic wardens who spread daily misery to the gentle residents of Coates Gardens!
Whilst all the comedians are viewed as having "something to offer", we are criticised in that "their performances are not confident enough to sustain an enjoyable rapport with the audience".
It's probably fair comment for the Saturday show, as it was a pretty awkward night for all of us. Shame again, that we didn't get the reviewer on a better night, because I genuinely believe that we are worth 3 or 4 stars on the nights when we are truly kicking ass.
It's certainly true though that "inexperience" comes into play when you are dealing with a tricky audience. When everyone is laughing and it's all going well, it's a piece of piss. You're relaxed, the audience is relaxed...it's pure enjoyment.
The benefit of experience allows you to "read" the room, and adjust your act to suit that particular audience.
In the grand scheme of things though, I suppose 2 stars isn't too bad really.
A lot of comics I admire and respect at this year's Fringe have come a cropper with scathing 1 star reviews.
It's all about timing, timing, timing.
I'm not down about it though. I do genuinely believe in the show and think it's a quality piece of entertainment when everything is going well.
Even though Rudyard Kipling is, to quote Richard Herring, "a total fucking idiot", his advice about treating both triumph and disaster as imposters, is totally appropriate in this context.
There are a lot of deluded shit comics in this business who just keep plugging away blissfully unaware of the tumbleweed blowing across the stage during their acts.
I don't want to be like that. I don't think I am though.
Anyway, I'm in this for the long haul. The experience of doing the 10 shows up till now of "Park's Circus" has been a really steep learning curve for me.
I can't wait to try out my new longer set on the comedy circuit when the festival is finished.
On a more positive note I received news this morning that 3 parking tickets which I had appealed against have all been scrapped.
That's one in the eye for the evil army of commission-hungry traffic wardens who spread daily misery to the gentle residents of Coates Gardens!
14/08/05 Sunday Sunday
A small but likeable crowd gathers for our Sunday night show. I really enjoyed it and felt very loose and relaxed.
Our guest act Rebecca almost made me fall off my stool in shock with some edgy London bombing material. It's fair to say she's become a little darker since I last saw her! Still consistently makes me giggle though.
She's in action tonight in the "So You Think You're Funny" semi-final. So, get in there, Rebecca!
We've re-vamped the format and now have the glamorous, burlesque charms of Jules linking the various acts together, rather than us swapping MC duties.
We all agree that it works a lot better....
Jules is a 5th dan Flyerer as well, and effortlessly gets the punters on the Royal Mile interested in the show.
The rest of us flyering now resembles a scene from "Dawn Of The Dead" as we assume zombie characters and lethargically explain to anyone willing to listen why our show is hilarious and unmissable...
Our guest act Rebecca almost made me fall off my stool in shock with some edgy London bombing material. It's fair to say she's become a little darker since I last saw her! Still consistently makes me giggle though.
She's in action tonight in the "So You Think You're Funny" semi-final. So, get in there, Rebecca!
We've re-vamped the format and now have the glamorous, burlesque charms of Jules linking the various acts together, rather than us swapping MC duties.
We all agree that it works a lot better....
Jules is a 5th dan Flyerer as well, and effortlessly gets the punters on the Royal Mile interested in the show.
The rest of us flyering now resembles a scene from "Dawn Of The Dead" as we assume zombie characters and lethargically explain to anyone willing to listen why our show is hilarious and unmissable...
Sunday, August 14, 2005
13/08/05 Tired and Emotional
The "Harvey Nichols" TV makeover was very funny. Iona, who works for Scottish Media Group put me forward as a suitably scruffy case in need of "transformation", and I was promised the opportunity to plug the show.
It was all done in a bit of a rush as the deadline was very tight. It was intended as a piece of light relief to counter-balance the coverage of Robin Cook's funeral.
Basically, I was shown before and after using a split-screen, with a normal scruffy Jim alongside a Gucci designer clothes wearing trendy Jim.
I was filmed coming down an escalator and had to run back up it to do a re-take.
I tripped near the top and only just avoided putting a hole in the knee of my £599 trousers. (and no, I DIDN'T get to keep the clothes! shocking!)
I was asked how I felt in my new cobber and replied ; "Well, I feel sophisticated, confident and elegant ; and I think I may wear this for my show "Park's Circus" at Roman Eagle Lodge, Venue 21 at 9.55pm", and then did a big Eric Morecambe style cheesy grin to camera.
I was then filmed leaving the shop with a dolly bird on each arm gazing lovingly into my eyes.
I watched the footage later on "Scotland Today" lying on the floor with my hands over my face. To say it was slightly cheesy is something of a huge understatement but it also was very, very funny. And thoughts raced through my head of all the people I've ever known who might have chanced upon this remarkable news story featuring me, whilst they were having their fish fingers and chips.
The show on Friday night was another fairly rough one.
We had a big stag night in and I took a large amount of pelters from them, but generally managed to give as good as I got.
I felt as though I'd done a few boxing rounds when I came offstage though.
We got a review for our Wednesday show. It was a 2 star review in the "3 Weeks" newspaper. This was unfortunate as this was by a considerable distance our least successful night. The 3 previous nights had been rocking. This night had come as something of a shock as we were confronted with a small, very unresponsive audience for the first time. The positive quote bits were "great ideas", "all were likeable" and "original and funny".
The main thrust of the criticism was that we appeared "daunted" on stage, and our "great ideas" never went anywhere. Fair enough, but a real shame they picked that night.
Saturday night was a fairly decent crowd of about 40. The Scotsman reviewer was in. Yikes. I wasn't too pleased with my performance. I was edgy after my previous night's mauling by the Stag party, and I suspect I looked a little tense on stage.
Got fairly solid laughs throughout though, (I thought).
My step-brother was in with a friend. He watched me then left immediately after my set, as he wanted to get back to the pub. Of course, this action of him leaving after my set could be misinterpreted by the reviewer, couldn't it?
Tony got a great reaction, but strangely Patrick's material didn't get it's usual intensity of laughter. Also, 3 people left just minutes before the end complaining about the heat. It is like a blast furnace in the venue. I don't blame them.
I've got a deep foreboding about what the Scotsman review will say. Again, we have been unlucky in the timing of a press visit, but hey, thems the breaks.
The review tomorrow will determine the overall success of the show.
It was all done in a bit of a rush as the deadline was very tight. It was intended as a piece of light relief to counter-balance the coverage of Robin Cook's funeral.
Basically, I was shown before and after using a split-screen, with a normal scruffy Jim alongside a Gucci designer clothes wearing trendy Jim.
I was filmed coming down an escalator and had to run back up it to do a re-take.
I tripped near the top and only just avoided putting a hole in the knee of my £599 trousers. (and no, I DIDN'T get to keep the clothes! shocking!)
I was asked how I felt in my new cobber and replied ; "Well, I feel sophisticated, confident and elegant ; and I think I may wear this for my show "Park's Circus" at Roman Eagle Lodge, Venue 21 at 9.55pm", and then did a big Eric Morecambe style cheesy grin to camera.
I was then filmed leaving the shop with a dolly bird on each arm gazing lovingly into my eyes.
I watched the footage later on "Scotland Today" lying on the floor with my hands over my face. To say it was slightly cheesy is something of a huge understatement but it also was very, very funny. And thoughts raced through my head of all the people I've ever known who might have chanced upon this remarkable news story featuring me, whilst they were having their fish fingers and chips.
The show on Friday night was another fairly rough one.
We had a big stag night in and I took a large amount of pelters from them, but generally managed to give as good as I got.
I felt as though I'd done a few boxing rounds when I came offstage though.
We got a review for our Wednesday show. It was a 2 star review in the "3 Weeks" newspaper. This was unfortunate as this was by a considerable distance our least successful night. The 3 previous nights had been rocking. This night had come as something of a shock as we were confronted with a small, very unresponsive audience for the first time. The positive quote bits were "great ideas", "all were likeable" and "original and funny".
The main thrust of the criticism was that we appeared "daunted" on stage, and our "great ideas" never went anywhere. Fair enough, but a real shame they picked that night.
Saturday night was a fairly decent crowd of about 40. The Scotsman reviewer was in. Yikes. I wasn't too pleased with my performance. I was edgy after my previous night's mauling by the Stag party, and I suspect I looked a little tense on stage.
Got fairly solid laughs throughout though, (I thought).
My step-brother was in with a friend. He watched me then left immediately after my set, as he wanted to get back to the pub. Of course, this action of him leaving after my set could be misinterpreted by the reviewer, couldn't it?
Tony got a great reaction, but strangely Patrick's material didn't get it's usual intensity of laughter. Also, 3 people left just minutes before the end complaining about the heat. It is like a blast furnace in the venue. I don't blame them.
I've got a deep foreboding about what the Scotsman review will say. Again, we have been unlucky in the timing of a press visit, but hey, thems the breaks.
The review tomorrow will determine the overall success of the show.
Friday, August 12, 2005
12/08/05 Scotland Today
This afternoon I have been asked by the STV news programme "Scotland Today" to take part in a makeover at "Harvey Nichols" store in Edinburgh.
I have been suggested by one of the researchers as being "badly in need of one".
I have been promised that I will be allowed an opportunity to plug the Fringe show.
I am acutely aware that I run the risk of making an absolute twat out of myself on national TV. However, the publicity opportunity has to be seen to justifying whatever happens.
It's on tonight... Friday 12/8 6pm....
I have been suggested by one of the researchers as being "badly in need of one".
I have been promised that I will be allowed an opportunity to plug the Fringe show.
I am acutely aware that I run the risk of making an absolute twat out of myself on national TV. However, the publicity opportunity has to be seen to justifying whatever happens.
It's on tonight... Friday 12/8 6pm....
11/08/05 Death is bad for business
I noticed that the cafe at the top of Lothian Road has closed down. It hadn't really been there that long.
The cafe premises were previously an Undertakers' Parlour. I have to say that this fact always put me off frequenting this establishment. There's not any particularly logical reason for this. The association with death just isn't a great winning formula for an eating establishment.
I can only assume that a significant number of potential customers felt the same way, hence it's collapse as a business concern.
There was a flat for rent behind "David Bann's" restaurant in St Mary St which lay available for rent for years, (btw yes, of course, I have a business involvement in this restaurant. Why not pop in during the festival? bla bla bla www.davidbann.com)
The problem with this flat was that the kitchen window gave a view of the back of another Undertakers Parlour, and a regular daily scene involved witnessing coffins being loaded and unloaded from hearses, with a monotonous regularity.
Obviously living in this flat would give you a rather uncomfortable daily reminder of your own mortality, and this consequently drastically affected its marketability.
However, there is someone living in it now.
I wonder what sort of people they are?
It was another small audience tonight, but they were all up for it, and it was enjoyable again. Looking forward to some big audiences over the weekend.
The cafe premises were previously an Undertakers' Parlour. I have to say that this fact always put me off frequenting this establishment. There's not any particularly logical reason for this. The association with death just isn't a great winning formula for an eating establishment.
I can only assume that a significant number of potential customers felt the same way, hence it's collapse as a business concern.
There was a flat for rent behind "David Bann's" restaurant in St Mary St which lay available for rent for years, (btw yes, of course, I have a business involvement in this restaurant. Why not pop in during the festival? bla bla bla www.davidbann.com)
The problem with this flat was that the kitchen window gave a view of the back of another Undertakers Parlour, and a regular daily scene involved witnessing coffins being loaded and unloaded from hearses, with a monotonous regularity.
Obviously living in this flat would give you a rather uncomfortable daily reminder of your own mortality, and this consequently drastically affected its marketability.
However, there is someone living in it now.
I wonder what sort of people they are?
It was another small audience tonight, but they were all up for it, and it was enjoyable again. Looking forward to some big audiences over the weekend.
10/08/05 The Going Gets Tough
A smaller than usual audience tonight, and by far our toughest evening.
They seemed to be enjoying the show ok as they were all sitting with broad grins on their coupons. However, this "smileyness" was rarely promoted into guffaws of laughter.
There is a problem here. The currency of stand-up comedy is laughter. Nothing else suffices. So it was a real slog getting through the show.
The guest act was John Dixon, (he and his famed "imaginary goose" friend, Gerry).
I instinctively realised from the outset that this was not his ideal audience.
I like his stuff and he really cracks me up but it's very leftfield material. Needless to say the audience were completely baffled by his machine gun delivery and obscure references. He had the cast in absolute stitches backstage though...
I was going to have a night off the beer. However, after this show we all felt like we needed a drink and proceeded to have several...
You can only really have an alcohol free post-performance if you have an average, fairly decent show. A stormer requires celebrating and a slog requires a reassuring pint or two. It's a vicious circle.
I had succumbed the previous evening to some kind of bug which left my throat raw and my nose running furiously. Luckily, it has come and gone within 24 hours.
They seemed to be enjoying the show ok as they were all sitting with broad grins on their coupons. However, this "smileyness" was rarely promoted into guffaws of laughter.
There is a problem here. The currency of stand-up comedy is laughter. Nothing else suffices. So it was a real slog getting through the show.
The guest act was John Dixon, (he and his famed "imaginary goose" friend, Gerry).
I instinctively realised from the outset that this was not his ideal audience.
I like his stuff and he really cracks me up but it's very leftfield material. Needless to say the audience were completely baffled by his machine gun delivery and obscure references. He had the cast in absolute stitches backstage though...
I was going to have a night off the beer. However, after this show we all felt like we needed a drink and proceeded to have several...
You can only really have an alcohol free post-performance if you have an average, fairly decent show. A stormer requires celebrating and a slog requires a reassuring pint or two. It's a vicious circle.
I had succumbed the previous evening to some kind of bug which left my throat raw and my nose running furiously. Luckily, it has come and gone within 24 hours.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
08/08/05 Cruising Along
We're averaging 40-50 punters a night which is good. We give a handful of freebies away every night at the youth hostel right next to the venue, and they are always used. It is definitely the only way to get these backpackers in, as they sit in the draughty old hostel bar browsing their copies of "Europe on 50 cents a Day!".
This has the effect of turning the show audience into a United Nations sample every night.
We're getting a lot of people to come in on account of our flyering as well. It does really work. It's tiring, you get fed up with people ignoring your salespitch and walking past without looking at you....but unfortunately, it does really work. So we'll have to keep doing it.
I think it helps that people recognise from the flyer that the people flyering are actually the performers in the show. We hear a lot of remarks along the lines of "that's what the Fringe is really all about..." to which we nod enthusiastically and direct them to the venue.
Tonight was definitely the best in terms of performance and audience reaction.
This has the effect of turning the show audience into a United Nations sample every night.
We're getting a lot of people to come in on account of our flyering as well. It does really work. It's tiring, you get fed up with people ignoring your salespitch and walking past without looking at you....but unfortunately, it does really work. So we'll have to keep doing it.
I think it helps that people recognise from the flyer that the people flyering are actually the performers in the show. We hear a lot of remarks along the lines of "that's what the Fringe is really all about..." to which we nod enthusiastically and direct them to the venue.
Tonight was definitely the best in terms of performance and audience reaction.
Monday, August 08, 2005
07/08/05 Cream Crackered!
I struggled to get out of bed this morning. Totally knackered.
I spent the afternoon filming The Edinburgh Samba School taking part in the Festival Cavalcade procession along Princes St.
Another sunny day. They've been doing the parade for 8 years now in a "big" way, and every day has been gloriously sunny. In terms of Scottish weather in August, that is an unbelievable statistic. The odds must be about 10 000 000 to 1 I would have thought, (at a conservative estimate)
There was a pirate theme in evidence this year, and an accompaniment by a big brass section. My intention was to film half of the parade from the float, then dismount and film the second half on the ground. The lorry usually stops now and again. However this year it just kept going continuously and it became clear that there would be no stopping.
Therefore, I had to ignore health and safety directives and jump from a moving lorry. I hope T.E.S.S. appreciate me risking my life to get some artistic shots of the parade. It all sounded great although there were the usual intermittent timing problems between the musicians on the float and the bateria. But the overall impression was great and it was by far the best float in the parade on the evidence I saw.
More flyering at night. It's a 2 for 1 deal on tickets tonight. We get an audience of 60. Patrick's compering is masterly. He has to leave early to do another gig leaving the show in the hopefully capable hands of Tony and I. It feels like a bit of a "Home Alone" situation to us. We do a spot of audience interaction and banter ourselves. It all goes really well. Katy Smurthwaite is the guest act and has me cackling heartily backstage. Tony has me in fits as he spontaneously introduces a dog ventriloquist routine into his act. We're trying to tinker with the show every day, and it's grand when a new idea goes down really well.
What will he have up his sleeve tonight? A nation holds its breath! :-)
I spent the afternoon filming The Edinburgh Samba School taking part in the Festival Cavalcade procession along Princes St.
Another sunny day. They've been doing the parade for 8 years now in a "big" way, and every day has been gloriously sunny. In terms of Scottish weather in August, that is an unbelievable statistic. The odds must be about 10 000 000 to 1 I would have thought, (at a conservative estimate)
There was a pirate theme in evidence this year, and an accompaniment by a big brass section. My intention was to film half of the parade from the float, then dismount and film the second half on the ground. The lorry usually stops now and again. However this year it just kept going continuously and it became clear that there would be no stopping.
Therefore, I had to ignore health and safety directives and jump from a moving lorry. I hope T.E.S.S. appreciate me risking my life to get some artistic shots of the parade. It all sounded great although there were the usual intermittent timing problems between the musicians on the float and the bateria. But the overall impression was great and it was by far the best float in the parade on the evidence I saw.
More flyering at night. It's a 2 for 1 deal on tickets tonight. We get an audience of 60. Patrick's compering is masterly. He has to leave early to do another gig leaving the show in the hopefully capable hands of Tony and I. It feels like a bit of a "Home Alone" situation to us. We do a spot of audience interaction and banter ourselves. It all goes really well. Katy Smurthwaite is the guest act and has me cackling heartily backstage. Tony has me in fits as he spontaneously introduces a dog ventriloquist routine into his act. We're trying to tinker with the show every day, and it's grand when a new idea goes down really well.
What will he have up his sleeve tonight? A nation holds its breath! :-)
06/08/05 Day 2 of The Fringe Show
I awoke with a bit of a dread feeling thinking about another 16 shows to go. I didn't really enjoy the first night. What was good though was that Nicky gave a very detailed critique of my act and what areas he thought could be improved upon in terms of the delivery and storytelling aspects. It's really good to have an honest appraisal and I took a lot of good pointers from our discussion.
I had an early evening slot at the Laughing Horse gig in the "Canon's Gait" bar down the Royal Mile. I decided to try a new beginning and include a brief anecdote describing my grandfather's recurring blocked toilet.
This was a smart move as it got a great reaction. It makes life so much easier if you start with a big belly laugh. It stays in the set. Hurray!
The venue was packed out, probably more than 100 people. It was great to hear that "big crowd" laugh again. I felt much looser and relaxed and remembered how enjoyable it all is when things are going well.
so from a fairly downbeat mood at the start of the day, my comedy mojo was on a high again. It's all so fickle this comedy thing.
Flyering is tough but we're getting people in on the basis of it. Patrick is undoubtedly the "Flyerers' Flyerer" and gets people interested in the show effortlessly with his blarney charm.
Tony and I have to work a little harder! Hopefully we can learn from the master throughout the duration of the show.
I enjoyed the 2nd night. Not a big crowd. 17. But they really enjoyed it and laughed heartily at all the acts.
This Fringe-ing is a great diet...I've lost 5lbs in the last week. A combination of nervous tension and walking miles around Edinburgh every day is doing the business. "The Comedy Diet". That could really take off?
I had an early evening slot at the Laughing Horse gig in the "Canon's Gait" bar down the Royal Mile. I decided to try a new beginning and include a brief anecdote describing my grandfather's recurring blocked toilet.
This was a smart move as it got a great reaction. It makes life so much easier if you start with a big belly laugh. It stays in the set. Hurray!
The venue was packed out, probably more than 100 people. It was great to hear that "big crowd" laugh again. I felt much looser and relaxed and remembered how enjoyable it all is when things are going well.
so from a fairly downbeat mood at the start of the day, my comedy mojo was on a high again. It's all so fickle this comedy thing.
Flyering is tough but we're getting people in on the basis of it. Patrick is undoubtedly the "Flyerers' Flyerer" and gets people interested in the show effortlessly with his blarney charm.
Tony and I have to work a little harder! Hopefully we can learn from the master throughout the duration of the show.
I enjoyed the 2nd night. Not a big crowd. 17. But they really enjoyed it and laughed heartily at all the acts.
This Fringe-ing is a great diet...I've lost 5lbs in the last week. A combination of nervous tension and walking miles around Edinburgh every day is doing the business. "The Comedy Diet". That could really take off?
05/08/05 Park's Circus opens!
I had a rather harassed day organising "public liability insurance" for the show. My fault. There have been so many emails relating to the show from the venue, the Fringe Society etc etc that the insurance requirement got lost in the rubble.
Thankfully we managed to arrange it that afternoon...after a struggle!
Me old mucker Nicky Hind arrived in town. He'd flown in from San Francisco for a little European jaunt and was keen to see the opening night of this comedy extravaganza. He's the elder brother of Bob Pereira Hind.
We've known each other for a long time...early in the last century...as we both had the privilege to grow up in the exciting metropolis that is South Queensferry.
Many an enjoyable evening was spent getting pissed at the famous Hawes Inn, as we irritated our mutual friends with a stream of in-jokes and relentlessly "hilarious" banter. This was where Robert Louis Stevenson wrote "Kidnapped". Yes, that is an interesting fact isn't it.
Anyway, Nicky came and helped do some flyering for us.
We had an opening audience of 13. This seemed a good omen...in a kind of "Omen"/666/Damion kind of way.
Some old academic aquaintances of mine arrived in a fairly pissed up state, and proceeded to act like an audience for the "Old Mother Goose" pantomime at the Kings Theatre. Any comedic pause was taken as an opportunity to come up with a hilarious heckle.
I was a bit disgruntled by the whole thing, but I was still pleased to see the pissed old fuckers and enjoyed a post-show beer with them in the handily located "Castle Arms".
The other notable cock up was the moment when it became clear that the audience were more lit up than the stage. I think Matthew had reversed the required house lights/stage settings. Anyway, this got a good laugh when Patrick became aware of it and mentioned he thought that the audience were doing a show.
My own performance was ropey and I went into my Metal Mickey-esque over-fast delivery again. It was my first gig for 3 weeks though (the previous 2 nights gigs I'd been scheduled to do had been cancelled afer a promoter/venue manager dispute), and having such a long gap had contributed to a stuttering display.
Thankfully we managed to arrange it that afternoon...after a struggle!
Me old mucker Nicky Hind arrived in town. He'd flown in from San Francisco for a little European jaunt and was keen to see the opening night of this comedy extravaganza. He's the elder brother of Bob Pereira Hind.
We've known each other for a long time...early in the last century...as we both had the privilege to grow up in the exciting metropolis that is South Queensferry.
Many an enjoyable evening was spent getting pissed at the famous Hawes Inn, as we irritated our mutual friends with a stream of in-jokes and relentlessly "hilarious" banter. This was where Robert Louis Stevenson wrote "Kidnapped". Yes, that is an interesting fact isn't it.
Anyway, Nicky came and helped do some flyering for us.
We had an opening audience of 13. This seemed a good omen...in a kind of "Omen"/666/Damion kind of way.
Some old academic aquaintances of mine arrived in a fairly pissed up state, and proceeded to act like an audience for the "Old Mother Goose" pantomime at the Kings Theatre. Any comedic pause was taken as an opportunity to come up with a hilarious heckle.
I was a bit disgruntled by the whole thing, but I was still pleased to see the pissed old fuckers and enjoyed a post-show beer with them in the handily located "Castle Arms".
The other notable cock up was the moment when it became clear that the audience were more lit up than the stage. I think Matthew had reversed the required house lights/stage settings. Anyway, this got a good laugh when Patrick became aware of it and mentioned he thought that the audience were doing a show.
My own performance was ropey and I went into my Metal Mickey-esque over-fast delivery again. It was my first gig for 3 weeks though (the previous 2 nights gigs I'd been scheduled to do had been cancelled afer a promoter/venue manager dispute), and having such a long gap had contributed to a stuttering display.
04/08/05 Not Long To Go Now
I went to see Richard Herring's show "Someone Likes Yoghurt" at The Pleasance. It was great stuff. Just a pity that it was a very unresponsive audience. It's nicer to be in a packed venue where the whole crowd rocks with laughter.
Nonetheless, I love his stuff. His great talent is to start from a fairly improbable piece of source material and then add layer upon layer of comic takes on it. The biggest laughs are had when he just keeps this process going way beyond the audience's expectations of the material's lifespan . Some may think that he goes on too long on single sections of the show, but I love all that.
I met up with Patrick after the show as he'd just arrived from London. We then went for a swift pint in the Royal Oak.
My upstairs neighbour and his wife came into the bar as they'd been dining in a nearby restaurant. He reads a lot of autobiographies and quoted me a few extracts from some of them, including slippery ex-newspaper editor Piers Morgan. We disagreed on a few fundamentals of what type of comedy is funny and then went on our way.
Later on I caught the BBC Stand Up show. Very strong line up. Compered by Andrew Maxwell. I'd never seen him before, but it was plain to see he is a somewhat sickeningly talented young man. I also enjoyed Lucy Porter, Simon Munnery and Andrew Lawrence.
Lucy's take on a "Bukakke" video almost made me fall off my seat laughing...
Nonetheless, I love his stuff. His great talent is to start from a fairly improbable piece of source material and then add layer upon layer of comic takes on it. The biggest laughs are had when he just keeps this process going way beyond the audience's expectations of the material's lifespan . Some may think that he goes on too long on single sections of the show, but I love all that.
I met up with Patrick after the show as he'd just arrived from London. We then went for a swift pint in the Royal Oak.
My upstairs neighbour and his wife came into the bar as they'd been dining in a nearby restaurant. He reads a lot of autobiographies and quoted me a few extracts from some of them, including slippery ex-newspaper editor Piers Morgan. We disagreed on a few fundamentals of what type of comedy is funny and then went on our way.
Later on I caught the BBC Stand Up show. Very strong line up. Compered by Andrew Maxwell. I'd never seen him before, but it was plain to see he is a somewhat sickeningly talented young man. I also enjoyed Lucy Porter, Simon Munnery and Andrew Lawrence.
Lucy's take on a "Bukakke" video almost made me fall off my seat laughing...
Thursday, August 04, 2005
03/08/05 Technical Rehearsal
Myself, Tony and our sound engineer/sambista Matthew met at Roman Eagle Lodge for the "Park's Circus" technical rehearsal. This mainly consisted of Tony and I talking bollocks into a microphone for an hour, as well as adjusting the brightness of the lights and playing some funny cds.
I'd say the event was a success. Quite what the other company in the dressing room, who were forced to listen to all this, thought of our comedy potential is entirely another matter.
Tony has engineered some very funny interactive sound effect cds which had me cackling with laughter.
It's a nice intimate space with a fairly large stage to run about on.
I'm happy with it. I think we'll get a good comedy atmosphere thing going down in it.
Matthew did cause me a brief moment of alarm when he made a reference to the "first night" being on Sunday, when it is in fact 2 days earlier than that, on Friday.
Luckily, he can still do Friday and Saturday.
I had a bit of a panic attack at work during the day as the realisation of the proximity of the first show suddenly dawned. I'd been surprisingly calm about the whole thing up till then, but now it's feeling a little more nervy jangly.
We've cunningly avoided the danger of being stale and over-rehearsed by having no rehearsals whatsoever, thus ensuring a live and dangerous feel to the proceedings.
It's been a bit tricky, what with me in Edinburgh, Tony in Glasgow and Patrick in London.
Hoever, the main body of the show is our individual stand-up routines, which we should all be reasonably familar with. The links and intros might be a bit creaky for the first couple of shows. But they're "previews"...so that's allowed isn't it?
I'd say the event was a success. Quite what the other company in the dressing room, who were forced to listen to all this, thought of our comedy potential is entirely another matter.
Tony has engineered some very funny interactive sound effect cds which had me cackling with laughter.
It's a nice intimate space with a fairly large stage to run about on.
I'm happy with it. I think we'll get a good comedy atmosphere thing going down in it.
Matthew did cause me a brief moment of alarm when he made a reference to the "first night" being on Sunday, when it is in fact 2 days earlier than that, on Friday.
Luckily, he can still do Friday and Saturday.
I had a bit of a panic attack at work during the day as the realisation of the proximity of the first show suddenly dawned. I'd been surprisingly calm about the whole thing up till then, but now it's feeling a little more nervy jangly.
We've cunningly avoided the danger of being stale and over-rehearsed by having no rehearsals whatsoever, thus ensuring a live and dangerous feel to the proceedings.
It's been a bit tricky, what with me in Edinburgh, Tony in Glasgow and Patrick in London.
Hoever, the main body of the show is our individual stand-up routines, which we should all be reasonably familar with. The links and intros might be a bit creaky for the first couple of shows. But they're "previews"...so that's allowed isn't it?
02/08/05 Tour de l'Edinbourg ("King of the Pissheads")
Cheryl was hosting a "Chilli Evening" in honour of James from Australia who was on a short visit to Scotland. He did the IT contractor malarkey as well.
The food was grand and there was a veritable tsunami of wine. Russell brought along a 5 litre monster bottle that he and Colin had bought at a charity auction.
I "hilariously" joked that Russell looked liked a "tiny wine waiter" as he cradled the gigantic vessel.
After a prolonged session of chirpy banter, I cycled back home.
I know this because, I remember cycling to Cheryl's flat, and my bike was definitely back at mine the next morning. However, I can't actually remember the journey cycling back at all. My memory has blanked this episode out.
This is very strange. I'd had a few wines and was fairly squiffy, but I wasn't too bad really. I'm sure I would have had the presence of mind to take detours through the back streets, but I can't be sure.
The next day I also found out that I'd placed a bet on a football match on Betfair.com when I got back. I can't remember doing that either!
I backed Traponzor to beat Famagusta (which they did...and I won £86).
So, I must have been fairly sober-ish to do that?
Anyway, I've now won my last 18 bets and have a made over 3 grand in the last 2 months dancing with the devil of online betting.
It obviously can't last, but it seems like easy money, (and it's tax free of course!).
I don't feel any great compulsion to bet every day. It's just generally when I spot a good opportunity, (or have drunk a lot of red wine...I'll have to get a child safety lock put on the PC).
The rules are stick to your limits, and there is a compulsory 24 hour cooling off period after a losing bet, to avoid the trap of chasing losses by making idiotic punts.
But kids, don't listen to me. I'll likely be out on the street soon, having had to sell my flat and all my possessions to meet my crippling gambling debts.
It could make a good subject for my solo 2006 Fringe show though?
The food was grand and there was a veritable tsunami of wine. Russell brought along a 5 litre monster bottle that he and Colin had bought at a charity auction.
I "hilariously" joked that Russell looked liked a "tiny wine waiter" as he cradled the gigantic vessel.
After a prolonged session of chirpy banter, I cycled back home.
I know this because, I remember cycling to Cheryl's flat, and my bike was definitely back at mine the next morning. However, I can't actually remember the journey cycling back at all. My memory has blanked this episode out.
This is very strange. I'd had a few wines and was fairly squiffy, but I wasn't too bad really. I'm sure I would have had the presence of mind to take detours through the back streets, but I can't be sure.
The next day I also found out that I'd placed a bet on a football match on Betfair.com when I got back. I can't remember doing that either!
I backed Traponzor to beat Famagusta (which they did...and I won £86).
So, I must have been fairly sober-ish to do that?
Anyway, I've now won my last 18 bets and have a made over 3 grand in the last 2 months dancing with the devil of online betting.
It obviously can't last, but it seems like easy money, (and it's tax free of course!).
I don't feel any great compulsion to bet every day. It's just generally when I spot a good opportunity, (or have drunk a lot of red wine...I'll have to get a child safety lock put on the PC).
The rules are stick to your limits, and there is a compulsory 24 hour cooling off period after a losing bet, to avoid the trap of chasing losses by making idiotic punts.
But kids, don't listen to me. I'll likely be out on the street soon, having had to sell my flat and all my possessions to meet my crippling gambling debts.
It could make a good subject for my solo 2006 Fringe show though?
01/08/05 A Blogger's work is never done
Yes, it does become more difficult to to Blog AND work at the same time. What a lightweight! I know...I know...I know....
Talking of weight, since I started cycling a lot, I've lost 3 pounds, (although I've also nearly been killed about 20 times...but hey, it's worth it!)
Since I stopped smoking (yes still abstaining, as I approach the classic ex-smoker's "Beechers Brook", ie doing a show on the Fringe), I have been putting on the lard with reckless abandon.
So much show that the "3 man show" we're doing was on the verge of becoming a "4 man show". Anyway, it's good to see the scales going into reverse. And I expect all the running about during the Fringe, the nervous tension etc etc should ensure that I'm down to 9 stone by the end of August.
Edinburgh is starting to jam up already.
A lot of new traffic restrictions have been implemented since last years' festival.
It's going to be total gridlock. If you want my advice don't even think about bringing your car anywhere near the city centre for the next 3 weeks.
Talking of weight, since I started cycling a lot, I've lost 3 pounds, (although I've also nearly been killed about 20 times...but hey, it's worth it!)
Since I stopped smoking (yes still abstaining, as I approach the classic ex-smoker's "Beechers Brook", ie doing a show on the Fringe), I have been putting on the lard with reckless abandon.
So much show that the "3 man show" we're doing was on the verge of becoming a "4 man show". Anyway, it's good to see the scales going into reverse. And I expect all the running about during the Fringe, the nervous tension etc etc should ensure that I'm down to 9 stone by the end of August.
Edinburgh is starting to jam up already.
A lot of new traffic restrictions have been implemented since last years' festival.
It's going to be total gridlock. If you want my advice don't even think about bringing your car anywhere near the city centre for the next 3 weeks.
Monday, August 01, 2005
31/07/05 Someone Likes Yoghurt
Someone Likes Yoghurt
As I'm involved in a show myself this year, my opportunities for Fringe-going are more limited than usual.
However, I'm going to make a point of catching Richard Herring's show "Someone Likes Yoghurt".
I've been following his Blog "Warming Up" for the past few months (read it here).
He's written a blog entry for every day over the best part of 3 years, and it is the most consistently funny Blog I've ever come across,(in fact it was the inspiration for my own attempt at Blogging).
There's a supreme comic intelligence at work here, and reading his Blog has become part of my daily routine.
It's a measure of how good it is that I get very irritated when a few days go by without a new entry. However, this is a wholly inappropriate complaint, as the man is churning out all this entertainment for nothing. He deserves a medal.
It's been fascinating to see how the material for the show has been constructed through his takes on often the most unlikely of source material.
His previous Fringe shows "Christ On A Bike", "Talking Cock" and "The 12 Labours of Hercules Terrace" were all outstanding, but I think this one is going to be really special.
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