28/08/07 Ho Hum

I was watching a great play on BBC2 last night ; Gregory Burke's "Black Watch".
It was very cleverly directed and Burke's written dialogue was fantastic.
He has accurately captured the language of "Fife working class male" in all it's foul mouthed glory.
It'd be fair to say he makes Irvine Welsh sound like PG Wodehouse.
The play certainly contained the greatest intensity of "cunts" on television in the history of broadcasting...
Or, at least since the last Conservative Party Conference (aye thang u!)
The play didn't say anything particularly groundbreaking ; just pointing out that Scottish working class people have been the mainstay of the British Empire for the last 300 years, and that little has changed...and that basically, war is shit, and the campaign in Iraq is a questionable venture.
But it was still great to watch, and will certainly shake anyone up who was under the impression that military life is accurately reflected by the Soldier Boys featured in "Trumpton".
I rounded off my Fringe stand-up with a real belter of a gig at The Stand in Glasgow.
Nice to finish on a high.
In terms of being part of the "Free" Fringe, I'm not sure if I'd do it again.
As of last year I didn't get a review, which is a pain as one of the main reasons behind doing the Fringe is trying to get a bit of recognition and get a little further up the ladder.
But in spite of this disappointment, the Fringe gives you the opportunity to do loads of gigs in a concentrated period of time, and by doing so get better at the stand-up game.
There have been a lot of great acts on at the Free Fringe/Festival, but I get the impression that the media remain unconvinced.
Loads of shows haven't been reviewed at all, and I know a lot of people in out-of-the- way venues who have had pitiful audiences and have found the whole experience very dispiriting.
We were lucky because our venue was so central and we had big crowds every day.
In the olden days The Scotsman used to attempt to review every show on the Fringe ; but this is no longer viable...
There were 600 comedy shows alone on at the Fringe...
I wonder what percentage of them got a review?
Reviewers no doubt enjoy the privileges of getting freebie tickets for expensive shows and probably won't be as enthusiastic to trawl around all the Free shows...
But don't get me started on reviewers....!
The Fringe thrives on reviews and will always need them, but there have been so many complete plonkers who have wrongly been given the license to determine whether someone has a good or a bad festival...
I think it's fair to say that if you're wanting to use the opportunity of doing the Fringe for career advancement you're going to have to splash the cash and book a spot at one of the bigger established venues.
So anyway, I symbolically crushed a packet of fags and chucked them into the bin, and I am now "on the wagon" for a while as well, perpetuating the classic yo-yo lifestyle regime (debauched then pure then debauched etc)

17/08/07 More Fringe

I am definitely enjoying this Fringe miles more than the other two which I've been involved in performing.
The "Free Mouseketeers" show went really well after a shaky start, and on a personal level I feel I've improved a lot over the run. At last (I think) the delivery is doing the material justice.
Afternoon comedy audiences can be very tough to get going, and we've certainly had to work hard all week...
Top Aussie comic Greg Fleet came to see the show on Monday and then gave us a nice recommendation on Radio 4.
I also had a great gig at a "Pick Of The Fringe" evening at The Stand in Glasgow last Thursday...
The Comedy Mojo is high at the moment, but as I am all too painfully aware, this status can adjust dramatically at any moment.
I did do an ill-advised late night 5 minute spot after downing a couple of jugs of Margharita cocktails, but we won't say any more about that...
Some comedians thrive on alcohol.
I don't...I turn into a giggling version of Dads Army's Private Godfrey.
A few random Fringe thoughts?
I was strangely impressed to see Celtic manager Gordon Strachan at a Daniel Kitson gig.
I felt like going up to him and shaking his hand and saying "Well done!"
I had a good gig at Canon's Gait last night.
It doesn't seem as busy a venue as in previous years though. I guess the expansion of the "Free" concept has had something of a dilution effect on individual venues.
There was the statutory drunken yappy old lady in attendance.
I came out with what I thought was a quite funny off-the-cuff quip ;
"People at the Fringe generally have a drink between shows, but I get the impression you're seeing a show between drinks"
(ok, not brilliant, but it got a big laugh)
Before I went on I chatted to a comedian who was doing a show at the same venue as me.
He mentioned that his show was getting filmed on Monday.
"Good luck with that!" I said
"Fuck off! It's nothing to do with luck mate!" he said
"Well, when I say "Good Luck", I'm just hoping the show goes well and you get a good audience" I said
"Fuck off mate! There's no such fucking thing as a "bad audience". It's up to you as a performer to energise the room whoever is in there..." he said
"Some audiences are basically "Cunts Conventions" I opined.
"That's rubbish mate" he said
etc etc etc
Now, there is definitely an element of truth in what he is saying about never blaming the audience and always look at yourself first for criticism.
However, there is luck involved in the Fringe...
A great audience, a great performance (coinciding with the presence of a reviewer)..
You need a little good fortune to have all these things happen simultaneously doncha?
Anyway, I thanked him for the 15 minute lecture, made my excuses and left...

13/08/07 And They're Off....

Well the show kicked off on Saturday...
The place was absolutely jammed, but it was ultimately a disappointing show.
The audience were very flat and we didn't really get them going.
I suppose ideally it would have been better not to start the run on a Saturday and have a quieter gig just to run through the show and get up to speed.
I'd only met the other comics in the show on the previous night,so it was largely an experimental format.
Anyway,we decided to change a few things around for Sunday's gig.
I was to do a short opening slot to gee the audience up and get the energy in the room going a bit more.
I loved doing that...probably because it's such a departure from my usual stage persona.
It was 5 minutes of shouty nonsense,culminating in ripping off Rick Molland's trademark Jekyll & Hyde "Mexican wave". (I'm sure he won't mind)
It definitely made a significant difference to the show,and we all had a miles better reaction than the Saturday.
Woo hoo!
I've been to see a few shows...
Richard Herring - excellent as usual
Daniel Kitson - excellent as usual (although I slightly regretted going to see him the day before my show started, as I felt incredibly inferior in comparison)
Rich Hall - hilarious,but heinously expensive
Phil Nicol - jawdroppingly fantastic
I've also seen possibly the worst sketch show I've ever seen,and I saw a comic Andrew Watts in a show called "Late Starters" reduce me to tears of laughter...
I've been going to see a few shows with Cheesy McLoughlin who is up visiting for a couple of days.
In terms of type of laughter,Cheesy is a "snorter".
He has the most infectious laugh of anyone I've ever known,and when he goes off on a snorting fit,he takes me with him and I'm often in great physical pain through laughing.
Any comic would kill to have someone like that in the audience.
He also sets off chains of other people laughing.
He's not indiscriminate though...;it has to be really funny to get him going...but once he's off...pow!!!
Anyway, so far it's been 2 full houses and I've only done about 10 minutes flyering
in total...
This is good.

09/09/07 Fringe

Well, it's the Fringe again and I'm currently limbering up for the show I'm involved in which kicks off on Saturday 11th August at 5.15pm at the Jekyll & Hyde bar in Edinburgh which goes under the monicker of "The Free Mousketeers".

My whole attitude to doing a show at the Fringe has drastically altered from my wide eyed enthusiasm of my debut at this event in 2005.
I am a tired old cynic this time round...
Thankfully the venue is so central and well located that a minimum level of flyering is required...
Audience numbers have been very strong for this week's Mouseketeer show in the same slot (with 3 different comics).
Hopefully they will get a great review at the end of their run and we will get the benefit of it in audience numbers next week...!
Hey,one thing I've learnt is that nothing in comedy is fair...If you get a break,just take it...
Mind you,if they get a stinker of a review....??? (but I'm sure they won't...it's a good show and is working really well)
Interesting Fringe moments?
A comedian I know chatted to me in a bar for a few minutes then left me with a flyer for their show...
The comedian then returned 15 minutes later to find I'd made a rather cute paper aeroplane out of the aforementioned flyer...
That was a bit embarassing...
I was stopped on the street twice yesterday by people asking me for money.
They both asked me for a pound.
I am shocked at this example of begging hyper-inflation.
It seems absolutely everybody increases their rates exponentially at Festivaltime in Edinburgh.
I was chatting with a fairly famous comedian who'd had a four star, a five star and a one star review in the same day.
It became clear that the annoyance of the one star review very much outweighed the satisfaction of the other two great reviews.
I was surprised.
I thought the reaction would be "Fuck it...who cares?"
The chances are that the review was written by some spotty journalism undergraduate who has probably never been to a comedy club in their life and who is desperately trying to stand out from the pack by slaughtering an established comedian with a shitty little petulant review.
The review system is all bollocks and it's crazy that people should become so obsessed with this stupid "star" system, but that's the way it is...
I also had a bit of a chuckle at a few shows' reviews on www.edfringe.com
The site allows audience members to submit reviews...
Of course,this means that people actually involved in shows (or family and friends) can also submit ludicrously fawning, OTT reviews.
However,the right technique is not to go mental and say things like "the funniest show I've ever seen in my life" or "Jim Park is a comedy genious without peer"...
Just be positive overall,but maybe make a couple of minor criticisms to disguise the fraudulent nature of your contribution...
(I did this 2 years ago but now view the devious act as fundamentally pointless)
Some shows have got loads and loads of transparently "friendly reviews"...I feel embarassed for them...
This is pointless...the great British public aren't going to fall for this...in fact I'd say it would make me less likely to go and see a show...
Oh,and I said hello to Nina Conti...she is stunningly attractive,not that there's anything wrong with that.
It's good to meet a lot of fringeys,but it's not so good to speak to people who just drone on and on about their show and their experiences bla bla bla and fail to realise that the best conversations usually include contributions from more than one participant...
Call me old fashioned...
Yes I'm a fan...but Richard Herring's show was awesome and I heartily recommend it...the boy is a genius...
I turned out for the Chortle Comic's football match today...great stuff...I met the legendary Chortler Tony Cowards...
He asked me if I was Jim Hobbit...
I told him I wasn't...

06/08/07 Back

I've been away in sunny Spain on holiday...
I had a lovely time even though it was murderously hot...(knocking on the door marked
"40 degrees"...Scottish people can only survive for a limited time in that climate)
But hey,you don't want want to hear about "lovely times"...you want to hear about disasters, quirky Spanish happenings and that sort of malarkey...
One of the enduring memories of the holiday stems from a visit we took to a festival going off in a small town near where we were based...
As we walked along checking the " fairground attractions",there was nothing initially unusual...
There was candy floss, kiddies roundabouts, a bouncy castle....
But then we came across a roundabout which was unusual in the sense that it had real ponies attached to the mechanisms.
The operator would switch on the machine which would guide the attached ponies round in circles for the prescribed period...
"That's something you don't see every day!" I thought to myself...
Would they allow this in the UK? Hmmmm.....probably not!
I was also interested to see the old "throw a ping pong ball in a goldfish bowl and win a goldfish" stall...
I think offering creatures as prizes was outlawed in Britain about 25 years ago...
(I'm not sure about the exact date...but it is a while for sure)
The piece of resistance though was the fact that the goldfish were actually currently living in the bowls which you had to try and throw the ping pong balls in...
Hopefully, their limited short term memory will ease the trauma of having your house constantly bombarded by big white balls...
At least we used to have the sensitivity to have empty goldfish bowls to aim at,and
kept the fish in smart little plastic bags...
We are a nation of animal lovers...
More adventures tomorrow!

18/07/07 And Today In The Gallery

In this picture we see a ruthless, psychopathic alien hellbent on global conquest, but who unfortunately has trouble getting up stairs....

and behind Dave Reilly, is a Dalek.....

Aye thang u!

Sorry Dave...!! (who wrote this shit? Ed.)

17/07/07 Jings!

I was walking along George Street in Edinburgh and I heard this really loud shitty music blasting away.
I presumed there must be a pop group of dubious merit parading their wares in the environs of Princes Street Gardens.
I was then surprised to realise that the din was being emitted by a biker via his in-house music system on a Harley Davidson motorbike.
I've got to hand it to him...this was definitely raising anti-social twattery to art form status.
It was amusing to see him create a mexican wave of scowls from pedestrians as he passed them driving along George Street.
The punch line of this anecdote is that he was of course wearing a fucking crash helmet...!
ie he's protecting his own ears from this hideous racket, but inflicting the full unprotected version on the Great British Public.
I ask you...!
In terms of appropriate behaviour, it's like walking into an exam hall and singing "Muletrain", punctuating it by banging a tray off your head, and then adopting that pose favoured by Latino footballers when they protest their innocence to the referee.
Scotland's health record is appalling...I had some ideas to alleviate the sorry mess we are in ;

Have a special "Scottish Prize" in the National Lottery draw, whereby if you get 2 numbers, you win a single piece of Broccoli.

Super Casinos should be created in Scotland.
However punters would be allowed to use real deep fried chips for betting purposes.
Assuming most punters lose, this would drastically cut down the number of chips available for consumption and would thus go a long way to promoting a healthier diet for Scottish people.

I'd also like to propose a ban on eating smoked fish in an enclosed area.

Loved "The Thick Of It" on TV at the weekend, full of incendiary one-liners and gloriously creative swearing.
It's like "swearing jazz"...
A couple of favourite lines ;
(on a rumour)
"It's spreading faster than a rent boy's cheeks"
"you're about as secure as a hymen at a South London comprehensive..."

Also, a nice quote from Patt Morrison of the LA Times on Victoria Beckman's current excruciating profile-raising campaign Stateside...

"If you're looking for rich, we've got Paris Hilton, and if you're looking for thin blondes, if you fire a cannon in Beverly Hills, you hit 100 of them.
It's a very competitive market, even for a Beckham."

I've been wondering to myself what the view of the Cherokee Jeep directors is regarding the recent surge in brand awareness they've experienced as a result of the botched Glasgow Airport terrorist attack.
I mean, you can't say it's bad publicity as such, can you?
Whereas 9/11 put people off flying, things like this don't put people off driving, so there's no real downside for the "featured" manufacturer.
I suppose the company could take pride in that the terrorists would obviously choose what they perceived as a very reliable vehicle.
It would be really embarassing if the clutch cable snapped on the way to a terrorist attack, as happened several times with my unlamented Renault 11, (I should point out I was coming back from shopping rather than being involved in a terrorist attack)
Perhaps Cherokee Jeep could capitalise on this Al Qaeda endorsement?
"Jeep Cherokee! The car to be seen dead in!"
"The drive of your death!"

Anyway, on a more serious note, I think they should ban these gas cylinders that all these would-be car bombs were stuffed with...
It would make life much harder for the terrorists if they had to use charcoal briquettes instead...

14/07/07 At The Movies

I went to see "La Vie En Rose" yesterday.
It's a film on the life of Edith Piaf, in case you didnae ken.
I wasn't that impressed initially.
The timeline jumped about a lot, maybe occasionally unnecessarily.
It looked like a fairly bog standard biopic, suffering from the traditional fault of a lot of French cinema, "style over substance".
I guffawed at the saintly, hearts-of-gold portrayal of the prostitutes who looked after the young Edith for a few of her formative years...
But in spite of my misgivings, the film was saved by a mesmerising performance by Marion Cotillard in the title role.
Also, there were a few moments where the highly charged emotional impact was akin to a punch in the stomach.
I shed a few tears..! (Mind you, it's not really a big ask for this to occur with me these days...Christ, I'm turning into the Sir Dickie Fucking Attenborough of Scottish Comedy).
I should point out that I was fairly composed compared to the two females in the row behind, who were sobbing uncontrollably as the titles came up.
I bought a putter on Ebay a couple of weeks ago, (I am cool).
It seemed like a great bargain, as the normal price for a putter like this was 100 quid.
This one was 20 quid! (plus 20 for postage).
When it arrived a couple of days ago, I was surprised to see a Chinese postmark on it.
It had come a long way!
However, when I inspected my purchase, it didn't look quite right...
I think it's fair to say that it appeared as though it had been constructed by someone in a remedial metalwork class at school.
It's something I might have come up with.
I was notoriously shit at metalwork at school.
After my drunken cigarette-smoking antics on Tuesday night after a successful Black Bo's comedy night, I have up till now avoided all traces of cigarettes and alcohol.
I feel great, I've been very productive ; churning out loads of new material ideas, getting things done that I'd been putting off for ages, I feel I have loads of extra energy....
I've been waking up without hangovers...it's great...!
However, I know that at some point I will re-aquaint myself with those addictive poisons and thus continue the cycle...
Maybe I shouldn't?
(who do I think I'm kidding?)

12/07/07 New Cheese

Congratulations to Cheesy McLoughlin (pictured)and Sam on the birth of their son Daniel.
Cheesy is coming up from England to the Fringe for a quick visit to see my show.
2 years ago Cheesy said my show was "better than I thought it was going to be", (great quote for flyers).
Last year he thought the show was "better than last year" (again, an excellent flyer quote)
A nation holds its breath as we wait to hear his pronouncement on this years production.
It will be reported in full on this Blog.
I am a free man again.
Finishing off my IT contract last Friday, I slapped my ID card on to the receptionist's desk, and as I always do at the end of contracts, deliver my line
"My work here is done..." in a halting Robocop style, before walking out the doors.
The receptionist laughed...
After the catastrophic gig in Glasgow, any laughs are gratefully received.

It's good to be free, although I'm not looking forward to the routine of wearing a formal business suit every Friday.
It's a tiresome chore, but I feel it's absolutely essential to make a visible distinction between the downtrodden workforce tugging their forelocks at "The Man", and bohemian people of leisure such as myself.
Last night at Black Bos was great.
The pub was pretty jammed and all the acts did well.
It feels like a proper little comedy club now, and everybody there had come specifically to see the comedy.
In some of the early shows, people were a little startled to see a comedy night suddenly spring up when they were out having a quiet drink.
I kept my MCing fairly brief and joke orientated to ease myself back into the swing of things after the Glasgow debacle.
The thing is, in spite of repeating to oneself ahost of comedy cliches like "you learn more from your bad gigs than your good ones", "treat triumph and disaster both as imposters", "take it on the chin and move on" etc etc, there is still an element of confidence which gets chipped away, and there's an undercurrent of trepidation when your subsequent comedy outing comes around.
It was all ok though...I feel better now.
I had this idea of forcing my pet chipmunks to inhale helium as an experiment.
Based on the negative multiplication mathematical theorem, I would expect them to commence speaking like Sean Connery or Lee Marvin.
Unfortunately they exploded.
I don't really have pet chipmunks and I don't support animal cruelty,so please don't firebomb my house.
I got a bit pissed and smoked cigarettes till 3.00am.
I am an arse.

05/07/07 Thanks For The Memory

I was saddened to hear today of the death of George Melly.
I wasn't a great fan of his music, but I still regard him as a legend.
This principally stems from the following incident.
When my friend Mitch was a young boy, about 12 I think...he spotted George in a street in Edinburgh.
He ran up to him and said excitedly "Are you George Melly?"
George replied "Fuck Off!"
Although, I wasn't there, the imagined vision of Mitch's shocked expression retains an unerring capacity to make me laugh, and has done for many years.
It also leads me to remember another incident 10 years later when Mitch noticed Jimmy Boyle entering a restaurant ahead of him and some pals.
"that's Jimmy Boyle" someone whispered to Mitch.
"Go and ask him for a fight!" Mitch whispered back.
However, this was more of a "stage whisper" delivery from Mitch and was heard clearly by Jimmy B., who gave Mitch a fantastic glower of withering intensity.
I'd like to think that if ever I became sufficiently famous and found myself in The "George Melly" role, I would also reply with a resounding "Fuck Off!".
Ok, you run the risk of upsetting and traumatising a small child ; however the friends of the small child will rejoice in the anecdote and it will be the source of much laughter in the years ahead.
Perhaps on the the child's friends will write about it in an Interweb Blog in the future?
I was very flattered to receive a recommendation for my Blog from Mark Nelson in his blog which you can read here.
I remember seeing Frankie Boyle a few years ago at The Stand when he was starting out, and was immediately struck by the quality of his writing and how it elevated him way above all the other new comedians I'd seen around that time.
I get the same gut feeling about Mark's writing.
And hey, he's the current "Scottish Comedian of the Year", so I'm not alone.
Go see him!

02/07/07 Like A Bad Night In Baghdad

So I had an interesting gig in Glasgow on Saturday night.
It's probably fair to say that my welcome in the West was comparable to that accorded
to the two gents in the Cherokee Jeep who decided that the existing short term car park at Glasgow Airport wasn't quite close enough for their liking to the Check In desks.
With hindsight, I did make a severe error of judgement by going ahead with using the inner voice/backing tape intro thing.
If I'd been thinking straight, I'd have observed that the way the crowd reacted to the first act strongly suggested that they'd not go for this weird intro at all.
In addition, I had a technical hitch with the CD and had to stand about onstage for a couple of minutes assuring an already sceptical audience that I would be "hilarious" once I got started.
It's often stressed in comedy land how important a strong opening to your act is.
It gets the audience comfortable and immediately onside, and buys you time to get up and running.
Unfortunately, I was getting booed and heckled within a couple of minutes of launching my unusual intro.
At this point, I get the feeling that the audience made a collective decision to refrain from laughing at any of my subsequent "jokes".
I wouldn't want you to think that I was blaming the audience for my own shortcomings, but most objective observers would probably conclude that there was a substantial quota of mentalist morons present amongst the assembled comedy crowd.
They didn't really give any of the acts a lot of respect, but I definitely copped the worst of their wrath!
I ended up overrunning and doing a 25 minute set.
When you're constantly being interrupted it's impossible to tell how long you've been doing, as your usual material/time markers are all over the place.
I should remember to look at my watch before I go on stage.

I tried to win them over by suggesting that according to recent scientific research, people in Glasgow have smaller brains than their counterparts in Edinburgh and are subsequently less able to appreciate the nuances of sophisticated comedy.
I also mentioned that they were bitter over Edinburgh status as capital of Scotland.
(of course I am a Glaswegian myself and obviously refute these suggestions, but playing the snobby Edinburgher seemed the best way to wind them up)
These are sophisticated heckler put downs though, aren't they?
(I know...I know...I know....must try harder! ho ho)
Unfortunately, all this didn't seem to help matters at all.
It just turned into a war of attrition type shouting match.
I've never experienced a reaction like that in any gig anywhere...
I even had some people walk out!
I have to say that on a strange masochistic level I really enjoyed it...
I'm sure it's ultimately "character building"...
Bizarrely, some of my worst hecklers told me afterwards they'd actually really enjoyed it...

It's fascinating to see your friends eyes light up when you tell them you've just had a fairly catastrophic gig...
It obviously makes a far more interesting story than hearing about how well I did the week before...
People are bastards. (apart from me, obviously)
I think that is the motto of today's piece.

This is my all-time favourite sketch from "Absolutely"....

30/06/07 Person Of The Day

hats off to Scottish TV's Dominik Diamond...!






I was watching the pageantry surrounding todays televised opening of the new session of the Scottish Parliament today in Edinburgh.
Dominik Diamond, to my enormous amusement and astonishment, commented live on television that the parade on the Royal Mile to mark the event was "scabby and low rent...!".
I'd have to agree with him...
It was reminiscent of a Gala Day in a hick West Lothian town...
And let me tell you something, I may not know a lot, but what I don't know about Gala Days in hick West Lothian towns isn't worth knowing....
If only this brutal honesty could continue in broadcasting...!
Sadly, STV will be inundated by complaints over Diamond's "graceless" and "insulting" remarks, and he will be effectively barred from live broadcasts of this nature for being a little too much of a loose cannon.
You'd think that in light of the fact that the wole building cost 400 miliion quid, that they'd have a slightly higher tech, spectacular session opening ceremony.
Maybe they're just paranoid about being seen pissing more money away?
It's a shame...
Last night I won the "worst dressed player" award at the annual 5-a-side awards ceremony for the 5th year in a row.
I am very proud...
As is tradition we met in a pub which I would have to describe as "low rent and scabby"....
The inhouse music pumping out the speakers was gruesome...
As I approached the pub, I couldn't help noticing a man standing in the "smoking area" (marked by a parasol and gas heater), was having an al fresco piss...
The downstairs trip to the toilets was obviously a little too daunting a journey for him...
Immediately, one thinks "classy"....
I could find no explanantion amongst the assembled guests of why we go to this pub, other than "we always come here for the awards ceremony"...
Tradition, huh? It's a weird one isn't it....
Let's go somewhere else next year...Please!

26/06/07 Technological Breakthrough!

We have the technology...!
There is now a downloaded recording of me doing a short set at The Stand on Sunday.
It's on the home page....

25/06/07 Art And Things

While I was down in London last week, I checked out the exhibition of graduates work at Goldsmith College.
There was some fantastic stuff on display ; it's really inspirational to see such a concentration of fresh creative talent.
The artist that really caught my eye was Simone Pereira Hind (see above picture)...some great arresting images. See some more here.

Back in Scotland, I had the more sombre task of attending the funeral of an old friend of mine, Kai Davidson
Sadly, I hadn't seen him for ages, but I felt privileged to hear tribute after tribute to him from a range of friends and relatives at a packed crematorium.
He'd obviously touched a lot of people's lives in a very positive way.
I liked the music choices of "Blitzkreig Bop" and "Ace of Spades"...very apt...

I had a good gig at The Stand last night in Glasgow.
Frankie Boyle was headlining and the show was a sellout.
(I'm assuming that's mainly down to Frankie, but who knows...maybe my popularity in weegie land has soared?)
Anyway, I recorded it and will stick it on the web site this week...
It's an interesting exercise..it certainly doesn't sound like how I hear myself doing it...weird...!
I did almost have a fit of giggles in the dressing room at one point.
There was a few of us just sitting there, not talking...with Michael Redmond amongst us with his trademark hangdog expression.
It was uncannily reminiscent of a scene from the Father Ted episode "Entertaining Father Stone".
I didn't mention it though because I'm sure Michael is heartily sick of talking about it.

21/06/07 "The Nights Are Fair Drawing In..."

I was walking across a pelican crossing today behind a female, probably in her 40s, who was wearing a colourful skirt, somewhat reminiscent of the splash of colour you'd associate with Joseph and his much talked about coat.
A matronly Edinburgh lady, probably in her 50s, was walking across in the opposite direction.
As they passed each other, the older female smiled at the younger female and exclaimed "Ooooh! What a lovely skirt!", pausing briefly, before continuing across the road.
I can't imagine a man doing this to another man, and it got me thinking that maybe I could construct a hilarious new comedy routine based around the fundamental differences between men and women...?
It could be a winner, and might lead to me getting higher profile gigs!
I wondered whether the older woman was just an uninhibited, free spirit type who just spontaneously expresses her views on things, or whether she was a mentalist...
I'll never know...
I was off for a swim today and in the pool car park met a couple of friends of mine with their 3 year old newly adopted son who I was meeting for the first time.
It was delightful to see the parents and child laughing and joking, very much at ease with each other...
I felt good...
But then I suddenly remembered that tonight I'm appearing at evil Rick Molland's comedy club "Heresy", and was once again reminded that the world is in actual fact a soulless vaccuum of evil and despair.
"Heresy" is a cesspit of excrement and general nastiness, and doing the front crawl through it with a malevolent grin, is Mr Molland himself...rejoicing in his nihilism and god baiting antics...
It's a great club though, so come along if you think you're warped enough....

I was shocked to find my jacket missing from my locker after I emerged from the pool...!
I alerted the staff and a good 30 minutes was spent scouring the changing area, and checking with other pool users if they'd seen anyone interfering with my locker.
I gave a full description of my jacket then headed off cursing my ill fortune.
It turns out I shouldn't really have been shocked to find my jacket missing from my locker, as I'd actually left it in the car.
I am an arse.

18/06/07 bla bla bla

Haven't updated this for a while. Shoddy!
I have had quite a few gigs recently. They've all gone really well, but hey, you know..."triumph and disaster", they're both bastards so I'm not making any rash assessments.
I had a couple of gigs at the Leith Festival AND got interviewed by Leith FM.
I am living the fucking dream! so there...!
I was at Edinburgh Airport on Saturday, bleary eyed at 8am on my way down to London for the weekend.
As is often the case, the airport bar was filled with travellers quaffing pints.
I'm always mystified by this...
A pint of lager at 8am...why???? It is so wrong...on so many levels...
I'm not being moralistic or anything...
14 hours later I was pissed as a fart at a charity auction dinner for the Kew Park Rangers football club in London...
But why drink pints at 8am...
Is it just because the bar is open...a kind of Scottish "Pavlov's Dogs" situation?
Is it fear of flying?
I felt like going round the bar interviewing people and asking them what it was all about...
I also find the waiting to board behaviour of people a bit odd as well...
Our flight was due to board at Gate 7...
I got there about an hour before boarding and the seating area around gate 7 was full with dozens of people just standing.
All the other gates were empty with loads of seats. But everyone seemed happier standing at THEIR gate.
It's not like waiting for a bus in that it will go without you if you're not at the stop.
This is an airport.
Once you check in, that plane won't leave without you...it's ok to sit anywhere and just mosey along when they start announcing that it's time to board.
Anyway, I have been to a series of barbecues of late, and am avoiding going anywhere near a set of scales as all the munching has taken its toll.
I can feel it without needing official confirmation from the said device.
Barbecues...hmmmm
You see when you go out for a meal, you generally follow the starter/main/dessert format, and have a rough idea of how many calories you are taking on.
At a barbecue it's more of a main/main/main/main/dessert/sometimes more main/drink/drink/drink set up.
Rather than force feed geese to make Foie Gras, it would be more humane to invite them to a series of informal barbecues.
There should be no need for the cruelty of the existing practice.
And Salman Rushdie gets a knighthood...woo hoo!
If I was him I would be a bit apprehensive in case the Queen had secretly converted to Islam.
He would then be in a vulnerable postion,on his knees in front of the Queen with a big sword in her hand.
There would be that tense pause when she is about to pronounce to him...
Is it "A- rise Sir Salman"...
or it could be "A-llah Akbar"...then swish...
I got back from London just in time for a gig at The Stand.
It was a really fun night, everyone had a good gig and Tom Stade had me in hysterics...AND the cheeky compere, the wondrous Susan Calman was wearing girly make-up...
It was all happening!
I gave Tom a lift home and was gravely embarassed, when my "Bananarama Greatest Hits" cd bust into action when I switched the ignition on.
But I am still cool in spite of all this...

05/06/07 The Silly Isle

So anyway, I set off to Arran with 7 others for a weekend of golf (don't let that fool you...I am as cool as fuck), and general merriment...
One of the slight drawbacks in living in sunny Haymarket is that I occasionally have to park my motor under a row of trees.
As well as the said motor getting coated by a kind of sappy gloop stuff which the trees emit, a group of resident crows use my motor for shitting target practise.
These aren't dainty little 10p size jobbies...no sir...it looks like terradactyl size stools...and my poor Mondeo gets savagely splattered with keech.
I try my best to keep my car clean and meticulously valet it, however all this is outwith my control, and consequently I was subjected to a weekend of constant ridicule regarding the state of my car...
Shocking behaviour....
We left sensibly early and had plenty of time to enjoy a relaxing coffee at Ardrossan before boarding Caledonian Macbrayne's finest to begin our voyage to the Isle of Arran.
The relaxation element was abruptly curtailed when I discovered I'd left my jacket with my wallet in it on Ardrossan Pier at the cafe.
Result!
With 3 minutes till sailing time I ran down the gangway and into the cafe desperately shouting at random officials if they'd seen my jacket.
It turned out it had been handed in and was on the ship...and so with seconds to spare I ran up the gangway and had to leap 15 feet through the air just managing to grab the rail of the boat and haul myself on board, (slight exaggeration, but more or less accurate)...
Had a couple of rounds of one of the best and quirkiest golf courses in the world..Shiskine...just a 12 hole course..but brimming with character...
(don't let this golf talk fool you...I am as cool as fuck, ok?)
Colin obviously felt slightly aggrieved at my headline grabbing stupidity with my jacket, and decided to up the ante by locking Bilbo's car keys inside the boot of his car, (with 4 sets of golf clubs as well)
The look on his face when he disclosed his accident to us will live long in the memory...
I described it as that of a man who was cleaning his shotgun in his house and had accidentally blown the head off of a close relative...
The whole golf element of the weekend was hanging in the balance....
Luckily my RAC membership came to the rescue...
They cover the member not the car (news to me), so a local mechanic came and spent a few hours trying to, and finally managing to open the boot using an impressive array of little inflatable things to ease the door open and allow him to fiddle with the wiring...
A classic demonstration of how the most modern secure cars can be gotten into by people who have the right tools and know what they are doing.
woo hoo!
36 more holes of golf (I am COOL) followed on the Saturday...
I had started off playing quite well, but by the last game had gone into a tailspin and on the last game played possibly the worst game of golf I've ever played in my life...
In spite of this myself and Bilbo came second in the team challenge..won by Colin and Rob...yeah yeah yeah...it's all about taking part etc etc
On the Saturday night we had a prolonged session at the pool table...
We had been joined/invaded by a holidaying female mentalist from East Kilbride who introduced herself as "Ginsie"...
At first I thought she was just a friendly soul, but quickly it became apparent that she had the "Fatal Attraction" DVD at home and had watched it every day for the past 20 years.
I glanced over my shoulder to see her polish off the whisky we had filled the golf trophy with...hmmm...
She then proceeded to expose her cleavage theatrically above whatever pocket on the pool table any one of the innocent golfers was aiming at.
It wasn't something that you saw every day that's for sure.
Over the course of the weekend I argued with the rest of the golfers about the correct terminology to describe melted cheese on a piece of toast (yes "toast"...that word is critical)
I say "toasted cheese", but everyone else in the party idiotically calls it "cheese on toast"...
Bizarre...
It doesn't make sense...
If you were a rock band and you had to choose between two names, namely "Cheese on Toast" or "Toasted Cheese", is there any doubt whatsoever which one you would choose???
No more questions, your honour....
I was also impressed by one of our party being able save on their hotel bill by fitting snugly into a swan vestas matchbox, using a toffo wrapper as a duvet and an acorn as a pillow...
You really had to be there to appreciate it though...
Another impressive moment concerned a member of the party,mysteriously named as "Peanut" taking 2 hours to remove a mattress from a top bunkbed.
He wanted to do this because the person on the lower bunk had decided to remove his mattress to the floor.
Fearing a World Trade Center-esque collapse, Mr Peanut decided to adopt a safety first approach.
You really had to be there to appreciate it though...

25/05/07 Sporting Round-Up

I would like to point out that the person reflected in this picture taking a photo of the album cover is NOT me, ok?





It is with some regret I must inform you that my much vaunted new cricket career is over...
I played last week for my work's team in a match against Edinburgh University.
Now, it's probably fair to say that most people would tend to view playing cricket as a white-knuckle ride of surging emotions and excitement.
I'm afraid to say the reality is very much at odds with this perception.
I don't think I've ever been more bored for such a sustained period in my life ...ever...(although last week's FA Cup Final was a close second...another "shit on a stick" if ever I saw one).
It was 3 hours of singular joylessness...
The banter was very poor as well...a bit of humour might have saved the day for me...
but inappropriate po-faced seriousness was the demeanor of choice by the participants...
I had attracted a few disapproving glances by turning up in a black t-shirt and black trackie bottoms to play, when everyone else in my team had proper cricketing whites and all the gear....
I was so far down the batting order that I never got a chance to bat, as we had the same pair batting for almost the entire inings...
I wasn't asked to bowl at all either, and was placed at "fine leg" on fielding duty.
This covers an area of the pitch where the ball is least likely to make an appearance...
The idiots...!
Don't they realise I've played one other game in my life and scored 17 runs and had bowling figures of 0-40??
I felt underused...but mostly bored...
On a brighter note, after stocking up for the past few months on Newcastle United shares, I was pleased to see a bidder emerge and pump up the share price...woo hoo!
At the same time, I was disappointed to hear that mild-mannered philanthropist Paul Dance is not hosting a poker game this weekend.
As a result of this I will have to reorganise my spending budget, as I've begun factoring in my projected winnings from these games into my weekly income.
The game cancellation means I will have to tweak my spreadsheets a little...hmph!

I was thinking today that I started off my comedy career at roughly the same time as the SARS outbreak.
We both had dreams of global domination and fame, but things haven't quite worked out the way either of us had planned.
All that's happened is that a few people have felt ill, there's been a bit of projectile vomit and generally not a lot to laugh about...
whereas, with the SARS virus etc etc
ho ho

Tonight I am playing congas with a kind of bluesy jazz combo at Grange Sports Club...
hopefully I will get a few laughs...!

aye thang u!

18/05/2007 Rum

The Isle Of Rum






So anyway, ostensibly I was on the Isle of Rum to begin filming a new sitcom I've recently written, entitled "The Pinsky Problem".
It's about 3 brothers who run a Recording Studio and Drop-In Arts Centre on a remote, idyllic Scottish island.
One day they hear news that they've unexpectedly inherited a sweet shop in Wigan from a long lost cousin.
In a reversal of the usual plot, they decide to abandon the remote beauty of their island and move to Wigan to "get involved in the exciting ups and downs of running a small retail outlet in a grim, post-industrial Northern English town".
It's intended to be quite sophisticated comedy, although there is a small element of slapstick in episode 3 when Philip gets his head stuck in a jar of sherbert lemons...but that's about it.
Unfortunately one of the cast failed to turn up after a Production Crew medic was flippant with him.
With filming indefinitely suspended, we decided to do a spot of hillwalking instead.
Interesting facts about Rum?

Rum is twinned with "Devil's Island" in French Guyana.
Rum was originally called "RumTiddlyUmPumPum", but this was shortened to "Rum" in 1576 by James V, who viewed the full title as "patently ridiculous".
The full title was coined by Hamish Macleod (of clan Macleod) in 873 BC, who was described by a prominent contemporary Scottish physician as being "congenitally mad in the heid".
The previous owner started it calling it "Rhum", but now that it has been taken over by the National Trust it has reverted to "Rum".
Would Rum without "H" still have the same magic, and by the same token,would Stepps have been the same without "H"?
I went to find out....

We drove up to Skye and made for the town of Elgol.
After spending some time ambling along the main drag in Elgol, we finally plumped for the seafood restaurant.
It was good but the prices were fairly hefty.
One of the slightly eccentric owners produced a live Langoustine at the table for us to meet.
It was an awkward meeting, both for us and the doomed crustaceon.
The food was good, but something somewhere in the course of the meal turned the next day into a Flatulence Fiesta, the likes of which I have never previously witnessed in me life.
Thankfully we were outdoors for the weekend...(we left a rather large carbon footprint though)
Ok, so the "good"?
We had a fun crossing from Skye on a chartered boat..one of the big rubber rescue things that the RNLI use...Jeremy Clarkson would have approved!
The weather was fantastic...unbroken sunshine for the whole weekend...Rum was a magnificent spectacle to behold...absolutely stunning...and there were amazing views from the peaks we scaled...There were veritable skiploads of chirpy banter and bonhomie in evidence...The walks themselves were spectacular and also quite scary...but I like that...

the "not so good"?
I think I had gotten a bit more fitter than usual, but the pace at which I can ascend mountains is still painfully slow and I was a distant backmarker for the duration of the weekend...
There's not much I can do about it...if you go above a pace that you are comfortable with...you're fucked...and you won't last the course...
The problem is, to all intensive purposes I spent the weekend doing a solo traverse of the Rum Cuillins!

I get there in the end, but I remain a plodder...sniff sniff...
Also the walk/relax balance was a bit lopsided to suit me...I was so knackered I didn't even make Saturday dinner and crashed out in my tent at about 9pm, and consequently missed the delightful selection of home made curries and fine wines which were on the camping menu.
(Earlier, I'd attracted a welter of cheeky remarks for slightly overdoing my curry requirements and bringing 2 gallons of it with me)
As the walk finished I was pretty much done in...I went all white apparently...and gave the impression that I was auditioning for the role of "Banquo's Ghost" in the "Rum Amateur Players" upcoming production of "Macbeth"...sorry..."The Scottish Play"...
Certain sections of the walk were described by my colleagues as being "a bit airy".
This is a mountain euphemism meaning that if you take one innocuous stumble you will fall thousands of feet to a certain death.
It certainly concentrates the mind, but at the same time it makes you feel very alive.
At one point I got a bit disorientated and thought I was completely lost. It was nearly 8pm so I began to worry a little about how I was going to get to shelter.
Note to self...never ever go walking again without a map/compass/GPS.
I'm just a lazy shit and tend to rely on other people too much to act as navigators, but really you should be self-reliant in these situations.
In hindsight I was being over-dramatic because I could easily have gone back to a Bothy I'd past a couple of miles further back...but it's funny how fatigue affects your thinking...
This bothy had a poignant note on a mantelpiece from a walker whose friend had died on Rum last year when he slipped crossing a burn in full spate and was swept into a gully.
His friend had brought a bottle of rum with him to Rum, and the letter invited walkers who came across the bothy to "have a drink" on Tom, who'd died.
There were quite a few ticks about, and the recent rise in incidence of Limes disease has made me slightly paranoid now.
I went to Boots to buy some tweezers to remove one...(I called him Tick Dastardly...hilarious...yes? as Gordon Ramsay might say...yes?)
I was amused to see that alongside the tweezers in the display section was a magnifying glass section.
There's a classic schoolboy joke based on an alleged sighting of an aquaintance buying tweezers and a magnifying glass for self-pleasuring purposes.
I was almost tempted to buy the items just to try and get a smirk out of the ale cashier...
However, at a whopping 9.95, the magnifying glass priced itself out of the cheap joke market.
So yes...great weekend...but tough going...quite happy to be back in civilisation...
Camping really makes me appreciate the concept of a "bed" and a "shower"...
Is this enough to justify the camping though?
I suppose if someone spends 12 hours hitting you on the head with a hammer, you feel a great sense of relief when they stop...
However, that doesn't necessarily mean you want to experience the hammer again !
ha ha only joking guys...the pluses far outweigh the minuses...
That part of Scotland is the most stunning part of the globe as far as I am concerned and I can't wait to get up there again...I'll take a deck chair next time though...

You'll always get a lot of different opinions on what is the "greatest TV programme ever in the history of civilisation", but let's get real here, it's "The Double Deckers" and here is a classic clip...and anyone who disgrees with my selection can fuck right off..because I am right..OK?

08/07/2007 On Tour

I had a great gig at the "Frog and Bucket" comedy club in Manchester last night.
It kind of restored my faith in my ability to make people laugh, and I muchly enjoyed the evening.
Everything went well, and I got some great feedback after the show.
I still believe in the great Comedy God and apologise for losing faith in him or her.
However, tonight I'm running another gig in Black Bo's, so expect a mournful downtrodden blog entry tomorrow...ha ha...!
It felt odd being in a bar with people smoking.
It all seemed very decadent ...kind of Kit Kat club in Berlin in the 30s.. (I was there)...
A friend of mine in Brazil who stupidly thought I was a Hearts supporter sent me this traumatic (if you really are a Hearts supporter) link...
Don't click here if you are a Hearts fan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you saw the recent Louis Theroux documentary on the mentalist religious nuts who demonstrate at soldiers' funerals, and think that God is punishing America via Irag for their tolerance of homosexual lifestyles...then you'll find their take on the Virginia Tech tragedy even weirder.
I'm just amazed no-one has shot them!
I loved this analysis by Jorge Valdana of the recent Liverpool v Chelsea European tie...
He refers to the match as "a shit on a stick"...
I love that.
Messrs Hansen, Lawrenson, Redknapp, Peacock, Sharp etc etc could spend the rest of their lives talking continuously about football and never come up with anything approaching this fantastic little bit of football philosophy...
btw I hope they find the little girl in Portugal soon...I can't even to bear to watch the news any more...it's just too painful to see people being tortured like that...horribly depressing...