05/03/2008 Back

So anyway, my holiday got off to a spectacular start when I lost my wallet on the day I was leaving. Nice...
I had to cancel all my cards and then went to the trusty Alliance and Leicester to take out a big wad of cash to take away with me.
According to the bank teller, my card hadn't been cancelled. Hmmm...
So they had to phone again to cancel it before they would give me the dosh.
They had to phone the same call centre that I had, and it took about 30 minutes for them to get through and request that the card got cancelled, (I had definitely done this myself earlier on).
You'd think there would be some sort of direct line from the branch to the call centre for stuff like this...but apparently not.
This is mental...
I couldn't get angry with the teller though as she was far too attractive for that.
She made me laugh as well.
"You've Lost That Loving Feeling" was being piped through the bank.
She mentioned that when she split up with her first serious boyfriend, she was devastated and tearful and was later picked up by her dad in his car.
As he drove home, that song came on the radio, prompting her dad to enthusiastically sing along... blissfully unaware of the tragic resonance the lyrics would be having on his daughter.
A classic example of male insensitivity I'd say.
Well the boarding was great...but a bit more snow would have been appreciated.
I like Canadians...very friendly folk...
One criticism though...you need to broaden your adjective use...everything seems to be "awesome"...
Now, if I saw a grizzly bear shagging a moose up a tree...that certainly would be universally agreed as "awesome" (I'm not saying I did see this)....BUT if I produce the correct change for a quarter of a pound of sherbert lemons in a confectionery store (which I did), then that's not really "awesome", although it was enthusiastically described as such by the young male assistant.
However, it was quite awesome to be somewhere which still stubbornly clings on to Imperial Measures, and be able to ask for a quarter of a pound of sherbert lemons rather than this 200g nonsense.
I'm seriously thinking of going veggie.
I must have eaten about 3 cows with a couple of pig side dishes in the 10 days I was out there.
I've probably lost weight as it was something of an unintentional 10 day Atkins diet with a daily exercise routine.
You don't see too many vegetables out there....

22/02/08 I'm in Canada

Hey, am I cool, or am I cool???




Snowboarding is a funny way to spend a holiday.
It's all very exhiliarating and fun, but after a couple of days I find myself perpetually a bit shagged out (with a mild hangover).
I got a board on Ebay before I came out and what a board it is...
It makes my old board look like an antique ironing board.
All of a sudden I can go twice as fast as I used to.
The only downside is that when I fall off it hurts twice as much as it used to.
The slopes are good but we need more snow...please!
The weather is a bit freaky in Banff this week.
Last week it was -30, but this week it is averaging +5. Weird.
With all my thermals on I nearly passed out with heat exhaustion on the first day.
Still...better than working I suppose...

On the Stand-up scene, I found out I'd been reviewed twice here
Interestingly, they were two very good gigs for me...however, he obviously doesn't like me and I get a bit of a kicking.
(although in fairness, he does observe that I was well received by the audience on both occasions)
I do agree with him to a certain extent on sticking a bit too rigidly to my script, and I'd like to get a bit more conversational with the audience, especially at clubs like LemonCustard, (which was a brilliant little comedy evening which I thoroughly enjoyed,quirkily hosted by Dee Custance and Sian Bevan).
I like getting a bit of objective criticism though, and just because you have a really good night in terms of audience reaction doesn't mean that you can't get a slagging.
I know I myself regularly see some comics ripping it up, but don't really rate them as great acts.
But now I must go out to get drunk because that is what decrepit snowboarders do of an evening to ease their painful joints.

07/02/08 Night Out With The Lads

I went to see my old mucker Jamie Frain showcase his new CD at The Phoenix Bar last night, with Dave Reilly ably accompanying him on bass.
Old Frainto remains a very talented musician.
He's got a great voice and can definitely write a mean tune.
My only criticism would be that his lyrics don't quite engage me to the same extent, but that's a minor quibble.
"Trashcan Secrets" is the pick of the bunch.
Later I had a dispute with Dave's wife regarding her husband's TV viewing habits.
She seemed to think that as I was currently not in possession of a job, it was inappropriate of me to make impertinent remarks regarding Dave's packed lifestyle.
It was all happening !
Another old mucker of mine, Mr Nicky Hind , is across visiting from the USA for a few days,and we have been having a right royal laugh.
He went down to Newcastle with me on the next leg of my UK tour.
The gig went really well even though I thought my actual performance was fairly cack.
"Long Live Comedy" is a great little club though, and I'd heartily recommend it!
We tried to find Hadrian's Wall on the way down, but got a bit lost and only found a little bit of it just before it got dark.
It looked just like a mound of earth, but the sign said it was a Roman Temple attached to the wall.
Impressive.
The new SatNav worked a treat on the way down but then wouldn't charge up for the journey home.
It took a while to get out of Newcastle under manual navigation and I took a short tour of several Industrial Estates in Newcastle. Very interesting.
We've spent a lot of time arguing about politics, the system and "working for the man"...I'd say I won.
I also had a pretty severe haircut...a No. 2 all over...
I like it, but am blessed with something of a potato head and am not best suited to the crew cut look...
My friend Lynne said it made me look 10 years younger ...but she was probably a bit pissed..(I certainly was)

03/02/08 On Tour

I had a gig at the "QI Club" in Oxford on Thursday night.
It was a decent enough night for me , although it was a slight anti-climax after the last few gigs. But I still had a pretty good time.
I had an early morning flight to Luton. 7am. ouch!
I spent the evening before watching dramatic reconstructions of plane crashes on the National Geographic cable channel.
Just as we were coming into land at an incredibly windy Luton Airport, the lights above the emergency exit doors flashed on.
This wasn't too re-assuring, but we landed ok in the end.
The truly memorable aspect of the gig occurred when one of the acts on the bill recited a jokey poem about the recently departed Jeremy Beadle.
It was a cheeky, joshy ode to JB, and wasn't really offensive.
However, the inclusion of this piece caused major rumblings in the audience as a debate began between the comedian and the audience over whether it was actually ok to do a piece such as this.
He'd recently organised a big quiz night in the QI Club which several of them attended, and it became clear they were very fond of him.
They kept mentioning that he'd raised 100 million quid for charity, (an undoubtedly impressive figure)...
Anyway, eventually the exasperated comedian said..."ok, so what do you want? a 2 minute silence for him or what?"
Most of the audience nodded approvingly.
So we had an impeccably observed 2 minute silence in memory of Jeremy.
It was probably the most surreal moment I've ever experienced in a comedy club.
The gig continued after the silence, and the rest of the night was fine.
I was sad to hear of the death of Miles Kington as well last week.
He wrote really funny little column in The Independent every day.
A typical line from him was ;
"knowledge consists of knowing that a tomato is a fruit, and wisdom consists of not putting it in a fruit salad"...
beautiful...!

28/01/08 The "West Wing" of its day....

I was a massive fan of the TV show "Crossroads", and was devastated when it ended.
There were great characters involved, superb plotlines and the acting had a raw emotional edge to it which made it unmissable.
I found this classic clip on Youtube.
It features a typically brilliant performance from my favourite character "Arthur Brownlow".
In this clip, it's all gone off in the Brownlow household as Doris Luke's engagement plans look in danger of coming undone.
(the character of "Doris Luke" was played by Kathy Staff who went on to achieve international fame and fortune through her peerless portrayal of "Nora Batty" in the acclaimed Yorkshire documentary "Last of the Summer Wine ; although she's not actually seen in this clip)
I just got back from getting a refund on a timer for my new boiler.
It's never a dull moment.
It has been something of a long-running saga trying to get the money back.
However, a cutting email which I sent to the supplier, cc'ing the head office, did the trick.
As the refund was getting processed, it was obvious that the guy was quietly raging.
He didn't make any eye contact with me and gruffly re-credited my card.
I was beginning to feel a bit awkward about some of the more stinging sarcastic remarks I'd made on the email relating to the customer service I'd previously experienced.
It's always a lot easier to be blunt on email rather than face to face.
Just as I was leaving, he couldn't stop himself and starting having a pop at me about my "cheeky comments".
I got the impression that if I'd started having a go back, he would have had no hesitation in decking me.
He had that look that boxers have when they try to outstare their opponent just before the fight starts.
I took this as a cue to do a bumbling Hugh Grant impersonation...looking down at the floor, and saying I was sorry and that I didn't mean to cause offence...and shuffled out the shop.
I felt that my "hard man" image had been slightly compromised by this episode.
Still, I got my money back!

27/01/08 That was the weekend that was

I got a call last Thursday to do spots on Thursday, Friday and Saturday at The Stand in Edinburgh.
I did a little jig around my flat at the news...I love doing the weekend at The Stand!
Thursday and Saturday were good, solid gigs, but Friday was probably the best reaction I've ever had doing stand-up..I really nailed it....
What sticks in my mind was getting big laughs before I'd even said anything.
It's great having that feeling that you've "got" the audience right from the start, and your comedy sensors inform you that you're going to have a great gig.
The Friday night was my much missed Dad's "unofficial" birthday, and I'd spent a lot of the day thinking about him.
I say "unofficial" birthday, because throughout his life, we always celebrated his birthday on 31st January.
It was late in life when he found out out that although his birth certificate says "31st January", this wasn't true...he was actually born on 25th January.
His father, a miner in Hamilton, had already had 3 daughters, and Jim senior was his first (and only) son...
He was quite partial to a drink apparently, and the celebrations for the birth of his son, went on for a good 3 weeks.
He realised that he'd now illegally delayed the registration of the birth, so basically bullshitted the registrar and changed the birth date to 6 days later.
I love that story...a good bit of improvisation by my Grandpa!
But anyway..ok bully for me...I had some good gigs...but it was just doing a 10 minute set, so I'm not organising no ticker tape parade or nuttin', but it definitely feels that I'm making some progress in the laugh business.
I'm thinking of getting a new telly.
I was down at my brother's gaffe in Manchester over the Festive Season, and he'd bought a ridiculous 46 inch telly.
The problem is that once you spend a few days watching that, you come home and watch your own puny telly and it feels like every programme is "Michael Bentine's Potty Time".
I'm now tempted to buy a 47 inch telly, and see how much I can piss off the aforementioned brother.

21/01/08 Back in the saddle

This is my niece Kitty.
I ran through my stand-up routine for her to see what she thought of it.
She said that whilst she found my act "intrinsically very funny", my set as a whole would benefit from having "a more cohesive narrative structure".
These are fair points.
It's amazing how quickly kids develop these days.
I had my first gig of 2008 at The Stand in Glasgow on Sunday.
Being my first gig for a few weeks, I was actually hoping that it would be a reasonably quiet night.
I figured that a Sunday in late January, with credit card bills to pay, and the weather a bit rubbish etc etc it would likely fall foul of the post-Xmas collective hangover syndrome.
I was completely wrong on this and was somewhat surprised to find the venue absolutely packed.
It seems that Sunday is the new Saturday in Glasgow.
The "Performance Anxiety Indicator" rose further when I discovered I was on first.
However, in the end, the gig went great.
But do you want to hear that?
No...of course not...you'd prefer a tale of failure and disaster wouldn't you?
Well, sorry to disappoint you all!
hah! Go find another schmuck to exercise your evil schadenfreude tendencies.
Pathetically, I still haven't been able to get beyond the single cigarette I smoked 2 weeks ago.
I've taken the decision now that I'm just going to give up.
I really can't be bothered with the stress of trying to start smoking again.
I know...I know...you don't have to tell me how weak and feeble-willed I am, but stuff it...I'll just have to live with it.
To add further embarassment (as if I needed to), I've lost half a stone since New Year.
I've started wearing tight fitting t-shirts again in a pathetic attempt to emphasize my retreating flab, but this isn't going to work indefinitely; particularly if I keep up all this pointless exercise which I've sadly become addicted to.
btw "No Country For Old Men" is an excellent film.
In my dotage, fewer and fewer films hold my attention and interest throughout...but this one definitely does.
Although saying that, the woman sitting behind me loudly complained to her husband at the end of the film...
"Well that was a load of CRAP!"
(you can't please everybody though, can you?)

12/01/08 Flashing Light

So anyway, this week George Bush visited Israel for the first time in his presidency.
He spoke optimistically on the prospects of securing a lasting peace in the region.
Hmmm...
I suspect this represents a rather desperate attempt to finish his 8 year stint on a high and be fondly remembered as the American President who finally managed to broker an Arab/Israeli peace agreement, rather than overseeing the disastrous campaign in Iraq.
He really didn't sound like he believed what he was saying himself.
To use a stand-up comedy analogy, George has been struggling badly with his set...he's been flashed to indicate his time is almost up, and is now scrambling to find a killer joke to quit the stage on a high, hoping that the audience will forget all the preceding unfunny dross.
(they often do)
Bill Clinton tried (unsuccessfully) as well...
"International Peacemaker" provides a better legacy that the "Spunk/Dress/Female Intern" combo.
Talking of which, I was a bit embarassed last night.
I'd read in the "Edinburgh Evening News" that there was an active "Swingers Club" in Tollcross, and decided to go along and check it out.
I actually thought it was an evening dedicated to golf instruction, and was shocked to discover that it in fact involved like-minded sexually liberated people meeting up to indulge in no-strings sexy antics.
Funnily enough, in spite of my mistake, the evening did remind me of golf.
Just as in golf tournaments there was always one annoying person who would shout out "Get in the hole!" at every possible opportunity and really annoy everyone else.
I saw "Bladerunner" at the cinema this week.
It was the first time I'd seen this film in 20 years...
It was something of a "Stoner Favourite" in my 1980s communal flat.
I'd say it stands the test of time pretty well, and considering it was made in the pre-CGI era, it remains an incredible cinematic vision.
...and 2019 doesn't seem all that far away now does it?
To use a stand-up comedy analogy, it's about a comedian whose job it is to kill other fake comedians who use other people's material.
Although in fairness to the replicant comedians, they do actually think they wrote the material, but don't realise that the jokes come from memory implants and are not original thought.

09/01/08 Country Tales

I'm still struggling with the bug.
I've been stuck on the couch feeling crap and watching endless telly.
I've seen a whole series of programmes this week on food and farming and slaughter practices and the reality of farming and debates on ethics and all that sort of stuff.
A lot of it has been difficult to watch, but I forced myself.
I think everybody should be made aware of certain realities of where our food comes from.
One of the shows was called "Lie of the Land" and it featured the life of a dairy farmer.
He was a likeable sort and it made interesting viewing.
In one scene he supervised a purge on rats with some terriers.
The rats got chased into the open and then the terriers went into a frenzy and fatally munched them.
This reminded me of an episode in my childhood.
My Dad had a job as a headmaster at an "Approved School" (that's "Young Offenders' Institiution" these days).
He was friendly with the caretaker who bred terriers ; and one of the benefits of having the terriers was that it kept the rat population of the premises in check.
I remember him demonstrating how he trained the terriers to go for the rats.
When a terrier pup was 12 weeks old, it was deemed ready for "rat training".
He caught about 20 rats over a couple of days and kept them in a large wooden barrel.
He then dropped the pup in with the rats, put a lid over the barrel and sat on it.
All hell broke loose within the barrel...a deafening cacophony of squeaking and growling and scratching.
After a few minutes there'd be silence and he'd let the pup out.
All the rats inside were dead, and from that moment any time the pup saw a rat it would instantly go into attack mode and kill it.
Isn't that a charming, rural tale?
I'm not saying I approve of this, I'm just submitting evidence.
If one day I'm accused of going on a killing spree at my local Scotmid store, I will testify that witnessing this event as a 7 year old warped my mind, and since that day the "voices" in my head have commanded me to spray the people at the cold meats counter with automatic gunfire.
I'm joking of course!

07/01/08 New Regime

Well, unfortunately my new 2008 turbo-charged creative regime has crashed on take-off...
I picked up a bug yesterday.
It's a sore throat/runny nose/watery eye/sneezing fits/generally "feeling a bit shit" combo.
I've done nothing of note since the symptons appeared and am just waiting patiently for it to go away.
Typical...
I watched Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's programme about intensive chicken production.
It's good to see that what goes on at these places is being subject to increasing scrutiny.
I reckon in a 100 years time, people will be stunned to comprehend the cruelty which we've allowed to go on in our quest for cheaper and cheaper mass-produced meat.
There were some comical moments though...
He was asking people at Tesco's if they'd taken advantage of the "2 chickens for a fiver" offer.
One women said yes, and informed HFS that she gave one of the two chickens to her dog.
At one point HFS as getting harangued by a bumptious lady along the lines of "it's ok for you to buy yer organic chicken but we can't afford it etc etc"...
In the words of St William of Connolly, "she was no stranger to a fish supper", and didn't give the impression of being under-nourished.
There was this "healthy" move by a lot of people away from red meat to fish and chicken.
It's bollocks of course.
The factory farmed chicken is full of fat you arses.
Judging by all the radio phone-ins going on, it's rather depressing that for a large percentage of the population, the cheapness justifies everything that goes on in the industry.
Unfortunately, HFS's programme is probably just preaching to the converted.
Talking of prices...I had a problem with my gas boiler...
A man came out to fix it...took him about 15 mins...
101 quid...bastard!
ouch!
I might be forced to get some cheap chickens from Tesco for tea.

05/01/08 Old

The Festive Season is now finished. It's official.
As I walked home late last night I passed many a discarded Christmas Tree lying forlornly on the pavement.
It was as if they had all fallen victim to a series of "drive-by choppings".
If I had some chalk, I would have been tempted to draw a crime scene outline of Santa on his sleigh next to one of the trees.
Then I would definitely have gone on to win the Turner Prize and Charles Saatchi would end up buying the exhibit off me for 6 squillion quid.
There were a couple of times during the recent poker match where it really hit me that myself and my fellow players were maybe not quite the hip young gunslingers we used to be.
Someone refused to deal because "leaning over to deal" would hurt his back.
There were one or two failing-eyesight related complaints of not being able to read what the cards were.
There also seemed to be a ridiculous number of trips made to the toilet.
What happened to us?
Perhaps we could get the next match sponsored by a Prostrate Research Organisation and/or "Stairmaster"?
Then last night I found myself droning on in the pub about how the FA Cup is dead in the water, and that football is all about money and nothing else, and how it was different in my day, and that there's no glory any more, and I realised I'd turned into a typical pub boring-old-fart who would have hugely irritated the younger me with his pompous certainty of all that's wrong in the world.
Thankfully, I squandered any gravitas by knocking a full pint of cider over someone as I was making another fascinating point.
I've got a SatNav system now.
There could be some great comedy material here.
I don't think anyone has ever covered this subject before, so that's something to work on in 2008.
Disappointingly, I haven't yet been able to add to the single cigarette I smoked 3 days ago.
I thought I'd cracked it, but looks like I'll have to try and find another opportunity to get the nicotine addiction up and running again.
The good news is my cough is a lot better.
But that's hardly consolation.
The weight gain is going really well though. I've found it surprisingly easy to achieve noticeable results.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.

04/01/08 I Am Cool

Well for the second time in the last 3 games I emerged as the overall winner at the "Texas Hold 'Em".
I am clearly an extremely talented player, and found it somewhat galling to be continually labelled a "lucky bastard".
It's all skill and judgement as far as I am concerned.
"Lucky bastard"....!
Ridiculous...
I was also delighted to have to smoked a single cigarette, as well as eaten a big bowl of chilli, even though I had already had my tea.
It was a win/win/win situation.
I had a quiet chuckle at a few things during the match.
There were very vocal directions at the start of the match to keep play moving quickly.
However, any delays in the play always seemed stem from the same players who had earlier proposed the "quick play" regime.
There was a couple of times when a player thought he had won a big pot, but on closer inspection of all the cards, it turned out he's lost.
The turnaround of emotion from triumph to despair in a few seconds was quite a spectacle.
Some people might even go on to say it was hilarious.
I'm not saying that...I'm just saying it was interesting.
I'm not one of these people who laughs at other people's misfortunes.
Having Hogmanay on a Monday is a bit weird...it seems to drag the "Festive Season" on interminably.
In my head, 2008 hasn't really started yet.
It offically starts on Monday when everybody goes back to work.
I would normally be going back to work, but I'm not as my contract finished just before Xmas.
I've got some writing ideas and am going to slavishly write 1000 words every day.

02/01/08 Same Old Story

Pathetically, I STILL haven't managed to smoke a cigarette in 2008.
In spite of all my good intentions, I have failed...thankfully I still have time on my side.
The "putting on weight" element of my New Year Resolutions has been going really well so far, although I made a bit of an arse of things today as I found myself doing a 3.5 mile run.
What a twat!
If I keep on with this sort of nonsense, I'll end up burning more calories than I actually consume...and that would be really embarassing.
Thankfully I have some people round fro dinner tonight and I have a spare Xmas pudding in the fridge.
We watched the John Wayne film "McLintock" yesterday.
I remember liking this film a lot as a kid, so was interested to see how it would stand the test of time.
Some interesting politics going on in it...
There are a couple of young men competing for the hand of McLintock's daughter Becky.
One has just arrived from New York with some new dance steps to show off.
He also played a musical instrument.
In the context of the film this categorised him as an effeminate, ineffectual buffoon.
Wayne also referred to him disparagingly as "College Boy!", adding "possessing a formal education" to the list of unacceptable qualities for a would-be suitor.
Thankfully, the other young man was an uncomplicated farmer who enjoyed punching people in the face as a form of cultural expression.
McLintock encourages the farmer to thrash his daughter across the backside with a metal shovel.
He then performs the same act on his wife (Maureen O'Hara).
He carries this out after receiving this advice form an old friend ;
"I'm a peaceable man but my father used to say, 'You raise you voice it doesn't do any good... it's time to raise your hand.'"
(a few jaws dropped in my living room at this point!)
There were also a horribly patronising portrayal of a Chinese person, and some sterotyped Indians, as well as every scene having someone slugging from a bottle of Scotch, (apart from "College Boy" of course)
Then McLintock made a speech to his daughter saying she wouldn't inherit his vast estate as he would be giving it back to the Indians.
"Give it back now you thieving big right-wing bastard! Don't have to wait till you're deid!"
Hmmm...life seemed much simpler when I watched this when I was a wee laddie...a

01/01/08 Happy New Year!

Ok, my main objectives this year are to put on some weight and increase my overall consumption of cigarettes.
I know I'll never stick to it, but might as well kick off 2008 with some good honourable intentions.
I think in future I'll desist from watching the news on TV during the festive season.
It's been an unrelenting rolecall of tragedy and miserable awfulness for the last 2 weeks.

Though I did enjoy a programme on a couple of nights ago documenting the history of Hogmanay broadcasts on the BBC.
I'd missed most of the shows when they were shown (probably because I was out getting paralytic somewhere), so it was a revelation to witness for the first time some wonderfully disastrous Hogmanay stock footage.
Edinburgh Castle was the backdrop to a hilariously shite "gospel" version of "Flower of Scotland" performed by an American choir.
To be accused of absolutely murdering a song ,which is fairly dreadful to start with anyway, is no mean feat.
Robbie Coltrane doing stand-up and running over-time, ending up talking through the bells was another classic.
I'm not too big on musicals but I enjoyed watching "Oliver!" yesterday.
This is my favourite bit....
I also liked the "Oom Pah Pah" song.
It's set in a pub and has lots of buxom women dancing provocatively on tables as the customers look on.
I sometimes think it'd be great if real life was a little bit like the magic world of musicals, and you could actually go somewhere to experience a joyous event like this at first hand.

28/12/07 On the road

Well, if John Motson was doing the commentary on my Christmas Day events , he'd inform you that this was only my second Christmas outside Scotland ; the other being in Peru in 1997.
I was curious to see how this event was celebrated in a different country, so it was with with great anticipation that I headed down the M6 towards Manchester.
I couldn't believe how quiet the roads were...it was the least stress I've ever experienced on a drive down south. If only it was always like this.
My brother has just bought a new house there and he's kindly volunteered to do the Christmas honours.
As in Scotland, people celebrate Christmas down here by (usually) eating a big turkey, exchanging gifts and drinking excessively.
As I drove through Manchester, I saw a man in the street in his underpants holding a bottle of beer and shouting,
"Is THIS what you fucking WANT???"
before being sick, then going trudging back into his house. I assume this is some kind of traditional Christmas role-playing, although I'm not 100% clear on what is being depicted here.
Perhaps the man was representing a character from a Charles Dickens book?
Anyway, Christmas Day was great.
The only bum note was the cancellation of the Xmas Pudding.
I was poised with a ladle and a bottle of brandy, however, a mini-oven was mistaken for a microwave oven, and the upshot was that rather than taking 10 minutes to cook, the pudding cooking time was estimated at 3 hours.
After careful consideration a decision was made to cancel the pudding.
I poured brandy over ice cream and set it on fire, but it wasn't the same really.
I watched some television after that.
I have to say that I was shocked and stunned to find that "To The Manor Born" wasn't very good.
In fact, I'd go as far as to say that it was 60 minutes of damnable ghastliness.
The BBC executives who commissioned this disaster should be kicked to death by a gang of clog-wearing Television Commissioning Editors.
Any humour in the original series was derived from the will-they-won't-they aspect with regard to their future involvement in some "horizontal folk dancing".
You take that aspect away and you are left with a steaming great turd.
The Catherine Tate show was a bit ropey as well but the first sketch with Kathy Burke was utterly brilliant.
Coronation Street made me cackle with laughter as well.
Kevin and Sally had just found out that their ridiculously vampy daughter had been having an affair with her teacher ; Kevin had kicked the shit out of him in the street, then they'd retreated back into their house.
The stilted dialogue and acting in the scene back in the house was very funny.
Rather than shouting and ranting at the tops of their voices, they calmly discussed this calamity as if they were reading the news off an autocue.
There are more searing, emotional arguments in the Park family when someone has gone to the second row of chocolates before the top row has finished (unforgiveable in my book)

This is a bit of a curiosity
It's a comedy short that many countries in Europe always show at Christmas.
The weird thing is that it is a British production but is completely unknown here.
It has its moments but is a bit slow moving.

Now, this is what I call a trailer!
This was made in the days when trailers would contain ALL the best bits of the film, and you'd often go to see a shite film then mull over how great the trailer made it look.

21/12/2007 Finest Hour

In terms of the reaction of friends and colleagues to THAT review, I can say, without fear of contradiction, that providing the story for the article has represented my greatest triumph in the world of comedy.
Wherever I've been in past couple of days, I have been greeted with wall-to-wall laughter.
I'm very proud!
I'm a bit concerned now about my comment on the article as one of my aquaintances has described my contribution as "sanctimonious".
Anyway, it's time to move on...
It's only 4 days till Xmas...and the original cast of "to The Manor Born" are re-uniting for a special one-off Christmas special.
I can barely contain my excitement.
I can remember with great clarity the devastation I felt when the series ended all these years ago.
I tumbled into a deep depression and it was many months before I was able to pull myself together and get my life back on track.
But only "4 sleeps" to go, and it's back!

18/12/07 Here's Our Review!!!!!

Well here it is....(I made a comment at the end)


Well, it wasn't a vintage night at Black Bo's last night.
The Evening News had a reviewer in and we got a fairly comprehensive kicking.
I couldn't argue with the reviewer's overall sentiments, but it was somewhat remiss of him not to make any reference to the fact that the night was billed as a "new act/new material evening".
This sort of format is inevitably hit and miss, as there is a strong experimental flavour to the whole thing.
Personally, I was let off lightly, and I was credited with "the best gag of the night",(which he proceeded to disclose in its entirety to the whole readership of this august journal. Arse.)
But he did take a pop at my "terrible puns"!
I readily admit they are terrible, but feel that the humour arises from the convoluted set-ups rather than the limp pay-offs...
The review doesn't seem to be on the net , but I'll post it if/when it appears.
Ah well, you learn to take things on the chin and move on, but it is disappointing that a great opportunity for some good publicity has gone by the wayside....
The review took up a whole page...

15/12/07 Jingle Jingle

The Black Bo's comedy night seems to be gaining a bit of momentum.
It was packed out last week...a very enjoyable evening!
I was compering, and I have to say in all objectivity, I wasn't too bad.
In fact, without getting too carried away, rather than my usual 3/10 marks for compering skills, I'm going to award myself a lofty 4.5/10.
Definitely a significant improvement.
I was especially glad the evening went well as I had been delivered a hammer blow earlier on in the day as Jim Hobbit phoned to cancel due to illness.
Thankfully he's ok now.
I was worried because I imagined that it would take something extremely serious to force Jim to cancel a show, as he is the most enthusiastic-to-perform comedian I know in the world.
I could imagine a situation whereby a bed gets pushed on stage with a drip attached and a microphone is slowly lowered towards the prone body, before hearing the immortal opening line "Walk like a wee pigeon!".

Today in Edinburgh "The Santa Run" is taking place.
It's ostensibly for charidee and involves about 2000 people dressed in full Santa gear running along Princes Street Gardens.
I was thinking; this must be very confusing to a 3 year old child who maintains the belief that there is only one Santa Claus.
How would you address this issue as a parent?
I had a thought that you could pretend that the event is a dramatic re-enactment of Santa's pre-Xmas wank.
You could say that the thousands of Santas represent the sperm of the one, true Santa.
It's plausible to believe that Santa may well have a big annual ceremonial wank before Xmas, as I can imagine it must be highly stressful organising presents for all the children of the world.
This could be construed as quite a sordid event, but in making a bit of pageantry out of it, it can be a fun day out for all the family.
By regaling this tale, you preserve the uniqueness of Santa and keep the magic of Xmas alive.
Maybe change the name from "The Santa Run" to "Santa Empties His Sack"?

There's an interesting tv ad on at the moment in which a rather seedy looking man with a guitar harangues a young man in a pub for receiving "knock off DVDs" and other such contraband.
This revelation causes the young man to lose his girlfriend, and the pub regulars join in with the seedy guitarist's song.
Now I may be wrong, but I reckon if I went into a pub in a fairly rough area of Edinburgh, and began playing a guitar and singing abusively at people who had accepted knock-off DVDS...
well, I predict I'd be shortly leaving the pub gingerly with the guitar forcibly shoved up my arse.

England have got a proper good manager.
The days of under-achievement could be at an end.
I hope he does well. I've always liked Mr Capello.
In years to come, Scottish fans will probably look fondly back on the Steve McClaren era, as the last great English comedy manager.
Maybe England are worth a bet to win the 2010 World Cup?
I'd be interested to see the odds.
I started watching Football Focus today but had to switch it off.
There was a feature on Capello.
They used the Godfather theme, mixed up with some mafia cliches...then Garth Crook appeared to deliver a stream of his trademark over-earnest bollocks.
That was enough for me!

30/12/07 Let The Festivities Begin

I actually thought that my "for for porpoise" line was quite original and funny. Hah! What a twat!
After a quick Google, I discovered that the "fit for porpoise" line is all over the internet in various contexts, like a bad rash.
It's always slightly tragic when you think you have a good new joke, but it fails the Google examination.
I was walking down my street yesterday when I noticed a group of pigeons feeding enthusiastically on a fresh-looking pool of vomit on the pavement.
It's just one of these charming, memorable images which serves to remind us that the Festive Season is very much upon us.
It's pretty much the whole of December now. That's 1/12 of a year. That's quite a long time to keep the Festive thing going.
So don't let me catch any of you being miserable during this time. It's just not on.
I spent a little time Xmas shopping today. It's such fun!
The centre of Edinburgh was predictable jammed.
There's quite an uncomfortable mix of people on the streets.
There's the Xmas Shoppers with that tense 10 000 yard stare...the expressions of people who give the impression they've have just had a tense tour of duty in Iraq.
Then there's the groups of people obviously up in Edinburgh for a weekend of extreme drinking and revelry, bouncing around, annoying the shoppers by stopping suddenly in the street for a group chat, and having the nerve to look cheery, even if it is all a false, largely alcohol-fuelled facade.
I lasted an hour then had to bail out.

27/11/07 New Joke Of The Day

I was shocked to hear that Fife's "Deep Sea World" may be closing down....!

Apparently it's not fit for porpoise...

aye thang u....

26/11/07 There Ain't No Sanity Clause

I was through at The Stand in Glasgow last night doing Michael Redmond's Sunday Show.
It was surprisingly jammed for a Sunday night.
I was down for the traditionally tricky opening slot.
I paid close attention to the comedy rule book , starting and finishing very strongly.
However, there was a definite mid-set sag where they all went a bit quiet.
I was pretty happy overall though...I've seen a lot of comedians miles better than I'll ever be really struggle with that "tricky opening slot"...
I got home to discover that the Marx Brothers' "Night At The Opera" was on TV.
Knackered as I was, I found it impossible to switch it off and head to my scratcher.
I love that film.
I remember watching it as a small child and being knocked out by it.
I remember coming to the following conclusions after that initial viewing ;
1. Harpo Marx is the funniest man in the world
2. Harpo Marx is the greatest harpist in the world
3. Chico Marx was technically the world's greatest pianist
4. I didn't understand Groucho at all and didn't find him funny
5. Singing songs interrupt the flow of jokes and should be discouraged
The bit that still reduces me to helpless giggles is when Chico and Harpo substitute the orchestra's opera scores with that for the popular song "Take Me Out To The Ball Park".
For some reason I started thinking of other random beliefs I had as a child which have been subsequently disproved.
(of course, now I LOVE Groucho Marx...and I now realise that Beethoven was probably a better player than Chico..even if he couldn't do all of Chico's little tricks)
I remember reading an article in a serious magazine about The Titanic when I was a kid.
This article was advancing the theory that all the passengers who went down with the ship to the bottom of the sea would be perfectly preserved as there was no light or oxygen at that depth of the ocean.
Therefore no decomposition would occurand everything would be eerily preserved for ever.
I was fascinated by this, and had visions of upper-class passengers sitting at a dinner table in posh dresses and dinner suits, perfectly preserved at the bottom of the Atlantic.
The probability that they had probably left the dinner table to go for a good panic before the ship sank never really occurred to me.
I was somewhat disappointed when this interesting theory turned out to be a load of old cock.
I also believed that all grown-ups were smart and responsible, and that being an arse was something you grew out of as soon as you reached adult maturity.
Ha Ha!

25/11/07 Gigging in Fife

I was a bit apprehensive about how I would be received in Burntisland, but was pleasantly surprised to have a great gig.
Taking the piss out of the compere, (ie using the old favourite about thanking him for whipping the crowd up into a coma before I came onstage) and repetitively mispronouncing "Burntisland" as "Burntis-land" throughout my set were smart moves I think, and got the audience onside.
On Wikipedia, one of the interesting facts about Burntis-land is that it has no fewer than 5 hairdressers serving a population of just over 5000.
I contrasted this fact with the compere's "ridiculous haircut", (it wasn't really ridiculous but it was a good bit of comedy banter)
It was the first night of the "Mirth of Forth" Comedy Club, and the good people of Burntis-land seemed to enjoy the experience of having us "comedy missionaries" bringing the gift of laughter to one of our remote Scottish communities.
Patronising bastard....
But seriously, they were a great crowd and I wish Mr Rich Kidd and his new club a successful future.
I have succumbed to some kind of relapse of my recent brush with some flu-type virus and have been confined to quarters over the weekend.
This is unfortunate as I missed a big birthday party last night out at village of Temple.
I've noticed recently that I have something of a speech impediment when I'm buying items.
For example, when I buy a tea at work, I always say ;
"Eh...can I have a tea please?"
I'm working on getting rid of this unnecessary "Eh" but am finding it incredibly difficult.
Last week, I went up to order a tea, and concentrating really hard...said
"Can I have...eh...a cup of tea...Shit!"
The "shit" at the end was an involuntary response to realising that the "eh" had still managed to make its way into the phrase even though I had got the first part out ok.
The sales assistant probably assumed I was a Tourettes sufferer.
This might seem a very trivial matter but it really does my head in.
I find "ehs" and "umms" and all these kind of ticks really irritating in other people, and tell them so.
I think it's bad for stand-up as well.
If you start irritating the punters in ways other than purely being shit and unfunny, it's just not going to help overall...is it?

23/11/07 The End Of The Day

I wanted England to qualify or Euro 2008.
I've never felt comfortable aligning myself with the support-anybody-but-England Scottish mentality.
I wanted as many British teams as possible to qualify as I think we lend a random, interesting factor to the finals (even if our football is technically deficient), and often are involved in the most exciting, dramatic matches of the European and World finals .

However, they do make it hard for us to support the England team....
I've argued this till I'm blue in the face, but there is a major distinction between your attitude to "England" the nation, as opposed your attitude to the "England Football Team" and the idiotic media circus which accompanies it...

In the pre-match analysis on Wednesday, there was no single mention made of any particular Croatian player to watch out for, or any intelligent discussion on their strengths and weaknesses as a team.
It was just another manifestation of the outrageous arrogance and lack of respect for the opponents in their group.
In the aftermath of the match, the BBC led on the headline, "England are eliminated from Euro 2008, as they fail to qualify from a group which should have been a cakewalk".
I found that unbelievable....
Croatia and Russia are traditionally very strong footballing nations, and I fail to see how any group with them in it could be dismissed as "easy".
John Motson complimented the England fans on not booing the Croatian National Anthem when it was abundantly clear that a significant portion of the crowd were in fact booing the Croatian National Anthem.
This was also apparent from the expressions on the Croatian players' faces.

Having been the recipient of a large amount of texts from my dear English friends gloating after Saturday's elimination of Scotland, and England's lifeline presented to them by Russia...I
could not prevent myself dissolving into giggles at Croatia's first goal.
My other highlight's were Steve McClaren's ill-advised umbrella pose.
It was a study in helplessness, and ineffective management, which will haunt him for the rest of his days.
Then Terry Venables went through a range of expressions eerily reminiscent of Bob Hoskins in the closing scene of "The Long Good Friday" when he is driven away to his doom.
For Bob it was a bullet, for Terry it was a P45.
(Sounds like an implausible plotline for "The Likely Lads")
In the closing seconds, John Motson pleaded to Mark Lawrenson ("Lawro")...
"Mark....say something..!"
Lawro then replied simply "I can't..!"
It reminded me of Norville, when he replied through the medium of song to Keith Harris, that he doubted his ability to fly at a high altitude in the sky ; although it's fair to say Norville did sound a bit more macho.
I'd love to see Martin O'Neill being given a chance at the job, but I suspect he won't be interested any more.
I had a couple of lacklustre gigs at The Stand this week...
They went well enough, but after the highs of the weekend run it was a good exercise in eliminating any twattish over-confidence.
I have a gig at a new comedy night in Burntisland in Fife tonight.
It could be tricky...
I'm looking at it as a tricky away 3rd round FA Cup tie on a wet Monday night.
It needs a steady, confident performance to avoid any disasters.
More later...!

18/11/07 The Day After

It's Saturday night in Sauchiehall Street after the big match!


















I had a fairly downbeat attitude about the Scotland v Italy game.
If you'd offered me a draw before the game, I'd have snapped your hand off and let my hopes rest on serial-chokers France coming a cropper in the Ukraine on Wednesday.
I'd enforced a media blackout all week as the build-up was doing my head in bigtime.
Although I did unfortunately manage to catch a bit of Chick Young on Friday describing how the team had received a good luck message from Sean Connery.
Chick then went on to describe how he hoped this would "stir" the Scots and "shake" the Italians.
I don't think I've ever seen a news feature on Sean Connery without some journalist twat "cleverly" attempting a comic bastardisation of the "shaken, not stirred..." line.
Lazy, lazy, lazy....
Anyway, a host of local dignitaries gathered at Parko Towers to watch this spectacle.
Shortly before kickoff there was a loud bang, and a light bulb was fired out of a lamp in my living room like a mortar round, and it all went dark.
One of the strangest things I've ever seen.
There was a short, inconclusive debate on whether this represented a good omen in advance of the match.
Paul D. piped up before the match started and said "Imagine Italy scored in the first minute...!"
Italy then proceeded to score in the first minute...
The chances of Paul D. being invited back to view any upcoming World Cup qualification matches in my gaffe are roughly equivalent to that of San Marino going on to lift the trophy in South Africa in 2010.
(I'm joking of course...)
In terms of atmosphere in my flat, it was as if someone had stuck a knitting needle into a balloon.
It should have been 2-0, as Italy were wrongly given offside for a legitimate goal.
Then Scotland equalised with an offside goal.
Then Scotland had two glorious chances to take the lead and send the country into Dreamland.
I love the fact that people who are normally fairly quiet and reserved get so emotionally involved watching football ...shouting at the telly and getting caught up in it all.
Jim's living room was buzzing!
Then...in injury time...Italy scored...disaster for Scotland...
Now if one were to look at things rationally, you could say that there were three key decisions that the officials got wrong.
Italy scored a legitimate goal disallowed for offside, Scotland's goal should have been given offside, and there was the inexplicable free kick given against Hutton which led to Italy's winner.
So you could say that Scotland benefitted from 2 out of 3 of these.
However, it's still a hard one to take.
There will always be a percentage of wrong offside decisions given in football.
It's very easy to get one wrong...you just have to accept this.
However, in all the time I've watched football, I've never seen a more bizarre free-kick given.
The Scots player had the ball and he was barged off it by the incoming Italian who made no attempt to play the ball.
The freekick was awarded to Italy by the linesman (who had a perfect, unobstructed view of the incident).
So from being fairly downbeat about the match before kick-off, I'd inevitably got caught up in all the emotion and was left feeling flat as a pancake at the end.
I couldn't even get pissed as I was on-call from work.
I've got a gig at The Stand tonight as well...will people be ready to laugh?
(just getting my excuses in early...ha ha!)

15/11/07 Quick Plug!

Well...!
What a line-up!
That's all I can say....

13/07/07 Conspiracy

Well it seems a bit extreme doesn't it?
I mean someone in Italian football flagrantly bribing an policeman to shoot someone, thus ensuring that a load of Serie A matches get postponed, thus ensuring that the Italian players get an extra rest before the big match this weekend...
Well I'm pretty sure I could get Oliver Stone to agree with me.
I sincerely hope that the Scottish players are getting special psychological training this week in which "specially trained" interrogators spend 90 minutes at a time shouting in their faces various graphic insults relating to the sexual peccadilloes of their parents....
The main object of the exercise would be conditioning them not to react to this calculated provocation!
It is important they undergo this training to avoid "Doing A Zidane" on Saturday.
We can't afford to lose a player.
In fact it would be great to get a couple extra.

I was clearing out a load of junk last night and came across a diary I kept while I was at University.
It has to be said it was largely dull, but one entry jumped out at me.
It described what I made myself for tea one night.
The gourmet extravaganza consisted of a tin (yes ..."a TIN") of "Smedleys Sausage Rolls", followed by Strawberry Angel Delight.
No wonder I was never in a position to represent Britain in the Olympics, eating shite like that.
What was I thinking of?
Tinned sausage rolls?
I haven't seen them about lately...
Has the market for tinned sausage rolls imploded?
I find that very hard to believe...!
I'd like to see an episode of "Ready Steady Cook" in which one of the contestants shakes their plastic bag to reveal a tin of Smedleys Sausage Rolls, a box of Angel Delight, a small tin of Heinz Beans and Baconburgers and a jar of Piccalili...
Just to see Ainsley do his big surprised face thing...
Now there's a fucking challenge for you....make something nice out of that shit...!
It's funny thinking of the Martians taking the piss out of people peeling potatoes and boiling them, as they sat in their spaceship eating their Instant Mash...
We need new Martians to take the piss out of the old Martians...
Who eats Instant Mash these days?
Mind you, I always thought it tasted shit from day one.
The Smedleys Sausage Rolls meal represented me having a break from the fare on offer at the MacRobert Cafeteria at Stirling University.
It was grim as well.
We used to refer to the food there as "MacBobbie Jobbie".

11/11/07 Nice...!

There's nothing more boring than reading some self-fellating blog describing how everything is fine and dandy, with no traces of angst....
Damn!
Anyway, just had a fucking ridiculously enjoyable weekend at The Stand.
I had really great gigs and such a laugh with the other comedians and the good folk of The Stand .
The banter meter was way off the scale.
Part of me thinks I should retire now and quit on a high.
It was the best time I've had since I first shuffled nervously on stage.
I got a bit emotional as I wandered home pissed last night.
It'd been a rocking night and my thoughts turned to mulling on the fact it was also my Mum's birthday.
I'd like her to have seen the show, although I suspect she would have heartily disapproved of some of the subject areas of my routines.
Now all I need is for Scotland to beat Italy next week, and Xmas will have definitely arrived preposterously early.

09/11/07 BBC Scotland...I Salute You!

Ok, so Glasgow have won the race to host the 2014 Commonwealth Games...! woo hoo!
I'm not really a big fan of athletics and stuff like that, and probably won't be obsessively counting down the days till the opening ceremony in 7 years time.
However, as I watched the BBC's coverage of the build up to the announcement, I couldn't help but get caught up in a bit of the hype and excitement which was going on in Glasgow as they nervously awaited the verdict.
Can you imagine the coverage of the Coronation missing the bit where the Archbishop of Canterbury plonks the crown on the soon-to-be Queen Elizabeth's head?
Can you imagine watching a Football World Cup Final and not catching the moment when the winning captain holds the fabled Jules Rimet trophy aloft?
Or maybe fail to broadcast the crucial penalty in a penalty shoot-out?
There's also a porno analogy I could make, but this is a family Blog.
Well yes, the BBCs coverage spectacularly failed to show live the announcement that Glasgow had won.
We were shown some female reporter prattling away in a classroom of children who were shouting excitedly...nothing wrong with that in itself.
The camera then cut away to scenes of politicians hugging each other (most notably, Alex Salmond and Annabelle Goldie)...with the commentator hurriedly saying...
"...ehhh....and Glasgow has won!"
What a cock-up!
Probably the most inept piece of broadcasting I've ever witnessed in my life.

Good gig at The Stand last night!
It was great to meet a couple of comedy heroes of mine, Lucy Porter and Owen O'Neill.
Great pros and genuinely nice people.
Looking forward to the Friday and Saturday shows...it's going to be fun.

01/11/07 The Big B

So the Bacon roll is carcinogenic!
This is a complete disaster for carnivores...
It's like imagining Old King Carnivore leading his troops into battle against the Veggie Army, and suddenly and shockingly, having his head sheared off by a flying courgette.
The carnivores are routed and are sent homewards to think again...

The bacon roll has traditionally been the secret weapon of the meat eating community; used to tempt the vegetarian back into the fold...it's generally viewed as the culinary fare most likely to generate nostalgic longings in ex-meateaters...
But now, apparently, it gives you cancer...
That tends to take a little of the shine from its tasty veneer....
Not a good day for Denmark...
I'm looking forward to me and all my friends getting back to our 21 year old weights, (as advised by these clever medical research people)

One thing I've noticed being back at work is that people who use normal phones in the office...(that you pick up, and have a curly wire thing and that ) tend be ok... whereas, those who sit with one of these ear piece things on tend be annoying twats.
Something strange happens to people when they put these things on...
Rather than making a standard phone call in a lowered voice which is not too distracting...the earpiece wearers give the impression they are acting (badly) in a Shakespearian play and spend the whole bleeding day grievously hamming it up....
Awful!

30/10/07 Jim Park Is Unwell

Got a flu type thing at the moment...
It's grim, but I reckon I've passed the worst of it...
I've had 3 gigs since I last penned this web ting.
The first was at Heresy where I boldly decided to do 90% new material.
I was pleasantly surprised that a good chunk of my set went down really well.
The delivery was fairly shambolic, but I could tell that the audience had bought into the ideas and found them funny.
The bits that worked well were ;
the Beachy Head/"clay pigeon shooting" style centre ; "Paedophiles Do The Funniest Things" TV show pitch ; buying a book "Ventriloquism For Dummies" (it teaches you how to move your eyes from side to side with someone's arm up your arse) ; embarking on a relationship with a charred corpse (carbonised dating really works)

The bits that didn't work so well were a piece on the phenomenum of people always saying at the scene of a fire "it's like a scene from Dante's Inferno", and another piece based on the fact that it would be inappropriate to say "There's more fish in the sea" to a recently divorced Canadian fisherman based in Newfoundland in 1992 when the stocks of Atlantic Cod catastrophically collapsed, (need to say something else..."there's more snakes in the grass?" :-))
I thought today for quite a good tag on to the "Ventriloquism for Dummies" piece...
ie there's an enormous range of titles now available in this series, but I haven't been able to find one that could teach me "sign language".
The next gig was at the Antiquary Bar in Stockbridge...
I was compering.
I started off with a couple of "bullet proof" jokes and was somewhat surprised to see a large piece of tumbleweed roll past me.
You can just never presume anything in this game.
It turned out to be a great gig in the end as I eventually managed to get the audience onside by rejoicing in my crappiness as an MC.
I think my compering is improving, but I'm miles more comfortable being an act.
But hey I like a challenge and I'm determined to get better at this skill.
I've got great admiration for the people I know who excel at it.
We were all slightly apprehensive about the gig, as it was free, and in a bar on a Saturday night...but people generally listened attentively...and Keir McAllister, Iain Johnstone, Matrin McAllister and Ricky Callan were in searing form.
And The Antiquary want to have another one. hurray!
After the tumbleweed incident it was great to then have very strong gig at The Stand with the same jokes that got nothing getting laughter and rounds of applause.
C'est la vie!
I've got a weekend of gigs coming up at The Stand on 8/9/10th November.
I'm really looking forward to it.
It's been a long time since I've done a weekend...I've really missed it because it's great...and I know I'm much better prepared this time.

22/10/07 Rugby

The picture is of William Webb Ellis, who allegedly invented rugby by picking up a football and running with it...
Note to today's rugby big wigs....he RAN WITH THE BALL...!! he didn't spend 80 minutes kicking it up in the fucking air...
I don't think the current game would have caught on at all if this had been the original vision...
"So what we do is kick it up in the air, chase after it, then someone from the other team catches it, and we smash into them?"
"That doesn't sound very...um, ...beautiful?"
Bill McLaren used to exclaim "Oh and it's a garryowen!" once or twice in a game...now you get about 40 in a game...
Looks like we need a few rule changes in rugby union...it's all a bit too cautious and playing percentages...
I've been trying to think of existing sports which could spawn new sports by adopting the WWE principal of doing something outwith the rules in the course of a match.
I'd thought of playing a table tennis match, and in the 3rd game produce a large leg of ham and smash it down on the table causing my opponent to miss the ball?
(I'm a bit pissed)
I hosted yet another big sports watching evening in my flat with literally tens of people who didn't really like or understand rugby coming round to watch the final.
My brother showed up later on...
He'd just got the train up from Manchester.
He was complaining that he had to share the "quiet carriage" on the Virgin train with a pissed-up stag party, a tourettes sufferer and a baby who cried for most of the journey (the tourettes sufferer set the baby off every few minutes), and apparently everyone was barking into their mobile phones...
"Quiet carriage my arse!" as Gavin described it...
There's a band playing up at Henry's Cellar Bar this Wednesday called "Cot Death".
I thought I was fairly unshockable...but I gasped a little inwardly at this snappy name.
I'm hesitant about making future predictions, but I really can't see them being invited to do a set at the Royal Variety Show, or be given an opportunity to represent the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest, or have an animated series made about their cheeky exploits for Children's BBC...
It's just not going to happen...
Maybe this doesn't concern them....I don't know....but the thing is, I listened to a song on their Myspace page and they actually sound really, really good...!
If I was their manager, I'd suggest they chose a happier, more positive name...
like "Lung Cancer" or "Bereavement" or "Brain Tumour"?
(actually that would be a hell of a line-up of bands to have on a bill!)
But "Cot Death"?? nah...it ain't going to happen....in terms of commercial potential, it's on a par with a pitch to a TV company for a wacky new programme entitled "Paedophiles Do The Funniest Things!"...

Russell Brand takes a lot of pelters but I think he's a brilliant writer and I'd recommend you read his football column in the Guardian .

18/10/07 Swiss Miss?

Pete back at work...




Well, last time saw another massive gathering of friends and aquaintances at my humble gaffe to witness the latest installment of Scotland's epic Euro 2008 qualifying campaign.
It was painful viewing....a dull boring 2-nil...about as enjoyable as an ingrowing toe-nail (do you see what I did there?)
I had my fears though...
We'd lost our best players to injury, and I still maintained that in spite of Saturday's great result, the performance was overall a bit ropey...
I wish McLeish would relax a little...he always seems so stiff and uptight at his press conferences.
He has the relaxed demeanor of someone walking through customs at Istanbul Airport with 10kg of hash taped to his chest.
Will we beat Italy?
No....
Our best chance is probably to play for a draw and hope Ukraine beat France.
It's help if there was a blizzard and it was -30 degrees in Ukraine when they meet.
I once knew someone with dry hair who deliberately used a shampoo specifically designed for greasy hair.
I should have spotted the early signs of madness, but I just thought it was a one-off.
Other news...
I moved to a different desk in the office yesterday...
I now have more space and a better view.

14/10/08 Belief

...and James McFadden's goals!






I had a large chaotic barbecue yesterday to tie in with the crucial Scotland v The Ukraine match (I like the use of the definite article in country names...I think "The Scotland" would sound impressive...quite intimidating as well, indicating we are not a nation to be trifled with...(My Latin teacher at school, the legendary Miss Urquhart would repeatedly shriek at me "Jim Park! Stop trifling!"...ah, happy days!)
Another fantastic result, although I feel that the overall lacklustre performance is being glossed over somewhat.
There were extended periods of the game where we seemed completely incapable of retaining possession for more than 5 seconds.
It was stressful viewing, although not as bad as I had anticipated.
Everybody was able to relax when McFadden slammed the third goal in...
What a sublime first touch!
I managed to traumatise my 1 year old niece Kitty at this moment.
She was playing quietly beside me and was shocked to see me jump up in the air and shout "Get In There!" at the top of my voice.
She burst into tears and took 15 minutes to recover from her Uncle's inexplicable behaviour.
My friend Pete deigned to join us for the evening viewing of the France v England rugby match (obviously not one of my most productive days)...
Just as "God Save The Queen" was being lustily sung by the English team, Pete somehow managed to knock over a couple of folded chairs...they in turn caused a large hi-fi speaker to overturn, it crashed into a large standard lamp, knocking it over, and smashing the ornate glass lamp into pieces on the fireplace, and then caused speaker number 2 to fall over clunking over my newly opened bottle of beer and knocking a cup full of tea over onto the carpet.
The first 15 minutes of the match were spent clearing up the debris from this catastrophic natural disaster, (yes, I do mean you, Pete)
It was a good game, but with too much aimless kicking, and England probably just deserved to win.
England in the final. who would have predicted that?
At the end of the evening a disappointed French friend of mine noticed I had a box of fresh figs.
She said that a good fig should have the same physical characteristics in terms of size and texture, as a man's testicle...
I had to concede that there is indeed more than a slight similarity.
She said that in France, a fresh fig has great erotic connotations...there's the testicle thing, and there's also the fact that when you open it up, it does look uncannily like a vagina.
Anyway, I found all this very interesting, and I will never be able to look at a fresh fig in quite the same way ever again.
I've just ordered Dave's new album (aka Cloudland Blue Quartet)
You can get it here http://crispycat-recordings.blogspot.com/
Let's all buy it and get Dave into the charts...
If you live in the West of Edinburgh you might remember Dave as a former gang leader.
(he was a founding member of "The Corstorphine Massive")
I'm sure you'll all be relieved to hear that Northern Rock shares have made an extraordinary recovery in the past week and are almost back to what I paid for them.
But will I sell?
Of course not...let the reckless gambling stupidity continue!
I enjoy the roller-coaster excitement of it all.
It makes me feel more relaxed when I watch Scotland play football...Let's please beat Georgia on Wednesday as I dread going into a match having to beat Italy.
They are the world masters of closing down a game in which they only need a draw.

When the Rezillos finished last week we were told we had to leave promptly as a club was about to start in the same venue.
As the ragtag army of aged Rezillos fans shuffled out of the venue, a queue of fresh faced, attractive 18-21 year olds waited to get in.
I thought to myself that this was life in microcosm...
It might have been appropriate if the Rezillos audience were zapped in the head by a stun gun as they passed through the fake "exit" door, thus beginning the process where they would be transformed into tins of "Chappie" dog food, on the basis that this would be the only valuable contribution they would be deemed capable of, in terms of benefit to society.
I'm only joking of course.

08/10/07 The Good Old Days

I went to see The Rezillos in Edinburgh on Saturday night...
In days of old, I was a ever-so-slightly obsessive fan...pretty much stalker-esque..
It's great to see them still rocking the joint even though they must now be in their late 70s...
The other members of my entourage participated in an extended bout of pogoing, but sadly my football-addled knees prevent me from taking part in this high-impact activity.
I was content to stand with my hands in my cardigan pockets and sway slowly from side to side as I sucked on a Worthers Original.
I had a decent gig at The Stand in Glasgow last night in spite of the fact I was a little weary from my Rezillo antics the night before.
Because of the gig I was unable to watch Scotland get knocked out the World Cup by Argentina.
From what I gather it was a fairly forgettable game and Scotland paid the price for leaving it too late to throw caution to the wind and have a go.
I heard the last 15 minutes on the radio as I drove home.
Gavin Hasting was summarising.
Now Hastings was a fantastic, swashbuckling rugby player in his heyday, and he achieved great things on the field of play.
However, as a broadcaster, he comes across as monumentally dull.
He doesn't seem to have much of interest to contribute, but he takes a hell of a long time to say it..a lot of mealy-mouthed cliche-ridden drivel.
He had me shouting at the car radio to "shut-up!" as I drove back along the M8.
He used to be on the telly summarising, but seems to have lost that gig.
I remember he couldn't seem to keep his hands still when speaking and always looked like he was attempting an Al Jolson impersonation.
At one point he started going on about how the All Blacks shouldn't be allowed to do the Haka before the game, and called it an anachronism.
Bollocks...I love the Haka...it's a good bit of theatre.
He seemed to be implying it gives the All Blacks an unfair advantage...baloney!
I hope I don't sound like I'm being too critical here...
I have begun to giggle every time I see Rafael Benitez, the Liverpool manager.
He has what you might describe as slightly goggly eyes.
I was reading an article in which he was described as looking like "a haddock playing a trumpet"...
It's just such a funny image...oh it makes me larf!

02/10/07 Working For The Man (again)

I've had to rejoin the world of temporary employment again...
Well Xmas is coming, the goose is getting fat etc etc
Apparently Scottish people are getting extremely fat and we are now only outporked by the USA!
I think the Americans are pretty secure in the number 1 spot, so things are unlikely to get worse for Scotland...
But we shouldn't rest too easy because number 2 is still pretty bad!
Personally I blame my friend Dave and Michelle McManus for raising the national average weight to such a high level.
If they were to perhaps emigrate to the "number 3" country, our stats might improve and we might slip down the table a bit?
It's a difficult one though, because as well as being a very talented musician, Dave is one of my best and longest-standing friends, and I would miss him...
However, we have to put the nation's health first...
2007 had been a great year for my reckless gambles in the stock market; well it was until a couple of weeks ago when I decided to buy a shit lot of Northern Rock shares.
Imagine I live on the 50th floor of a skyscraper and someone has just thrown an anvil from a window of the 100th storey.
What I effectively did was lean out of my window and catch the anvil, then continue downwards towards the pavement, holding the said anvil, shouting and screaming in vain for help, as my heinous misjudgement heads towards its inevitable, catastrophic conclusion.
Not my smartest move....
I thought I'd called the bottom of the market but I hadn't ...
Bugger...
And being a capitalist twat I don't expect I'm going to get an enormous amount of sympathy.
I'm still cool though in spite of being a golf-playing capitalist twat, ok?
Sensing that everyone is about to move out of myspace, I've moved in...
I suppose it's quite useful to keep a note of upcoming gigs and stuff like that.
I've got 30 friends.
That's respectable, and probably enough really.
As long as you avoid single figures you're ok.
Mind you, no-one really looks at page 2 of your friends anyway do they?
In the same way 99% of people will just look at page 1 of a Google search.
The stand-up has been going pretty well lately, mustn't grumble...
I had this idea about setting up a "human" clay-pigeon-type shooting club at Beachy Head.
I figured that this would go some way to counter the soaring "gun crime" figures by encouraging the criminal gun toting types to join the Beachy Head club and use their guns in a positive way.
I just figured that there are so many people jumping off Beachy Head, that it would make sense to tie in a sport with it.
If you're going to jump, I presume you wouldn't mind getting shot at on the way down?
Anyway, as well as getting the gunmen off the street, the club could provide a welcome financial boost to the local economy.
I'm not sure whether this is funny or not.
Only one way to find out....