Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Darwin Awards Nomination - Jim Park Comedian

I went for a jog a couple of nights ok, in spite of noticing that the pavements were a bit icy.
"Should be ok" I thought to myself.
I'm not one for the New Year Resolution, but in 2013 I think I'll resist doing something when I think to myself "should be ok".
When this occurs there's obviously an alternative health & safety viewpoint to be taken into consideration, which is being largely ignored.
What happened was , while jogging, I slipped sideways on the pavement  and banged into a parked car, hitting it with my shoulder, and ending up in a heap.
This then set off the car alarm.
Thankfully, I was uninjured.
I fall over quite a lot and am now quite accomplished at making a good paratrooper-style landing.
I wasn't sure whether to hang about or just continue running.
I decided to wait a couple of minutes in case the owner appeared, so that I could explain what happened, as running away looks suspicious behaviour.
It's times like this that I'm grateful that I don't live in Texas.
I'm sure that seeing someone dressed all in black, including a  balaclava, standing next to your car with the alarm going off, fully warrants a volley of semi-automatic fire from an assault rifle.
Any judge would see me as a "tangible threat to the life and property" of the shooter, and he would be automatically aquitted of all charges.
Hopefully, there might be a small demonstration by comedians outside the court protesting at the verdict?
But that would be it.
In the end, no-one appeared, although there was a fair amount of net curtain twitching going on.
I decided to take no further risks, and walked home after that.
I went swimming the next day instead.
The car park and overflow car park for the Commonwealth Pool were jammed, yet for 45 minutes I was the only person in the pool.
I was hoping people in the viewing gallery would presume I was an eccentric billionaire who'd paid to have exclusive use of the pool for an hour.

I worked out that my farcical "soup diet" of 2012 (put on 4 pounds) failed because I was eating approximately 500 calories of bread with every bowl of soup.
I genuinely never realised that the bread I was eating was so calorific.
What a clot.
I'm now giving bread a miss for a while.
It's no big deal to me, I can take it or leaven it really.
However, I'm having to write an low-carb version of the Lord's Prayer though, which is a bit of a hassle. (settled on "give us our daily oatcake")
I'm not one for faddy diets (I am ), but my latest weight loss technique is to have a big healthy breakfast every day.
It comprises of a glass of beetroot juice (aquired taste) and a large bowl of raw oats,fruit salad, natural yoghurt, hemp seeds, sultanas & pine nuts.
Other than that, just the normal diet (without the bread)
I'm not obsessive about this (I am).
I just want to get rid of a stone.
I was always 12 1/2 stone . Always.
Then one night the lardy fairy visited me. and overnight I became 13 1/2 stone.
Just want to get back to my fighting weight, then it'll be back on the fried bread rolls to celebrate.
Watch this space.

It's disappointing to see Colin Murray getting the boot from "Match Of The Day", while Lawrenson, Hansen & Co continue with their apparently "jobs for lives".
It reminds me of the apocryphal tale of some golf club in which lady members sitting on a balcony overlooking the 18th green complained to the club committee about the foul language used by gentlemen members playing the 18th green.
The committee reacted by banning women from sitting in the balcony.

No comments: