I had a gruesome session of root canal treatment yesterday.
It was just not enjoyable on any level ; very disappointing.
I had a very sore face at the end of it.
If the dentist had spent 40 minutes repeatedly punching me in the face, it wouldn't have been any less pleasant.
It's the slow-grinding drill which seems to make your whole head vibrate that I particularly dislike.
The day had started badly when I missed the attempted delivery of my new astro-turf trainers which I'd bought on the Internet.
I bought them on the Internet because the trainers i looked at in all the shops in Edinburgh were shitty, gimmicky and craptastic.
I didn't want trainers that lit up or were fluorescent silver with embarassing slogans written on them.
Anyway, I checked the card...the Citylink man had ticked the box that said "customer must collect at depot".
The depot was in Livingston.
Handy.
I drove to Livingston the next day, only to discover that the driver had ticked the wrong box, and that he was going to attempt another delivery that day.
I wasn't best pleased at this revelation, and resorted to my usual default setting of extreme sarcasm towards the Citylink receptionist.
I asked for the driver's mobile so that I could arrange to meet him in Edinburgh.
Apparently, I couldn't get this without his express permission.
I sometimes wish I would go completely ballistic in a situation like this.
I'm sure it would be immensely satisfying.
It's just not in my nature though.
They were having trouble contacting the driver, but my sarcasm eventually paid off, and they miraculously managed to contact him, and he agreed to meet me in Grove Street.
He wasn't apologetic about his idiotic mistake when I met him.
"Bit of a drag driving out to Livingstone chief!" was all he said as he handed me the package.
I was playing football that afternoon.
The trainers were too small for me.
This didn't improve my mood.
I then realised that the Internet shop was in Kirkcaldy so I just decided to drive across and exchange them.
I then went to Sainsburys.
I was walking down the steps into my flat when my baguette slid out my bag.
I didn't notice I'd dropped it until I stepped along the length of it in my muddy boots and squished it.
I wasn't happy about this development, but it was an exceptional moment of physical comedy that Rowan Atkinson would have definitely incorporated into his next hilarious Mr Bean adventure, if he had witnessed it.
In a more positive development, I have completed my self-assessment tax return a full 10 days ahead of the deadline.
This is unprecedented.
And 3 months of no smoking has now been achieved.
It's time to get the cigars out...it's finally over...possibly.
I didn't drink for 2 weeks just after the New Year.
Worryingly, I found this much more difficult that stopping smoking.
It's the continual active encouragement to drink that makes it tougher...it's still socially acceptable to pickle your liver.
Going to the cinema these days and watching all the ads is like being subjected to a massive alcohol propaganda campaign.
I think it's just a matter of time before these ads go the same way as the old fags cinema ads.
"Never Knowingly Underwater" Glasgow Comedy Festival Friday 12th March, State Bar, Glasgow.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
2010 (time and a half)
Happy New Year.
I liked the way Gordon Brown referred to the current Ice Age as a "cold snap" today.
Nobody in the meteorological camp is sticking their head above the parapet and predicting with any conviction when this is going to end.
It feels like the Festive season hasn't finished yet.
It always does drag on a bit towards the end, but this is ridiculous.
The Park clan was split up in various locations this Christmas, so I ended up in a merger with some friends and friends of friends.
It made a really refreshing change to do the Christmas thing with a mix of relatives and friends.
I was supposed to be spending New Year up North but bottled driving up with the weather and all that.
I'm now viewed as "unreliable" though, and I sense that my personal approval rating has disastrously slumped.
My brother gave me the biggest laugh of the Festive season.
A few of us were round at my sister's for a meal, and a fair amount of wine had been consumed.
I was in the kitchen, and noticed my brother opening a bottle of Italian champagne which was part of a bulk mail order my sister had organised.
I tipped Ann off about this.
Once Gavin had returned, Ann talked about how she'd invested a lot of cash in a highly prized bottle of Italian champagne.
She's been specifically advised to invest in this brand, and it would reportedly be worth a 5 figure sum if she held onto it for 10 years.
The look on Gavin's face was priceless.
It was reminiscent of a "Tom and Jerry" cartoon in which the colour theatrically drains from a character's face.
She had him hook, line and sinker for a couple of minutes.
Beautiful.
2009 was a real up and down comedy year.
The highs were fantastic gigs at the Hackney Empire and the Comedy Store.
There were also some really good reviews and also a lot of awful reviews.
(the Daily Record one stands out as the worst)
It was a great honour to be invited to do a Fringe show at The Stand.
We were mega-successful at the box-office, but took a severe kicking critically.
In 2010, I'm doing a solo show at the upcoming Glasgow Comedy Festival to drag me kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone.
I think I might finally have quit cigarettes for good.
That's nearly 3 months now, and I didn't really have any inclination to smoke during the Festive season ; traditionally,
a burial ground of ex-smokers.
Now, I can start thinking about taking the weight off (part of the non-smoking strategy was to allow gluttony)
I liked the way Gordon Brown referred to the current Ice Age as a "cold snap" today.
Nobody in the meteorological camp is sticking their head above the parapet and predicting with any conviction when this is going to end.
It feels like the Festive season hasn't finished yet.
It always does drag on a bit towards the end, but this is ridiculous.
The Park clan was split up in various locations this Christmas, so I ended up in a merger with some friends and friends of friends.
It made a really refreshing change to do the Christmas thing with a mix of relatives and friends.
I was supposed to be spending New Year up North but bottled driving up with the weather and all that.
I'm now viewed as "unreliable" though, and I sense that my personal approval rating has disastrously slumped.
My brother gave me the biggest laugh of the Festive season.
A few of us were round at my sister's for a meal, and a fair amount of wine had been consumed.
I was in the kitchen, and noticed my brother opening a bottle of Italian champagne which was part of a bulk mail order my sister had organised.
I tipped Ann off about this.
Once Gavin had returned, Ann talked about how she'd invested a lot of cash in a highly prized bottle of Italian champagne.
She's been specifically advised to invest in this brand, and it would reportedly be worth a 5 figure sum if she held onto it for 10 years.
The look on Gavin's face was priceless.
It was reminiscent of a "Tom and Jerry" cartoon in which the colour theatrically drains from a character's face.
She had him hook, line and sinker for a couple of minutes.
Beautiful.
2009 was a real up and down comedy year.
The highs were fantastic gigs at the Hackney Empire and the Comedy Store.
There were also some really good reviews and also a lot of awful reviews.
(the Daily Record one stands out as the worst)
It was a great honour to be invited to do a Fringe show at The Stand.
We were mega-successful at the box-office, but took a severe kicking critically.
In 2010, I'm doing a solo show at the upcoming Glasgow Comedy Festival to drag me kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone.
I think I might finally have quit cigarettes for good.
That's nearly 3 months now, and I didn't really have any inclination to smoke during the Festive season ; traditionally,
a burial ground of ex-smokers.
Now, I can start thinking about taking the weight off (part of the non-smoking strategy was to allow gluttony)
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I understand...
To a certain extent, I have sympathy for Tiger Woods and the predicament he currently finds himself in.
I too am a golfer, and only too aware of the accompanying pressures which participating in this sport bring.
The basic truth of the matter is that for millions of females, the sight of a man carrying a bag of golf clubs, whilst wearing a pringle sweater with brightly-coloured slacks, is the personification of irresistibility.
I've experienced this phenomenum first hand many times, and understand how easy it would be to succumb to temptation and use golf as a convenient vehicle to get off with literally hundreds of women.
In fact, as well as my regulation, full set of clubs in my bag, I also keep a shitty stick, which I use to ward off the hordes of groupies who loiter outside clubhouses waiting for golfers to emerge.
At least Tiger's downfall has brought global attention to the plight of golfers having to cope on a daily basis with this constant hounding.
It is only by choosing to play on rainy days, with a wind chill factor of minus 5C, that I can "enjoy" a game of golf without constant interruption these days.
I'm playing probably the last game of 2009 next Monday. (I thought you might be interested)
Bob, who usually whips my ass (this is a golfing metaphor), has failed to beat me in the last 8 matches.
Next Monday represents his last chance in 2009 to halt the "Jim Park Golfing Juggernaut" (I thought you might be interested).
I could just write about golf all the time really...
Is anyone still reading this?
btw I am on twitter as jimmyparker99
I can give you a hole-by-hole update if you follow me.
So there you go...
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Round up.
My sketch got a pretty decent reaction at "Melting Pot".
It probably would have been better received if anybody in the audience had heard of the Broons comic strip, (very international crowd).
I'd already decided that a Broons parody was all a bit hack anyway. Must try harder.
I was already aware that there's not quite as much money in pro snooker as there used to be.
This was confirmed when I saw that this week's snooker on BBC is the "Pukka Pie UK Snooker Championship".
No disrespect to pies, but I suspect that the sponsorship cash on offer from PP represents a tiny fraction of what the fag companies used to put up before they were banned.
It's a reverse situation from football.
In football the older retired players must curse that they missed out on the big cash £100K a week wages possibilities.
In their day, they had to either become managers or run a pub after they retired ; whereas a lot of today's players don't really need to do anything beyond their playing careers, such are the riches they can now achieve in the game.
However, in snooker, the heyday was the 80s and early 90s when Embassy and Benson & Hedges etc threw millions at the game as it gave them extended prime time terrestial TV advertising.
But now, it's the time of "Pukka Pies" and selling advertising space to local traders on their waistcoats...
I was interested to see the BBC pre-match announcer shout "Let's Get The Boys On The Baize!".
Some of the audience joined in, so I assume this is the new snooker catchphrase.
It's snooker's answer to dart's "Let's Play DARTS!" (genius)
Just been for a haircut...quite a grumpy Australian barber.
This was the opening chat?
Barber : "Were you out last night?"
Me: "Yes, just for a couple of beers"
Barber: "Where were you?"
Me: "Burlington Bertie's"
Barber: "Was there a lot of pussy in?"
Now, I thought that was a bit over-familiar, and I was a bit shocked.
I hesitated, then replied "A reasonable amount", but didn't elaborate.
This seemed to put a dampener on the conversation, and there was silence for the next 5 minutes.
Then he suddenly shouted "You stupid cunt!"
I thought he was talking to me, but he was berating someone outside who had accidentally walked into his barber "A" board on the pavement.
He then moaned about people in Gorgie being "the fucking thickest on the planet, mate..."
Australian people are supposed to be relentlessly cheery.
What has happened?
It probably would have been better received if anybody in the audience had heard of the Broons comic strip, (very international crowd).
I'd already decided that a Broons parody was all a bit hack anyway. Must try harder.
I was already aware that there's not quite as much money in pro snooker as there used to be.
This was confirmed when I saw that this week's snooker on BBC is the "Pukka Pie UK Snooker Championship".
No disrespect to pies, but I suspect that the sponsorship cash on offer from PP represents a tiny fraction of what the fag companies used to put up before they were banned.
It's a reverse situation from football.
In football the older retired players must curse that they missed out on the big cash £100K a week wages possibilities.
In their day, they had to either become managers or run a pub after they retired ; whereas a lot of today's players don't really need to do anything beyond their playing careers, such are the riches they can now achieve in the game.
However, in snooker, the heyday was the 80s and early 90s when Embassy and Benson & Hedges etc threw millions at the game as it gave them extended prime time terrestial TV advertising.
But now, it's the time of "Pukka Pies" and selling advertising space to local traders on their waistcoats...
I was interested to see the BBC pre-match announcer shout "Let's Get The Boys On The Baize!".
Some of the audience joined in, so I assume this is the new snooker catchphrase.
It's snooker's answer to dart's "Let's Play DARTS!" (genius)
Just been for a haircut...quite a grumpy Australian barber.
This was the opening chat?
Barber : "Were you out last night?"
Me: "Yes, just for a couple of beers"
Barber: "Where were you?"
Me: "Burlington Bertie's"
Barber: "Was there a lot of pussy in?"
Now, I thought that was a bit over-familiar, and I was a bit shocked.
I hesitated, then replied "A reasonable amount", but didn't elaborate.
This seemed to put a dampener on the conversation, and there was silence for the next 5 minutes.
Then he suddenly shouted "You stupid cunt!"
I thought he was talking to me, but he was berating someone outside who had accidentally walked into his barber "A" board on the pavement.
He then moaned about people in Gorgie being "the fucking thickest on the planet, mate..."
Australian people are supposed to be relentlessly cheery.
What has happened?
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Suspicious
Amongst the pile of Christmas cards, I spotted a plain envelope addressed to "The Parents or Carers of Jim Park".
That's an unusual first line, I thought.
Has my performance at the "Heresy Comedy Club" last week led to moves for me to be sectioned?
With a degree of trepidation, I opened the letter...even though it was not actually addressed to me personally.
Was I breaking the law?
Anyway, it turns out that it was from the Organ Donor Registry people confirming that "Jim Park" had registered to donate his organs.
I then noticed that the date of birth of "Jim Park" recorded in the document was "14/05/2009".
I was officially only 6 months old, hence the letter being addressed to my "parents or carer".
I can't help feeling that there is something slightly dodgy in a parent registering his infant child for organ donation.
There is obviously a question of consent!
And it's not really the nicest present you can give your 6 month old son.
I could now be under suspicion for having some illegal organ dealing business.
I might already be under surveillance by the social services.
This is the most interesting thing that has happened to me today.
I've got sketch on in "Melting Pot" tonight at The Stand, so will be going along to hear how it goes.
I don't think it's that great, but it's good to force yourself to write.
I saw "Me and Orson Welles" yesterday, and it's the most I have enjoyed a film for yonks.
I still haven't managed to buy new trainers yet.
It's a scandal.
I noticed that this weekend there are a couple of "Tap O'Lauriston Memorial" events.
I used to work and socialise in this much missed Edinburgh Institution, so may go along to pay my respects.
It was an interesting bar, in that one side of it was very much a traditional "old man" type pub, whilst the other side was a trendy, muso, arty bar.
When you worked there, you effectively worked in both bars, as the service area was circular with the trendy and old-fashioned bars on different sides.
It was hard work, and you could hardly see for smoke...but hey, ...good times!
That's an unusual first line, I thought.
Has my performance at the "Heresy Comedy Club" last week led to moves for me to be sectioned?
With a degree of trepidation, I opened the letter...even though it was not actually addressed to me personally.
Was I breaking the law?
Anyway, it turns out that it was from the Organ Donor Registry people confirming that "Jim Park" had registered to donate his organs.
I then noticed that the date of birth of "Jim Park" recorded in the document was "14/05/2009".
I was officially only 6 months old, hence the letter being addressed to my "parents or carer".
I can't help feeling that there is something slightly dodgy in a parent registering his infant child for organ donation.
There is obviously a question of consent!
And it's not really the nicest present you can give your 6 month old son.
I could now be under suspicion for having some illegal organ dealing business.
I might already be under surveillance by the social services.
This is the most interesting thing that has happened to me today.
I've got sketch on in "Melting Pot" tonight at The Stand, so will be going along to hear how it goes.
I don't think it's that great, but it's good to force yourself to write.
I saw "Me and Orson Welles" yesterday, and it's the most I have enjoyed a film for yonks.
I still haven't managed to buy new trainers yet.
It's a scandal.
I noticed that this weekend there are a couple of "Tap O'Lauriston Memorial" events.
I used to work and socialise in this much missed Edinburgh Institution, so may go along to pay my respects.
It was an interesting bar, in that one side of it was very much a traditional "old man" type pub, whilst the other side was a trendy, muso, arty bar.
When you worked there, you effectively worked in both bars, as the service area was circular with the trendy and old-fashioned bars on different sides.
It was hard work, and you could hardly see for smoke...but hey, ...good times!
Friday, December 04, 2009
Born to be Mild
So I did my joke about a clipboard facilitating a speedy passage along Princes Street at the Heresy Comedy Club last night.
Nothing.
Not a sausage.
Unprecedented.
That immediately sends a comedy flare up that you should just abandon the script and fool around as much as possible, which
is what I tried to do, with varying degrees of success.
I made some banter with some IT guys about Cobol.
It wasn't very funny.
Who'd have thunk it?
It's a good training exercise.
Mind you, the chuggers on Princes Street seem to have abandoned their trademark clipboards, and are less easily identifiable.
The clipboard has obviously become a loathed symbol of their ilk, and has been replaced by a little badge that you don't notice
until it's too late.
"Excuse me sir!"
Aaarrghh...!
I watched Channel 4 News depressingly document the continuing, seemingly unstoppable, deforestation of the Amazon.
I'd like the whole of Scotland to be covered in trees again just like the good, old days of the "Great Caledonian Forest" (we've only got about 1% of the forest we used to have).
So, couldn't we reforest the whole Highlands, and by doing so get a massive indefinite EEC subsidy for our carbon offsetting, then the population could forever live off the fat of the land, and we'd all live happily ever after.
And by doing so we could help fix the global warming thing.
Just a thought.
I know...but I'm trying to come up with a quick thought every day to keep my brain active.
Right. Xmas Shopping. Go go go.
Nothing.
Not a sausage.
Unprecedented.
That immediately sends a comedy flare up that you should just abandon the script and fool around as much as possible, which
is what I tried to do, with varying degrees of success.
I made some banter with some IT guys about Cobol.
It wasn't very funny.
Who'd have thunk it?
It's a good training exercise.
Mind you, the chuggers on Princes Street seem to have abandoned their trademark clipboards, and are less easily identifiable.
The clipboard has obviously become a loathed symbol of their ilk, and has been replaced by a little badge that you don't notice
until it's too late.
"Excuse me sir!"
Aaarrghh...!
I watched Channel 4 News depressingly document the continuing, seemingly unstoppable, deforestation of the Amazon.
I'd like the whole of Scotland to be covered in trees again just like the good, old days of the "Great Caledonian Forest" (we've only got about 1% of the forest we used to have).
So, couldn't we reforest the whole Highlands, and by doing so get a massive indefinite EEC subsidy for our carbon offsetting, then the population could forever live off the fat of the land, and we'd all live happily ever after.
And by doing so we could help fix the global warming thing.
Just a thought.
I know...but I'm trying to come up with a quick thought every day to keep my brain active.
Right. Xmas Shopping. Go go go.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Resting
The problem being "between jobs" at this time of year is the shit weather.
Sometimes I think, I might as well be sheltering in someone else's office using their central heating.
If it was June or July, this enforced leisure period would be much more enjoyable.
But dems da breaks.
Jeff O'Boyle was compering Red Raw at The Stand on Monday.
He informed the audience that there would be a "prize draw".
There is always a prize draw, and the existing convention is that on hearing this news, the audience make an excitable
"woooooooooo!" sound.
Interestingly, I was the only person in the club that night who made an excitable (and very loud) "woooooooooo!' sound.
It was very funny.
You had to be there.
I've always thought of myself as having a relaxed, informal Bohemian style when it comes to dress sense and appearance.
This is a look I've assiduously cultivated through the years.
However, my self-image took a bit of a knock on Monday when I was compared to a "tramp" by two separate individuals of my aquaintance.
I assume the remarks were borne primarily out of jealously, as the accusers themselves are highly unlikely to find themselves in the shortlist for "Best Dressed Person 2009".
Nevertheless, I don't want to be complacent, and am going to buy some new clothes this weekend.
I've now gone 7 weeks without a cigarette, and feel good.
My lungs are cock-a-hoop, but my liver is a bit pissed off at the additional workload that has come its way as a consequence of my decision to bid farewell to Mr Nicotine.
I got through the "Beechers Brook" of the no fags regime ok (ie doing a Thurs/Fri/Sat run at The Stand without succumbing to the temptation of the ritual pre and post-gig cigs).
However, this is just a warm up for the "Festive Period" ; very much the Helmand Province tour for the ex-smoking fraternity.
I was trying to get parked near Causewayside in Edinburgh yesterday without much success.
Then suddenly I came across a street with loads and loads of free "pay and display" spaces.
Something didn't seem right.
Anyway, I parked and approached the meter to buy my 30 minutes of parking time (more than enough, but sensibly buying a little extra in case I got delayed).
So anyway, it turns out you have to buy AT LEAST 3 hours of parking time...for £3.
No wonder the street was empty.
Whose idea was that?
I reluctantly paid the £3 then found out that the sports shop that I was told was a good place to buy trainers, doesn't exist any more.
I just want a bog standard pair of trainers, without lights on them, or big padded heels, or stupid colours, that have astro turf studs on them...but apparently this is impossible.
It's an injustice, it is.
Sometimes I think, I might as well be sheltering in someone else's office using their central heating.
If it was June or July, this enforced leisure period would be much more enjoyable.
But dems da breaks.
Jeff O'Boyle was compering Red Raw at The Stand on Monday.
He informed the audience that there would be a "prize draw".
There is always a prize draw, and the existing convention is that on hearing this news, the audience make an excitable
"woooooooooo!" sound.
Interestingly, I was the only person in the club that night who made an excitable (and very loud) "woooooooooo!' sound.
It was very funny.
You had to be there.
I've always thought of myself as having a relaxed, informal Bohemian style when it comes to dress sense and appearance.
This is a look I've assiduously cultivated through the years.
However, my self-image took a bit of a knock on Monday when I was compared to a "tramp" by two separate individuals of my aquaintance.
I assume the remarks were borne primarily out of jealously, as the accusers themselves are highly unlikely to find themselves in the shortlist for "Best Dressed Person 2009".
Nevertheless, I don't want to be complacent, and am going to buy some new clothes this weekend.
I've now gone 7 weeks without a cigarette, and feel good.
My lungs are cock-a-hoop, but my liver is a bit pissed off at the additional workload that has come its way as a consequence of my decision to bid farewell to Mr Nicotine.
I got through the "Beechers Brook" of the no fags regime ok (ie doing a Thurs/Fri/Sat run at The Stand without succumbing to the temptation of the ritual pre and post-gig cigs).
However, this is just a warm up for the "Festive Period" ; very much the Helmand Province tour for the ex-smoking fraternity.
I was trying to get parked near Causewayside in Edinburgh yesterday without much success.
Then suddenly I came across a street with loads and loads of free "pay and display" spaces.
Something didn't seem right.
Anyway, I parked and approached the meter to buy my 30 minutes of parking time (more than enough, but sensibly buying a little extra in case I got delayed).
So anyway, it turns out you have to buy AT LEAST 3 hours of parking time...for £3.
No wonder the street was empty.
Whose idea was that?
I reluctantly paid the £3 then found out that the sports shop that I was told was a good place to buy trainers, doesn't exist any more.
I just want a bog standard pair of trainers, without lights on them, or big padded heels, or stupid colours, that have astro turf studs on them...but apparently this is impossible.
It's an injustice, it is.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Disappointing
I started to watch France v Ireland last night and had an inkling that the Irish were more than capable of pulling off a shock result.
They've got a fantastic togetherness about them, which Scotland occasionally have, but often pathetically don't, (eg last Saturday).
In the end, that controversial goal was hard to take.
I desperately didn't want to witness a "glorious failure" in the Scotland tradition, but I think Ireland's experience eclipsed even Scotland's formidable record in this area.
It's so disappointing that in a match of this stature, the wrong call was made on a huge decision.
There's now an overwhelming case for video technology to be made available to the 4th official, and perhaps use the "2 appeals allowed" system currently in force in tennis.
There is a fair amount of hypocrisy doing the rounds though.
I remember Joe Jordan's handball against Wales which bizarrely resulted in Scotland getting a penalty and scoring the decisive goal that took us to the Argentina World Cup in 1978.
I can't remember a lot of agonising going on in Scotland over the unfairness of the decision against the Welsh, (who were by far the better team on the night).
Although, if time travel became available, I'm sure a few Scots might want to go back and kidnap the referee before the Scotland v Wales match, and hope that a less myopic replacement would give a different decision.
In the end, it might save Scotland from making that harrowing trip to Argentina, and "Ally's Tartan Army" would never have been written, and Andy Cameron would never have appeared on Top of the Pops.
I know you shouldn't meddle with the Space-Time Continuum, but there should surely be some exceptions to this general rule?
Mind you, Archie Gemmil's goal against the Dutch was good...
Hmm...
I'm still not sure what Joe Jordan was trying to do.
I assume he wasn't trying to get a penalty.
I've never seen a decision like that one before or since.
I'll be taking advantage of the fine weather to go for a relaxing drive through to Glasgow tonight, as I'm doing the weekend at The Stand there.
Headlining is one of my all-time comedy heroes, Simon Munnery.
They've got a fantastic togetherness about them, which Scotland occasionally have, but often pathetically don't, (eg last Saturday).
In the end, that controversial goal was hard to take.
I desperately didn't want to witness a "glorious failure" in the Scotland tradition, but I think Ireland's experience eclipsed even Scotland's formidable record in this area.
It's so disappointing that in a match of this stature, the wrong call was made on a huge decision.
There's now an overwhelming case for video technology to be made available to the 4th official, and perhaps use the "2 appeals allowed" system currently in force in tennis.
There is a fair amount of hypocrisy doing the rounds though.
I remember Joe Jordan's handball against Wales which bizarrely resulted in Scotland getting a penalty and scoring the decisive goal that took us to the Argentina World Cup in 1978.
I can't remember a lot of agonising going on in Scotland over the unfairness of the decision against the Welsh, (who were by far the better team on the night).
Although, if time travel became available, I'm sure a few Scots might want to go back and kidnap the referee before the Scotland v Wales match, and hope that a less myopic replacement would give a different decision.
In the end, it might save Scotland from making that harrowing trip to Argentina, and "Ally's Tartan Army" would never have been written, and Andy Cameron would never have appeared on Top of the Pops.
I know you shouldn't meddle with the Space-Time Continuum, but there should surely be some exceptions to this general rule?
Mind you, Archie Gemmil's goal against the Dutch was good...
Hmm...
I'm still not sure what Joe Jordan was trying to do.
I assume he wasn't trying to get a penalty.
I've never seen a decision like that one before or since.
I'll be taking advantage of the fine weather to go for a relaxing drive through to Glasgow tonight, as I'm doing the weekend at The Stand there.
Headlining is one of my all-time comedy heroes, Simon Munnery.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Thursday Thoughts
My sketch got a great reaction at "Melting Pot".
I was very happy about this, feeling weirdly nervous about the whole thing as my sketch was introduced.
So I now feel suitably motivated to write some more.
I have plenty of free time to do it...there is no excuse.
I've been watching a bit of "International Bowls" on BBC2 this week.
One of the prominent sponsors on the advertising hoardings is "Co-operative Funeral Services".
This was the first time I have seen a funeral business sponsor a televised sport.
I know that sponsorship is thin on the ground at the moment in light of the prevailing economic climate, but have
the Bowls people really thought this through?
It doesn't exactly make bowls seem like an aspirational lifestyle choice.
The subliminal message seems to be "why not have a game of bowls? oh and btw you're going to die soon ...".
Where do you draw the line though?
Would they also accept sponsorship from "Incontinence Pants R Us"?
It might be an idea to stipulate that the competing players dress up as "Grim Reapers" to reinforce the brand sponsorship?
I think that funeral advertising would work better on Motorway signs, bottles of whisky, packets of cigarettes, the summits of mountains and comedy club green rooms.
At least these activities have a more obvious link with the death thing.
The problem is that people don't really like being reminded that there is a sport called bowls, and that we will all watch it accidentally one day.
There's a universal squeamishness about this subject.
But there's no way you can avoid it.
I was very happy about this, feeling weirdly nervous about the whole thing as my sketch was introduced.
So I now feel suitably motivated to write some more.
I have plenty of free time to do it...there is no excuse.
I've been watching a bit of "International Bowls" on BBC2 this week.
One of the prominent sponsors on the advertising hoardings is "Co-operative Funeral Services".
This was the first time I have seen a funeral business sponsor a televised sport.
I know that sponsorship is thin on the ground at the moment in light of the prevailing economic climate, but have
the Bowls people really thought this through?
It doesn't exactly make bowls seem like an aspirational lifestyle choice.
The subliminal message seems to be "why not have a game of bowls? oh and btw you're going to die soon ...".
Where do you draw the line though?
Would they also accept sponsorship from "Incontinence Pants R Us"?
It might be an idea to stipulate that the competing players dress up as "Grim Reapers" to reinforce the brand sponsorship?
I think that funeral advertising would work better on Motorway signs, bottles of whisky, packets of cigarettes, the summits of mountains and comedy club green rooms.
At least these activities have a more obvious link with the death thing.
The problem is that people don't really like being reminded that there is a sport called bowls, and that we will all watch it accidentally one day.
There's a universal squeamishness about this subject.
But there's no way you can avoid it.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Never Knowingly Underwater
That's the working title for my debut solo show at the Glasgow Comedy Festival in March next year.
It makes me laugh, but that is no guarantee of anything.
Other news.
I've extended my unbeaten run of golf challenges against Bob Hind to 3 matches.
I thought you might be interested in that impressive statistic.
We've started playing a regular game at Braid Hills of a Monday morning.
It's a great start to the week, and the views over Edinburgh were amazing in the bright autumnal sunshine.
You can never really get blase about stuff like that.
I've written a few bits and pieces and am getting one of my sketches performed at "Melting Pot" at The Stand tomorrow night.
I'm slightly apprehensive about what "death by proxy" might feel like, if it bombs.
And through the letterbox has just arrived, "The Rhythm Method".
Yes, it's the memoirs of erstwhile "Revillos" drummer, Rocky Rhythm, aka Nicky Forbes.
I was an obsessive Rezillos/Revillos fan, and got to know the band and their entourage fairly well, way back in the day.
I am looking forward to reading some warts and all retelling of the anecdotes of these halcyon days.
Nearly 4 weeks of no cigarettes.
I am now feeling slightly healthier, I think.
I'm going to try and sign up for a Smoking Cessation Group.
I think I could probably manage ok on my own, but I'm interested in getting involved and seeing how it's run.
It makes me laugh, but that is no guarantee of anything.
Other news.
I've extended my unbeaten run of golf challenges against Bob Hind to 3 matches.
I thought you might be interested in that impressive statistic.
We've started playing a regular game at Braid Hills of a Monday morning.
It's a great start to the week, and the views over Edinburgh were amazing in the bright autumnal sunshine.
You can never really get blase about stuff like that.
I've written a few bits and pieces and am getting one of my sketches performed at "Melting Pot" at The Stand tomorrow night.
I'm slightly apprehensive about what "death by proxy" might feel like, if it bombs.
And through the letterbox has just arrived, "The Rhythm Method".
Yes, it's the memoirs of erstwhile "Revillos" drummer, Rocky Rhythm, aka Nicky Forbes.
I was an obsessive Rezillos/Revillos fan, and got to know the band and their entourage fairly well, way back in the day.
I am looking forward to reading some warts and all retelling of the anecdotes of these halcyon days.
Nearly 4 weeks of no cigarettes.
I am now feeling slightly healthier, I think.
I'm going to try and sign up for a Smoking Cessation Group.
I think I could probably manage ok on my own, but I'm interested in getting involved and seeing how it's run.
Friday, November 06, 2009
Comedy Gospel
"Comedy criticism is basically what a cunt thought of something they didn’t understand"
Frankie Boyle.
Amen.
Frankie Boyle.
Amen.
So anyway...
I haven't smoked for 3 weeks...
Do I feel any different?
No...
Oh well, at least I've saved some cash.
I've been spending a lot of time trying to write various things. It's hard, really hard.
I have a lot of stuff, but have no idea whether any of it is funny or not.
Someone passed me a video of a typical day in a Factory Egg Farm type place.
Hideous.
The sight of a continuous conveyor belt of "commercially valueless" live male chicks getting dropped into a grinding machine has put me right off eggs.
It's the way no concession is made whatsoever that these are living creatures that really sticks in the craw.
I don't have a problem eating animals that are reared humanely, then stunned and slaughtered.
And yes, amn't I great?
It's ironic in that a lot of "vegetarians" will happily eat eggs.
And, oh shit, eggs get used in cakes don't they?
And omelettes...
Jeezo...
Anyway, on that hilarious note, I had a fun gig at the "Queens Retreat" in South Queensferry this week.
This was my venue of choice for underage drinking when I lived in SQ.
Underaged beer is the best tasting beer you will ever taste...Nectar of the gods.
(obviously I'm not going to extend this metaphor)
They must have been very relaxed about things.
I didn't even look 18 when I was 18.
Funnily enough, the decor in the bar is pretty much exactly the same as I'd remembered it.
Well if it ain't broke, don't fix it...that's what I say.
JoJo Sutherland runs a really great comedy night there, with a great regular crowd who are well up for the comedy thing.
I left my clipboard in the bar though.
Was this a subconscious decision to free myself from its clutches?
I'm looking forward to seeing Miles Jupp get bollocked by Peter Capaldi in "In The Thick of It" on Saturday.
I can just imagine the chemistry being really funny there.
I read Frankie Boyle's autobiography.
Very funny.
The complete absence of hyperbole is impressive.
He just routinely describes the different stages of his successful career in a matter-of-fact way, and throws in a lot of
his trademark acerbic descriptions.
(it makes my self-congratulatory prose on doing a good 5 minutes at Red Raw seem horribly embarassing. Perhaps it's better just to concentrate on writing jokes and let others say whether it's any good or not)
His affectionate tribute to The Stand's Chris Cooper as "..a frighteningly degraded-looking 26. He looked like a 26 -year-old man from the Middle Ages and spoke in a low, rasping, sexualised whisper." caused me to nearly fall off my seat laughing.
I know Chris will have been equally amused.
At the same time I was reading Michael Palin's diaries.
This was with his permission though, as he's published them in a book.
You could hardly get two more different author perspectives, but they were both absolutely compelling reads.
I am now making soup.
I am loving the not-having-a-proper-job-thing.
Do I feel any different?
No...
Oh well, at least I've saved some cash.
I've been spending a lot of time trying to write various things. It's hard, really hard.
I have a lot of stuff, but have no idea whether any of it is funny or not.
Someone passed me a video of a typical day in a Factory Egg Farm type place.
Hideous.
The sight of a continuous conveyor belt of "commercially valueless" live male chicks getting dropped into a grinding machine has put me right off eggs.
It's the way no concession is made whatsoever that these are living creatures that really sticks in the craw.
I don't have a problem eating animals that are reared humanely, then stunned and slaughtered.
And yes, amn't I great?
It's ironic in that a lot of "vegetarians" will happily eat eggs.
And, oh shit, eggs get used in cakes don't they?
And omelettes...
Jeezo...
Anyway, on that hilarious note, I had a fun gig at the "Queens Retreat" in South Queensferry this week.
This was my venue of choice for underage drinking when I lived in SQ.
Underaged beer is the best tasting beer you will ever taste...Nectar of the gods.
(obviously I'm not going to extend this metaphor)
They must have been very relaxed about things.
I didn't even look 18 when I was 18.
Funnily enough, the decor in the bar is pretty much exactly the same as I'd remembered it.
Well if it ain't broke, don't fix it...that's what I say.
JoJo Sutherland runs a really great comedy night there, with a great regular crowd who are well up for the comedy thing.
I left my clipboard in the bar though.
Was this a subconscious decision to free myself from its clutches?
I'm looking forward to seeing Miles Jupp get bollocked by Peter Capaldi in "In The Thick of It" on Saturday.
I can just imagine the chemistry being really funny there.
I read Frankie Boyle's autobiography.
Very funny.
The complete absence of hyperbole is impressive.
He just routinely describes the different stages of his successful career in a matter-of-fact way, and throws in a lot of
his trademark acerbic descriptions.
(it makes my self-congratulatory prose on doing a good 5 minutes at Red Raw seem horribly embarassing. Perhaps it's better just to concentrate on writing jokes and let others say whether it's any good or not)
His affectionate tribute to The Stand's Chris Cooper as "..a frighteningly degraded-looking 26. He looked like a 26 -year-old man from the Middle Ages and spoke in a low, rasping, sexualised whisper." caused me to nearly fall off my seat laughing.
I know Chris will have been equally amused.
At the same time I was reading Michael Palin's diaries.
This was with his permission though, as he's published them in a book.
You could hardly get two more different author perspectives, but they were both absolutely compelling reads.
I am now making soup.
I am loving the not-having-a-proper-job-thing.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Stretching credulity
So what do you think the connection shared by these celebrities?
Yes, you're absolutely right!
They are indeed "celebrities" whom people have said that I "remind them of".
I swear to god this is true...
I sense that the alleged "Marlon Brando" similarity will generate the biggest communal guffaw....
This was said to me by a girl I met in Peru.
In fairness, she was no obviously no stranger to recreational drugs, and I feel this may have slightly skewed her judgement.
I also neglected to establish whether she was referring to the smouldering, dangerous sexuality of the young Brando, or
whether she meant the elderly Brando in "The Godfather" who has a cardiac arrest in his garden, pretending to be a monster to his grandson, with a bit of orange peel in his mouth.
I'll never know.
I'm assuming it's the former.
The others are Frank Skinner, James Woods, Steptoe, Richard E. Grant & Geoffrey Rush.
Having finished my IT contract, I now have a lot more time on my hands.
Could you have guessed this?
If I had to pick I'd take the Christopher Lambert one, and to be honest, I can't really see the Steptoe likeness at all.
I think that was just said as a poorly conceived joke.
I'm not delusional, so don't start questioning my sanity...
It's a relief to have finished my contract, and I'll never be able to say that I miss the social aspect of the job.
This is mainly because, there never was any social aspect to the job.
Not a lot of fun at all.
Other than that, there was a big get-together in the Oxford Bar last week.
My friend David reminded me yet again that I once brought too much curry on a hillwalking trip.
Every time he recounts this anecdote, it just gets funnier and funnier and funnier.
Little did I know that my fateful decision to bring a little too much curry on a hillwalking trip would provide years and years of unending amusement.
And apparently, I went to sleep straight after the walk too!
Comedy...it's a funny old game...!
I am on tomorrow night at the "Queens Retreat" in South Queensferry, if you want to talk to me about why I decided to bring
a little too much curry on a hillwalking trip.
It's good to feel chipper again though.
I was ill for virtually the whole of October.
Illness is, first and foremost, boring as hell.
I reckon I had swine flu, then followed it up with some exotic cold/throat infection which I picked up on the flight back from Spain.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
A bit knackered...
t’s been a busy week.
I’ve been gigging in Aberdeen and Glasgow (both great gigs), then did a spot at Jongleurs in Edinburgh last night.
It went ok, but it wasn’t spectacular.
It’s a pretty tough room to play ; a long rectangle with the stage in the middle.
The opening 20 act, who I think is hilarious, was not getting much of a reaction at all.
I bemused them initially, but finished pretty strongly.
I’d never set foot in this club before, so it was something of a culture shock.
The staff are great though and can’t do enough for you ; free drinks and food and all that.
I’d like to do it again though, as all of the comics agreed that last night’s audience was severe hard work.
I was thinking of trying some joke about how I was the new European welterweight boxing champion, having
just beaten the reigning Spanish champion the previous evening.
Just before the bell went, I got my trainer to sneak behind the champ at his corner, and stick two long spikes with feathers on them into the back ofhis neck.
I then got a friend of mine to ride a horse into the ring and poke him on the back several times with a big sharp lance thing.
He was quite startled by this, and I capitalised on his distraction and strode across and biffed him,
knocking him out.
I still say it was a fair fight.
Probably just as well, I didn’t try that last night.
The fact that someone put another “Downfall” spoof on youtube, this time with an Edinburgh Trams theme, has massively increased the hit rate of our TSOTT video. (It appears on the same frame when you view the “Downfall” one).
I wouldn’t call it a viral phenomenum quite yet, but we have now accrued more views than the “official” trams video which we initially used for our spoofery.
I actually suggested to my erstwhile TSOTT colleagues that we should now maybe capitalise on the brand awareness and write a sketch show purely about the Trams fiasco!
It would act as a form of redemption in view of all the pelters we took for our lack of trams content.
Sadly, I was told to “fuck off” in so many words, and that they never wanted to have anything ever to do with trams again.
Bastards!
This is a sad loss, isn’t it?
What?
Oh fuck off, that’s a terrible attitude!
No, it's ok...I fully understand.
I saw Billy Connolly three times last week at the Usher Hall in Edinburgh.
That may seem a bit mental to some people, but I don’t know how many more tours he’ll be doing.
He’s 66 now, you know.
Anyway, I’d say 60-70% of the material each night was new.
He did about 2 hours 10 mins each night without a break ; of pure stand-up.
It’s pretty extraordinary stuff.
It felt odd to have just stumbled on some tickets on the Usher Hall’s web site the night before ; then to find
myself sitting in the front row, when all the concerts had apparently been “sold out” for months.
Strange.
I watched a bit of the SCOTY Gong show, after my “Fourplay” gig in Glasgow.
I was expecting a bearpit but it was disappointingly civilised.
So there you go!
I’ve been gigging in Aberdeen and Glasgow (both great gigs), then did a spot at Jongleurs in Edinburgh last night.
It went ok, but it wasn’t spectacular.
It’s a pretty tough room to play ; a long rectangle with the stage in the middle.
The opening 20 act, who I think is hilarious, was not getting much of a reaction at all.
I bemused them initially, but finished pretty strongly.
I’d never set foot in this club before, so it was something of a culture shock.
The staff are great though and can’t do enough for you ; free drinks and food and all that.
I’d like to do it again though, as all of the comics agreed that last night’s audience was severe hard work.
I was thinking of trying some joke about how I was the new European welterweight boxing champion, having
just beaten the reigning Spanish champion the previous evening.
Just before the bell went, I got my trainer to sneak behind the champ at his corner, and stick two long spikes with feathers on them into the back ofhis neck.
I then got a friend of mine to ride a horse into the ring and poke him on the back several times with a big sharp lance thing.
He was quite startled by this, and I capitalised on his distraction and strode across and biffed him,
knocking him out.
I still say it was a fair fight.
Probably just as well, I didn’t try that last night.
The fact that someone put another “Downfall” spoof on youtube, this time with an Edinburgh Trams theme, has massively increased the hit rate of our TSOTT video. (It appears on the same frame when you view the “Downfall” one).
I wouldn’t call it a viral phenomenum quite yet, but we have now accrued more views than the “official” trams video which we initially used for our spoofery.
I actually suggested to my erstwhile TSOTT colleagues that we should now maybe capitalise on the brand awareness and write a sketch show purely about the Trams fiasco!
It would act as a form of redemption in view of all the pelters we took for our lack of trams content.
Sadly, I was told to “fuck off” in so many words, and that they never wanted to have anything ever to do with trams again.
Bastards!
This is a sad loss, isn’t it?
What?
Oh fuck off, that’s a terrible attitude!
No, it's ok...I fully understand.
I saw Billy Connolly three times last week at the Usher Hall in Edinburgh.
That may seem a bit mental to some people, but I don’t know how many more tours he’ll be doing.
He’s 66 now, you know.
Anyway, I’d say 60-70% of the material each night was new.
He did about 2 hours 10 mins each night without a break ; of pure stand-up.
It’s pretty extraordinary stuff.
It felt odd to have just stumbled on some tickets on the Usher Hall’s web site the night before ; then to find
myself sitting in the front row, when all the concerts had apparently been “sold out” for months.
Strange.
I watched a bit of the SCOTY Gong show, after my “Fourplay” gig in Glasgow.
I was expecting a bearpit but it was disappointingly civilised.
So there you go!
Monday, September 14, 2009
IT Pin-up boy
So anyway, I hated the idea of getting a great big photo on myself on the back page of my work's in-house corporate magazine thing.
However, I convinced myself that it was going to be good publicity for "The Silence of the Trams" show, and agreed to go ahead with it.
Unfortunately, publication was delayed, and the magazine came out A WEEK AFTER the show had finished.
Marvelous...
So in the end, we got no publicity benefit from this whatsoever, and I have to put up with my big, stupid face looking at me from hundreds of copies of the magazine scattered throughout the office.
I've decided to punch the next person in the face who passes me in the office and says "tell me a joke, funny man!".
My cover's been blown, and life will never be the same again in my present workplace.
It's not the best photo I've ever seen of me either.
I'm sporting a ridiculous, self-satisfied smirk.
The only way that a decent photo can be taken of me involves a total ignorance on my part that someone is pointing a camera at me.
Something terrible happens as soon as I pose for a photo.
I used to deliberately do ridiculous toothy grins for school photos to sabotage the shot, and it appears that I never managed to re-adjust my camera image to look natural again.
It's also worth pointing out that the magazine itself is fairly tedious.
In it you can find out interesting facts about the Financial Accounting Section, and read a quick interview with the deputy-manager of the department.
Usually, they've got ambitions to play a round of golf with Tiger Woods, and say that their ideal dinner companions would be Linda Lusardi ("because she's lovely!") and Henry VIII ("because he'd have lot's of interesting stories!").
And apparently "the staff of a company are its most important asset!"
This makes me feel valued, and almost makes it up for having my photo everywhere.
Kanye West may well feel like a complete twat after his impromptu awards speech, but it's trivial compared to my embarassment.
It's tough on Kanye though.
There's nothing worse than trying to be noble to impress a lady, and you just end up embarassing her.
I've got a rich experience of such gestures.
I remember trying to be cool on my new moped in front of an object of my desire, but managed to hit the kerb and fall off the aforementioned vehicle right in front of her.
But even that wasn't as bad as this magazine thing.
However, I convinced myself that it was going to be good publicity for "The Silence of the Trams" show, and agreed to go ahead with it.
Unfortunately, publication was delayed, and the magazine came out A WEEK AFTER the show had finished.
Marvelous...
So in the end, we got no publicity benefit from this whatsoever, and I have to put up with my big, stupid face looking at me from hundreds of copies of the magazine scattered throughout the office.
I've decided to punch the next person in the face who passes me in the office and says "tell me a joke, funny man!".
My cover's been blown, and life will never be the same again in my present workplace.
It's not the best photo I've ever seen of me either.
I'm sporting a ridiculous, self-satisfied smirk.
The only way that a decent photo can be taken of me involves a total ignorance on my part that someone is pointing a camera at me.
Something terrible happens as soon as I pose for a photo.
I used to deliberately do ridiculous toothy grins for school photos to sabotage the shot, and it appears that I never managed to re-adjust my camera image to look natural again.
It's also worth pointing out that the magazine itself is fairly tedious.
In it you can find out interesting facts about the Financial Accounting Section, and read a quick interview with the deputy-manager of the department.
Usually, they've got ambitions to play a round of golf with Tiger Woods, and say that their ideal dinner companions would be Linda Lusardi ("because she's lovely!") and Henry VIII ("because he'd have lot's of interesting stories!").
And apparently "the staff of a company are its most important asset!"
This makes me feel valued, and almost makes it up for having my photo everywhere.
Kanye West may well feel like a complete twat after his impromptu awards speech, but it's trivial compared to my embarassment.
It's tough on Kanye though.
There's nothing worse than trying to be noble to impress a lady, and you just end up embarassing her.
I've got a rich experience of such gestures.
I remember trying to be cool on my new moped in front of an object of my desire, but managed to hit the kerb and fall off the aforementioned vehicle right in front of her.
But even that wasn't as bad as this magazine thing.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
September
Looks like this is turning into a monthly blog.
Pathetic.
I'm still slightly frazzled in the aftermath of the Fringe.
Even more pathetic.
So anyway, "The Silence of the Trams" ; the verdict?
Well, the number of tickets we sold was way, way beyond our most ambitious hopes.
We got a mention in Tommy Sheppard's post-Fringe press statement.
We had 3 reviews ; one was decent and 2 were dreadful.
Some people dismiss reviews as "just one person's opinion".
I think that's true in certain cases, but if the writer is knowledgeable and has a respect in the comedy business, then it's
delusional to completely discard what they have to say about you.
I've completely discarded what they had to say about us.
Our reviewer from Festmag, Sarah D'Arcy, attended on one of our best nights.
She sat in the front row, continuously writing copious notes on an A4 notebook , and laughed heartily throughout the show ; then gave us a right kicking in the review.
The reviewer in The Skinny, Rebecca Gordon, also came on a really good night, and then proceeded to hammer us.
Both of them seemed to be outraged that the show wasn't entirely about trams.
Imagine that...a Fringe show with a funny title, that doesn't correspond precisely with the whole content of the show.
I've never seen that done before!...Unprecedented...!
(Although the Evening News stitched us up by intimating that the show was purely about trams, but who takes seriously anything that is written in the Evening News?)
The skinny reviewer is also a self-styled "film reviewer" but "has never seen Citizen Kane" and recently watched "Love Actually" for "about the millionth time" ; according to her Blog.
No more questions, your honour.
I'm not bitter though...not at all...no, really!
I had a load of friends come along, and cringed inside slightly as I knew they'd heard much of the material many times before.
I feel their pain.
The problem is that the majority of the audience hadn't seen us before, so you want to use your strongest, bankable stuff.
But having churned it out for a month, I'm committed to binning most the old favourites and becoming a born-again comedian.
On the plus side it was great fun and a fantastic honour to do a show as part of the Stand Fringe programme.
There's hundreds of comedians who would kill to get a Fringe spot with them, so we appreciate how lucky we were to get invited.
I should have gone to see more Fringe stuff, but working during the day killed me.
I saw "Camille O'Sullivan" and was completely blown away by her.
She did a load of my favourite songs (Bowie, Jaques Brel,Tom Waits), and managed to make an incredible emotional connection with the audience, the likes of which I hadn't previously witnessed in my puff.
Unfortunately, Scottish comedy's Gordon Alexander wasn't as impressed as me, and his demeanor during the show was akin to him watching Grimsby Town lose a relegation dog-fight, six-pointer at home to Hull City.
Jo Caulfield made me laugh by describing how some Japanese people had walked out of her show after 5 minutes.
They went to the box-office and complained ;
"We were expecting a "performance", but it was just a woman talking on the stage".
So there you go...
I was looking through some of my Dad's old books last night, and came across a biography of the RAF's famous wartime pilot, Sir Douglas Bader,"Flying Colours".
He must have bought this in a charity shop, as someone has made written notes on some of the pages, and it is not my dad's handwriting.
My favourite "note" is on page 204.
It states "Bader was still hated in the RAF in the sixties. He was a big-headed, snobbish, little bastard".
This made me cackle with laughter.
I must try to get out more.
Other notes I liked were ;
"The middle/upper class get the gongs and knighthoods. The erks get fuckall"
"Did Spike Milligan write this book?"
Maybe this was an angry ex-RAF man who made these comments and gave the book to a charity shop so that his views would become more widely circulated.
Pathetic.
I'm still slightly frazzled in the aftermath of the Fringe.
Even more pathetic.
So anyway, "The Silence of the Trams" ; the verdict?
Well, the number of tickets we sold was way, way beyond our most ambitious hopes.
We got a mention in Tommy Sheppard's post-Fringe press statement.
We had 3 reviews ; one was decent and 2 were dreadful.
Some people dismiss reviews as "just one person's opinion".
I think that's true in certain cases, but if the writer is knowledgeable and has a respect in the comedy business, then it's
delusional to completely discard what they have to say about you.
I've completely discarded what they had to say about us.
Our reviewer from Festmag, Sarah D'Arcy, attended on one of our best nights.
She sat in the front row, continuously writing copious notes on an A4 notebook , and laughed heartily throughout the show ; then gave us a right kicking in the review.
The reviewer in The Skinny, Rebecca Gordon, also came on a really good night, and then proceeded to hammer us.
Both of them seemed to be outraged that the show wasn't entirely about trams.
Imagine that...a Fringe show with a funny title, that doesn't correspond precisely with the whole content of the show.
I've never seen that done before!...Unprecedented...!
(Although the Evening News stitched us up by intimating that the show was purely about trams, but who takes seriously anything that is written in the Evening News?)
The skinny reviewer is also a self-styled "film reviewer" but "has never seen Citizen Kane" and recently watched "Love Actually" for "about the millionth time" ; according to her Blog.
No more questions, your honour.
I'm not bitter though...not at all...no, really!
I had a load of friends come along, and cringed inside slightly as I knew they'd heard much of the material many times before.
I feel their pain.
The problem is that the majority of the audience hadn't seen us before, so you want to use your strongest, bankable stuff.
But having churned it out for a month, I'm committed to binning most the old favourites and becoming a born-again comedian.
On the plus side it was great fun and a fantastic honour to do a show as part of the Stand Fringe programme.
There's hundreds of comedians who would kill to get a Fringe spot with them, so we appreciate how lucky we were to get invited.
I should have gone to see more Fringe stuff, but working during the day killed me.
I saw "Camille O'Sullivan" and was completely blown away by her.
She did a load of my favourite songs (Bowie, Jaques Brel,Tom Waits), and managed to make an incredible emotional connection with the audience, the likes of which I hadn't previously witnessed in my puff.
Unfortunately, Scottish comedy's Gordon Alexander wasn't as impressed as me, and his demeanor during the show was akin to him watching Grimsby Town lose a relegation dog-fight, six-pointer at home to Hull City.
Jo Caulfield made me laugh by describing how some Japanese people had walked out of her show after 5 minutes.
They went to the box-office and complained ;
"We were expecting a "performance", but it was just a woman talking on the stage".
So there you go...
I was looking through some of my Dad's old books last night, and came across a biography of the RAF's famous wartime pilot, Sir Douglas Bader,"Flying Colours".
He must have bought this in a charity shop, as someone has made written notes on some of the pages, and it is not my dad's handwriting.
My favourite "note" is on page 204.
It states "Bader was still hated in the RAF in the sixties. He was a big-headed, snobbish, little bastard".
This made me cackle with laughter.
I must try to get out more.
Other notes I liked were ;
"The middle/upper class get the gongs and knighthoods. The erks get fuckall"
"Did Spike Milligan write this book?"
Maybe this was an angry ex-RAF man who made these comments and gave the book to a charity shop so that his views would become more widely circulated.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday
Disappointingly, there was one empty seat at last night's TSOTT show...
There it was at the back,staring at us contemptuously...
Our run of sell-outs had to come to an end sometime.
The other TSOTT boys were initially refusing to go on... giving it the big Diva stuff...
"We only perform to FULL HOUSES..." they shrieked through hysterical tears.
Thankfully, I managed to persuade them that this was the wrong attitude, and that it was churlish to blame this audience for the "one empty seat" fiasco.
We had a problem connecting the laptop to the digital projector, and as a result I had to stand in front of the audience holding up the laptop to play the Trams video.
It was all very comical, and I really enjoyed watching the audience reaction to it...they loved it.
I had by a long way my best gig of the run....
Afterwards, it was straight through to Glasgow and a spot at the Glasgow Stand.
It was probably the best ever gig I have had there, putting the cap on a
great day.
I ended up giving fellow comics Paddy Lennox and Jason John Whitehead a lift back to Edinburgh.
As we left the Stand there was a full-on monsoon in progress.
I hate doing the M8 in torrential rain late at night.
Never a pleasant driving experience.
The comedy gods had obviously decided that my day had just gone too well, and that I needed some adversity.
This came initially with the discovery that that the East-bound slip road onto the M8 at Charing Cross was coned off.
I'm not that familiar with driving in Glasgow, but located an alternative M8 slip road, and it too was coned off.
Then I got lost. (didn't have the sat nav with me...didn't think I needed it!)
I drove around somewhere in Glasgow for about 45 minutes trying to find my bearings.
It's fair to say that, the torrential rain wasn't helping matters.
Eventually,found a way onto the M8 at got home at about 1.15am.
knackered.
I was so wired from the horrible torrential rain M8 driving experience that I couldn't get to sleep and was lying awake at 4.00am.
I am now feeling very dozy...
It's an early night tonight, that's for sure.
I haven't eaten anything but sushi for the last 4 days.
It's the ideal Fringe fuel.
It keeps you going and feeling sharp without any bloatedness.
I think I could live off it all the time.
My wallet might disagree though.
And traditionally at the Fringe, the pounds have started slipping off, as one meal a day seems to suffice.
(it all goes wrong in September though, when I start eating like a bear emerging from hibernation)
There it was at the back,staring at us contemptuously...
Our run of sell-outs had to come to an end sometime.
The other TSOTT boys were initially refusing to go on... giving it the big Diva stuff...
"We only perform to FULL HOUSES..." they shrieked through hysterical tears.
Thankfully, I managed to persuade them that this was the wrong attitude, and that it was churlish to blame this audience for the "one empty seat" fiasco.
We had a problem connecting the laptop to the digital projector, and as a result I had to stand in front of the audience holding up the laptop to play the Trams video.
It was all very comical, and I really enjoyed watching the audience reaction to it...they loved it.
I had by a long way my best gig of the run....
Afterwards, it was straight through to Glasgow and a spot at the Glasgow Stand.
It was probably the best ever gig I have had there, putting the cap on a
great day.
I ended up giving fellow comics Paddy Lennox and Jason John Whitehead a lift back to Edinburgh.
As we left the Stand there was a full-on monsoon in progress.
I hate doing the M8 in torrential rain late at night.
Never a pleasant driving experience.
The comedy gods had obviously decided that my day had just gone too well, and that I needed some adversity.
This came initially with the discovery that that the East-bound slip road onto the M8 at Charing Cross was coned off.
I'm not that familiar with driving in Glasgow, but located an alternative M8 slip road, and it too was coned off.
Then I got lost. (didn't have the sat nav with me...didn't think I needed it!)
I drove around somewhere in Glasgow for about 45 minutes trying to find my bearings.
It's fair to say that, the torrential rain wasn't helping matters.
Eventually,found a way onto the M8 at got home at about 1.15am.
knackered.
I was so wired from the horrible torrential rain M8 driving experience that I couldn't get to sleep and was lying awake at 4.00am.
I am now feeling very dozy...
It's an early night tonight, that's for sure.
I haven't eaten anything but sushi for the last 4 days.
It's the ideal Fringe fuel.
It keeps you going and feeling sharp without any bloatedness.
I think I could live off it all the time.
My wallet might disagree though.
And traditionally at the Fringe, the pounds have started slipping off, as one meal a day seems to suffice.
(it all goes wrong in September though, when I start eating like a bear emerging from hibernation)
Saturday, August 08, 2009
And they're off....
We had our first night “proper” of the TSOTT run last night.
Another sell-out.
Another sauna.
A few jokey heat references this time to make light of the desperate discomfort.
I enjoyed the gig a lot more than the previous night, feeling a lot looser and relaxed.
As of last year the esteemed publication “Three Weeks” sent a reviewer to see our show on the FIRST NIGHT of the run.
I don’t really feel any great anxiety about reviews like I used to.
I’ve had some great ones this year, and also some complete stinkers.
Kipling was right...
Although, obviously I’d prefer if the reviews were all great, of course….
I'm not STUPID.
It’s funny how the stress levels are so low (with the occasional exception, eg Gordon having to get a taxi from the venue to his flat and back ; 25 minutes from showtime, to get a laptop) to previous Fringes.
It’s now a fairly seamless routine, to get in, give the running order to Erik the Tech, play the Trams Video, activate the virtual compere, do your act, present the prize draw then go home.
Last year we seemed to spend hours looking for missing cds, props, organising guest spots, etc etc
It all seems so organised now. Bliss.
And, it has to be said it’s an incredible honour and privilege to be part of the Stand Fringe programme.
We appreciate we’re really lucky to be given this opportunity, and are desperate to make the show as successful as possible.
Ideally, I would like to be stretching myself a bit more in terms of doing longer sets.
We are all capable of doing longer sets, but because of the restrictions of a 4 man show in an hour, it’s always going to have to be a fairly tight set.
I’m constantly tweaking and trying out new little bits every day though, so it’s great to have a long run of gigs
to be able to do this.
When Tommy Sheppard did his traditional speech at The Stand Fringe Press Launch, he was very critical of the inflexibility of the Council and the massive disruption that the current state of the Tram works were causing to the hosting of the Fringe in Edinburgh.
At this point we glanced at each other thinking that this could well lead to a link to plug our show…
But anyway, it wasn’t, and afterwards we laughed at our misplaced, self-importance.
We’re “Plankton And Proud!”:-)
The ticket sales seems to be going really well anyway, so mustn’t grumble!
I toyed with the idea of going to see The Stranglers at the Picture House last night, but felt too weary in the end.
Reading an Evening News article on said band earlier in the day, I was somewhat shocked to discover that the drummer
Jet Black is now “in his seventies”.
Jesus!
It was one of these moments when the passage of time really hit me.
Fair play to him though…!
I ended up having a couple of pints with star of the hit 2005 Edinburgh Fringe spectacular “Park’s Circus” ; Mr Tony Wilkes.
He then missed his train (apparently the late Glasgow trains don’t stop at Haymarket), and crashed at Chateau Parky.
Another sell-out.
Another sauna.
A few jokey heat references this time to make light of the desperate discomfort.
I enjoyed the gig a lot more than the previous night, feeling a lot looser and relaxed.
As of last year the esteemed publication “Three Weeks” sent a reviewer to see our show on the FIRST NIGHT of the run.
I don’t really feel any great anxiety about reviews like I used to.
I’ve had some great ones this year, and also some complete stinkers.
Kipling was right...
Although, obviously I’d prefer if the reviews were all great, of course….
I'm not STUPID.
It’s funny how the stress levels are so low (with the occasional exception, eg Gordon having to get a taxi from the venue to his flat and back ; 25 minutes from showtime, to get a laptop) to previous Fringes.
It’s now a fairly seamless routine, to get in, give the running order to Erik the Tech, play the Trams Video, activate the virtual compere, do your act, present the prize draw then go home.
Last year we seemed to spend hours looking for missing cds, props, organising guest spots, etc etc
It all seems so organised now. Bliss.
And, it has to be said it’s an incredible honour and privilege to be part of the Stand Fringe programme.
We appreciate we’re really lucky to be given this opportunity, and are desperate to make the show as successful as possible.
Ideally, I would like to be stretching myself a bit more in terms of doing longer sets.
We are all capable of doing longer sets, but because of the restrictions of a 4 man show in an hour, it’s always going to have to be a fairly tight set.
I’m constantly tweaking and trying out new little bits every day though, so it’s great to have a long run of gigs
to be able to do this.
When Tommy Sheppard did his traditional speech at The Stand Fringe Press Launch, he was very critical of the inflexibility of the Council and the massive disruption that the current state of the Tram works were causing to the hosting of the Fringe in Edinburgh.
At this point we glanced at each other thinking that this could well lead to a link to plug our show…
But anyway, it wasn’t, and afterwards we laughed at our misplaced, self-importance.
We’re “Plankton And Proud!”:-)
The ticket sales seems to be going really well anyway, so mustn’t grumble!
I toyed with the idea of going to see The Stranglers at the Picture House last night, but felt too weary in the end.
Reading an Evening News article on said band earlier in the day, I was somewhat shocked to discover that the drummer
Jet Black is now “in his seventies”.
Jesus!
It was one of these moments when the passage of time really hit me.
Fair play to him though…!
I ended up having a couple of pints with star of the hit 2005 Edinburgh Fringe spectacular “Park’s Circus” ; Mr Tony Wilkes.
He then missed his train (apparently the late Glasgow trains don’t stop at Haymarket), and crashed at Chateau Parky.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
TSOTT begins
We had our first preview for TSOTT at the Traverse theatre on Monday night.
68 paying punters rolled in which was way more than we had anticipated.
Alas, we couldn’t show our intro Tram spoof video due to technological constraints, but the show was generally well-received and it was certainly a worthwhile outing.
It’s clear that the show name was what got the punters in, rather than the individuals involved in it, (even though we are all brilliantly funny…obviously).
I’d also imagine that there was very possibly, a certain degree of disappointment amongst a proportion of the audience,that the show wasn’t entirely devoted to lampooning the saga that the Edinburgh Trams Project has developed into.
The challenge we face is to make the show so funny, that people ultimately won’t mind that the show didn’t quite fit into their pre-conceived idea of what it was all about.
It’s handy that the name attracts people, but we need to get a good word-of-mouth going from these punters to really get the box-office zinging.
I reckon that by the end of August, neither myself, Jeff O’Boyle, Martin McAllister or Gordon Alexander will want to set eyes on one another for at least 6 months, or wish to hear any of each other’s material ever again.
That’s my prediction.
They intensely irritate me already and we haven’t even started the run yet.
It’s not their fault though…they just don’t realise how naturally irritating they are.
Maybe I should mention it to them sometime?
Other news, I have bought an Apple Mac.
I have finally summoned the courage to tell Bill Gates to “step off”.
Is it too late for me to re-train in the way of the Mac?
Who knows…the point is I really hate “Windows” and always have done.
I only justified sticking to a PC because I’m generally using a PC at work.
Now, however, the IT freelance market is on the point of collapse, so it’s maybe time to move on and do something else.
Maybe I’ll write a best-selling guide on switching from one to another “with hilarious consequences”.
68 paying punters rolled in which was way more than we had anticipated.
Alas, we couldn’t show our intro Tram spoof video due to technological constraints, but the show was generally well-received and it was certainly a worthwhile outing.
It’s clear that the show name was what got the punters in, rather than the individuals involved in it, (even though we are all brilliantly funny…obviously).
I’d also imagine that there was very possibly, a certain degree of disappointment amongst a proportion of the audience,that the show wasn’t entirely devoted to lampooning the saga that the Edinburgh Trams Project has developed into.
The challenge we face is to make the show so funny, that people ultimately won’t mind that the show didn’t quite fit into their pre-conceived idea of what it was all about.
It’s handy that the name attracts people, but we need to get a good word-of-mouth going from these punters to really get the box-office zinging.
I reckon that by the end of August, neither myself, Jeff O’Boyle, Martin McAllister or Gordon Alexander will want to set eyes on one another for at least 6 months, or wish to hear any of each other’s material ever again.
That’s my prediction.
They intensely irritate me already and we haven’t even started the run yet.
It’s not their fault though…they just don’t realise how naturally irritating they are.
Maybe I should mention it to them sometime?
Other news, I have bought an Apple Mac.
I have finally summoned the courage to tell Bill Gates to “step off”.
Is it too late for me to re-train in the way of the Mac?
Who knows…the point is I really hate “Windows” and always have done.
I only justified sticking to a PC because I’m generally using a PC at work.
Now, however, the IT freelance market is on the point of collapse, so it’s maybe time to move on and do something else.
Maybe I’ll write a best-selling guide on switching from one to another “with hilarious consequences”.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
That's what friends are for...
So anyway, I did this gig at The Stand a few weeks ago.
It was a Sunday night and I had a 10 minute open spot.
I made up my mind to try out some completely new material.
Shortly after arriving at the club, I was told there were 2 reviewers in.
One of them was the Daily Record.
After a bit of thought, I decided to press on with my original plan, and just go with some new stuff.
There were 6 acts on the bill, so if it went badly I'd most likely be ignored, as most of the review would probably concentrate on the legendary Phil Nichol, who was headlining.
I'd say trying out new material is a bit like asking someone out on a date when you are by no means certain what the response will be.
It's also difficult to do it confidently in front of an audience of strangers.
So I do the gig...it doesn't go particularly well.
Most of the acts were in agreement that it was a very quiet audience, and it was a night where everyone had to work hard for the laughs.
In a way it was probably an ideal night to try out new material, because if it had gone over really well with that audience, then it was obviously comedy dynamite you had on your hands.
Weeks passed, and I forgot about the Daily Record review.
I'd done a bit of googling but there was no sign of it.
My good friend Billy came to the rescue.
His girlfriend had spotted it in the Daily Record, and Billy was helpful enough to read it to me on the phone.
He is a kindly soul.
What became immediately apparent was that the reviewer only talked about 2 acts from the 6 who were on.
This was myself and the headliner Phil Nichol.
Surprisingly, he'd actually written more words about me than Phil.
Anyway, here it is......
"As Frank Carson endlessly pointed out, the way you tell 'em often matters more than the material itself when it comes to being funny.
Carson's advice sprung to mind while watching Jim Park, one of half a dozen acts at the Sunday night package show.
Jim has a neat line in oddball oneliners but cunningly manages to deliver each and every one of them absolutely stillborn. Deadpan just doesn't do him justice.
Presented with more vim,verve and structure, or possibly by someone else, his surreal gags could slay an audience.
Instead, he left this one looking confused and slightly embarassed for him.
Cruelly, the more Jim died on stage, the funnier I found his act, to the point where I began to wonder if he was deliberately sabotaging his own set.
I laughed until I cried but I suspect it was for all the wrong reasons."
When you get a "rave" review like that, the first thing your comedy training tells you to do is look for a quotable quote...
"I laughed until I cried" Daily Record, is the one that stands out.
(I have misquoted it slightly on my web page, but taken from the Daily Record, there's an amusing irony in that)
There's also "a neat line in oddball oneliners" "surreal gags...slay an audience"
So that's all positive.
I can't really regret trying out a load of new stuff with reviewers in.
I think if I'd gone for the tried and tested and had a solid gig, I wouldn't have been mentioned.
Elaine Malcolmson and Jeff O'Boyle had top gigs I thought, but didn't warrant a mention by Mr Jonathan Trew.
He'd obviously wanted a sacrificial lamb to use in his "Frank Carson" themed piece, and I assumed that role.
So, yes, it's a bit unfair, but he still has a point.
I was talking to a UK comedy mogul recently, and he said he really liked my stuff, but that I needed a greater stylisation in the delivery if I was to climb further up the comedy ladder.
We have a preview of "The Silence of the Trams" at the Traverse Theatre on Mon 27th July.
Feel free to come along and watch me "deliberately sabotage" the show... :-)
It was a Sunday night and I had a 10 minute open spot.
I made up my mind to try out some completely new material.
Shortly after arriving at the club, I was told there were 2 reviewers in.
One of them was the Daily Record.
After a bit of thought, I decided to press on with my original plan, and just go with some new stuff.
There were 6 acts on the bill, so if it went badly I'd most likely be ignored, as most of the review would probably concentrate on the legendary Phil Nichol, who was headlining.
I'd say trying out new material is a bit like asking someone out on a date when you are by no means certain what the response will be.
It's also difficult to do it confidently in front of an audience of strangers.
So I do the gig...it doesn't go particularly well.
Most of the acts were in agreement that it was a very quiet audience, and it was a night where everyone had to work hard for the laughs.
In a way it was probably an ideal night to try out new material, because if it had gone over really well with that audience, then it was obviously comedy dynamite you had on your hands.
Weeks passed, and I forgot about the Daily Record review.
I'd done a bit of googling but there was no sign of it.
My good friend Billy came to the rescue.
His girlfriend had spotted it in the Daily Record, and Billy was helpful enough to read it to me on the phone.
He is a kindly soul.
What became immediately apparent was that the reviewer only talked about 2 acts from the 6 who were on.
This was myself and the headliner Phil Nichol.
Surprisingly, he'd actually written more words about me than Phil.
Anyway, here it is......
"As Frank Carson endlessly pointed out, the way you tell 'em often matters more than the material itself when it comes to being funny.
Carson's advice sprung to mind while watching Jim Park, one of half a dozen acts at the Sunday night package show.
Jim has a neat line in oddball oneliners but cunningly manages to deliver each and every one of them absolutely stillborn. Deadpan just doesn't do him justice.
Presented with more vim,verve and structure, or possibly by someone else, his surreal gags could slay an audience.
Instead, he left this one looking confused and slightly embarassed for him.
Cruelly, the more Jim died on stage, the funnier I found his act, to the point where I began to wonder if he was deliberately sabotaging his own set.
I laughed until I cried but I suspect it was for all the wrong reasons."
When you get a "rave" review like that, the first thing your comedy training tells you to do is look for a quotable quote...
"I laughed until I cried" Daily Record, is the one that stands out.
(I have misquoted it slightly on my web page, but taken from the Daily Record, there's an amusing irony in that)
There's also "a neat line in oddball oneliners" "surreal gags...slay an audience"
So that's all positive.
I can't really regret trying out a load of new stuff with reviewers in.
I think if I'd gone for the tried and tested and had a solid gig, I wouldn't have been mentioned.
Elaine Malcolmson and Jeff O'Boyle had top gigs I thought, but didn't warrant a mention by Mr Jonathan Trew.
He'd obviously wanted a sacrificial lamb to use in his "Frank Carson" themed piece, and I assumed that role.
So, yes, it's a bit unfair, but he still has a point.
I was talking to a UK comedy mogul recently, and he said he really liked my stuff, but that I needed a greater stylisation in the delivery if I was to climb further up the comedy ladder.
We have a preview of "The Silence of the Trams" at the Traverse Theatre on Mon 27th July.
Feel free to come along and watch me "deliberately sabotage" the show... :-)
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