26/07/06 Jimmy Cricket

I was asked at the last minute to turn out for the Edinburgh University Physics Dept cricket team.
I've never really played cricket before but figured that batting was vaguely similar to hitting a golf ball so I might be able to get way with it.
The Physics team is called "E=MCC".
(So that immediately "hits for six" anyone who might opine that Physics lecturers have no sense of humour.)
I was put in as batsman No. 4.
You have to wear a "box" to protect your dangly bits.
It's basically a hard codpiece type thing that you place beneath your pants.
This is all well and good, but there weren't enough to go around so I had to use the sweaty "box" that the number 3 batsman had been using before me. Yuk!
I was told that the "box" tip is to wear 2 pairs of pants and place the "box" between the two.
I was bricking it as I ambled out to the crease. The bowling looked pretty darn fast.
Anyway, after a few bowls wooshed menacingly by, I got into my stride and hit 17 runs before being caught.
That was the 3rd highest score of our team.
I felt quite smug and clever.
Maybe I could have been a pro if I'd started earlier in life?
Anyway, our turn to bowl came and the captain asked if I could bowl.
My confidence was high from the batting so I accepted the role.
This is where it all went wrong.
The first bowl was ok.
The second went about 10 yards wide of the wicket.
That makes it a "wide". They get a run and you have to add an extra bowl in your over.
The next went about 30 yards wide of the wicket.
Another "wide". Another extra delivery to be added on.
I was feeling tinges of humiliation and wanted the over to end sometime soon.
The last tragic image of my opening bowling spell was the ball bouncing 4 times before coming to a virtual stop in front of the batsman.
I should have just stuck to batting.
I conceded 21 runs in my first over.
I could have been a contender.
Anyway, we lost.
But very enjoyable though.
I don't like cricket...I love it.
Similarly, on a sporting theme I played golf at Newbattle with Bill and Pete (who I hadn't seen for more than 10 years).
Pete has retained his rugged good looks and is a great example to the rest of us.
He's quite good at golf too.
Although working for Edinburgh Council obviousl;y affords him plenty of time to practice.

23/07/06 Stayin' Alive....

I was sitting in my flat last night at 11.30pm when I heard someone repeatedly trying to get in to my flat through the door that connects with the ground floor lobby.
"Hmmm...that's strange!" I thought to myself.
"Do I go and investigate, risking a bread knife in the chest from an aggressive mentalist? Or do I immediately do nothing, but condemn myself to a period of prolonged conjecture wondering who it might have been?"
I decided to see who it was.
I nicked up the stairs, opened the door and saw an elderly american couple walking up the stairs.
"Were you trying to get in here?" I asked politely.
"Do you live there?"
"Yes, this is my flat..."
"Is your name PARK? " (This is what it says on the door)
"errr...Yes...I'm Jim Park"
"Ah, we thought that the door was an entrance to "The Park" outside, so we thought we'd have a quick look..."
"Ah"
"Is your first name Andy?"
"No, it's Jim.." (as I had just told them seconds before)
"hah! That's too bad. Andy Park is in the "Bee Gees"!!"
"Really?"

Andy Park in the "Bee Gees"?
That certainly was a new one to me.
I always thought that it was the Gibb brothers who made up the constituent parts of the aforementioned pop combo.
And there, the slightly strange encounter ended.
I assume they are the parents of some Americans who are renting the flat upstairs.
But perhaps they were burglars using the clever disguise of doo-lally American tourists to allay suspicion?

I could have pointed out to them, that while trying to get into someone's flat in Scotland is generally met with a sympathetic interpretation of the misunderstanding ; trying this routine in the States is likely to be met with a volley of automatic gunfire, and a sympathetic hearing from the County Judge for the householder at the Homicide hearing.
I was initially tempted to take my baseball bat to the door, but instead opted for a Ghandi-like approach to the problem.

I suppose I should be grateful that they didn't see the sign "PARK", and then decide to drive their car into my living room, thinking it was a free car parking area.
That could have been messy....

20/07/06 Scorchio...!

The tricky North-West face of Shehallion






I had a gig at The Stand on Monday night which went really well.
I then had another one at The Stand the following night.
This wasn't very good.
I did the same set, but the belly laughs of 24 hours previous were replaced by quizzical stares.
It was the reaction you'd expect if you were showing your dog a card trick.
A group of friends and aquaintances came to one of the shows.
Which one do you think it was?
Typical...!
In fairness, Tuesday was a struggle for a lot of the acts ; although Jim Hobbit produced a trademark mentalist performance that got the place rocking...!
He certainly read the room better than I did, that's for sure.
I've got a million and one things to do, but I find the hot weather just turns me into a slothy layabout.
Thank goodness it's a bit cooler today....
I walked up the mountain Shehallion yesterday in The Trossachs.
It was a tough slog in the heat but it was amazing at the top.
Knackered today though..and I've got football tonight.
One of my great comedy heroes, Richard Herring, has agreed to do a guest spot for "Kill The Monster" on the 19th August, so I'm looking forward to that.

14/07/06 Hot Hot Hot

"Are you talking to me...?"




I had a really good gig at The Stand in Glasgow this week.
It was especially pleasing because they had been a very tricky audience and it was initially difficult to get them going.
I've got another short set next Tuesday (18/7) at The Stand in Edinburgh in case anyone fancies coming along.
I must apologise in advance though for doing the hardy perennials!
I just want to have a good gig and hopefully get longer spots in the future.
I was watching the Big Cat special programme last night on BBC3.
They were studying the awkward relationship that lions have with hyenas.
Whenever the subject of Hyenas comes up, I've noticed that it is now common for the commentator to bemoan the bad press that these animals get, and then prompt you to marvel at their toughness and survival skills.
This is all fair enough, but they do seem to me to be the true "neds" of the animal kingdom.
It's very difficult to watch them catching prey.
They don't have the physical attributes needed to kill their prey outright before they eat it.
The lion grabs nother animals round the neck and asphyxiates them before eating.
However, the hyena's bite is designed purely to rip chunks of flesh off the bone.
The poor victim just has to sit there and get eaten alive.
Not pleasant. Either to watch or experience.
Also, if you are a lion and you've killed something, you don't get a spare minute to relax and have a nice meal.
You get pestered by more and more hyenas until they drive you way through force of numbers.
It's be like sitting down to have a fish supper at the table and having a group of neds running round the table persistently trying to pinch a chip off your plate, then eventually knocking the plate off the table and eating it all.
I would hate that.
I wouldn't marvel at their ingenuity and persistence.
I'd just want to wring their necks.
Ah but they are all god's creatures I suppose.
I had a dream in which my Fringe show started with someone dressed as a rabbit doing a starnge dance to the instrumental record "Popcorn" by the one-hit-wonders "Hot Butter".
I feel that this is a sign from the Comedy Gods and that I should now make this the start of my show or risk their wrath.
If you know anyone with a rabbit costume with reasonable co-ordination, then don't hesitate to contact me.

11/07/06 Hey Baldie!

According to a lip-reading friend of mine, that's what Materazzi said to Zidane..!
I'd say that it was a reasonable reaction by ZZ under the circumstances.
It's a shame to see him bow out like that though.
He's a football god.
I'll remember his performance against Brazil long after I've forgotten the headbutt.
Anyway, my Italian brother-in-law Max had a great weekend.
A baby daughter and Italy winning the World Cup!
It doesn't get much better than that...
He watched the match in hospital with my sister but left to drive back into Edinburgh before the penalty shoot-out ; convinced that Italy's previous woeful record at penalties would continue.
My brother was staying in his flat in town, and "Wag" that he is, he told Max that Italy had indeed lost on penalties..and kept the story going for a few minutes...even describing the missed Italian penalties...before imparting the good news...! He is evil! mwhaaaa-ha-ha-ha (evil laughter).
It is interesting to read about all the theories about what was said to Zidane to make him completely lose the plot...
When the truth is out, it may seem quite tame.
The problem is that insults often don't have the same resonance in different countries.
For example, a Spanish granny might exclain "Oh You Cunt!", when she burns her finger doing the ironing, and no-one would bat an eyelid.
If my Granny had ever said that, I'd have collapsed in shock.
Also the alleged "Son of a prostitute" is a really common expression in Latin countries and isn't that big a deal.
No worse than "Son of A bitch" really, which you might hear someone say on the "A Team".
I can only assume it must be a racial slur.
If it is FIFA should come down on Materazzi like a ton of bricks.
The tournament has been punctuated with enormous "Kick Racism Out Of Football" banners, pre-match speeches condemning racism etc
This is all going to look pathetic if they don't react accordingly when racism is shown to take place on the pitch.

07/07/06 Hooray!!!!

Just a short Blog to announce the joyful news that my sister Janie has given birth to a bouncing baby girl upon this very morn...!
I am an Uncle for the first time and I'm dead excited about it...
Congratulations to Janie and Max !!!!
Also, being a Rangers fan, I'm delighted that the baby now shares a birthday with the Queen Mother...!
Back of the net...!!!!

01/07/06 It's Over...!

Oh well, so it wasn't to be.
One thing is certain.
British bookmakers have probably had the best day in their history.
Brazil and England were the by far heaviest backed teams in the tournament by UK punters.
I'd suggest you buy shares immediately in Betting Companies as they will have landed enormous profits from today's World Cup events.
I don't really relate to saddos who go out and buy Portugal shirts and go mental when England lose.
However, unless you're a partisan England fan, the overall impression is that England have brought nothing to this tournament in terms of quality football and entertainment. I'm not delirious to see them go out, but I'm certainly not sad either.
It's all been dreary and negative, mainly due to singularly unambitious tactics.
It's a crying shame, as they have got fantastic individual players who have been denied the platform to express themselves on the world stage.
The fact that the new manager has been appointed from within the present flawed management team doesn't bode well for the future.
If there was any natural justice, the World Cup should should have been presented to Zidane after his incredible performance last night against Brazil.
"There you go, son. Well done. We can all go home now."
He was conducting an irresistible symphony of Gallic flair...! (poetry an' everything in this Blog!)
Of course, it's almost inevitable that France won't win the Cup as they completely peaked last night. How can they top that performance?
They were taking the mickey out of Brazil. How many other teams would have the confidence to do that?
Brazil didn't deserve to go any further. They've been very disappointing.
I'm not generally one for conspiracy theories, but I'm at a loss to explain why Ronaldo has retained his place in the starting line-up.
Sponsor pressure? New goalscoring records to be set?
He was so slow, clearly overweight and contributed little.
There were several players on the Brazilian bench who would have posed a much greater threat to France.
At times it looked liked Brazil had agreed to play France in a testimonial match for Zidane.
Of course, if France meet Germany in the final, as I expect, he will be man-marked by a pacy defender and will be blocked out.
This is a pity for the neutral, but you can't blame the opposition for not wanting to be as generous as Brazil.
Brazil generally play better at World Cups when they are not the reigning champions.
They gave the impression this year that they just needed to turn up to win it.
Germany looks favourites now.
They must be almost inclined to play for penalty shoot-outs, such is their mastery of the art.
They look so confident when they stride up, and the execution is nerveless and clinical.
With Italy's shoot-out record, a Germany v Italy penalty drama would be comparable to a sumo match between the reigning world sumo champion and a "feeling a little poorly today" , Charles Hawtrey of "Carry On" film fame.

30/06/06 The Business End of the World Cup!

I was listening to a Portuguese journalist on the radio today.
He was reading out World Cup related headlines from Portuguese newspapers in the run up to the match vs England.
One was ;
"Would you like a cup of tea? Be afraid!"
I think this is possibly the greatest newspaper headline ever. It's got a great surreal feel to it.

I couldn't make up my mind about quarter final bets.
I've ended up laying against Italy, ie if it's a draw or Ukraine are winning after 90 minutes, then I win.
That's my last bet in this World Cup.
I just want the remaining matches to be entertaining and full of thrills and spills. I don't really mind who wins and therefore won't be making any bets on them.
It's rather annoying that it is pissing with rain in Edinburgh whilst the rest of the UK is bathed in sunshine.
I was laughing at Harry Pearson in the Guardian yesterday.
He was advocating that English use a traditional UK Primary school 1-9-1 formation,
(preferably with a "running goalie")
The 9 man midfiled would swarm around the ball not giving the opposition a chance, whilst the "Poacher" would chat to the opposition goalie, and put him off by goofing around.
It's a genius idea and would play to the strengths of our domestic game.
It's amazing how fickle the world of football is though.
If England win on Saturday and make the semi-finals, Eriksson could claim that his tenure has been successful as he has taken England further in the World Cup than they have been since 1990.
If they lose, he will be mercilessly savaged and ripped apart like a cornered fox.
A lot of people are talking about how Scolari always outmanoeuvres Eriksson, citing the meeting between England and Portugal in Euro 2004.
People seem to fail to remember that the match ended in a 2-2 draw (with England having a late winner controversially disallowed), with Portugal winning the penalty shoot-out.
When the match is referred to by the press, you'd be mistaken for presuming England lost 5-0.
Anyway, this is now a day later.
Italy beat Ukraine comfortably.
I finish week 3 £190 in the red.
The overall World Cup position is £598.07 in profit.
There's always a temptation to put everything on one team to win the World Cup, but I won't because I'm not (that) stupid.
That's the instinct that bookies love, ie the irrational desire to give all your winnings staright back.
I really enjoyed Germany v Argentina.
That was a proper World Cup football match.
Not too many goalmouth incidents, but a completely enthralling spectacle.
And once again, the undisputed "best team" of the World Cup is going home.
Poor substitutions by the Argentine coach cost them the match.
Again, I'd say that's a great result for England.
I couldn't have seen them getting past Argentina, but an England v Germany game could go either way.
On a non-World Cup note, Mitch's young son Jem broke up the tedium of viewing last week's England v Ecuador tie, by rushing into the living room and loudly exclaiming, "I did a wee and a poo at the same time!!!!", and then insisting his mum comes along to witness the evidence of this splendid achievement.
I look forward to reminding Jem of this event in 15 years time when he's sitting playing compressed digivariant music in his bedroom with his trendy mates.

28/06/06 It IS all over...!

ENGLAND 2006 World Champions...!



I've got this picture in my head of the top English commentators spending hour after hour racking their brains for an appropriately, iconic phrase to utter in the event of England winning the World Cup.
They must fantasise about coming up with another "They think it's all over..." Kenneth Wolstenholme special which will guarantee their commentary immortality.
They've each probably filled up many bins with scrumpled up bits of paper with rejected ideas on them.
There would be an obvious temptation to present an abridged version of Wolstenholme's commentary...
"Well, it now most certainly IS ALL OVER, and England are again football's World Champions!"...but that's a fairly easy option and not particularly memorable.
The lyrics of "3 Lions" could be appropriated to some degree...
"Well after 40 years of hurt, we've never stopped dreaming, and the dream has now become a reality! England are World Champions for the 2006 FIFA World Cup!"
Maybe a homage to previous heroes...
"And Sir Alf Ramsay will be looking down on this with a smile on his face as the referee blows his whistle to signal that England, yes England, at last, are World Champions..!"
Arise "Sir Sven...!"
I'd imagine Sir Geoff Hurst might have mixed feelings about it, as he's likely to be asked less often "Did the ball really cross the line?" and bore us for another 40 years on his 1966 memoirs.
His projected earnings will slump somewhat, and I suspect he will open less village fetes in 2007 that he has in any other year since 1966.
See, there's always a downside isn't there?
Theo Walcott OBE! Now that would be quite funny because they'd have to give the whole squad an honour.
I suspect he won't have kicked a ball in anger at the finals before he receives the award.
In fact, he hasn't kicked a ball in anger in the Premiership yet, so this would be a remarkable achievement for him.
It wasn't really fair that only a select few from the 1966 squad were honoured.
There'll be a huge reception at Downing Street with Tony Blair relentlessly milking the feelgood factor.
See, it wouldn't be all that bad.
I can't understand why more Scots people aren't so keen for England to do it.

26/06/06 PC Reunion

Revealed! The secrets of the cardboard robot...!







Padraig Hyland ,of last year's smash hit Fringe show "Park's Circus", was headlining at The Stand in Edinburgh on Monday.
He had a good night and a few late night drinks followed, followed by a very sore head for yours truly the next morning.
Also there was Pauline who stayed in the same flat as me in Bellevue Road in the 80s.
This was an interesting coincidence as 2 nights prior to this I'd bumped into Katy who'd stayed in the same flat before we moved in.
"Quite remarkable!" as David Coleman might say before he started badly slurring his speech.
Pauline is a good friend with the powers-that-be at The Stand, so it's inevitable that they will soon be furnished with interesting anecdotes such as her flatmates' penchant at that time to take turns wearing a cardboard box with a face painted on it, and cavort in front of the late night traffic.
Mind you, this might help my comedy career, and raise my "wacky" quotient.
I was gutted at Italy's last second penalty winner against Australia.
First of all it cost me money, as I'd gone for a draw...
Secondly, it wasn't even a bleeding penalty and the referee was artfully conned by these masters of chicanery!
Overall though Italy did show flashes of brilliance, and they were hampered by a dubious sending off ; so they probably just about deserved to get through.
The bad news is that for Week 3 of the World Cup I am down £130.
I'm studying the quarter final draw.
I'm finding it tricky finding value betting amongst the ties though.
I've a feeling England will beat Portugal (you can get evens on this), and interestingly, Germany are favourites to beat Argentina.
It's a brave bet to go against Germany after watching them steamroller Sweden, however Argentina will test their defence in a way that has not happened in any of their previous matches. Hmmm....
I went to see Scotland play Pakistan at cricket yesterday.
It's a very genteel and civilised way to spend a few hours basking in the sunshine...
The gentle knock of leather on willow etc
Someone was walking around dressed up as a pint of beer.
You had to say to him "I'm due a Deuchars!" and he would give you a free beer token.
That's not something you see every day.
The PA announcer asked if "Dorothy Martin could phone home as her daughter has news of her impending grandchild"
I made a joke about the baby being still "not out", and one or two people in the packed grandstand chuckled quietly to themselves... get in...!!!! :-)

25/06/06 Paul Dance is 40!

It's the morning after the night before and Paul announces he is suffering from a sore head...!

There was a big party to mark this prestigious event in the village hall of Temple, out in darkest Midlothian.
It was the culmination of a busy weekend, as the night before I entertained the Pereira Hind family who were up from London.
I made some curry and stuff and Bob remarked it was "The best curry that he'd ever tasted in his life!".
He was a bit pissed, but that's beside the point...
At Paul's bash, good food, great live music and a tsunami of cheery banter were the order of the day.
I had the great honour of being asked to MC and introduce the acts onstage.
I also used the opportunity to make a series of weak jokes...!
Doc Morrisey smilingly said "I say you've been losing lots of money betting...!"
This again illustrated his unrivalled capacity to delight in others' misfortune.
He'd obviously scanned the blog only looking for losing bets, but had failed to grasp that my overall World Cup position is over £700 in profit..! Hah!
I've got this image of someone wandering into his surgery with his leg hanging off, and Doc laughs, claps his hands and goes "Woo Hoo! That's a cracker! How'd you do THAT?? Ha Ha..!!"
Then Humph said to Mark "You haven't changed in the 20 years I've known you!"
Mitch thought Humph was talking to ME and guffawed at Humph "Are you on crack cocaine????"
I'm not sure what point he was making.
It was all going off!
I then introduced the well fired funk of "The Cakes".
They were playing together for the first time in 12 years.
I "hilariously" remarked that a lot of cakes had obviously been consumed in the intervening period.
They sounded great and I suspect that a few more comeback gigs will be in the offing.
I haven't changed at all in 20 years and obviously bathe daily in a magical fountain of youth.
I've no idea what he was getting at.
The boy's a fool...
So England won, (yes that's a £30 loss David!), but again failed to impress.
By my reckoning, England have been involved in 4 out of 5 the worst, dreariest games
of this World Cup, (the only non-England game being France v Switzerland).
They now have a great chance of getting past Portugal Reserves next Saturday, and into the semi-final where they may meet Brazil.
However, I have a feeling Brazil may slip up somewhere along the line, allowing England an achievable passage into the final itself.
It's a funny old game indeed!
Germany v England final?

22/06/06 Back of the Net!

Mexico once again cocked a snook at my faith in them.
I had a bet on them not to lose to Portugal which they did!
They even missed a penalty just to rub it in.
And when I say miss...I mean row Z...!
I then started watched Ivory Coast v Serbia.
Ivory Coast were losing 2-1 but were dominating the match.
I had a wager on them turning the match round in the second half at 5/1 odds.
This they did (3-2) and as a result I'm now in profit for week 2 to the tune of £144.20.
This takes my profit after 2 weeks to a grand total of £788.07.
I heard a footballer being interviewed on Radio 5 say ;
"Well the Germans like to take shots from outside the box, do you know what I mean?"
I DID know exactly what he meant.
I felt quite smug that I had intelligently comprehended his footballing related observation.
He then went on to make a plethora of further observations, again checking our understanding of the meaning of each statement.
I knew what he meant EVERY time.
I'm the cleverest of the clever obviously.
I felt like telling him "You don't need to keep asking me if you know what I mean..!
I know! I understand! I'm a gifted intellectual".
It is a bit of a waste of energy saying "Do you know what I mean?" at the end of every sentence.
I don't know if peple's vocal pronouncements contribute to raising carbon dioxide levels, but even if they don't, it causes needless irritation.
Let's save the planet...!
There is an Edinburgh equivalent of this.
It's an "eh?" at the end of a sentence.
"So I went to the pub and they weren't there yet, eh?"
"I've painted your front door, eh?"
I'm always confused by this...
I should say "Why are you asking me? I wasn't in the pub, and since you were the one who actually painted the door, why would you be asking me whether you did it or not. It doesn't make sense."
I've decided to bet against England winning over 90 minutes against Ecuador.
England are 3/1 ON to win in 90 minutes.
These odds are ridiculous in light on England's performance against Sweden.
They may well win, but there's very little downside in backing Ecuador at these odds.

20/06/06 Ouch!

Recent picture of me playing football after recovering from injury.

I grimaced watching the slow motion replays of Michael Owen's injury.
I did exactly the same thing 6 years ago.
It's a case of losing balance, then falling with your knee twisted underneath you.
The pain was such that I nearly passed out.
I had ruptured my medial ligaments and was hobbling for 12 months afterwards.
I suspect Owen has suffered the same injury.
I remember that on repeated occasions afterwards, my kneecap was still a bit loose and would occasionally shift to one side, causing a bolt of pain roughly equivalent to someone swinging a sledge hammer and hitting me square on the foot with it.
My injury didn't get quite as much media coverage at the time, but to be honest I preferred it that way.
What a strange game last night.
England looked good and lively in the first half and took a deserved lead.
However, in the second half they turned in a horrible, lifeless performance and were
extremely fortunate overall to come away with a draw and avoid playing Germany on Saturday.
They must surely be the most unconvincing Group Winners in the history of the World Cup.

I'm almost starting to believe that they'll win it because everything seems to be going for them, and they've definitely got the less tough half of the draw in the knockout-section.
I put the bets on Paraguay to beat Trinidad & Tobago, and Poland to beat Costa Rica.
Both came good, and I am now only £41.75 down on week 2.
I was thinking it would be nice if sometimes the World Cup pundits got injured, eg
Ian Wright pulling up with a jaw strain midway through some pre-match analysis, then getting stretchered out of the studio.
The only pundit I find consistently informative (and funny) is Martin O'Neill. Pity he's not on more often.
And why didn't Sven give Theo Walcott a run-out last night for the last few minutes?
Very odd...!
I can't see him getting a game at all now...not unless England are leading 5-0 in the World Cup final with 10 minutes to go.

19/06/06 There's been a mistake...! I want my money back!

Week 2 in the World Cup has been a bit shaky on the betting front.
I had Mexico to beat Angola which they didn't do..the fools...so many chances as well!
I had Ivory Coast not to lose to Holland, which they did.
I had Iran not to lose to Portugal which they did.
I had Croatia to beat Japan which they didn't.
I had Australia not to lose to Brazil which they did.
On the plus side, Grace did get the boot from Big Brother (woo hoo!). Not strictly a World Cup bet I know...
I had USA not to lose to Italy, and they got a battling draw.
I also had South Korea not to lose to France and they got a battling draw as well.
I've been backing underdogs as the win odds on the favourites have been prohibitively short.
I'd say I've been fairly unluckly with the losing bets, as in none of the matches did the losing team seem completely out of it.
But, tragically for week 2 I am £191.55 down.
This means I have failed the task and am denied a luxury food budget this week.
Hopefully I can turn round the week's performance by Friday.
Here are some details about my upcoming Fringe Show
I am beginning to experience nocturnal anxiety attacks, but this is normal really.
I am hoping that fate conspires to produce a Germany v England tie in the last 16 knockout stage. That would be a belter.
It would be too close to call, but they're always enthralling matches.
I was speaking to my rival Haymarket comedian Richard Pulsford the other day.
He informed me that he'd seen another "Jim Park" at The Stand.
This could be confusing.
If he was brilliant though, promoters might mix us up and I would end up getting offered highly prestigious gigs, in a classic Shakespearian identity mix-up situation. On the other hand......

14/06/06 Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day?

Here's s graph with a helpful guide to dry time in relation to air movement, to enhance your overall enjoyment of watching paint dry. Come on England!




Well, no, that's probably not the best analogy to describe the experience of watching England play in a World Cup match.
I had a think and decided that the experience can be best compared to watching a fat middle-aged man sitting on a toilet, with a puffy, red face, wearing a grimy vest and suffering from acute constipation, as well as having a a chesty cough, going "nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...." for 90 minutes without success.
I think in terms of aesthetic appeal, this experience is on an obvious par with watching last night's encounter.
In fairness though, England have now qualified and have yet to concede a goal.
If this was Scotland we would be doing cartwheels in the street!
We're shit, so any old route to the second phase would be celebrated by much dancing (but mainly drinking) in the street.
It's just bizarre that for all their individual talent, England are unwatchable as a team.
They should be doing so, so much better.
I remember when Eriksson was appointed manager thinking that here was someone who might actually get England playing to their full potential.
The 5-1 victory over Germany seemed to confirm this.
However, since that remarkable result, they've reverted to the same old one-dimensional sterotype.
The introduction of Rooney did make them look far more potent, but he's still a good bit off the pace, and I think it's asking too much for him to single-handedly get England to the final.
Freddy Lundberg's late goal had me out of my seat and punching the air as my sole bet yesterday was on Sweden to beat Paraguay.
That's 6 bets out of 7 called correctly giving me a profit of £643.87 after Week 1 of the World Cup.
In "Weakest Link" style I have "banked" the cash and have given it to the Polish tradesmen who are working in my flat, (they've had a bad World Cup week, so hopefully the cash will soothe their furrowed brows a little).
Today, I am betting on the mighty Mexico to beat Angola, and will win £115 if/when Grace is booted out of the Big Brother house.
But gambling is still obviously the devil's work and should be discouraged wherever possible.
I played golf with Colin Crabby the other day.
After a bright start, I suffered my worst hay fever attack for many years, and as a result my game collapsed completely, resulting in a disastrous defeat.
At a rough estimate I guess I sneezed approximately 53,247 times during the round.
I had tears streaming down my face, puffed up eyes, a sore throat, and snot on draught....
Expect to see thousands of England fans with the same look after the first of the knock-out matches.

13/06/06 The Brazilians' New Strip

Alan Hansen prepares his tactical analysis before last night's game.


I love Brazil, and all things Brazilian, but I like to think I can retain a teeny weeny element of objectivity when discussing their football team.
The BBC World Cup boys can't.
In the coverage of last night's match between Brazil and Croatia, they displayed the detached impartiality you'd expect from a group of spotty schoolboys being treated to a naked lapdance by Angelina Jolie, then being asked to compare her to Bella Emberg (best remembered as "Blunderwoman" in the "Russ Abbot's Madhouse" TV show).
In ther pre-match analysis Croatia didn't get a look in, and were afforded the attention normally given to the patsies contracted to play the Harlem Globetrotters.
"The Brazilians are Unbelievable, Charismatic, Talented bla bla bla" droned on Hansen as he wheeled out some new adjectives he'd been learning before he went on air.
Without a doubt Brazil were poor and Croatia were very unlucky not to get at least a draw.
It would also have to be said that referee was enormously charitable to Brazil throughout the match in terms of awarding them dodgy free kicks.
Scandalously, with Croatia pushing for an equaliser, only 3 minutes additional time was played.
I was expecting about 8 minutes.
In the second half, there had been several substitutions ; about 4 occasions where players needed treatment, and in addition play had been held up for a couple of minutes due to someone running onto the pitch from the crowd.
I suspect that if Brazil had been losing and chasing an equaliser, the referee would have been more generous.
John Motson opined in the closing stages that "Brazil are winning this with something to spare..!". What absolute tosh.
Anyway, I still hope Brazil play to their potential and win the World Cup, but please let's have some real debate rather than this toecurlingly fawning display by the experts.
They all seemed scared to even broach the subject of Ronaldo possibly being rather overweight.
The Brazilian fans were in no doubt....
"Are You Dave Reilly in disguise?" they sang at their hero as he gave an extremely lack-lustre performance.
And we have the first faller in Jim's World Cup betting.
I had France down to beat Switzerland. Pah!
France seemed to be appearing on a "Football Team" version of "Stars In Their Eyes".
There's Cat Deeley interviewing the team, and Thierre Henry says, "Ah yes, Cat. Tonight we are-uh going to be-uh "Albeeon Rovers"!"
Cue Wild applause, as the French team emerge from the smoke, dressed up as the Scottish lower league non-achievers and then take the field to play Switzerland in the 2006 World Cup...!
On a brighter note, I had Brazil down to beat Croatia.
As you were then...
No bets today.
Spain? too unpredictable. Although, in a sense, their very unpredictability is highly predictable.
I'm not going to be around to watch the Germany v Poland game tonight, but it would be fun to listen to the commentators tiptoeing around making any remarks alluding to the, ahem, "historic" context of this match.
"DON'T say "Germany are now blitzing Poland's defence!" (taken from John Motson's pre-match notes)

11/06/06 Sticks and Stones

ITV Pundits Andy Townsend, Terry Venables and Ally McCoist share a joke before the match...


Well they certainly can break my bones, but to venture that "names can never hurt me" is a sadly misguided belief.
I was in attendance at a barbecue on Saturday and was informed that my smart casual jeans and short-sleeved shirt look reminded people of Alan Titchmarsh. Ouch!
My life has come to a sorry pass.
I watched the English match in a pub down Leith.
A very dull encounter.
England seem to have become the Wimbledon of International Football.
It's baffling. They have great individual players, but as a team they seem turgid and inflexible compared to others.
On the blackboard the pub proclaimed it was serving "Frankfurters".
Helpfully written in brackets below was "Big Hot Dogs!".
They possibly could have added ;
"Cocktails" (different drinks mixed together)
So England started quite poorly but got a win.
There does seem to be a definite script at work with England in the finals of tournaments.
There's the big pre-tournament hype. (We're Gonna Win The World Cup!")
Then there's the press backlash after an unimpressive opening performance.
("We're Not Going To Win The World Cup!")
Then England come out blazing, put in a great performance and lambast the media for their negativity.
("We're Going To Win The World Cup")
Then England put in another mediocre performance.
("We're Confused But We Still Might Win The World Cup!")
Then England play well but get knocked out.
("End of The World!")
It's fair to say that they looked the least impressive so far of the teams who could be said to have a genuine hope of lifting the trophy.
Argentina have stood out so far as the most complete team.
I really liked Mexico as well. They played some beautiful football.
However, I was irritated at the patronising attitude shown to them by the BBC pundits.
They're not taken seriously as they're not in the traditional group of heavyweight football nations. (Brazil, Argentina, Italy, Germany, Spain, England)
In a similar attitude, Greece have never really been given the respect they deserved for winning Euro 2004. It's just seen as a fluke, an aberration.
I'd love to see Mexico knock out a couple of the big boys.
It's interesting that the World Cup, unlike the Euro championships, has never really produced a shock winner.
This has to change sometime.
What people overlook is that the tournament is a "cup", not a league, and that the team who wins is not necessarily the best team in the tournament.
A problem Mexico do have is a vulnerability to the aerial threat.
As a fellow short-arse, I hope they can overcome this problem somehow.
A Mexican World Cup victory would be a great fillip to the global midget community.
The World Cup betting is going pretty well...
I've had 3 bets so far and they've all come in.
Mexico to beat Iran, Portugal to be ahead at HT and FT against Angola and Australia to beat Japan.
I also put a bet at the weekend on Grace to be the next person evicted from the Big Brother house (before she was officially nominated)...
She looks like a cert now...

06/06/06 No Mean City

Bob "Malky" Ferris


So anyway, I was walking past this pub, and it became clear that something of an altercation was in progress. Two red faced, pissed women were being directed out of the pub by the bar staff for reasons unbeknownst to me.
It was all a bit shouty, and then one women marched off and banged into me as I walked past.
"Are you tryin' tae get me lifted?" she shouted at the barmen, as she walked away.
"I'll get Tam McGraw and Peter Ferris...I mean...Paul Ferris onto you...!
Tam McGraw and Paul Ferris are legendary Glasgow underword figures whom you may or may not have heard of. They're probably not the best people to get on the wrong side of, and I certainly won't use this Blog to make any critical remarks about them. As far as I am concerned they are fine, upstanding family men who have suffered a welter of unfair and prejudiced publicity.
The thing is, if you're going to use your aquaintance of these fellows as a threat, it loses something of its menace when you get the name of one of them wrong.
I had a quiet chuckle to myself as I walked past.
With hindsight, I wish I'd gone up to her and said "Don't you mean Bob Ferris? He was a character in "The Likely Lads"! I'm sure he could get his mate Terry to help as well. I'd have to say that it'd be a bit of a deviation from their usual storylines though, as it's generally Terry that finds himself in a dodgy situation which unwittingly involves the more sensible Bob, with hilarious consequences...and what's Thelma going to have to say about all this?"
At this point she probably would have said "Fuck off ya wee raj!" and hit me.
I was later walking around HMV and Virgin record shops in Princes Street.
They were deserted.
I reckon it's all over for these shops. They are now museums. They'll close within a year. The combination of hefty business rates on Princes Street and download culture will be too much for them to withstand.
Hopefully we'll get a couple of new burger bars, or maybe a couple of giant shops selling cheap tartan shite to a raucous soundtrack of House Scottish Country Dance muzak.
That would be brilliant.
Earlier today I walked past a man eating a pot noodle.
I thought to myself "that's something I've still never, ever done!"
Is it too late now?

27/05/06 Out And About

John "Motty" Motson limbers up for the BBC's World Cup coverage




I had a gig in Glenrothes (the self styled "Cumbernauld of the East" which is also twinned with Chernobyl) on Saturday.
I did a 15-20 minute set.
This was longer than I'd expected, but there was one act short so I was asked to extend my set.
It went pretty well I thought. I started a bit shakily by tripping over my lines (mainly due to lack of match practice), but finished very strongly.
They're not the most boisterous audience in comedy land, but they were a nice appreciative bunch, and gave the impression that they enjoyed the whole show.
Later on that evening I discussed my recent Ikea confectionery trauma with Malin, a Swedish waitress in David Bann's fine eating emporium.
I'd just started this harrowing tale when she immediately guessed what the offending sweet was.
Apparently, the flavour is termed "salty liquorice".
What on earth is a flavour like this doing in a bag of fruit jelly sweets?
It scares me to think of how many road deaths this sweet has caused in the UK as a consequence of innocent shoppers eating sweets on their way home from IKEA ; inadvertently chewing the "salty liquorice" sweet, losing control and skidding across the road onto the path of an approaching juggernaut, (which is probably delivering a further supply of sweets to a nearby IKEA store).
Pete had earlier complained that although the Dance Brothers are "almost completely bald" (not that there's anything wrong with that), people never make references to it, whereas his greying barnet is constantly commented upon.
Not long after this, Malin came in and immediately remarked that Pete's scarf ( a black scarf with white speckles) "really matched his hair".
Pete's defeated facial expression nearly caused me to fall off my seat in a fit of giggles. Supreme comic timing.

Things To Get Annoyed About In The World Cup - Volume 1

Picture the scene...
A striker shoots from point blank range at goal and it bounces off the keeper.
"It's an UNBELIEVABLE save!" says the commentator excitedly!
Well, it's not really. It would have been more difficult for the keeper to avoid being hit with the ball. It's a poor finish. It's not really a great save. It's all bollocks. It's like complimenting John F Kennedy on his skill at blocking the assassin's bullet with the back of his head.

Pundits who ingratiatingly repeat the Anchor person's christian name over and over again at the start of every sentence.
"The thing is Gary..."
"Can I just say Gaby"
"Gary, as far as I'm concerned..."
"But Ray, they've only got one up front.."
I'm always deeply suspicious of people who do this to me.
It's cloying and awful, and if I had my way I'd wire up the TV couches in the studio, and then apply increasingly severe levels of electric shocks to football pundits who persist with this blatant brown nosing on camera.

Any moment when Garth Crooks assumes a seriously thoughtful expression, then pauses...giving the impression he's about to make a startling and fascinating pronouncement on a pertinent football related issue.
But hah...fooled you...it's more pseudo-intellectual bollocks of no interest to anyone on the planet.

Terry Venables is looking more and more like Lou Costello (of "Abbott and Costello" fame)

On a happier note...have managed to slim down a lot.
Billy Connolly came up with a great piece of weightloss advice.
"Avoid eating any thing out of a "bucket"....!"

But don't get me wrong. I LOVE the World Cup...!

25/05/06 Random Thoughts

Mark Lawrenson gets ready for the BBC World Cup Coverage.



I was thinking of some pitches for films ;

"The De Niro Code"
An Italian American Jesuit priest investigates a radical new theory on Jesus's direct descendants. It's all going well till the Joe Pesci character bursts in to the New York Priests' Convention shouting "Suck on this, muddafukka!" and proceeds to blow the priest's head off with a powerful handgun.

"Charlie Cairoli's Mandolin"
In wartime Greece a local girl falls in love with an enemy clown who shouts
"Hello Children!" at the top of his voice whenever he sees any children in the immediate vicinity.
She grows suspicious of why he persists in doing this and the relationship ends messily.
Charlie drives off into the sunset but the car splutters and the doors fall off.

I played a hilarious joke on Edinburgh restauranteur David Bann yesterday.
I handed in an envelope to the waitresses addressed to "David Bartholomew Bann".
They didn't bat an eyelid...
I thought Bartholomew would have been a pretty funny imaginary middle name to give Mr Bann.
Disastrously, they didn't see it as an opportunity to ridicule him at all.
It's back to the comedy drawing board for me...

On a better note, I thrashed the Edinburgh Samba School's tennis champion Debbie (at tennis).
She has recently had the upper hand and has taken great delight in seeing my tired old legs shuffling roud the court vainly trying to reach her winning lobs.
The axis of power has shifted now though.
My secret weapon has been my fiendish backspin returns which have left Debbie confused and tearful.
6-1 to Spinnin' Jim.
Debbie has been sent homeward to think again...

My football form is getting better as well, helped by the fact I'm not carrying around a big sack of potatoes with me any more...(it's just a little 2 kg bag of new potatoes now)
I impressed everyone with a trademark Ronaldinho free kick in which I hit the ground before the ball and saw it trundle past the post at a top speed of 3mph.