Here's s graph with a helpful guide to dry time in relation to air movement, to enhance your overall enjoyment of watching paint dry. Come on England!
Well, no, that's probably not the best analogy to describe the experience of watching England play in a World Cup match.
I had a think and decided that the experience can be best compared to watching a fat middle-aged man sitting on a toilet, with a puffy, red face, wearing a grimy vest and suffering from acute constipation, as well as having a a chesty cough, going "nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...." for 90 minutes without success.
I think in terms of aesthetic appeal, this experience is on an obvious par with watching last night's encounter.
In fairness though, England have now qualified and have yet to concede a goal.
If this was Scotland we would be doing cartwheels in the street!
We're shit, so any old route to the second phase would be celebrated by much dancing (but mainly drinking) in the street.
It's just bizarre that for all their individual talent, England are unwatchable as a team.
They should be doing so, so much better.
I remember when Eriksson was appointed manager thinking that here was someone who might actually get England playing to their full potential.
The 5-1 victory over Germany seemed to confirm this.
However, since that remarkable result, they've reverted to the same old one-dimensional sterotype.
The introduction of Rooney did make them look far more potent, but he's still a good bit off the pace, and I think it's asking too much for him to single-handedly get England to the final.
Freddy Lundberg's late goal had me out of my seat and punching the air as my sole bet yesterday was on Sweden to beat Paraguay.
That's 6 bets out of 7 called correctly giving me a profit of £643.87 after Week 1 of the World Cup.
In "Weakest Link" style I have "banked" the cash and have given it to the Polish tradesmen who are working in my flat, (they've had a bad World Cup week, so hopefully the cash will soothe their furrowed brows a little).
Today, I am betting on the mighty Mexico to beat Angola, and will win £115 if/when Grace is booted out of the Big Brother house.
But gambling is still obviously the devil's work and should be discouraged wherever possible.
I played golf with Colin Crabby the other day.
After a bright start, I suffered my worst hay fever attack for many years, and as a result my game collapsed completely, resulting in a disastrous defeat.
At a rough estimate I guess I sneezed approximately 53,247 times during the round.
I had tears streaming down my face, puffed up eyes, a sore throat, and snot on draught....
Expect to see thousands of England fans with the same look after the first of the knock-out matches.
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