27/11/07 New Joke Of The Day

I was shocked to hear that Fife's "Deep Sea World" may be closing down....!

Apparently it's not fit for porpoise...

aye thang u....

26/11/07 There Ain't No Sanity Clause

I was through at The Stand in Glasgow last night doing Michael Redmond's Sunday Show.
It was surprisingly jammed for a Sunday night.
I was down for the traditionally tricky opening slot.
I paid close attention to the comedy rule book , starting and finishing very strongly.
However, there was a definite mid-set sag where they all went a bit quiet.
I was pretty happy overall though...I've seen a lot of comedians miles better than I'll ever be really struggle with that "tricky opening slot"...
I got home to discover that the Marx Brothers' "Night At The Opera" was on TV.
Knackered as I was, I found it impossible to switch it off and head to my scratcher.
I love that film.
I remember watching it as a small child and being knocked out by it.
I remember coming to the following conclusions after that initial viewing ;
1. Harpo Marx is the funniest man in the world
2. Harpo Marx is the greatest harpist in the world
3. Chico Marx was technically the world's greatest pianist
4. I didn't understand Groucho at all and didn't find him funny
5. Singing songs interrupt the flow of jokes and should be discouraged
The bit that still reduces me to helpless giggles is when Chico and Harpo substitute the orchestra's opera scores with that for the popular song "Take Me Out To The Ball Park".
For some reason I started thinking of other random beliefs I had as a child which have been subsequently disproved.
(of course, now I LOVE Groucho Marx...and I now realise that Beethoven was probably a better player than Chico..even if he couldn't do all of Chico's little tricks)
I remember reading an article in a serious magazine about The Titanic when I was a kid.
This article was advancing the theory that all the passengers who went down with the ship to the bottom of the sea would be perfectly preserved as there was no light or oxygen at that depth of the ocean.
Therefore no decomposition would occurand everything would be eerily preserved for ever.
I was fascinated by this, and had visions of upper-class passengers sitting at a dinner table in posh dresses and dinner suits, perfectly preserved at the bottom of the Atlantic.
The probability that they had probably left the dinner table to go for a good panic before the ship sank never really occurred to me.
I was somewhat disappointed when this interesting theory turned out to be a load of old cock.
I also believed that all grown-ups were smart and responsible, and that being an arse was something you grew out of as soon as you reached adult maturity.
Ha Ha!

25/11/07 Gigging in Fife

I was a bit apprehensive about how I would be received in Burntisland, but was pleasantly surprised to have a great gig.
Taking the piss out of the compere, (ie using the old favourite about thanking him for whipping the crowd up into a coma before I came onstage) and repetitively mispronouncing "Burntisland" as "Burntis-land" throughout my set were smart moves I think, and got the audience onside.
On Wikipedia, one of the interesting facts about Burntis-land is that it has no fewer than 5 hairdressers serving a population of just over 5000.
I contrasted this fact with the compere's "ridiculous haircut", (it wasn't really ridiculous but it was a good bit of comedy banter)
It was the first night of the "Mirth of Forth" Comedy Club, and the good people of Burntis-land seemed to enjoy the experience of having us "comedy missionaries" bringing the gift of laughter to one of our remote Scottish communities.
Patronising bastard....
But seriously, they were a great crowd and I wish Mr Rich Kidd and his new club a successful future.
I have succumbed to some kind of relapse of my recent brush with some flu-type virus and have been confined to quarters over the weekend.
This is unfortunate as I missed a big birthday party last night out at village of Temple.
I've noticed recently that I have something of a speech impediment when I'm buying items.
For example, when I buy a tea at work, I always say ;
"Eh...can I have a tea please?"
I'm working on getting rid of this unnecessary "Eh" but am finding it incredibly difficult.
Last week, I went up to order a tea, and concentrating really hard...said
"Can I have...eh...a cup of tea...Shit!"
The "shit" at the end was an involuntary response to realising that the "eh" had still managed to make its way into the phrase even though I had got the first part out ok.
The sales assistant probably assumed I was a Tourettes sufferer.
This might seem a very trivial matter but it really does my head in.
I find "ehs" and "umms" and all these kind of ticks really irritating in other people, and tell them so.
I think it's bad for stand-up as well.
If you start irritating the punters in ways other than purely being shit and unfunny, it's just not going to help overall...is it?

23/11/07 The End Of The Day

I wanted England to qualify or Euro 2008.
I've never felt comfortable aligning myself with the support-anybody-but-England Scottish mentality.
I wanted as many British teams as possible to qualify as I think we lend a random, interesting factor to the finals (even if our football is technically deficient), and often are involved in the most exciting, dramatic matches of the European and World finals .

However, they do make it hard for us to support the England team....
I've argued this till I'm blue in the face, but there is a major distinction between your attitude to "England" the nation, as opposed your attitude to the "England Football Team" and the idiotic media circus which accompanies it...

In the pre-match analysis on Wednesday, there was no single mention made of any particular Croatian player to watch out for, or any intelligent discussion on their strengths and weaknesses as a team.
It was just another manifestation of the outrageous arrogance and lack of respect for the opponents in their group.
In the aftermath of the match, the BBC led on the headline, "England are eliminated from Euro 2008, as they fail to qualify from a group which should have been a cakewalk".
I found that unbelievable....
Croatia and Russia are traditionally very strong footballing nations, and I fail to see how any group with them in it could be dismissed as "easy".
John Motson complimented the England fans on not booing the Croatian National Anthem when it was abundantly clear that a significant portion of the crowd were in fact booing the Croatian National Anthem.
This was also apparent from the expressions on the Croatian players' faces.

Having been the recipient of a large amount of texts from my dear English friends gloating after Saturday's elimination of Scotland, and England's lifeline presented to them by Russia...I
could not prevent myself dissolving into giggles at Croatia's first goal.
My other highlight's were Steve McClaren's ill-advised umbrella pose.
It was a study in helplessness, and ineffective management, which will haunt him for the rest of his days.
Then Terry Venables went through a range of expressions eerily reminiscent of Bob Hoskins in the closing scene of "The Long Good Friday" when he is driven away to his doom.
For Bob it was a bullet, for Terry it was a P45.
(Sounds like an implausible plotline for "The Likely Lads")
In the closing seconds, John Motson pleaded to Mark Lawrenson ("Lawro")...
"Mark....say something..!"
Lawro then replied simply "I can't..!"
It reminded me of Norville, when he replied through the medium of song to Keith Harris, that he doubted his ability to fly at a high altitude in the sky ; although it's fair to say Norville did sound a bit more macho.
I'd love to see Martin O'Neill being given a chance at the job, but I suspect he won't be interested any more.
I had a couple of lacklustre gigs at The Stand this week...
They went well enough, but after the highs of the weekend run it was a good exercise in eliminating any twattish over-confidence.
I have a gig at a new comedy night in Burntisland in Fife tonight.
It could be tricky...
I'm looking at it as a tricky away 3rd round FA Cup tie on a wet Monday night.
It needs a steady, confident performance to avoid any disasters.
More later...!

18/11/07 The Day After

It's Saturday night in Sauchiehall Street after the big match!


















I had a fairly downbeat attitude about the Scotland v Italy game.
If you'd offered me a draw before the game, I'd have snapped your hand off and let my hopes rest on serial-chokers France coming a cropper in the Ukraine on Wednesday.
I'd enforced a media blackout all week as the build-up was doing my head in bigtime.
Although I did unfortunately manage to catch a bit of Chick Young on Friday describing how the team had received a good luck message from Sean Connery.
Chick then went on to describe how he hoped this would "stir" the Scots and "shake" the Italians.
I don't think I've ever seen a news feature on Sean Connery without some journalist twat "cleverly" attempting a comic bastardisation of the "shaken, not stirred..." line.
Lazy, lazy, lazy....
Anyway, a host of local dignitaries gathered at Parko Towers to watch this spectacle.
Shortly before kickoff there was a loud bang, and a light bulb was fired out of a lamp in my living room like a mortar round, and it all went dark.
One of the strangest things I've ever seen.
There was a short, inconclusive debate on whether this represented a good omen in advance of the match.
Paul D. piped up before the match started and said "Imagine Italy scored in the first minute...!"
Italy then proceeded to score in the first minute...
The chances of Paul D. being invited back to view any upcoming World Cup qualification matches in my gaffe are roughly equivalent to that of San Marino going on to lift the trophy in South Africa in 2010.
(I'm joking of course...)
In terms of atmosphere in my flat, it was as if someone had stuck a knitting needle into a balloon.
It should have been 2-0, as Italy were wrongly given offside for a legitimate goal.
Then Scotland equalised with an offside goal.
Then Scotland had two glorious chances to take the lead and send the country into Dreamland.
I love the fact that people who are normally fairly quiet and reserved get so emotionally involved watching football ...shouting at the telly and getting caught up in it all.
Jim's living room was buzzing!
Then...in injury time...Italy scored...disaster for Scotland...
Now if one were to look at things rationally, you could say that there were three key decisions that the officials got wrong.
Italy scored a legitimate goal disallowed for offside, Scotland's goal should have been given offside, and there was the inexplicable free kick given against Hutton which led to Italy's winner.
So you could say that Scotland benefitted from 2 out of 3 of these.
However, it's still a hard one to take.
There will always be a percentage of wrong offside decisions given in football.
It's very easy to get one wrong...you just have to accept this.
However, in all the time I've watched football, I've never seen a more bizarre free-kick given.
The Scots player had the ball and he was barged off it by the incoming Italian who made no attempt to play the ball.
The freekick was awarded to Italy by the linesman (who had a perfect, unobstructed view of the incident).
So from being fairly downbeat about the match before kick-off, I'd inevitably got caught up in all the emotion and was left feeling flat as a pancake at the end.
I couldn't even get pissed as I was on-call from work.
I've got a gig at The Stand tonight as well...will people be ready to laugh?
(just getting my excuses in early...ha ha!)

15/11/07 Quick Plug!

Well...!
What a line-up!
That's all I can say....

13/07/07 Conspiracy

Well it seems a bit extreme doesn't it?
I mean someone in Italian football flagrantly bribing an policeman to shoot someone, thus ensuring that a load of Serie A matches get postponed, thus ensuring that the Italian players get an extra rest before the big match this weekend...
Well I'm pretty sure I could get Oliver Stone to agree with me.
I sincerely hope that the Scottish players are getting special psychological training this week in which "specially trained" interrogators spend 90 minutes at a time shouting in their faces various graphic insults relating to the sexual peccadilloes of their parents....
The main object of the exercise would be conditioning them not to react to this calculated provocation!
It is important they undergo this training to avoid "Doing A Zidane" on Saturday.
We can't afford to lose a player.
In fact it would be great to get a couple extra.

I was clearing out a load of junk last night and came across a diary I kept while I was at University.
It has to be said it was largely dull, but one entry jumped out at me.
It described what I made myself for tea one night.
The gourmet extravaganza consisted of a tin (yes ..."a TIN") of "Smedleys Sausage Rolls", followed by Strawberry Angel Delight.
No wonder I was never in a position to represent Britain in the Olympics, eating shite like that.
What was I thinking of?
Tinned sausage rolls?
I haven't seen them about lately...
Has the market for tinned sausage rolls imploded?
I find that very hard to believe...!
I'd like to see an episode of "Ready Steady Cook" in which one of the contestants shakes their plastic bag to reveal a tin of Smedleys Sausage Rolls, a box of Angel Delight, a small tin of Heinz Beans and Baconburgers and a jar of Piccalili...
Just to see Ainsley do his big surprised face thing...
Now there's a fucking challenge for you....make something nice out of that shit...!
It's funny thinking of the Martians taking the piss out of people peeling potatoes and boiling them, as they sat in their spaceship eating their Instant Mash...
We need new Martians to take the piss out of the old Martians...
Who eats Instant Mash these days?
Mind you, I always thought it tasted shit from day one.
The Smedleys Sausage Rolls meal represented me having a break from the fare on offer at the MacRobert Cafeteria at Stirling University.
It was grim as well.
We used to refer to the food there as "MacBobbie Jobbie".

11/11/07 Nice...!

There's nothing more boring than reading some self-fellating blog describing how everything is fine and dandy, with no traces of angst....
Damn!
Anyway, just had a fucking ridiculously enjoyable weekend at The Stand.
I had really great gigs and such a laugh with the other comedians and the good folk of The Stand .
The banter meter was way off the scale.
Part of me thinks I should retire now and quit on a high.
It was the best time I've had since I first shuffled nervously on stage.
I got a bit emotional as I wandered home pissed last night.
It'd been a rocking night and my thoughts turned to mulling on the fact it was also my Mum's birthday.
I'd like her to have seen the show, although I suspect she would have heartily disapproved of some of the subject areas of my routines.
Now all I need is for Scotland to beat Italy next week, and Xmas will have definitely arrived preposterously early.

09/11/07 BBC Scotland...I Salute You!

Ok, so Glasgow have won the race to host the 2014 Commonwealth Games...! woo hoo!
I'm not really a big fan of athletics and stuff like that, and probably won't be obsessively counting down the days till the opening ceremony in 7 years time.
However, as I watched the BBC's coverage of the build up to the announcement, I couldn't help but get caught up in a bit of the hype and excitement which was going on in Glasgow as they nervously awaited the verdict.
Can you imagine the coverage of the Coronation missing the bit where the Archbishop of Canterbury plonks the crown on the soon-to-be Queen Elizabeth's head?
Can you imagine watching a Football World Cup Final and not catching the moment when the winning captain holds the fabled Jules Rimet trophy aloft?
Or maybe fail to broadcast the crucial penalty in a penalty shoot-out?
There's also a porno analogy I could make, but this is a family Blog.
Well yes, the BBCs coverage spectacularly failed to show live the announcement that Glasgow had won.
We were shown some female reporter prattling away in a classroom of children who were shouting excitedly...nothing wrong with that in itself.
The camera then cut away to scenes of politicians hugging each other (most notably, Alex Salmond and Annabelle Goldie)...with the commentator hurriedly saying...
"...ehhh....and Glasgow has won!"
What a cock-up!
Probably the most inept piece of broadcasting I've ever witnessed in my life.

Good gig at The Stand last night!
It was great to meet a couple of comedy heroes of mine, Lucy Porter and Owen O'Neill.
Great pros and genuinely nice people.
Looking forward to the Friday and Saturday shows...it's going to be fun.

01/11/07 The Big B

So the Bacon roll is carcinogenic!
This is a complete disaster for carnivores...
It's like imagining Old King Carnivore leading his troops into battle against the Veggie Army, and suddenly and shockingly, having his head sheared off by a flying courgette.
The carnivores are routed and are sent homewards to think again...

The bacon roll has traditionally been the secret weapon of the meat eating community; used to tempt the vegetarian back into the fold...it's generally viewed as the culinary fare most likely to generate nostalgic longings in ex-meateaters...
But now, apparently, it gives you cancer...
That tends to take a little of the shine from its tasty veneer....
Not a good day for Denmark...
I'm looking forward to me and all my friends getting back to our 21 year old weights, (as advised by these clever medical research people)

One thing I've noticed being back at work is that people who use normal phones in the office...(that you pick up, and have a curly wire thing and that ) tend be ok... whereas, those who sit with one of these ear piece things on tend be annoying twats.
Something strange happens to people when they put these things on...
Rather than making a standard phone call in a lowered voice which is not too distracting...the earpiece wearers give the impression they are acting (badly) in a Shakespearian play and spend the whole bleeding day grievously hamming it up....
Awful!