25/05/06 Random Thoughts

Mark Lawrenson gets ready for the BBC World Cup Coverage.



I was thinking of some pitches for films ;

"The De Niro Code"
An Italian American Jesuit priest investigates a radical new theory on Jesus's direct descendants. It's all going well till the Joe Pesci character bursts in to the New York Priests' Convention shouting "Suck on this, muddafukka!" and proceeds to blow the priest's head off with a powerful handgun.

"Charlie Cairoli's Mandolin"
In wartime Greece a local girl falls in love with an enemy clown who shouts
"Hello Children!" at the top of his voice whenever he sees any children in the immediate vicinity.
She grows suspicious of why he persists in doing this and the relationship ends messily.
Charlie drives off into the sunset but the car splutters and the doors fall off.

I played a hilarious joke on Edinburgh restauranteur David Bann yesterday.
I handed in an envelope to the waitresses addressed to "David Bartholomew Bann".
They didn't bat an eyelid...
I thought Bartholomew would have been a pretty funny imaginary middle name to give Mr Bann.
Disastrously, they didn't see it as an opportunity to ridicule him at all.
It's back to the comedy drawing board for me...

On a better note, I thrashed the Edinburgh Samba School's tennis champion Debbie (at tennis).
She has recently had the upper hand and has taken great delight in seeing my tired old legs shuffling roud the court vainly trying to reach her winning lobs.
The axis of power has shifted now though.
My secret weapon has been my fiendish backspin returns which have left Debbie confused and tearful.
6-1 to Spinnin' Jim.
Debbie has been sent homeward to think again...

My football form is getting better as well, helped by the fact I'm not carrying around a big sack of potatoes with me any more...(it's just a little 2 kg bag of new potatoes now)
I impressed everyone with a trademark Ronaldinho free kick in which I hit the ground before the ball and saw it trundle past the post at a top speed of 3mph.