18/05/2007 Rum

The Isle Of Rum






So anyway, ostensibly I was on the Isle of Rum to begin filming a new sitcom I've recently written, entitled "The Pinsky Problem".
It's about 3 brothers who run a Recording Studio and Drop-In Arts Centre on a remote, idyllic Scottish island.
One day they hear news that they've unexpectedly inherited a sweet shop in Wigan from a long lost cousin.
In a reversal of the usual plot, they decide to abandon the remote beauty of their island and move to Wigan to "get involved in the exciting ups and downs of running a small retail outlet in a grim, post-industrial Northern English town".
It's intended to be quite sophisticated comedy, although there is a small element of slapstick in episode 3 when Philip gets his head stuck in a jar of sherbert lemons...but that's about it.
Unfortunately one of the cast failed to turn up after a Production Crew medic was flippant with him.
With filming indefinitely suspended, we decided to do a spot of hillwalking instead.
Interesting facts about Rum?

Rum is twinned with "Devil's Island" in French Guyana.
Rum was originally called "RumTiddlyUmPumPum", but this was shortened to "Rum" in 1576 by James V, who viewed the full title as "patently ridiculous".
The full title was coined by Hamish Macleod (of clan Macleod) in 873 BC, who was described by a prominent contemporary Scottish physician as being "congenitally mad in the heid".
The previous owner started it calling it "Rhum", but now that it has been taken over by the National Trust it has reverted to "Rum".
Would Rum without "H" still have the same magic, and by the same token,would Stepps have been the same without "H"?
I went to find out....

We drove up to Skye and made for the town of Elgol.
After spending some time ambling along the main drag in Elgol, we finally plumped for the seafood restaurant.
It was good but the prices were fairly hefty.
One of the slightly eccentric owners produced a live Langoustine at the table for us to meet.
It was an awkward meeting, both for us and the doomed crustaceon.
The food was good, but something somewhere in the course of the meal turned the next day into a Flatulence Fiesta, the likes of which I have never previously witnessed in me life.
Thankfully we were outdoors for the weekend...(we left a rather large carbon footprint though)
Ok, so the "good"?
We had a fun crossing from Skye on a chartered boat..one of the big rubber rescue things that the RNLI use...Jeremy Clarkson would have approved!
The weather was fantastic...unbroken sunshine for the whole weekend...Rum was a magnificent spectacle to behold...absolutely stunning...and there were amazing views from the peaks we scaled...There were veritable skiploads of chirpy banter and bonhomie in evidence...The walks themselves were spectacular and also quite scary...but I like that...

the "not so good"?
I think I had gotten a bit more fitter than usual, but the pace at which I can ascend mountains is still painfully slow and I was a distant backmarker for the duration of the weekend...
There's not much I can do about it...if you go above a pace that you are comfortable with...you're fucked...and you won't last the course...
The problem is, to all intensive purposes I spent the weekend doing a solo traverse of the Rum Cuillins!

I get there in the end, but I remain a plodder...sniff sniff...
Also the walk/relax balance was a bit lopsided to suit me...I was so knackered I didn't even make Saturday dinner and crashed out in my tent at about 9pm, and consequently missed the delightful selection of home made curries and fine wines which were on the camping menu.
(Earlier, I'd attracted a welter of cheeky remarks for slightly overdoing my curry requirements and bringing 2 gallons of it with me)
As the walk finished I was pretty much done in...I went all white apparently...and gave the impression that I was auditioning for the role of "Banquo's Ghost" in the "Rum Amateur Players" upcoming production of "Macbeth"...sorry..."The Scottish Play"...
Certain sections of the walk were described by my colleagues as being "a bit airy".
This is a mountain euphemism meaning that if you take one innocuous stumble you will fall thousands of feet to a certain death.
It certainly concentrates the mind, but at the same time it makes you feel very alive.
At one point I got a bit disorientated and thought I was completely lost. It was nearly 8pm so I began to worry a little about how I was going to get to shelter.
Note to self...never ever go walking again without a map/compass/GPS.
I'm just a lazy shit and tend to rely on other people too much to act as navigators, but really you should be self-reliant in these situations.
In hindsight I was being over-dramatic because I could easily have gone back to a Bothy I'd past a couple of miles further back...but it's funny how fatigue affects your thinking...
This bothy had a poignant note on a mantelpiece from a walker whose friend had died on Rum last year when he slipped crossing a burn in full spate and was swept into a gully.
His friend had brought a bottle of rum with him to Rum, and the letter invited walkers who came across the bothy to "have a drink" on Tom, who'd died.
There were quite a few ticks about, and the recent rise in incidence of Limes disease has made me slightly paranoid now.
I went to Boots to buy some tweezers to remove one...(I called him Tick Dastardly...hilarious...yes? as Gordon Ramsay might say...yes?)
I was amused to see that alongside the tweezers in the display section was a magnifying glass section.
There's a classic schoolboy joke based on an alleged sighting of an aquaintance buying tweezers and a magnifying glass for self-pleasuring purposes.
I was almost tempted to buy the items just to try and get a smirk out of the ale cashier...
However, at a whopping 9.95, the magnifying glass priced itself out of the cheap joke market.
So yes...great weekend...but tough going...quite happy to be back in civilisation...
Camping really makes me appreciate the concept of a "bed" and a "shower"...
Is this enough to justify the camping though?
I suppose if someone spends 12 hours hitting you on the head with a hammer, you feel a great sense of relief when they stop...
However, that doesn't necessarily mean you want to experience the hammer again !
ha ha only joking guys...the pluses far outweigh the minuses...
That part of Scotland is the most stunning part of the globe as far as I am concerned and I can't wait to get up there again...I'll take a deck chair next time though...

You'll always get a lot of different opinions on what is the "greatest TV programme ever in the history of civilisation", but let's get real here, it's "The Double Deckers" and here is a classic clip...and anyone who disgrees with my selection can fuck right off..because I am right..OK?