06/06/06 No Mean City

Bob "Malky" Ferris


So anyway, I was walking past this pub, and it became clear that something of an altercation was in progress. Two red faced, pissed women were being directed out of the pub by the bar staff for reasons unbeknownst to me.
It was all a bit shouty, and then one women marched off and banged into me as I walked past.
"Are you tryin' tae get me lifted?" she shouted at the barmen, as she walked away.
"I'll get Tam McGraw and Peter Ferris...I mean...Paul Ferris onto you...!
Tam McGraw and Paul Ferris are legendary Glasgow underword figures whom you may or may not have heard of. They're probably not the best people to get on the wrong side of, and I certainly won't use this Blog to make any critical remarks about them. As far as I am concerned they are fine, upstanding family men who have suffered a welter of unfair and prejudiced publicity.
The thing is, if you're going to use your aquaintance of these fellows as a threat, it loses something of its menace when you get the name of one of them wrong.
I had a quiet chuckle to myself as I walked past.
With hindsight, I wish I'd gone up to her and said "Don't you mean Bob Ferris? He was a character in "The Likely Lads"! I'm sure he could get his mate Terry to help as well. I'd have to say that it'd be a bit of a deviation from their usual storylines though, as it's generally Terry that finds himself in a dodgy situation which unwittingly involves the more sensible Bob, with hilarious consequences...and what's Thelma going to have to say about all this?"
At this point she probably would have said "Fuck off ya wee raj!" and hit me.
I was later walking around HMV and Virgin record shops in Princes Street.
They were deserted.
I reckon it's all over for these shops. They are now museums. They'll close within a year. The combination of hefty business rates on Princes Street and download culture will be too much for them to withstand.
Hopefully we'll get a couple of new burger bars, or maybe a couple of giant shops selling cheap tartan shite to a raucous soundtrack of House Scottish Country Dance muzak.
That would be brilliant.
Earlier today I walked past a man eating a pot noodle.
I thought to myself "that's something I've still never, ever done!"
Is it too late now?