27/05/06 Out And About

John "Motty" Motson limbers up for the BBC's World Cup coverage




I had a gig in Glenrothes (the self styled "Cumbernauld of the East" which is also twinned with Chernobyl) on Saturday.
I did a 15-20 minute set.
This was longer than I'd expected, but there was one act short so I was asked to extend my set.
It went pretty well I thought. I started a bit shakily by tripping over my lines (mainly due to lack of match practice), but finished very strongly.
They're not the most boisterous audience in comedy land, but they were a nice appreciative bunch, and gave the impression that they enjoyed the whole show.
Later on that evening I discussed my recent Ikea confectionery trauma with Malin, a Swedish waitress in David Bann's fine eating emporium.
I'd just started this harrowing tale when she immediately guessed what the offending sweet was.
Apparently, the flavour is termed "salty liquorice".
What on earth is a flavour like this doing in a bag of fruit jelly sweets?
It scares me to think of how many road deaths this sweet has caused in the UK as a consequence of innocent shoppers eating sweets on their way home from IKEA ; inadvertently chewing the "salty liquorice" sweet, losing control and skidding across the road onto the path of an approaching juggernaut, (which is probably delivering a further supply of sweets to a nearby IKEA store).
Pete had earlier complained that although the Dance Brothers are "almost completely bald" (not that there's anything wrong with that), people never make references to it, whereas his greying barnet is constantly commented upon.
Not long after this, Malin came in and immediately remarked that Pete's scarf ( a black scarf with white speckles) "really matched his hair".
Pete's defeated facial expression nearly caused me to fall off my seat in a fit of giggles. Supreme comic timing.

Things To Get Annoyed About In The World Cup - Volume 1

Picture the scene...
A striker shoots from point blank range at goal and it bounces off the keeper.
"It's an UNBELIEVABLE save!" says the commentator excitedly!
Well, it's not really. It would have been more difficult for the keeper to avoid being hit with the ball. It's a poor finish. It's not really a great save. It's all bollocks. It's like complimenting John F Kennedy on his skill at blocking the assassin's bullet with the back of his head.

Pundits who ingratiatingly repeat the Anchor person's christian name over and over again at the start of every sentence.
"The thing is Gary..."
"Can I just say Gaby"
"Gary, as far as I'm concerned..."
"But Ray, they've only got one up front.."
I'm always deeply suspicious of people who do this to me.
It's cloying and awful, and if I had my way I'd wire up the TV couches in the studio, and then apply increasingly severe levels of electric shocks to football pundits who persist with this blatant brown nosing on camera.

Any moment when Garth Crooks assumes a seriously thoughtful expression, then pauses...giving the impression he's about to make a startling and fascinating pronouncement on a pertinent football related issue.
But hah...fooled you...it's more pseudo-intellectual bollocks of no interest to anyone on the planet.

Terry Venables is looking more and more like Lou Costello (of "Abbott and Costello" fame)

On a happier note...have managed to slim down a lot.
Billy Connolly came up with a great piece of weightloss advice.
"Avoid eating any thing out of a "bucket"....!"

But don't get me wrong. I LOVE the World Cup...!