16/05/06 Danger!

I've always been something of an afficionado of the "jelly sweet" confectionery genre. Whether it be jelly bean, wine gum or "sports mixture", I'm a fan...and only sherbert lemons could ever compete with the jellies for overall dominance.
I was out at Ikea the other day buying a table (such is the rollercoaster of excitement which is my life).
I noticed bags of Swedish jelly sweets in the little shop before the exit doors.
I responded to the advertising like a Pavlov dog and immediately bought a packet which I began grazing on as I drove home.
The first impressions of this continental sweet were highly favourable.
Delicious strong citrus flavours with a soft yielding texture. I was highly impressed.
I'd say they were a bit like Bassett's Wine Gums...only better...!
I then came across a black sweet.
Black jelly sweets can generally either be liquorice flavoured or blackcurrant flavoured. It's impossible to tell until you put it in your mouth.
I don't mind as I enjoy both these flavours equally.
Initially, the flavour seemed to be liquorice.
I relaxed, as the tension of anticipating which flavour it was had ended.
It should now have been a straightforward case of enjoying the consumption of the aforementioned sweet.
Suddenly, everything went horribly wrong.
The liquorice flavour had become extremely salty, as well as what genuinely tasted like a soapy washing-up liquidy effect.
This then mutated into how I imagine sauteed dog shit would taste.
I nearly veered off the road with the shock of it.
I instinctively spat out the offending sweet and it stuck to the speedometer dial.
Not only had I experienced the most disgusting taste sensation of my life ; I'd also found myself in a dangerous situation in which I couldn't be absolutely sure how fast I was going due to the speedometer being slightly obscured by a half eaten sweetie together with traces of black, pungent saliva.
It was like something out of "The Omen".
Luckily, I retained control of the car and made it home safely.
No thanks to IKEA though...

I also had the great honour of playing with the Samba Band in Tynecastle on Sunday to mark the Jambo's incredibly jammy victory over Gretna in the Scottish Cup final.
I get a bit bored at the old cliches of a team hiring an open top bus and going round the city to salute their fans.
I thought it would have been more original for the Hearts team to pose with the trophy on the Drumbrae roundabout,then hire 10,000 buses for all the supporters to get on and drive past their heroes.
I would then get Vladimar Romanov to oversee the public executions of Andy Walker and Chick Young in the Grassmarket, before leading the mass ranks of Hearts fans in a showstopping chorus of the "Hearts Song".
btw I also hate the way teams bounce up and down when they are posing with the cup after the game. Stupid stupid stupid. And that let's all run towards the supporters and do a wee dive thing? moronic...! Jurgen Klinsman has got a LOT to answer for.
Why not try something different?
How about the whole team leapfrogging the entire length of the pitch, until the last person performs a forward somersault whilst holding the cup.
Or maybe try that thing Freddy Mercury did on the "I Want To Be Free" video in which he rolls across the bodies of dancers on the ground (holding the Scottish Cup?)
A human pyramid?
A high kicking chorus line?
Oh well, just a few suggestions to fresh things up a little.