07/05/08 A Walk On The Wild Side

Delicious home-made curries served with freshly baked chapattis ; scrambled free range eggs mixed with the finest Norwegian smoked salmon and freshly-caught trout; organic ciabatta rolls, cream cheese with delicately sundried tomatoes, washed down with copious quantities of the very finest wines and malt whiskies…this isn’t just any camping, this is…(well, you get the picture?)
In spite of all this classy food malarkey, we were still camping out in the wild, far from the madding crowd and all that kind of thing.
What a fantastic weekend though.
The actual weather forecast was seriously shite, but thankfully completely wrong ; dry and sunny being the order of the day.
The initial canoeing down Loch Veyatie was pure bliss.
I found it all very Zen-like and relaxing gliding down the Loch…
However, carrying the canoes down from the road to the launch site was slightly less enjoyable.
They don’t feel too heavy when you lift them up for the first time, but after the first 100 yards, it starts to get more than a little painful.
We were all on 2-man “Canadian-style” open canoes.
I was at the front and my old mucker John was at the back.
It’s easier being at the front in that all you do is just concentrate on paddling without taking direction into account, although physically it’s harder overall..
The person at the back, as well as normal paddling, constantly has to adjust the line of the canoe using their paddle as an improvised rudder.
Half way down the loch we decided to switch positions.
This was where things went rather awry.
It wasn’t the best timing in terms of changing the positions ; the water had suddenly become a bit choppier, and in the technical jargon of canoeing , I was making a complete cunt of things.
On a couple of occasions I tried to straighten the canoe as we were blown off course, but inadvertently exaggerated the misdirection, (it’s like doing the opposite of what you would do to correct direction, if you were in a rowing boat..I think)
In a couple of nasty moments we were side-on to the waves and very nearly went over.
It could have been very serious because at this point we’d become separated from the rest of the canoes and would have been stuck in the freezing cold water for an indeterminable period of time if we’d gone over.
In fairness to the other canoes, it is difficult to track people behind you because leaning round and looking back makes the canoe rock from side to side, which is not hugely enjoyable in such situations.
The agreed practice in the event of a capsize was to cling to the canoe and wait to be towed in by another canoe, but in this instance we would have just had to swim to the shore.
I reckon we would have been ok, but it was a far from comfortable experience.
Anyway, we made it down to the camp site, set up, then climbed Suilven in the afternoon.
What a fantastic mountain.
There are amazing views, also some exposed, easy scrambling to get the adrenaline going.
I did the summit but decided against doing the dodgier East Ridge mainly because it was blowing a gale and with my newly acquired lighter frame, I would be risking getting blown off , (but not in a good way).
Mitch (who is apparently now heavier than me) and Bob did conquer the dodgy peak, and in doing so cemented their position as the “Tenzing and Hillary” of the 2008 expedition.
The Saturday night was great craic.
A roaring fire, a big curry banquet, a clear night sky (we did actually see some odd UFO-type things shooting across the sky), and some tip-top quality banter.
There were 9 of us, and often in groups that size it’s likely that there will be splits into little factions.
It’s fair to say that this was never the case on our trip, and it really did feel like a unified co-operative team , happily devoid (for the most part) of hissy fits and pointless arguments.
It’s just a group of people who have known each other a long time, who don’t feel the need to puncture any silences with banal chit-chat, and who are just seeking some good-natured fun in a wilderness environment, (even if that sounds like PR for a “Doggers’ Society”).
Whilst the canoe down was fairly straightforward with a following breeze and favourable river current, the home journey was always going to be a lot harder.
To add to our worries , the wind freshened up and we faced a strong headwind all the way back.
When the first canoe set off, it was less than reassuring sight to see the crew paddling madly without moving an inch in the homeward direction.
In the end we had to combine towing the canoes past some of the shallow, fast-moving sections of the river.
This could only be achieved by wading in the freezing water for sustained periods of time, dragging the canoe, , and alternating with a period of paddling.
After a long haul we did finally get back to base…
I was knackered ; probably as much by the mental strain of keeping the canoe the right way up (I was still a little freaked out by the first day canoeing near-miss), as just the physical toll of paddling.
There was a definite sense of achievement at having made the journey.
At a couple of points in the return leg, I was absolutely convinced we were going to have to abandon the canoes and walk back in.
What a weekend though. Superb. It certainly got me out of my comfort zone.
And we even survived driving down the A9 to get home.
(I couldn’t help but mull over the irony of surviving the scarier aspects of the canoeing trip, but then fall victim to an oncoming, suicidal overtake by some boy-racers in a souped-up Ford Escort convertible)

29/04/08 Good Moaning

This is the mountain which I will be conquering this weekend. It’s called Suilven and it looks a bit scary, but I have no fear and will laugh in the face of danger as I scramble along its precipitous ridge.
(assuming that I survive the canoe trip there ok)
Email should be a positive boon in terms of easy, quick, group-communication needed to organise an event of this nature.
However, the reality is somewhat different.
Emails get consistently ignored, text messages are left unanswered, people reply eventually, but then fail to include everyone on the original distribution list in their reply.
Such is the delay sometimes in getting a reply from everyone, that many have forgotten what the original question was by the time the answers trickle in.
Then the whole “ignoring” thing starts to do your head in.
If it’s just one email or text that’s getting ignored, it’s easy to shrug your shoulders and not let it bother you.
However, when this happen a few times, my mood noticeably darkens, and the tempting notion of embarking on a “killing spree” in Haymarket is only curtailed by the unfortunate non-availability of powerful, automatic handguns..
Like it or not, the reality is that we subconsciously grade all our friends and acquaintances to form a pecking order.
If you’re “A list”, all your calls will be more or less immediately returned.
The “B list”are usually replied to within 2-3 days, but occasionally need to call again to get a response.
“B List” people can still be seen as valued friends, but they’re just not quite as important, clever or creative as their “A List” peers, and may miss out occasionally on corporate jollies and gala luncheons.
“C list” are mainly people selling Kitchen Design (“we’re in your area tomorrow!”) or Double-Glazing Salesmen, or possibly old school friends trying to organise a reunion.
I have been shocked to discover that in some instances my perceived “A List” status is nothing more than a myth.
I’ve been idiotically deluding myself.
I have been relegated to “B List” (although not right across the board I hasten to add. Some people out there still think I’m cool and influential…The idiots.).
How did this happen? Where did it all go wrong?
I can’t pretend any longer, and must try to accept this devastating truth.
Maybe I was always a “B List” and misinterpreted various social signals, deeming them commiserate with “A List” status. Like being given the opportunity to wash their cars, like Biff Tannen in “Back to the Future 2”.
I’m not sure whether to treat my “A List” contacts like “B List” contacts in a powerful demonstration of revenge, by subtly delaying responses to direct requests.
This policy could backfire.
I could find myself banished to “C List” status as a consequence for fooling around with an established caste system.
I’m not bitter though, and think I might embrace my everyman status, throw away my laptop and mobile phone, and become a Ghandi type figure in Scotland wandering around the Highlands solving people’s problems in a funny way, then disappearing into the Glen to find my next assignment.
Actually, I think I might try to organise a school reunion…

I was gutted to hear of the death of Humphrey Lyttelton.
He was one of these figures I’d just assumed would go on forever.
In my memory he was always very old, and was destined to be an old codger in perpetuity.
I always loved the opening couple of minutes of “I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue” where Humph makes a few jokes referencing the locality of the broadcast.
I don’t know how much he actually wrote himself, but the delivery was always absolutely flawless, and never ceased to crack me up.

22/04/08 That Sinking Feeling

It was really great to see Joon Broon hoovering up any available front row pints at the esteemed Red Raw Comedy Night. Just like the old days! woo hoo!
It was slightly disappointing that she didn’t get the chance to down a full one in vintage style, but I’m sure there’ll be plentiful future opportunities.
On one of the last times I saw her compering , I ended up kissing her arse on stage… (my first ever appearance on stage at The Stand).
This was engineered by funnyman Dave Reilly fraudulently filling in a “Prize Draw Card” with my name attached, which stated that “I would love to kiss the compere’s arse!”.
And so it came to pass that I was summoned onto the stage to perform the aforementioned act of worship.
Last night one of the acts came on, told a few jokes, then spent the rest of his spot with a chopstick up his nose, a silver ball spinning in his hand and one of these Diablo things swinging around.
Quality.
Derek Johnston had a fantastic gig.
We are fellow practitioners of the “out there” comedy genre, and it’s always great watching him when the audience get it, as they certainly did last night.
I was slightly unnerved to hear today of some Canadian canoeists having to be dramatically rescued after they capsized in a loch in Sutherland due to a freak gust of wind.
I am going canoeing/mountaineering in Sutherland in a couple of weeks, and could have done without dwelling on this incident.
Although maybe it’s a good thing, as we’ve now been made fully aware of the intrinsic risks involved.
I’m not a boats/water fan and much prefer the old terra firma, baby…!
The trouble is that to get to the mountain we have to canoe across a loch.
I’ve had boating difficulties before. Remember this?
There was also a hair-raising boat trip in Colombia.
This involved 4 of us in a tiny little boat in Cape Horn-esque sea conditions, with, of course, no lifejackets.
This terrifying ordeal lasted for 2 hours before we finally made it to land.
In the midst of the terror, amongst other dark thoughts , I remember contemplating what tunes would be played at my funeral.
(maybe “Sailing” by Rod Stewart? or the old classic “Paddlin’ Madeline Home” by Cliff Edwards)
I was at a funeral recently where one of the hymns was the same tune as “One-Nil…to the Arse-enal..One-Nil…to the Arse-enal” (originally “Go West” by the “Pet Shop Boys”).
Why am I writing this? I’ve no idea really….
I’m sure if the weather is fine it will be an idyllic experience, however, the trouble with Scottish weather is that it can change for the worse very quickly.
Here’s a good clip of Richard Herring dealing with a heckler.
It’s a very popular clip amongst the comedy fraternity.
You could compare it to how a group of foxes would enjoy watching a film of members of a Hunt being thrown from their horses.

21/04/08 Going Up!

Hamilton Academicals are back in the Premier League!
We made a pilgrimage through to my Dad’s home town of Hamilton to see them secure the 1st Division championship by beating Clyde 2-0.
I’d also studied at Bell College in Hamilton.
It was here that I obtained a “Post-Graduate Diploma in Systems Analysis and Design”, (it’s fair to say it was slightly less interesting than it sounds, if you can believe that)
We decided to splash out and go for the hospitality package.
Well, it’s not every day that the Accies are within a ball hair of being back in the (relatively) big time.
I was thrilled to find myself sitting at an adjoining table to Scottish football legend Frank MacAvennie.
He may have been an ex-Celtic player, but I still have a certain fondness for Frank and see him as a fantastic role model.
His raucous laugh has a gloriously infectious quality about it.(Ideal for a member of a comedy club audience.)
I was very impressed by how friendly and welcoming the Accies officials were.
I was less impressed with the mushroom soup and the white wine, but that’s a minor quibble.
Saturday was about more important things than pedantic catering analysis.
The game itself was probably one of the most mediocre football matches I’ve ever witnessed (and I’ve witnessed a few), largely due to a fierce, icy wind which was instrumental in preventing a display of the champagne football which Accies fans have grown accustomed to witnessing this season.
We were chilled to the bone.
But this is all academic..
Winning isn’t the most important thing, it’s the only thing, as they say.
There was a bit of disharmony in the stand, as it turned out that season ticket holders had been turfed out their seats to make way for the corporate hospitality “fat cats”,
(in retrospect, sporting a camel coat , wearing a lot of jewellery and smoking a big cigar might have projected the wrong image and subconsciously invited criticism from the New Douglas Park regulars).
I could certainly sympathise with their plight and found it all a bit embarrassing.
It was obviously irresistible for the club to milk as much money as possible out of their big day, and given the perilous finances of Scottish football, it’s understandable.
Thankfully, after some animated “discussion”, we all got a seat and enjoyed Hamilton’s moment of triumph as they lifted the First Division Cup.
And then back into the lounge for further alcohol, and checking out some very impressive looking WAGs who were waiting for the players to appear.
When they came in they were all wearing t-shirts that said “Hamilton Accies ; Division 1 Champions 2007/08”.
I was amazed at how quickly they’d designed and printed the T-shirts as it was only 10 minutes after full-time.
That was incredible. The t-shirt technology has obviously moved on a lot in recent years. I can only assume that they did it using the Interweb or something like that?
It’s interesting to compare this feat with cheque processing.
In 2008 you can design and print a T-shirt in 10 minutes, but it still takes 5 days for a cheque to clear.
Scandalous.
Having played golf in the morning (a charity game involving under-privileged, dysfunctional adults who wouldn’t normally be able to afford the expense of a round of golf), and then after the football attending a ravey late-night party back in Edinburgh, I wasn’t feeling too clever on the Sunday.
I had a 10 minute spot at The Stand on Sunday night.
I’d planned to do the spot then leave immediately and hit the hay.
One other act hadn’t shown up so I got asked to do a longer set.
I was a bit apprehensive, as I felt fairly grim, and an hour before the gig a tooth implant had fallen out during the consumption a packet of Rolos, leading me to speak with something of a farty lisp.
In the end I had a really nice gig and did just under 20 minutes.
I suppose it’s a good opportunity to show you can handle a sudden change in set length and step up to the plate when required.
I stayed to watch Dan Evans…loved his stuff…gloriously silly.

18/04/08 They Think It Might Not Be Quite Over Yet

I feel I have to begin by apologising to fellow supporters of “”Rangers Football Club”.
I tempted fate on Wednesday by deciding to bait Celtic supporters via email BEFORE the Old Firm match had actually taken place.
I refer you to “Exhibit A” ( the actual email I sent on Wednesday afternoon…)

“Is it wee Gordy’s last hurrah tonight?
Will the Celtic “Reliant Robin” have a hope of stopping the Rangers “Juggernaut”
Will “Vainglorious of Whistlebinkies” squander another load of chances?
Will Celtic’s “End of Season” party still go ahead tomorrow night?”

nb “Vainglorious of Whistlebinkies” is actually the Celtic striker “Vennegoor of Hesselink” falling victim to my trademark, hilarious wordplay.
He scored the last-minute winner against Rangers.

Well, would you adam and eve it, I received a reasonably positive review for my gig at The Stand last Thursday here.
I’d have rather had a review on the higher intensity gigs of Friday and Saturday, but I still really enjoyed Thursday, so mustn’t grumble.

Also on Wednesday I had a meeting with fellow comedians Martin McAllister, Jeff O’Boyle and Gordon Alexander.
We are appearing in a show during the Fringe entitled “No Comedy For Old Men” at the Meridian Bar on Leith Walk.
I reckon it’ll be a cracking show. They have 3 very different comedy personas which I think will give the show a satisfying blend.
More information will soon be forthcoming on this worthy enterprise.

At last Friday’s gig, and lubricated by a few beers, I remember pronouncing loudly within earshot of the venue grandees about how much of a privilege it was to play the gig at the weekend, and that I’d gladly pay to do it…so much do I enjoy the experience.
This is all fine and dandy, but it’s maybe not the greatest display of business acumen. .
If Sir Alan Sugar had been observing, I’d have been summarily dismissed as a “Fucking Idiot!” , instantly fired, then driven away in an over-priced Edinburgh black cab, to think again.

15/04/08 Woo Hoo!

Jamie “Frainto” Frain and his team stormed to a sensational victory on STV’s critically acclaimed “Postcode Challenge” last night.
My only disappointment was that the show was so tightly edited, Jamie’s banter was severely restricted .
Other than a throwaway “Carbon Footprint” line (hmmm…there’s a joke there somewhere!), there wasn’t quite enough off-the-cuff comments to satisfy those of us in the TV audience desperate for a few Frainto one-liners.
It was nice to see the team stroll off with 3 grand in the end.
There’s a possibility of winning 25 grand, but the question to get to the 5 grand level was a real stinker, and it was always odds-on that they weren’t going to get beyond that.
Even a cosmopolitan, highly-educated man-about-town like me didn’t know that the German word for “dry”, in the context of wine, is tronken.
So to get 3 out of 5 team members getting that right was always going to be a big ask, as they say.
On the news yesterday there was a report on the ongoing “Terrorist Plot” trial involving the alleged planning of a co-ordinated attack on a number of aircraft.
A few excerpts were shown of “martyrdom videos” allegedly featuring the accused men.
I was extremely shocked by these excerpts.
I couldn’t believe how poor the delivery of each monologue was.
Each production had “inexperienced open spot” written all over it.
It’s no good having interesting material if you don’t sell it properly.
If I were these guys, I would have signed up for a local “Stand-Up Course”, (as opposed to a “Blow-Up Course”..! boom! boom!), and develop some decent media presentational skills
As with “Everest” double-glazing, you only record a martyrdom video once, so you might as well make a decent stab at it.
Thanks to these buffoons, in the past year I have had approximately 5 newly-purchased bottles of water confiscated in airport departure lounges, putting me, at a conservative estimate, more than £4 out of pocket.
Such is the reality of the ongoing “War On Terror”…

13/04/08 'Ee it were grand...!

I really couldn't have wished for a better run of weekend gigs.
But who wants to read such self-aggrandising cock? Let's move on...
I had an odd moment last night when the beep alarm on my watch went off halfway through my set. It took me a while to work out that it was coming from MY watch.
It was funny though.
Just as I was winding up last night, I said "well that's just about the end of my set...", when this woman piped up in the front row and audibly announced "Good...!"
I couldn't really tell whether she was being jokey, or whether she genuinely was relieved I was vacating the stage.
With rapier wit, I guffawed and pronounced..."Fuck OFF!" (in a jokey, non-aggressive way).
After the gig I gave a demonstration of classic "comedian fragile ego syndrome" by wondering at length why she had felt moved to say that.
It was obviously ridiculous to think like that. I'd just had a rocking gig (definitely one of the best ever), and yet I seemed obsessed with why one person didn't like my act, rather than bask in the afterglow of experiencing the vast majority of the audience totally going with everything I put in front of them.
AND I even managed to drink responsibly throughout the weekend, and impressively avoided being found unconscious in my stairwell wearing a traffic cone.
It was a win-win-win situation.
My old mucker Jamie Frain is apparently appearing as "team captain" on STV's highly rated award-winning quiz show "Postcode Challenge" this Monday coming (14th April).
I'm intrigued to see how the boy comes across, as he was always a shy retiring type who shunned the limelight in any situation.
He's certainly not the type who would spend 30 minutes shamelessly mugging to the camera and trotting out a host of wisecracks dating from the Jurassic period.
No sir, Mr Frain would never be found doing that...or would he? Hmmmmm.....
I've just been watching "TV's Funniest Music Moments".
(I'm having a busy day)
There was a gruesome montage of musical moments from "Crackerjack" as a number of hit records of the day were spectacularly murdered beyond recognition by Peter Glaze and his cronies.
It was actually even more shite than I'd remembered it as.

11/04/08 Sore Tow

I’m having a fairly action-packed week.
I’ve got five gigs on at The Stand this week, and they’ve been going pretty darned well.
I did the longer “main support” slot at the Sunday show in Glasgow and in spite of slightly bricking it in advance, had a really good gig and made the time with no problems.
I was in a fairly buoyant mood as I drove back to Edinburgh.
My mood darkened a couple of days later when I found out that my car had been towed away.
I’d accidentally parked on a “City Car Club” space on Sunday night.
It didn’t really look any different in the dark to a “Resident Permit Holder” space, but that is unlikely to save my £135 fee. Ouch!
My mood further darkened on Wednesday when I was awarded a £35 parking ticket on account of my road tax disc falling off my windscreen onto the floor.
God moves in a mysterious way.
What did I do to deserve this?
When I went to pick up my car at the pound I was theatrically polite and courteous.
I just thought I’d like to bemuse them slightly, as I imagine everyone else arrives in a fit of raging temper, which is understandable but ultimately pointless.
I reckon that the people who work there have probably developed a perverted sense of enjoyment at seeing the impotent rage of their customers as they are forced to painfully cough up the requisite £135!!!
I think most normal, sensitive people would find the incessant customer hostility which comes with the job as unbearable.
You could only sustain yourself in a job like this if at some point you began to find the “car owner going mental syndrome” intensely amusing.
At least I didn’t give them that satisfaction.
I am a true hero of the people.
I am almost at 12 ½ stone.
That is pretty impressive considering I’m not really on a diet, and just don’t eat bread and potatoes all that much anymore.
That’s the lightest I’ve been for years.
I think it’s helped that I’ve been under the cosh at work during the day and gadding about in comedy land at night a lot this week.
I don’t feel all that different, but when I walked around carrying the amount of weight I’ve lost, it seems a lot.

01/04/2008 You can fly!

Well I have to admit that BBC Breakfast Show caught me out this morning.
I’d just emerged from my bed and switched on the telly to see some footage of penguins hurriedly waddling along on the ice, gradually building up to a very impressive land speed by penguin standards.
At this point they started madly flapping their wings and took off.
I did say out loud “Wow! That’s amazing”
(I obviously come over all Kate Bush in the mornings)
After a few seconds of watching the penguins soar though the air like swallows, I realised that yes, ha ha…! it’s an April 1st wind up…
It was a pretty good one though…nice bit of CGI work…
The BBC Breakfast Show as well…
Who would have thought it?
I think if it had been later in the day I would have been quicker off the mark...but I would say that, wouldn't I?
I watched the Marty Feldman show last night.
I remembered it used to crack me up when I were a nipper.
Unfortunately it hasn’t dated well, and I sat stoney faced through as much of the show as I could be bothered watching.
Nostalgia just isn’t as good as it used to be.
My latest alcohol abstinence campaign lasted 9 days.
Very poor.
Cheers!

27/03/08 Seconds away...

It was certainly an action packed evening at Black Bo’s Comedy Club last night. It would probably best be described as “like a bad night in Baghdad”.
It was a shame because most of the audience were totally up for the comedy and really enjoying the evening…
However there were a few twats who just wouldn’t shut upall night.
At one point there was something of an uprising as a few of the audience who were wanting to listen to the comedy starting having a pop at the idiots, and it all kicked off.
There did seem a genuine possibility that it all might explode in a flurry of violence, but thankfully this didn’t come to pass.
Things came to a head during Viv Gee’s headline set…It was such a shame really, as most people there were very much enjoying performance and were desperate for her to be allowed to perform without interruption.
At the start of the evening there were a couple of low-level gits (characterised by chatting between themselves at length while the acts were on, and getting up in the middle of sets to go for a fag).
After I admonished one of them gently for talking all through a comic’s set, a couple of high-level gits got involved and got fairly aggressive and threatening with yours truly…
It was slightly unnerving that one of the aggressors had a bottle of HP sauce in his pocket. I sensed that this had the potential to be a highly effective improvised weapon.
It would have been vaguely ironic for me to be beaten to death by a HP sauce carrying thug, as HP Sauce is one of my most favouritest things ever.
They just got progressively got more and more vocal and annoying as Viv’s set went on, and sadly she had to cut it short as it just became farcical trying to compete with the dickheads.
After the show finished, the heated arguments continued…
The comic contingent eventually decided to head to Bannerman’s for a respite pint.
Of course, having a night like this represents an inherent danger in having a free gig in a bar.
It does make you question whether it is worth the grief.
You can still get incidents like this in pay-to-get-in comedy clubs, but it’s a little less likely as the audience have at least all made some financial commitment to the evening.
Ah well, at least my new “linesman” joke got a big laugh.
It’s funny how new words just appear out of the ether.
I don’t think I’ve previously heard the term “mis-spoke” used.
(Hillary Clinton yesterday used this term to describe the seemingly blatant lie that she came under sniper attack when she arrived for a visit in Kosovo 10 years ago ; the video suggested there was nothing going off at all)
Of course, at comedy clubs up and down the land, you know that comics will be paraphrasing their material with stuff like “I’m telling the truth here…I’m definitely not mis-spoking…no siree…!”
The same thing happened when someone once said at an inquiry they they weren’t telling lies, they were merely being “economical with the truth”.
An expression still widely used in a jokey sarcastic way.
And since John Reid said that the Home Office was not “fit for purpose”…that’s become the hip way to say that something is basically a load of old shite.
I prefer calling things a load of old shite to be honest.

26/03/08 Now Hear This...

I had a gig at The Stand on Monday.
I’d say it went down pretty well, but the performance was rubbish.
I’d intended doing a high energy babbling style, trying to cram loads of material into a manic 10 minutes, but then changed my mind for no apparent reason just before I went on.
Also, I fumbled a lot of lines.
This was odd because I’d spent a lot more time than I usually do going over what I was going to say, and made a few edits and stuff.
So that’s what you get for being diligent.
I got a more than a few disapproving tuts at some of the “questionable taste” material as well. That doesn’t usually happen as most audiences regard the material as more idiotic than offensive.
Anyway, a few new things went well, so mustn’t grumble too much.
I’ve always been a big fan of global warming, particularly the predicted rising of sea levels.
I appreciate this will likely lead to an environmental catastrophe, but I still look forward to visiting my friend Iain when it all comes to pass.
Iain is a true anorak, and has successfully climbed every “Munro” in Scotland.
To mark this achievement, he has a large map of Scotland in his kitchen with hundreds of tiny flags pinned in it to represent every Munro he has successfully “bagged”.
I think it would be hilarious if rising sea levels caused a number of Iain’s conquered peaks to lose their Munro classification, (ie they are no longer at least 3000 ft above sea level).
I’d take great delight in removing the appropriate number of flags from the map and casting them to the floor as Iain looks on in stunned silence.
I know what you’re thinking….the satisfaction at witnessing a geeky friend’s upset hardly compensates for the accompanying global devastation…
but that’s just your opinion.
My switch from Betfair to Stock Trading has made a fantastic start.
I bought then sold Lonmin for a good profit (selling just before it dropped like a stone), then transferred everything onto the Royal Bank of Scotland, guessing (correctly at the time of going to print) that the Banks had hit their bottom value last week.
It’s shot up this week so I am sitting on a great big profit.
It was a great manoeuvre, reminiscent of Richard Burton jumping from one cable car to another seconds before the first cable car explodes and plummets to the ground.
It was just like that.
I miss the instant gratification of winning a Betfair bet, but the stocks thing feels like a more adult relationship.
..and yes what you’re thinking is absolutely correct…what a wanker…!!!!

22/03/08 Do They Know It's Easter?

I thought Edinburgh city centre might be quiet today as most people would be be off doing something more holiday-ish than wandering around the shops.
What an idiotic idea that was.
It was about the busiest I've ever seen it.
Walking along Princes Street was reminiscent of the big get-together in Mecca.
Things weren't helped by the highly original "robot dancing" man causing a big obstruction of a large section of the street with his ground breaking body popping.
In spite of all this I had a couple of eavesdropping smirks as I made my way home.

Scene 1 ; middle-aged couple sitting arguing on a park bench in Princes St

Man (loudly) "What part of 'I am NOT fucking senile' do you not understand???"
(at this point the woman turned away and rolled her eyes in exasperation)

That was quite good...

Then...

Scene 2 ; another middle-aged man and woman talking in St James Centre (I get around!)

man: I got married 8 years ago...

woman : That's brilliant!...Congratulations..!!!

man : actually, we split up 6 years ago

woman : oh... sorry to hear that!

Of course maybe this meeting of long lost friends had a happy ending.
Perhaps they always fancied each other, and the lady was secretly crestfallen when he said he'd got married, but her hopes rose again as he revealed he was actually single..

Fascinating stuff...

ok anyway, I hope this guy achieves what he sets out to do...although it sounds horrendous...
I just think that at some point he will regret his decision to carry that banner thing AS WELL...!!!

21/03/08 Regime change

I didn’t think I’d gotten THAT drunk at The Stand party on Wednesday night, but the evidence of the following day seemed to contradict this belief.
After describing last Sunday’s experience as my worst hangover in living memory, Thursday more than eclipsed this accomplishment.
I eventually got out of bed at 6pm, shuffled about for a while, then retreated back into bed at 9pm. Grim.
That’s 2 days of my life I’ve completely wasted in the last 5 days.
It’s on the wagon for me for a while I think.
I’m in the huff with Mr Booze and the sadistic way he’s been bullying me of late.
I’ll see if I can beat my highly unimpressive current record of 18 days alcohol abstinence.
On a brighter note, I’ve managed to avoid Mr Nicotine successfully for the last 2 weeks, and as if that wasn’t impressive enough, have smashed through the 13 stone barrier for the first time in ages (I mean being less than 13 stone ,of course).
Losing weight and stopping smoking at the same time.
How impressive is that?
I should be able to get on the “Richard and Judy Show” with stuff like that.
I’m not really on a diet or anything.
Diets are inherently pointless unless you maintain them indefinitely.
I’ve just bade a tearful farewell to my beloved kettle crisps, tend to avoid bread and potatoes most of the time (likewise chocolate), do a bit more exercise and there’s no eating between meals…
That’s all really….but as a consequence of this half-hearted regime, I’ve lost more than a stone in the last 5 weeks (although that does include the unintentional 10 day Atkin’s diet in Canadia). But I'm eats lots of salad and fruit and shit like that, ken...
btw how good is this?????
(it's the mime for "ladies" that makes me chuckle)

19/03/08 Hurray! Back at Work!

I'm doing another 3 month IT contract...it's not ideal for coming up with interesting blogs.
Although in fairness, I did see a man rollerskating along Princes Street yesterday weaving in and out of congested traffic.
His style was reminiscent of the nonchalant, swaying motion of the speed skaters you see every 4 years during the Winter Olympics.
I suspect he's probably been run over by a lorry by now.
It did look completely suicidal.
My other observation of note occurred during a feature on "Scotland Today" last night on the matter of the lack availability of NHS dentists in certain areas of Scotland.
There was a couple of interviews with people protesting that their life was "hell" as they had no dentist to go to.
Then we had some dentist stock footage, as the reporter summed things up.
The footage started off very humdrum with people just having their teeth inspected on the dentist chair.
Then suddenly, it cut to a man, who was obviously under general anaesthetic having his teeth hurriedly yanked out by a dentist, as if he was competing in a hilarious "It's A Knockout!" style dentist game...battling against the clock!
There's not that many TV moments which lead me to involuntarily shout out...
"Jesus Fucking Christ! What are they showing that for??", but this was definitely one of them.
That was quite interesting.
I've been spending a couple of hours a day demonstrating outside "Ladbrokes" with a "Renounce The Wages Of Sin" placard.
Hopefully, I can persuade others to renounce the evils of gambling and join me on my path of righteousness.

16/03/2008 Ho Hum

Well I had a couple of lapses before the snowboarding in jaunt in Canada, so I can't lay all the blame on the land of Mounties.
However, in the course of the holiday there was once again regular partaking of the evil cigarette by your correspondent.
I've been off them again for a week, so the saga continues.
I have also now permanently closed down my Betfair account.
I'd actually been doing extremely well of late and had been very disciplined with my betting strategy.
This all fell apart last weekend, as I made a string of colossal losses as the form book broke several windows in various sporting events, ie Scotland beat England at rugby (yes, I treacherously backed the Auld Enemy...I can't apologise enough), the FA Cup shocks and Aberdeen and Celtic drawing.
I'd effectively thrown away all my hard earned profits and was now sitting on a loss.
I'd fallen into the classic idiot gambler scenario of betting just because I fancied a bet rather than carefully selecting what represented a good value bet.
Then I did something even more stupid.
I decided to do the "double or quits" bet thing, and wagered an extremely large bet on England beating Ireland at rugby yesterday (I can't tell you how much, but just believe me it was big).
This would retrieve all my losses and leave me slightly in profit over the long term.
I decided though that regardless of what happened, I would quit gambling on Betfair for ever. Too stressful.
As Ireland raced to a 10 point lead after 5 minutes, my sphincter adopted the characteristics of a giga counter switched on in Chernobyl.
Thankfully Ireland didn't add to this score and England won in the end, although for long periods it was a close game, and it was thanks to some stupid mistakes from Ireland that the final scoreline was so convincing.
Anyway, I got away with it, and have now renounced the evils of gambling.
It's just very difficult to make a lot of headway in the long term.
I'm just going to stick to the stock market from now on.
Much less risky!
There was a new review section added to the Scottish Comedy Forum which made interesting reading.
It was then withdrawn because apparently some of the contributors complained that their permission had not been sought in terms of posting their reviews.
I found this a bit odd as the reviews seemed to be excerpts from people's blogs.
I mentioned in a post that this was akin to streakers complaining about people looking at their cocks.
I thought that part of the vainglorious idea of doing a blog was that you want as many people to read it as possible?
(then my post got binned. It's 1984 all over again! :-))
Was at a birthday bash at The Jam House last night.
We had a meal at 6.30pm and then just stayed on and listened to the bands and got drunk.
Due to the early start/late ending of the evening, I now have a colossal hangover.
I'd say about 80-90 % of the punters were female (some readers might find that statistic helpful)
I nicked along to The Stand to see Jo Caulfield heeadline (very funny) before rejoining the party action.
I remember (vaguely) being intrigued by the choice of covers the band played.
We had The Proclaimers/500 Miles ; All Right Now/Free ; Doobie Brothers/Listen To The Music ; Duran Duran/Hungry Like The Wolf amongst others.
A fairly eclectic selection I'd say.

11/03/2008 Kapow!

I loved "There Will Be Blood". What a movie!
Although saying that, if any actor other than Mr Day-Lewis was playing the lead role then it could easily have been a bit of a turkey.
Totally mesmerising performance.
He completely dominates every scene he appears in...there's just this brooding menace going on the whole time in his character. I loved it.
The young priest didn't quite convince as much, and he kept reminding me of Gene Wilder's portrayal of the nervous accountant Leo Bloom in "The Producers", (particularly when he started shouting like a maniac)
My wallet turned up!
I had to pay a 3 quid admin charge as well as 10% of the cash recovered to the Lost Property Dept at Waverley Station.
Everybody's on the make these days....
The main thing is I got my drinks discount card from The Stand back...
That's worth about 10 000 pounds a year to me in savings.
There are few things I enjoy more than being out in the country with a large column of boiling water and steam spouting from the top of my head.
I like to think I'm a bit of an active geezer...

09/03/2008 Sunday Sunday

There's been a bit of a debate in the past couple of weeks in Scottish Comedy land.
Basically, The Stand took a swipe at the "Scottish Comedian of the Year" award in particular, and the concept of comedy competitions in general.
Most people have avoided commenting as they don't want to burn their boats with either promoter involved.
Fair enough, but I suppose Blogs are meant to be used for droning on about such things.
I've been impressed with the professionalism with which the SCOTY award has been run.
However, I do think that the award itself should be prefixed by the organisation which is running it.
The current name does imply a consensus of the Scottish Comedy Industry in its running, and this is clearly not the case.
If either the "Laughing Horse New Act Of The Year" or "Amused Moose Search for a Star" comedy awards suddenly decided to call their competition "English Comedian of the Year" there would be an avalanche of guffaws and pelters.
The main reason I don't enter competitions in general is (WARNING ; highly subjective recollection alert) based on an experience is a southern based comp.
I'd got through to the second round and travelled down to London for it.
I had a stormer, and was really pissed off that I didn't qualify and felt cheated.
But what really annoyed me more than anything was the knowledge that if it was a non-competition gig, I would have headed home delighted with the way things had gone, rather than sulking North to think again.
However, there are so many new acts scurrying around desperately seeking stage time, that it's inevitable people will run competitions.
They are fairly lucrative to the organiser.
You don't pay anyone and you can charge normal comedy club prices in the knowledge that each contestant is likely to bring a few supporters with them.
I think personally you should always have a experienced compere and closing act in setups like this, but it doesn't always happen.
In the early rounds it's effectively an open mic night with an inflated entry charge.
Fascinating stuff, huh?
(just as well nobody ever reads this)
I'm back working for the man again...it's just a 12 week contract...may it pass quickly...
I had 3 gigs this week...one great, one so-so and the other difficult to tell because there were so few people in the audience.
It was good to see Scotland beat England yesterday at the rugby as they've been having such a crap tournament.
However, for the neutral watching Ireland v Wales and Scotland v England, it was pretty grim stuff.
That old clip of the Barbarians try against the All Blacks which always pops up now and again shows a form of Rugby Union completely unrecognisable from the turgid shite on display these days.
They still need to get the rules sorted out I reckon.
I've signed up to go on a "Deliverance" style canoeing/hillwalking trip in May up in Sutherland.
It's good to have things like this planned because it gives you an incentive to get fitter and not be the pathetic runt out of the 10 of us who are going.
I'm probably not going to play the Burt Reynolds character, but I definitely don't want to be Ned Beatty and would be happy to to take the Jon Voigt role.
Just been for a 2 mile run and never stopped once...amn't I the one?

05/03/2008 Back

So anyway, my holiday got off to a spectacular start when I lost my wallet on the day I was leaving. Nice...
I had to cancel all my cards and then went to the trusty Alliance and Leicester to take out a big wad of cash to take away with me.
According to the bank teller, my card hadn't been cancelled. Hmmm...
So they had to phone again to cancel it before they would give me the dosh.
They had to phone the same call centre that I had, and it took about 30 minutes for them to get through and request that the card got cancelled, (I had definitely done this myself earlier on).
You'd think there would be some sort of direct line from the branch to the call centre for stuff like this...but apparently not.
This is mental...
I couldn't get angry with the teller though as she was far too attractive for that.
She made me laugh as well.
"You've Lost That Loving Feeling" was being piped through the bank.
She mentioned that when she split up with her first serious boyfriend, she was devastated and tearful and was later picked up by her dad in his car.
As he drove home, that song came on the radio, prompting her dad to enthusiastically sing along... blissfully unaware of the tragic resonance the lyrics would be having on his daughter.
A classic example of male insensitivity I'd say.
Well the boarding was great...but a bit more snow would have been appreciated.
I like Canadians...very friendly folk...
One criticism though...you need to broaden your adjective use...everything seems to be "awesome"...
Now, if I saw a grizzly bear shagging a moose up a tree...that certainly would be universally agreed as "awesome" (I'm not saying I did see this)....BUT if I produce the correct change for a quarter of a pound of sherbert lemons in a confectionery store (which I did), then that's not really "awesome", although it was enthusiastically described as such by the young male assistant.
However, it was quite awesome to be somewhere which still stubbornly clings on to Imperial Measures, and be able to ask for a quarter of a pound of sherbert lemons rather than this 200g nonsense.
I'm seriously thinking of going veggie.
I must have eaten about 3 cows with a couple of pig side dishes in the 10 days I was out there.
I've probably lost weight as it was something of an unintentional 10 day Atkins diet with a daily exercise routine.
You don't see too many vegetables out there....

22/02/08 I'm in Canada

Hey, am I cool, or am I cool???




Snowboarding is a funny way to spend a holiday.
It's all very exhiliarating and fun, but after a couple of days I find myself perpetually a bit shagged out (with a mild hangover).
I got a board on Ebay before I came out and what a board it is...
It makes my old board look like an antique ironing board.
All of a sudden I can go twice as fast as I used to.
The only downside is that when I fall off it hurts twice as much as it used to.
The slopes are good but we need more snow...please!
The weather is a bit freaky in Banff this week.
Last week it was -30, but this week it is averaging +5. Weird.
With all my thermals on I nearly passed out with heat exhaustion on the first day.
Still...better than working I suppose...

On the Stand-up scene, I found out I'd been reviewed twice here
Interestingly, they were two very good gigs for me...however, he obviously doesn't like me and I get a bit of a kicking.
(although in fairness, he does observe that I was well received by the audience on both occasions)
I do agree with him to a certain extent on sticking a bit too rigidly to my script, and I'd like to get a bit more conversational with the audience, especially at clubs like LemonCustard, (which was a brilliant little comedy evening which I thoroughly enjoyed,quirkily hosted by Dee Custance and Sian Bevan).
I like getting a bit of objective criticism though, and just because you have a really good night in terms of audience reaction doesn't mean that you can't get a slagging.
I know I myself regularly see some comics ripping it up, but don't really rate them as great acts.
But now I must go out to get drunk because that is what decrepit snowboarders do of an evening to ease their painful joints.

07/02/08 Night Out With The Lads

I went to see my old mucker Jamie Frain showcase his new CD at The Phoenix Bar last night, with Dave Reilly ably accompanying him on bass.
Old Frainto remains a very talented musician.
He's got a great voice and can definitely write a mean tune.
My only criticism would be that his lyrics don't quite engage me to the same extent, but that's a minor quibble.
"Trashcan Secrets" is the pick of the bunch.
Later I had a dispute with Dave's wife regarding her husband's TV viewing habits.
She seemed to think that as I was currently not in possession of a job, it was inappropriate of me to make impertinent remarks regarding Dave's packed lifestyle.
It was all happening !
Another old mucker of mine, Mr Nicky Hind , is across visiting from the USA for a few days,and we have been having a right royal laugh.
He went down to Newcastle with me on the next leg of my UK tour.
The gig went really well even though I thought my actual performance was fairly cack.
"Long Live Comedy" is a great little club though, and I'd heartily recommend it!
We tried to find Hadrian's Wall on the way down, but got a bit lost and only found a little bit of it just before it got dark.
It looked just like a mound of earth, but the sign said it was a Roman Temple attached to the wall.
Impressive.
The new SatNav worked a treat on the way down but then wouldn't charge up for the journey home.
It took a while to get out of Newcastle under manual navigation and I took a short tour of several Industrial Estates in Newcastle. Very interesting.
We've spent a lot of time arguing about politics, the system and "working for the man"...I'd say I won.
I also had a pretty severe haircut...a No. 2 all over...
I like it, but am blessed with something of a potato head and am not best suited to the crew cut look...
My friend Lynne said it made me look 10 years younger ...but she was probably a bit pissed..(I certainly was)