10/04/2007 The Laughs Clog Up A Bit

I had a fairly ropey gig last night at The Stand...
It was overdue...my current run of success had to end at some point...
On entering ye Stand Comedy Club I was surprised to find that a group of 62 Dutch people had made a block booking.
This made for a slightly different atmosphere to the usual Monday night.
They were a jolly bunch though and were well up for a laugh.
In spite of this, I immediately worried that my stuff might be a bit too weird to easily translate for punters with English as a second language..and my fears were confirmed.
I mean it was ok and all that...but last Tuesday in Glasgow was probably my best ever gig and this seemed all a bit flat in comparison.
I didn't help matters by fluffing a few lines and forgetting big chunks of my routine...(unforgiveable when I was reading much of it OFF A FUCKING CLIPBOARD!)
I then had an uncomfortable chat with some friends who'd come to see me and were obviously unimpressed by my display (and quite rightly so).
It's never really worth analysing it all with yer mates.
If I harped on about how great a reaction I'd been getting in the previous gigs, I'd have come across like a desperately needy arsehole.
In fairness though, I am a desperately needy arsehole, but I should seek ways to disguise this as much as possible as it's not the most attractive trait in a person.
You need the lows to appreciate the highs anyway...
So in a way last night was a triumph in terms of demonstrating the truth of tired old comedic cliches.
Tonight I am running an open mic evening at Black Bo's...
But look I got some nice comments from my fellow comedians .

05/04/2007 POW Etiquette

I'm not one to judge or anything...I mean, I don't know exactly went on in the background in terms of threats and stuff, but I always thought the thing to do was give your name, rank and number and that's all...!
Of course, I'm referring to the Iran captured sailors saga...
You're not really supposed to participate in TV chat shows and have cosy chats with the prime minister and that...
Don't you get training to prepare you for this eventuality?
(the fact that if I was in a captor situation, I would do anything they wanted me to on the merest hint of a threat of receiving a mild chinese burn, is beside the point...)
I think that the least you can expect is to be fully trained in "Advanced Sarcasm".
This could completely offset the propaganda affect of the prisoners appearing on camera...
We in the UK are world leaders in the art of dry sarcasm.
We should use this weapon more often...
AND it is certainly a lot cheaper than replacing Trident...
You see, the Iranian captors might not even have realised that they were being deeply sarcastic, as it is often difficult to detect it in a foreign language...
"I mean, we're REALLY sorry about trespassing in your seas" and stuff like that...!
"We DEFINITELY won't do it again...!"
Of course, sarcasm doesn't work very well on Blogs.
You have to imagine that the words in capitals are said REALLY sarcastically...
(apart from that last sentence. I was using the capitals there to denote emphasis rather than sarcasm)
I'm not sure why I used italics there though...
hmmm...

01/04/2007 Dancing With Tears In My Trousers

A while ago I announced that I had retired from dancing in public, however on Friday I broke my embargo and found myself strutting around the dancefloor of The Citrus Club like there was no tomorrow.
In fact there was a tomorrow, which was Saturday which definitely did happen yesterday (I was there).
I had gotten fairly pissed with some people that I used to work with who were celebrating their meaty bonuses through the medium of drink.
They don't work in a Slaughterhouse though...it's an Insurance Company, but yes, you say...what's the difference?
And I would say one kills animals and the other offers financial services, primarily life insurance and pensions...
So they are different as such...
It's fair to say that my interpretation of "Don't You Want Me Baby" by the Human League achieved my biggest comedy laughs of the week from the surrounding onlookers...
I went for a "Pan's People" choreographic approach in terms of very literally interpreting the lyrics about waitresses in cocktail bars and having the world at your feet and all that.
I also smoked a single cigarette...
And have been forced to confess by bullying loudmouth Paul Dance that I smoked 4 cigarettes at a recent party at which we were both in attendance.
(he has threatened to bombard my site with comments calling me a lying toerag in terms of my alleged nicotine avoidance performance)
I definitely haven't had a "sober" cigarette in 2007 though...
so that's alright then isn't it?
Well, no it isn't alright at all...
I've let you all down and worst of all I've let myself down
I went throught the traditional "never again" mantra for much of yesterday...
Much as I enjoy getting tanked up and parading like an idiot on dancefloors of an evening, I hate in effect losing the next day...
I wasn't ill...I was just tired and lazy...I'd call it a 24 hour persistent vegetative state...and I did bugger all of any usefulness...
I just watched a tired old listing thing about "comedians' comedians" which I'd seen already on the Saturday night after spending much of the day in a comatose condition...
Currently toying with the idea of having a "dry" April...

27/03/2007 A New Hope?

I was thinking, if THEY can do it...surely Alan Anderson & Mac Star can get along....

The Scottish Comedy Community holds its breath...!!

26/03/2007 A Pant In The Country

I've been trying to get fitter of late.
I'm due to be going away on an arduous weekend of climbing/walking at the beginning of May, so I need to be ready for it...
Unfortunately, I had flu 2 weeks ago and this has set back my progress.
I walked up a hill yesterday which would have been a piece of piss to do a month ago...but yesterday I was really struggling...it's like the bug has sapped my strength...goddamnit!
Traditionally these walks are like "Deliverance" theme weekends in which I play the "Ned Beatty" character, and all the others play the "Burt Reynolds" character..
I struggle behind, and by the time I catch up, they move off again, so that I feel constantly under pressure to keep up...
I mean, don't get me wrong...they are very supportive and all that, but still, deep down I think they really enjoy my physical distress, as it affirms their superior fitness levels when they see a mere mortal staggering about out of breath carrying a ridiculously large rucksack...
This may well happen again, but I'm determined to be in better shape than usual...
(thankfully I have so far managed to avoid being raped by gap-toothed hillbillies on any of these outings...!)
One thing I've noticed about the last few gigs is that I get bigger laughs the more deadpan I play it...
I can't keep it up though...I just find it irresistible to join in laughing...
To not laugh would be equivalent to being at an orgy but having to make do with having a wank in a corner, outside of the main action...
However, it could be convincingly argued that laughing at your own jokes is an inexcusable form of wanking in itself...
It's a catch-22 situation...
I must apologise to my younger readers for the graphic sexual content of this latest piece...

25/03/2007 Boring

I know that my blogs are much more interesting when they describe me dying on my arse on stage.
But, in all truthfulness, this hasn't happened for ages, and I had another great gig at the Glasgow Comedy Festival last night...
I'm not sure why...I think that perhaps I have finally found my "voice" (now that doesn't sound pretentious at all...does it?)...but who knows...?
Anyway, it's fair to say that I've had literally three requests from people wanting to know what my upcoming gigs are...
I've been having issues updating the old web page, so here they are ...
27th March, Canon's Gait Cellar Bar (compere)
29th March "Heresy" " Jekyll & Hyde, Edinburgh
3rd April, The Stand, Glasgow
9th April, The Stand, Edinburgh
15th April, The Stand, Edinburgh
21st April, The Comedy Womb, The State Bar, Glasgow
22nd April, The Stand, Glasgow
30th June, The Comedy Womb, Glasgow
11th - 17th Aug, "The Free Mouseketeers", Jekyll & Hide (with Jo Romero & Clara Heimerdinger)

Yesterday there was a massive Orange Parade in Edinburgh.
It was the biggest I've ever seen.
The liberal, tolerant part of me wants to say, ok, on you go, celebrate your tradition...it's your democratic right to parade and all that...let's just all live together bla bla bla...
The problem is that they are a difficult crowd to love...
I was walking across the Meadows in Edinburgh where they were all lining up, and it became clear that a lot of the people involved were psychotically drunk....
I saw one of the "official" Orange stewards take a bottle of "After Shock" out of his pocket and have a big slug...
Jeezo...that stuff is absolutely lethal...I can't imagine what anyone would be like after drinking a whole bottle...!
I saw a foreign student getting hit on the head with an umbrella because he cut across the line of the parade becasue he wanted to cross the street...(you're not supposed to do that...apparently)
This is all well and good, but it was such a big parade that Edinburgh was effectively split in half, and it was difficult walking across the city without incurring Orange wrath.
And of course, the traffic in Edinburgh was completely gridlocked all afternoon...
The weird thing is though that part of me still really likes the sound of the flutes and the drums in spite of all the negative connotations associated with this cultural event.
As a little kid in Glasgow I found it all very colourful and exciting...
But at the same time it is very intimidating, and there's a sneering swagger of triumphalism running through the participants.

This weeks interesting links are Rangers fans singing in Spain and getting into trouble with UEFA.
I'm glad that someone is finally taking the bigots to task.
I'm a Rangers fan and I want my club back.
These are the sort of twats that forced me away from attending games.
It's not just offensive in content...; it's also probably the worst singing I've ever heard in my life...
There's absolutely no diaphragm control going on there at all, and they're way out of time and pitch...
I think we need a BBC "Sectarian Fame Academy" and get Leslie Garret to knock the boys into shape...
The next clip is the Ricky Gervais Comic Relief film...pure genius...
The look that Ricky does to camera after sarcastically saying to Bob Geldof that "the Boomtown Rats were still really big in 1985" is one of the funniest things I've seen in my puff....

17/03/2007 Talk Talk

The TALK TALK Sales team tell me how it is all going to be great and that....



So anyway, I decided to switch from the evil overpriced Telewest empire to the brave new world of Talk Talk...
Unfortunately the transition has been accompanied with a dirty large seam, and as a result I have been without access to the Interweb for the past 3 weeks.
Did you miss me ?
Every single day?
Did you hang my picture on your wall?
...as the fat guy who we can't mention by name anymore, who wore the tin foil suit and the bad wig and sang about such things...
I'm on at The Stand this Monday (19th), so come along and have a pint...
The past few gigs have gone worryingly well, and a dangerous perceptible level of confidence is creeping into my psyche...
Where/when it will be crushed is anybody's guess...it could happen anytime...worrying...worrying...
Meanwhile...
I was walking down Dalry Road the other day at lunchtime when I saw in the distance what I thought was some kind of political demo taking place...
Curious, I advanced towards it but was ultimately surprised to find it was a gigantic queue of pupils from Tynecastle High School at "Greig's" the Bakers...
So much for Jamie Oliver's campaign!
Without wishing to sound like "Outraged, of Tunbridge Wells", I did find it a little depressing that literally hundreds of kids were queuing up to eat nutrition free gunge...
Don't their parents give a shit?
No wonder we are shit at Sports...
I was a little shocked...I naively thought that the Scottish diet thing had moved on a bit...I wiz wrong...!
For no reason in particular, I remembered this family anecdote today...
In her later years my Gran became just a little confused sometimes...
When she was at our house once, she noticed a large white Husky Dog soft toy which was situated in the corner of our living room.
"What do you feed it?" asked my Gran in all seriousness.
Quick as a flash, my Dad replied "We stuff cotton wool up its arse!"
I was thinking about that walking up the street today and burst out giggling, attracting quizzical looks from the oncoming pedestrian traffic.

03/03/2007 Me, I like a good laugh, I do

Well, my brother caused me a fit of giggles yesterday.
He wanted to print off my last blog at work (he was curious about the Saddam picture)
He duly did this and nipped out for lunch.
However, he actually succeeded in printing the entire 2 years worth of entries of this here Blog, much to the annoyance of his co-workers as they waited to use the departmental printer.
"Who is this bloody Jim Park anyway?" they reportedly moaned many times as the vast printing output built up.
Here are a copy of links to things which have amused me greatly in the last week.
The first one is an article about a policeman in Fife with an interesting hobby...
The next is a classic clip from "Harry Hill's TV Burp"...

01/03/2007 Pub Closedown Shocker!

I had something of an out-of-body experience last night at the comedy club.
I was dancing on stage wearing a Saddam Hussein rubber mask to the Scissor Sisters
track "I Don't Feel Like Dancing".
I'd earlier roughly choroegraphed a routine which was a combination of "River Dance", Disco and "The Slosh" style.
As I looked at myself, I wondered what the adolescent Jim would have thought if he'd been shown this nightmarish vision of Jim the adult.
I've no doubt he would be horrified.
(the idea of the piece was "to satirise the illegal war in Iraq through the medium of dance", in case you're interested)
Great night though....
And it was also the last night of the club at this venue, as the Holyrood Tavern is now closed down...as of today...!
I think they just kept it open last night to make a bit of cash as we again brought in a room full of customers...
(the average Wednesday nights there had about 3 people in the bar before we started running the club)
So we're on the lookout for a new home.
Thanks to all the acts who appeared and to everybody who came along and supported us.
And if you didn't make it to any of the nights, then you should be deeply ashamed of yourself, and I sincerely hope that you have enormous difficulty in sleeping at night for the foreseeable future.
How could you?
Bastards, bastards, bastards....!
On a brighter note, Ted the resident feline has been very ill but is now back to his manic self.
Hurray!
The comical Dee Custance remarked on stage last night that I reminded her of her Dad...
Ouch!

25/02/2007 Haircut 100 (well, almost)

So well done Walter Smith and Rangers...a great European performance...
I always felt that Walter would turn things around at Ibrox!

I was walking up Dalry Road today and was intrigued to discover that Dalry Road has now become something of an International centre of Hairdressers.
In a 100 yard stretch at the bottom of Dalry Road I counted 6 separate Hairdresser establishments.
People must travel from all over the world to get their hair cut in Dalry.
I assume this is the case, as surely there are a little too many hairdressers needed purely to satisy the local clientele.
It's very odd...
What were the people who opened the 6th premises thinking?
"You know, I was thinking...there are only 5 hairdressers in this 100 yard stretch of Dalry Road...! What this area is crying out for is another Hairdresser."
Maybe they all opened at the same time, and the owners were shocked to discover that 5 other people had a "Dalry Hairdressing dream" which they had simultaneously realised.
Could some of them be bogus businesses being used for money laundering purposes?
Maybe they are staffed by CIA operatives for Intelligence surveillance?
Perhaps they could get together and use the proximity of their businesses to their advantage?
You could do a "Barber Crawl" along that stretch of Dalry Road and get a slightly different haircut at each shop. (I presume you'd be offered a discount)

I played poker last night and made a bit of an arse of things.
I was the biggest loser of the night...
I don't mind losing (sound of nose growing longer), but in the course of the games I made a few idiotic mistakes, eg folding when I could have checked, which caused me great irritation.
I also got grumpy at the Dance Bros habit of informing me it was my shot every time...even though I already obviuosly knew it was my shot and was pondering my action...
Little things can become very annoying when you are on a losing streak....

The filmed night at The Stand in Glasgow went pretty well I thought.
I assume they'll give us a shout when the clips are uploaded onto the web.

It was a little unfortunate that the evening coincided with Celtic's Champions League match with Milan being live on telly.
Consequently, The Stand was quieter than usual, although it was still a reasonable turnout.
The audience were 90% female.
It was slightly disconcerting in that when they laughed, it sounded like the Munchkins laughing along with Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz.
Not that there's anything wrong with that....

A Little Bit Disappointed

Like Walter Smith, I was "a little bit disappointed yesterday".
He felt like this because he made another tactical arse of things in a European tie ; losing to the "crack" Israeli outfit, Hapoel Tel Aviv.
His record outwith the domestic league is historically, and remains, awful...
And don't say, "well, he beat France when he was manager of Scotland" ...because yes, he did, but you get the odd unexpected result in football...
Bertie Vogts beat Holland at Hampden in the Euro 2004 play-off, but that result is viewed as a freak, and no-one is beating a path to Bertie's door to offer him another top job, are they?
I was also a "little bit disappointed" because I bought a CD of "Cult Film and TV Themes" yesterday.
Little did I realise that the tracks were not the original versions and instead, what I got was a great big steaming bag of shite.
The arrangements were terrible, and they were played by what sounded like a school orchestra.
I was just giving blood when I took a funny turn...
That's never happened to me before...
I just got all light-headed and nauseous all of a sudden.
Do you remember that old tv ad with Noel Edmonds trying to get you to give a pint of the the red stuff?
(of course you do you old fuckers)
Anyway, at one point he jocularly said, "No sensation of me draining away..."
Well, I did have a sensation of "me draining away..." (I hope this doesn't put anyone off...)
I always remember some smug chap standing in the background while Noel was being drained, who was act what he thought of being a blood donor.
"It's what your left arm's for!" he said, and we all laughed heartily.
Apparently next Tuesday night at The Stand is being filmed for some comedy web site.
I'll maybe post the link if the show goes well...!
Although, it's almost guaranteed to go badly, as the last 2 gigs have been great, and 3 in a row doesn't tend to happen...
It is written....!

14/02/2007 And now.....

I suppose I should plug the next "Electric Mouse Comedy Club" at The Holyrood Tavern in Edinburgh taking place on Wed 28th February at 8.15pm.

Featuring Neil McFarlane, Dee Custance, Jim Park, Graeme Harkins and a special Mystery Guest Headliner....and all this for 4 pounds...
crikey!

11/02/2007 Walking of the Hill Variety

This is what the view is supposed to be.






I have not been able to dine again at "Ponchorello's" esteemed eaterie as I have been banned for being cheeky to the staff.
This is a terrible injustice as I was only having a laugh...

Anyway, I've always felt slightly guilty that in my entire time at Stirling University, I never ventured to the top of the hill called Dumat which overlooks the campus and the Forth valley.
Well, I put matters right this weekend as I climbed to the top (without ropes) and finally stood on the summit.
Unfortunately, the cloud level was very low and the visibility was down to 50 yards.
So, there you have it....
I'll have to do it another time...

I had a top gig last night at The Stand.
To "storm" a gig is an overused expression in the comedy world.
I'm always very hesitant to use it to describe a gig...
The thing is that I've heard comedians talk about "storming" a gig when I've been in attendance, and to be realistic it was sometimes more of a "steady drizzle" than a "storm".
But I reckon it was the best reaction I've ever had at a spot at The Stand.
It reminded me of my first ever gig there...
I've often wondered what was the factor in that first gig that got such a big reaction.
Well,it was good to rediscover that intensity again...
I really enjoyed it, but there's no cigars...it was just a 5 minute slot.
I'd like more opportunities at longer slots...
You just feel you're warming up and then it's over...!
But it's still a fantastic feeling to have a gig like that...
Get in...!!!!!!

08/02/2007 Where are all the boyos?

I had a great lunch today at "Ponchorello's"...!
I had some tasty croissants to begin with...then some more tasty croissants...then a tasty croissant for dessert...it was all very tasty!
Usually at this time of year Edinburgh is teeming with Welsh people...
I get the impression that there's not as many up this time for the biennial piss-up extraordinaire...
In the heyday of this fixture in the 70s and 80s, you would struggle to get a room anywhere in Edinburgh over the weekend...
In fact thousands of supporters would begin appearing in Edinburgh on the Monday before the match...
The real tell-tale signs of diluting of the pigrimage were the "Vacancies" notices in all the little hotels in my street...
Where did it all go wrong?
I get the impression that there is a higher proportion of older generation supporters up than in years gone by...
Maybe the kids just don't dig doing that Edinburgh thing and are more concerned with downloading Arctic Monkeys records from thw World Wide Net and experimenting with recreational drugs.
Personally, I blame Charlotte Church...
That sort of nonsense wouldn't have gone on when Barry John and JPR Williams ruled the world...
The Sauna at Murrayfield seems to be doing a roaring trade...
(I was just walking past it on the way to the off-license, ok?)
I just hope the 25 pints hasn't derailed the dragon's roar with regard to this activity...
I suspect that there's a lot of drawing veils over reality and stuff when the visits are discussed afterwards in the hostelry.
I like them...they are a convivial bunch and are generally a good laugh, and up for some banter...
However, my grandpa hated all things Welsh, for reasons we never fully understood.
The most popular theory was that it stemmed from some wartime event involving Welsh soldiers...
He denied this prejudice...but if you'd seen his face whenever a Welsh Male Voice Choir appeared on the telly...the evidence was unassailable...



I got a promo flier from the Queen's Hall for an upcoming show by Fairport Convention.
The photo looks like a publicity shot for the "Still Game" sitcom...

Some people from work are coming to see me at The Stand on Sunday...
Hopefully they'll enjoy it...however, the lessons of history are foreboding...

The whole department at work came to see me in the Fringe show "Park's Circus".
They picked a really good night...the venue was packed..we all felt the show did well...
The next day at work no-one in the office said anything about the show...
This went on for 2 months...until the end of my contract...
Not a dickbird...
I assumed the silence implied they hated it...I'll never really know...

Mind you, ten years ago on a different contract, I was volunteered to organise a department night out to a Fringe show...
I chose "Bernard Chumley's Grand Tour" starring Matt Lucas and David Walliams.
Myself and one other girl from the office found it hilarious...
The other 20 sat stony faced, and I never heard the bleedin' end of their moaning about my "awful" show selection...
I wonder how they're getting on these days...
I thought they had potential...but hey, what do i know...?

31/01/2006 The Mouse That Roared!

I was a considerable distance above the moon with the first night of my "Electric Mouse" comedy club venture.
There was standing room only at the Holyrood tavern...!
Everyone got a good response and the evening was delightfully MC'd by the effortlessly hilarious Susan Calman.

And as well as that she stopped me taking a cigarette from funnyman Paul Pirie before the show by referring to my extensively documented efforts on this here Blog concerning my epic and continuing war against nicotine addiction.

It was a worrying incident though, and I will have to be careful...

It's not that I was really badly stressed out.

It's just one of these occasions where the nicotine urge persuades you that it'll be alright to have just one, in the circumstances.
I was surprised how well my set went down as to be honest the performance aspect was very, very creaky. I forgot large chunks of what I was going to do, tripped over a few lines and my timing was all over the place...
But hey, the customer is always right..so I'll take the laughs thank you very much...
I was like a football team winning a match, whilst not playing particularly well...and then Chick Young would say "that's the trademark of a great team", and I'd say to him "can you not talk in cliches for one minute in your life you twat", and so on.
My excuse was that it's the first gig for a few weeks, and I've been working like a dog the past few days, and had to spend all my free time setting things up for the gig... with little time to left to prepare for actually doing the joke stuff.
With the room being so full, it was stiflingly hot in the room.
We will have to try to remedy that for the next time...
It's generally been a good comedy venue for me...in fact, it's where I had my best ever gig...

The headliner Paul Sinha had a damned fine set as well...

I had a few pints of Stella in the full knowledge that it would give me a shocker of a hangover...and it duly did...who would have thought that?

Idiot....

23/01/2007 Shang-A-Lang

Tam Paton had a spot of bother in court the other day....
and you can read about it here.....
Tam of course is a legendary figure in Edinburgh and was the manager of the Bay City Rollers.
My attention was only drawn to this article by the hilariously awful photo of the aforementioned Mr Paton.
It really is a cracker isn't it?
It's like he's half way through a transformation scene in a Werewolf film.
I mean to say...he was never a looker...he would never have had Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt nervously looking over their shoulders...but even by his standards..this is a shocker!
I loved his "moment of madness" excuse in court...
The last time I heard that line was from the Welsh politician Ron somebody who had a "moment of madness" on Hampstead Heath one night.

Btw I recommend big time "Harry Hill's TV Burp" on Saturday on ITV around teatime.
TV programmes are usually a pile of common denominator, mainstream shite at this time...but Harry's show is gloriously silly and had me snorting with laughter throughout.
I've also been loving watching the new Seinfeld DVD of series 4 and 5.
It is without a doubt the smartest, funniest sitcom ever made.
I am always amazed that a lot of people I've talked to have never watched it ; mainly due to it being consigned to assorted graveyard slots in the schedule.
It's a shame...it's magnificent, and makes "Fawlty Towers" look like "Two Pints of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps".
I've been chuckling in quiet moments at work over an anecdote Ed recounted to me in't pub last week.
He described how he was out on a bit of a bender and stumbled into a bar on the South side of Edinburgh...very pissed...with his friends.
Their arrival coincided with the imminent commencement of a "Yard Of Ale" challenge race in which 2 teams were lined up, ready to each drink a whole YOA, and see which team could finish first.
A team was a man short, and all of a sudden Ed found himself co-opted into one of the teams.
His senses were too dulled to put up any resistance.
At his turn he began confidently, and each gulp, was serendaded in time by a "wo! wo! wo! wo!" shout and stamping of feet by everyone in the pub.
He then paused...the pub went quiet...and he began to projectile vomit around the pub indiscriminately.
After recovering, he joked with the barstaff, and pretended to break the Yard of ale glass in two over his knee.
However, his co-ordination hadn't fully recovered, and he did indeed snap the yard of ale glass in two...much to the disappointment of the bar staff.
I've got a picture in my head of Ed's apologetic inebriated expression which has kept me giggling all week.

19/01/2007 Shut That Door

I must admit I'm thoroughly enjoying my stint working in the crazy world of servicing pensions and life assurance policies.
It makes me very sad when I ponder that I only have 10 weeks left on my contract!
To be honest, even though I get paid a fairly good wad of cash for doing this, I'd be perfectly happy to do it for nothing, such is my love for debugging a suite of financial programs.
I can empathise with David Beckham in this regard.
He has let it be known that the money is not the principal reason he's going to play football in LA, preferring to look on the experience as a historic opportunity to raise the profile of soccer in the USA.
I know exactly what he means...
Similarly, the satisfaction I get from knowing that my computer tinkering will allow the company to make higher profits on the sale of their financial products is reward enough for me....and to get paid for it as well is simply marvellous...!
I do get a little stressed out by the doors at my office though.
They tend to be double sets of swinging fire doors.
When you open a door and go through, it swings right back on release, in a style reminiscent of the classic saloon doors in the Wild West.
Therefore, an unwritten etiquette exists whereby if you notice someone walking behind you, you stop and hold the door in the open position so that they can intercept the open door with their hand, and then pass through.
I'm trying to come to a policy on what the acceptable cut-off distance is for the person behind you, when it would be socially acceptable to go through the doors without stopping to hold the door open.
I usually settle for 10 yards, but on Friday I was shocked to see someone hold the door open for someone who was at least 20 yards short of the door.
I think that's too much, but at the same time I worry now that my 10 yard ruling will be interpreted by some in the office as anti-social and selfish.
If you leave too far a distance, there's always the possibility that the following person might not even be going to go through the doors at all, and you will be left looking like a complete idiot politely holding the door open for nobody.
I also find the social interaction of this manoeuvre very awkward.
When you hold the door open for someone, they usually say "thank you".
I don't know what the door holder is supposed to say in this situation.
If I was to try "Oh, it's nothing really..." or "you're welcome!", I am convinced it would sound very sarcastic.
The convention seems to be to smile meekly and raise your eyebrows slightly, in a tacit acknowledgement of your courtesy and consideration.
I hate it when the same person ends up following you through a series of doors, thanking you every time.
After two thank yous I think that the practice should be curtailed as the whole thing becomes ridiculous.
My record is a 10 door thank you festival.
Mind you, this pales into insignificance with the fury I feel when I don't even get a thank you at the initial door.
This is tantamount to waving a car waiting at a junction on to a main road ahead of you and not receiving a wave of gratitude.
It would perhaps be a good idea to employ a doorman at each door to preclude this awkward social phenomenum from occurring?
Or better still, get some Star Trek type doors fitted.
You know...the ones that go "Fsssschhh" and open and close like.

18/01/2007 Oh Dear!

It's all a bit of a Shakespearianesque tragedy isn't it?
It was "Big Brother" that made Jade Goody rich and famous, and now it is again BB which has smashed her career and reputation irretrievably to pieces...
Whoever advised her that it would be a good idea to revisit her BB experience will be running for cover when she gets kicked out tomorrow.
When she gets home, she will find a pile of cancelled contracts to read through while she contemplates her pariah status...
I reckon one day this will be a play or even a musical...
Not that I've been watching any of it...
I've got a life, kind of!
I've been having a little celebration every night this week.
From 17.07pm to 20.07pm I've been wearing nothing but my union jack y-fronts and have skipped around the flat singing "God Save The Queen" at the top of my voice.
I just thought that at least someone in the UK should make some kind of effort to commemorate the 300th anniversary of the Union.
I don't know if it'll catch on or not...?

15/01/2006 The Bleak Midwinter

Well, it's been a grim start to 2007.
I was shocked to hear of the tragic deaths of Harry Horse and his wife Mandy on Shetland.
I first saw Harry when he fronted the 80s Edinburgh band "Swamptrash".
Their thang was highly danceable bluegrass, and they all affected to be brothers.
Much as I enjoyed their music, the element of the performance which impressed me the most was Harry's hilarious between-songs banter, delivered in a totally convincing american country boy drawl.
I loved the way he never, ever let his character slip during a performance.
I'm sure he could have been a great stand-up if he'd wanted to.
He played 5-a-side football with us for a while as well, and it's probably fair to say that as a footballer he was a prodigiously talented cartoonist.His cartoons through the years for Scotland on Sunday and the Sunday Herald were always striking and memorable works of art.
One of the last times I saw him was an evening when we had been roped in to go and see a mutual friend in a rather creaky amateur production of "The Sound of Music" in Edinburgh.
During the interval Harry pointed out to me that amateur performers often have a problem of not knowing what to do with their hands.
In this show, a few of the cast held their arms rigidly at their sides, some grasped their hands rigidly together, and some burst on stage with their arms flaying around like a deranged octopus.
He came up with funny classification names for each type (which I sadly can't remember)...
However, I do remember he made me cry with laughter...
It's that inappropriate classroom laughter syndrome, whereby trying to suppress it just makes everything 10 times funnier.
He didn't have a pretentious bone in his body and would always be a model of charm and affability whenever you bumped into him.
A few of us met up last night in a pub to reminisce...
I got rat-arsed and am suffering today...
I can't drink properly any more...
At least, I can start getting smug about not smoking...That's 2 weeks now, and I've taken the decision to bin the packet of fags on the mantelpiece...
I find stopping smoking pretty easy really...I have no cravings at all really to have one...
The problem is I find starting again for no apparent reason very easy as well...if that makes sense...
But anyway, why do people ALWAYS say whenever anything involves fire...that it is "like a scene from Dante's "Inferno"...
Have they ever seen Dante's "Inferno"?
I doubt it...
How would Dante feel about this?
You could also say it is "like a scene from "Towering Inferno"..."
or "like a scene from Dante's "Towering Inferno" ?
or maybe just "there was loads of fire and that everywhere"
I didn't mind too much being back at work...
It was actually quite a good laugh in terms of office banter...
I observed a man who would come and talk to people at their desks periodically.
What was interesting was that he stood very upright with his arms behind his back in a military style.
He would then speak to the person at their desk, but would look straight ahead all the time, never once making eye contact.
It reminded me of the way the Sergeant Major spoke to the concert party on parade in "It Ain't Half Hot Mum!"....
Is there a point to this anecdote?
No.

08/01/2007 A New Hope?

There's great excitement at Ibrox as Sir David Murray presents the new "dream" management team of Walter Smith and Ally McCoist...!


I'm in shock as I was at the first day of my IT contract today...
Too tired to type...any...more....must rest....must resssssttt....

06/01/2007 Warming of the global variety

Glencoe, January 2050





Today I noticed that daffodil shoots have started appearing in my garden.
The first week in January?
That's unprecedented!
If you told me 25 years ago that in 2007 I would be commenting on the growth progress of daffodil plants in my garden via the medium of a global messageboard, potentially viewable by the entire planet...I would have believed you and asked you if you would like a cup of tea and a Bandit biscuit...
("You can stand it with Bandit, It's as big as a door")
I'm not watching "Celebrity Big Brother", but I did hear Jade Goody say that she was the "25th Most Influential Person In The World"...
(I think David Bann is number 26?)
Continuing my handyman success at replacing two window panes, I have put up a shelf in the kitchen as an encore.
It is now supporting a heavy load and is perfectly horizontal.
I am on a roll.

05/01/2007 We're doomed...DOOMED...!!!!

Well it seems that messrs McCoist and Smith will indeed be heading to Ibrox....
There's even talk of Alex McLeish getting the Scotland job...
The whole world has gone crazy....
I remember all too clearly attending a series of highly embarassing Champions League nights at Ibrox when Rangers were managed by Walter...
(his record in the group stages of the Champions League is P 16 W 3 ; D 2 ; L 11 , and there were the grim qualifying round exits to the likes of Levski Sofia, AEK Athens & IFK Gothenberg )...
Yes, he won a lot of trophies at Rangers...
However Tommy Burns was in charge at Celtic at the time.
Tommy's match tactic of choice at the time, was to read "The Charge of The Light Brigade" to the players before the match.
Walter's only tactic was to tell all his players to pass the ball to Brian Laudrup or Paul Gascoigne.
Walter's tactic usually prevailed domestically, but was hown to be rubbish in Europe.
The appointment is a backward step, and that's all I've got to say about football for the time being.
Ok, he's improved Scotland...he could hardly have made things worse...!
It's enough to almost make me reach for the packet of Marlboro Light sitting on my mantelpiece....
I haven't touched this packet since Hogmanay...woo hoo...!
I resisted the urge to crush the packet and throw it in the bin...as far as I'm concerned I'm just "currently not smoking"...
I've made stupid pronouncements so much in the past about never smoking again that my credibility is shot to pieces...
If I don't smoke again, fine...but if I do, big deal...c'est la vie...!

04/01/2007 Ooh La La..! Ou est mon "P Quarante-cinq"?

Well, so much for my ringing endorsement of PLG's management techniques..!
One thing is certain though. This wasn't a straightforward "sacking".
Rangers can't afford to offload him and pay him the remainder of his contract.
The departure has to genuinely be "by mutual consent".
And that is probably a first in the history of Football.

There's talk of Ally McCoist taking over....








...as well as the possibility of Walter Smith coming back...








ah well, it'll all come out in the wash...
Just spare me seeing Chick Young doing his ridiculous attempts at gravitas as he "exclusively" reveals nothing of any interest to anyone ever in the history of the universe...

I was thinking about what Saddam's death announcement in the Baghdad Daily News might be...?

HUSSEIN, Saddam Suddenly, after a long imprisonment, surrounded by his most hated enemies shouting things at him. Keep your Sunni side up!

not very funny is it?
I heard someone describe the mobile phone footage of Saddam as a "Happy Lynching" video...that's quite funny...

I attended a leaving do at the City Cafe last night for the only male member of the waiting staff at David Bann's exclusive eaterie.
If you ask me this would be a great job if you were a young man...
You've got all these gorgeous waitresses to work with and 80% of the restaurant's clientele is female.
You would need to attend evening classes on the use of a shitty stick.
They have a big ceiling fan in the City Cafe.
My friend Mark was in there a few years ago during the Festival when a street entertainer came in on stilts, loudly announcing details of his upcoming show.
Unfortunately, he didn't notice the fan and it smacked him on the forehead, sending him flying off his stilts.
He wasn't seriously injured or anything, and apparently it was very, very funny.
I've told so many people that anecdote that I'm convinced when I'm old and doddery, I'll believe I actually witnessed the event myself.
I bumped into long-time-no-see aquaintances DJ Simon and Siri, and exchanged a few minutes of chirpy banter.

03/01/2007 Je ne regrette rien

Well done PLG!
I have no sympathy for Barry "Mr Rangers" Ferguson...
It's been apparent for a long time that something is rotten in the state of Ibrox.
I never rated Alex McLeish as a manager anyway, but it was still obvious that certain influences in the dressing room wanted him out and frequently just wouldn't turn up on the day at all.
I suspect Mr Ferguson had some involvement in this, and I reckon he sees himself as untouchable when it comes to conflict with Ibrox managers.
Surrounded by an army of unquestioning sycophants, Barry seems to have detached himself from reality.
If you go against your managers wishes in organising squad piss-ups, then refuse to act on his tactical directions during a game, what do you expect?
BF is a good player, but horribly overrated.
Rangers would be better off without him in the long run.
However, can PLG survive the disdain of the Fergie Loyal if results remain poor?
Well, no he can't....

Well that's my little 2007 football bit.
Wasn't that fascinating?
I don't know why I bother writing about it.
I've lost a lot of my day-to-day interest in Scottish football...
Is there any other country in the world in which the main TV coverage of the "national sport" is scheduled at 11pm on a Monday night?
That's like an admission in itself that no-one gives a shit any more...
Shouldn't it be scheduled at a time to attract the interest of Scottish kids?

Having to sort out all my junk with a view towards submitting my Sel-Assessment Tax form is not good for improving ones mood.

02/01/2007 Random thoughts

I just got back from a yomp up Arthur's Seat and around Holyrood Park.
It's like Piccadilly Circus up there. I've never seen so many people clambering up the hills there.
There were a few people jogging around the park who I suspect were not in the habit of jogging.
They looked like they were just about ready to collapse with heart attacks...
I reckon they are making the classic "resolution" mistake of doing too much too soon in a desperate, doomed attempt to get fit/lose weight etc etc
Well, I suppose it's better than paying hundreds of pounds to join a gym then never go.
I saw the Wizard of Oz at the cinema the other night.
It brought back fond memories of my last cinema viewing of this film, when as a child, I was severly traumatised by these rather evil looking winged monkeys.
I also remember being irritated as a child at Dorothy going right back to the very, very beginning of the yellow brick road, when she easily could have saved a bit of time by missing out the initial winding section and instead head off from the point where the road opens out a bit and disappears onto the horizon.
I also wondered what type of dope the film producers were smoking when they thought it was a good idea to let the lion sing that dreadful song just before they met the Wizard for the first time. ("King of the Forest" or something like that)
I noticed that his earlier little intro song was a good bit shorter than the Tin Man and Scarecrow equivalents...perhaps he insisted on an extra song to even things up a bit...
Anyway...what a disaster...I can't remember the melody even though I've heard it loads of times...
It's good seeing it at the cinema again...There's lot of stuff going on in the background that you don't notice on the wee TV screen.
(still, no sign of the hanging munchkin though)
I thought Miss Gulch was looking quite foxy...
Strange how your perceptions change...
When the show "This Life" was first out, I couldn't believe that a lovely female like Millie could have an affair with an old sleazebag like O'Donnell.
When the show was recently repeated, I thought O'Donnell seemed like a distinguished, good looking gent, and represented a fine catch for Millie.
What could have changed in my appraisal?
Surely it's not just because I am 10 years older?
I'm not that shallow....
I drove out to South Queensferry on Sunday night, then drove back an hour later and was shocked to see two large trees collapsed over the road, blown down by the stormy weather.
We'd just missed them...
Now that would have been a bad start to 2007...getting squished on the A90...!

31/12/2006 Ding Dong

Weather forecast concern for Edinburgh Hogmanay Party




It's a bit wild weather-wise in Edinburgh today...
I think I'd rather stick cocktail sticks in my eyes than attend the Edinburgh Hogmanay Street Party tonight, (I suspect that the Council will not wish to use that line as a publicity slogan for the 2007 event)...
I feel sorry for the tourists, but it's not going to be a night to stand about in the open air...
I'm not convinced it's a smart idea to let off big muddafukka fireworks in 70mph winds, although on a positive thought, I may get a better view of the fireworks than usual if they are blown off course towards Haymarket...
Festive highlights?
Well I successfully cooked Xmas dinner for the family, (only slightly marred by me carbonised chipolatos)
I followed Nigella's idea of bathing the turkey overnight in a spicy solution designed to tenderise and moisten the bird.
It was a nice change for me to actually pay attention to her recipes rather than just stare at her breasts...(joke).
There was a preponderance of raised eyebrows and sarcasm as I disclosed my turkey policy, so it was gratifying that in the end it was hailed a culinary triumph.
My meal highlight was my sister uncorking a bottle of Californian white she wanted us to try.
I didn't like it very much and said...
"hmmm...it's a litle bitter, I'm not too keen on it"
My brother tried some...
"YEUCH!!!!!! That's DISGUSTING!!!!"
Such a diplomat....
(at this point I did literally fall off my seat laughing)
I fell asleep watching "The Vicar of Dibley"...woke up during "Little Britain", but fell asleep before the end...
That was the sum total of my Xmas telly viewing...
It's odd remembering how goddamn excited I used to get in the anticipation of checking out the Xmas TV schedules.
The video of Saddam being led onto the gallows has to be one the most surreal things I've ever seen on televison.
His nonchalance is very striking...
He looks like he could be nicking down to the local shop to get a packet of fags.
Of course, he could be in complete denial, unable to accept what is actually going on ; even at the point of being on the verge of death.
Can you imagine watching Tony Blair in that situation?
(yeah...yeah...yeah...of course there are lots of you out there who would welcome the opportunity, I'm sure...)
New Year Resolutions?
...well, cigarettes are out (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah)
This isn't really a resolution, as I started this a few weeks ago...but I've stopped eating meat in takeaways and in restaurants...
Part of me wants to go veggie, but I like meat too much...
However, I only eat free range, organic meat as I want no part of intensive factory farming...
You can be fairly confident that the meat you get in restaurants and takeaways is ordered from the cheapest sources available.
Sometimes they even use that reconstituted stuff that comes in a big roll...disgusting!
Yes, amn't I radical? ha ha
I went to see "Perfume" last night.
Patrick Suskind's book is one of my all-time favourites.
The film didn't disappoint....
(see I didn't bore your arse off by coming up with the original line that the book was in fact much better than the film).

23/12/2006 Stickin' It To The Man....!

Yesterday, I replaced the window panes that I had to break to get into my flat after locking myself out.
I view the job as a success as there is, as of yet, no sign of the panes falling out.
By doing the job myself I reckon I've saved about 100 quid, plus I feel like a proper man, having done a proper, practical piece of work...
It's a win-win situation...
I know I'm blatantly ignoring the fact that the repair wouldn't have been necessary had I not been a total idiot and actually locked myself out.
But I like to think of myself as a fairly positive person, and I'm not going to let this drawback encroach on my elation.
I managed to get the vast majority of my Xmas shopping done today...and all from one shop...
I'm not sure whether this practice breaks any rules or will generate a steady flow of sarcastic remarks from the recipients of the said gifts, but the one-stop-shop certainly takes a lot of stress out of the joyous activity of Xmas shopping.
I had a certain sympathy for the man in front of me at the checkout queue who waited patiently for 20 minutes only to be told that the particular checkout he was at couldn't do exchanges and he would have to queue up at a different point.
The expression on his face was a picture and I had to struggle manfully to keep a straight face.
Had a enjoyable meal out at a friends house last night.
It was all very tasty, as Dave Reilly would say.
I suppose that literally all that means is that the food has a taste, which you would generally expect to be the case.
Mind you, I had a meal at Tom Hamilton's flat once which was probably the exception that proves the rule.
I will be joining the ranks of the employed on 8th January for 12 weeks as I have successfully attained a glamorous, highly paid contract at a prominent Edinburgh Insurance Company.
It'll be hard to wear a tie again but I need the cash...

16/12/2006 Happy Xmas & A Merry New Year

Here's a nice little snowball game which really reflects the true meaning of Xmas....

Well, I didn't die on my arse at me last two gigs at Heresey and The Stand.
They were ok, but not the bestest...but a generally positive end to 2006, in terms of stand-up outings.
In the last month I have managed to lose 12 pounds, which is nice.
I haven't been on any diet or ought like that, but have been doing a lot of hillwalking...2-3 times a week...!
This is all well and good, but the sad reality is that I will have to climb 2 mountains a week for the rest of my life if I am going to indefinitely maintain my new Slim Jim persona...and Xmas is looming menacingly on the horizon...
Ah, who gives a shit? pass the mince pies missus!
For a few years there has been a Yahoo mailing group in existence, with a membership of people I knew when I was at Stirling University.
However, sparks flew at the weekend, resulting in the group creator (and most frequent poster to the group) deleting the group...! and now it no longer exists...!
The trouble began with an email from a disgruntled member requesting that she be unsubscribed from the group, before adding that the group creator (and most frequent poster to the group) was a pompous, self-congratulatory arsehole...
The teddy now appears to have been lfired out of the pram with an RPG, and my Stirling contacts have now vanished into hyperspace...
I don't know why he got upset...I told him loads of times that he was a pompous, self-congratulatory arsehole...It didn't seem to bother him...I thought he rejoiced in it...well, I don't know...really!
I was at a friend's surprise 40th Birthday party yesterday afternoon, making my trademark bread and butter pudding to take along to ra shared buffet...
Colin Crabbie (the current holder of "Edinburgh's Most Irritating Man At Parties 1996-2006") forced me to do a short bit of stand-up in front of a bemused gathering...
I can't stand getting in these type of situations....never again...!
I got talking to a country man who spoke at length on how much he enjoyed badger stew...
(I should point out that he only uses "road kill" badger, and there is no baiting involved of any description)
There was a lovely moment last night at my gig at The Stand when the compere, the Rev Obadiah was introducing the headline act, the fantastic Tony Carter.
He started by saying that there was a change to the advertised line-up and Tony wouldn't be able to appear, but that the replacement was the star of TV, the amazing Mr Jimmy Carr...!
Hilariously, a large portion of the audience totally believed this...and whooped excitedly...before the Rev admitted it was a joke and Tony Carter would, in fact, be appearing...
Tony's first word as he came on stage was "Cunt!"....

14/12/2006 Why is Holyrood?

Because it looks up Arthur's Seat of course.... ho ho ho...!








nice microphone technique....

Well, you'll be thrilled to hear that the Comedy Club thing at the Holyrood Tavern is back on again and will kick off on Wed 31st January.
Headlining will be the fantastic Paul Sinha, with "rising star" Jim Park supporting (cough cough)...
It will be titled "The Electric Mouse Comedy Club", (coming under the auspices of Electric Mouse Comedy based in London).
Tonight I'm appearing at Rick Molland's club Heresy at the Jeckyll & Hyde bar in Hanover Street.
I confidently expect to die on my arse severely as a means of punishing me for my last self-congratulatory blog on a recent gig at The Stand.
It's inevitable, and I will accept my fate with as much dignity as I can muster.
I'm also on at The Stand this Sunday (17/12), so why not come along and get pissed with me...
As I am currently not working, I am sadly missing the enormous fun and frolics of the Office Xmas Night Out, so I have decided that this night should be my unofficial Christmas night out...hurray!
I took part in the Filmhouse Monthly Quiz for the first time on Sunday...
Hellishly difficult questions...we came 16th out of 19 teams...
The team who won had an unbelievably high score. They must spend each month learning the details of every film in the Halliwell Film Guide...
It ain't natural....!
There did seem to be a little joke going on amongst the organisers in terms of question selection.
Some of the quotes were a little racy...and it was funny to witness the quiz lady read them out straight faced and with impeccable pronounciation...
eg " All I want to do is suck cock and eat pussy. There ain't no more" (I can't remember the answer)
It was rather amusing to see people in the bar, who weren't doing the quiz, bridle slightly at the odd, unexpected outpouring of filth.
A few weeks ago I went out with a few friends to this Chinese restaurant in Edinburgh, now I don't feel very well.....

07/12/2006 Getting Better

Ok, I'm not really one to blow my own trumpet...oh, come on, that's true...! When I die on my arse I tell it like it is...I ain't hiding nothing and am not delusional...but hey, I really ROCKED at The Stand this week...up there with my best ever gigs...!
There...I've said it now...and have obviously cursed upcoming gigs with my nauseatingly self-congratulory tribute...
It goes against my normal approach, but you know, "it's better to live a day as a Tiger than live a thousand years as a sheep", as the comedians in Tibet say.
My good mood was slightly punctured the next day as I skillfully locked myself out...then realised that since I had a new lock fitted, no-one else had a spare key..and I had to break a window to get in.
What a twat!
I was walking down Lothian Road today and noticed that the lap dancing establishment "Bottoms Up" had changed its name to "Big Daddy O's".
It still seemed to be operating as a Lap Dancing bar from what I could gather.
I immediately thought it would be amusing if a customer in the bar asked for a private dance, then was startled to see a 25 stone middle aged male wrestler in a white leotard and a spangly union jack top hat, appear from behind the curtain, dance around erotically then perform a famous Big Daddy "splash" manoeuvre on the unsuspecting punter by jumping in the air and landing on him on his stomach.
one-ahhh two-ahhh three-ahhh
And the winner by a submission is Mums and Dads favourite
"B-i-i-i-i-g D-a-a-d-d-y!!!!!"...
That would be hilarious...

01/12/2006 That Was Then This Is Now

Ex-Pistol Steve Jones seen yesterday



Yikes...!
It was 30 years ago this very day that Steve Jones didst tell Bill Grundy live on television, at about teatime, that he was a "dirty fucker" and a "fucking rotter".
"I don't believe it!" as Richard "Victor Meldrew" Wilson might say...(the 17th most eligible male in Scotland, who beat restauranteur David Bann into 18th place)
Of course, I didn't see it as it was a London regional news programme.
I would have been glued to "Scotland Today" or "Reporting Scotland" while this groundbreaking event was taking place down South.
We did fully experience the enormous outrage and fallout stemming from this event in Scotland though...
"The Filth And The Fury" is the most memorable tabloid headline associated with this volcanic event.
The language is quite tame by 2006 standards...but in 1976 it was scandalous.
There were various stories doing the rounds (probably bollocks) of people putting their foot through their TV screens, such was their moral outrage.
It was an exciting time to be young, stupid and very impressionable.
All of a sudden "Punk" went from being an underground movement to a dominant position in yoof culture virtually overnight.
My Jeff Wayne "War Of The Worlds" concept album was swiftly abandoned never to be played again (well not for a while)...
So what makes Britain great?
Well, I think one of the things that we do better than any other race on the planet is our ability to form an orderly queue.
It is what makes us special.
Our global influence has certainly declined.
However we can still cling on to this as trait to be envied.
On a different tack, one thing we lack in Britain is a national dance.
They have the hat dance in Mexico, that odd Greek dance with men with pom poms on their shoes, Russian Cossack dancing etc etc
I know England has Morris Dancing and Scotland has Highland Dancing...but there's not a specific British dance.
How about making it The Conga?
It also celebrates our ability to form an orderly queue...
In fact a new law should be passed that when a queue forms with 10 people in it, they should spontaneously break into a conga dance, wherever the situation.
Just a thought.

30/11/2006 Why me?

I headed into Central Library on George IV Bridge this morning.
It's usually a nice quiet place where I can spend a couple of hours staring at a blank page, breaking the monotony by occasionally glancing up when an attractive female student enters the room.
There were about 30 tables in the room, with two chairs at each table.
I'd say there were about 10 tables being used when I arrived.
I'd been staring at my blank page for about 20 minutes when I became aware of a man standing beside my desk.
He was a pretty big bloke, and about mid-20s...
"Excuse me sir" he said
"Yes" I said
"Could you take your coat off that chair so I can sit there?" (I had placed my coat over the second chair of my table)
"Well, no...why don't you pick another table?" (there were about 20 wholly unoccupied tables in the room)
"I want to sit here"
"You're not sitting here"
At this point a library assistant came across to see what all the fuss was about.
I explained that there were a host of tables to choose from, and she agreed with me that it was unnecessary for me to move my coat.
He then demanded to see her supervisor, and strode across to the other side of the room.
He continued shouting at me "Are you going to move your coat, sir?"
I shouted "no" across the room, and told him to shut up as there were people trying to work in the room.
(by this time everybody in the reference library had stopped what they were doing and were observing this surreal encounter)
He then started arguing with various supervisors, demanding that they answer his complaint "in writing".
He kept going on about "coat hangers" being distinct from "chairs" in their designated functions.
Eventually, a person who I imagined was the most senior librarian available, led him away for a "private consultation".
I thought this was the end of it, but 10 minutes later he appeared at my desk and again asked me to move my coat.
I again said no, and offered to put this in writing if he wished.
He was again led away arguing, and told me I was not funny.
He's not the first person to have told me this, so I am hardened to this particular criticism...and besides, it's just plain wrong...I am as funny as fuck! ok?
10 minutes later he appeared again, and proceeded to sit down at one of the (still many) unoccupied tables.He then opened a large reference book, glanced at a page, closed it, then put it back on the shelf and finally left the library.
I couldn't make up my mind about this guy.
Did he have genuine "issues"?
Was I being fimed for some new "Borat" influenced TV show, monitoring how I would deal with the library nutter?
Was he waiting outside the library with an axe?
Would I be the headline story on the Chortle home page?
The "why does the nutter always sit next to me?" routine is a hoary old cliche...but I really do seem to attract them like no-one else I know...
Ask my Samba band and they'll recount endless tales of our gigs in which a series of drunken elderly women spontaneously begin lewd dancing in front of me, and try to interfere with my drumsticks while I am playing.
But hey, in the midst of all this I think I came up with some funny new ideas, and if you want to hear them you should come along to The Stand in Edinburgh this Monday, December 4th at 8.30pm

29/11/2006 Laugh? I nearly...

In news coverage of the Pope's controversial visit to Turkey, a placard held by a demonstrator was translated as "Stop The Wine Drinking Pope!"...
Well, it made me laugh...
I also received a funny email from Cheesy McLoughlin.
In it he described how he was recently out shopping in sunny Middlesborough, and was taking his young son down an escalator in his pram.
Unfortunately, when they reached the bottom of the escalator, one of the pram wheels got jammed in the mechanism.
As Cheesy panicked and tried to remove the pram, he became submerged in an avalanche of old ladies falling over him, who were coming down on the escalator beind him.
He spent the next 20 minutes helping the tidal wave of old ladies back on their feet,
(no-one was injured)...
He went on to mention that only one person failed to see the inherent humour in this incident...
There is always one, isn't there?
I meant to mention Tom, who came along to see my Blackfriars gig, and as usual put a curse on my performance...
Seeing Tom at a gig is like having an out-of-body experience during an operation and spotting the Grim Reaper twiddling his thumbs in the hospital corridor.
Not very reassuring...
Anyway, Tom is back sailing his boat in Scotland as he crashed his other boat in the Thames and was "re-assigned" in the immediate aftermath....
Anyone who knows Tom will be relatively unsurprised by this turn of events...
I have this recurring nightmare where I board a plane and just as we are about to take off...the intercom crackles on, and the pilot gives his cosy pre-flight chat...and I immediately recognise the voice as the distinctive dulcet tone of Tom.
I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat dreaming about this.
I've been zipping around the Pentlands as I try to get in better shape, following the Portugal "video nasty".
I walked past a jogger today...
He'd stopped and had begun to do a long series of press ups as I approached him.
My first thought was whether this was some strange cruising gesture?
Anyway, feeling a bit fitter and less bulbous than I did this time last week.

27/11/2006 A Game Of Two Halves

I had a poor gig at Blackfriars in Glasgow on Saturday night...
It would be a little harsh to say I completely died on my arse, but it wasn't that far from it.
What annoyed me more than anything was the fact I had a gut instinct before I went onstage, that the material I'd selected wasn't really right for the night.
However, rather than do anything about it and change things on the spot, I rigidly stuck to my game plan.
I was locked in the tram rails and carried on regardless, right over the edge of the cliff.
I should listen to myself more...
On the plus side, I was knocked out by how good the compere Susan Calman was.
She's been doing comedy roughly the same amount of time as me, but has made a staggering rise to prominence.
Just great on stage, brilliant at interacting with the audience and had them eating out of her hand effortlessly. A true pro. You will be hearing a lot more of her, dats for sure.
The comedy phenomenum that is Janey Godley was headlining, and she was great as well.
I have to say I don't really like the new, renovated Blackfriars basement.
It used to be a great, dark, dingy comedy den...but is now a pristine, refurbished and very anonymous venue lacking in any character.
Mind you, I'm not making excuses, like....!
By the time I got back to Edinburgh, I was tired, soaked and pissed off...
The last train back from Glasgow on a Saturday night was full of drunken, shouty bozos, and it seemed a long, long journey to get back home.
On Sunday night I had a gig at The Stand in Edinburgh.
I chopped and changed a few things and ended up having one of the best gigs I've ever had there...
It's a funny old game...
It was just a short set, so I'm not getting the cigars out, but there's nothing better in Comedyworld than immediately following up a stinker of a gig with a really good one.
I felt at peace with the world again...!
And, the online gambling has hit a purple patch in the last week...my disastrous run is over (for the time being)...
Chelsea's equaliser yesterday set the seal on a profitable week...
I also saw Ian Cognito for the first time on Friday. Great confrontational and hilarious stuff.
As the evening began on Friday, the compere spotted me in the audience and announced to a packed Stand..."..and there's Jim Park and his failed comedy career..!!!" Ha Ha!
But anyway, there's no such thing as bad publicity!
Is there...?

22/11/2006 Bye Bob!

I was sorry to hear of the death of Robert Altman. I loved his films. MASH, The Player, Short Cuts, Gosford Park...great stuff...and all very original with no sign of any Hollywood formulaic shite...
However, on watching various news reports, I again became a Grumpy Old Man shouting inanely at the box.
There seemed a ridicluous amount of attention paid to the fact that he never won an Oscar for "Best Director"...Who gives a toss? (he did eventually get the "Lifetime Achievement Oscar" instead).
I'm not interested in who wins a stupid fucking Oscar.
It's just a Hollywood PR product...who cares what "The Academy" thinks? Who are they?
It was one news report after another droning on about how "Altman was nominated 5 times but never won" bla bla bla
Just talk about his films and how great they were, ok?
To put it all in perspective, Alfred Hitchcock, Brian De Palma, Fritz Lang, Spike Lee, George Lucas, Ridley Scott, David Lynch, Martin Scorsese and Cecil B DeBloodyMille to name a few, have not won one solitary "Best Director" Oscar between them.
However, Oliver Stone has won this "coveted" award twice.
I rest my case...
I'd rather suck Archie McPherson's big toe for 2 hours than sit through an Oliver Stone film.
I was cheering on Celtic last night against Man Utd...age definitely is mellowing me...My Grandpa will be spinning in his grave...
I always enjoy seeing Fergie getting pissed off..compelling television...
The other interesting news of the day was the discovery that my business associate Mr David Bann has been placed at No. 18 in last weekend's "Scotland On Sunday 50 Most Eligible Men". He mentions that his "ideal date" would be Kate Winslett...! Hmmmm....
My jealously was offset by the realisation that at No. 17 was Richard "I don't believe it" Wilson...
Still, there's no such thing as bad publicity, and I daresay a host of women will now descend upon Bann's restaurant desperate to get a glimpse of the sex god himself...!!! :-)

21/11/2006 Shocking!

I had a really good gig at The Stand last night...although it started badly...!
I made a 9/11 gag about my predeliction to take out a newspaper dated 12th September 2001 to read on buses in an effort to cause alarm amongst the other passengers.
This usually gets a decent laugh...however last night it was greeted with total silence only broken by a female American voice saying "That is NOT funny!".
Thankfully, I recovered from this situation and the rest of the set was generally well received...
I never really set out to offend people and don't take any great pleasure from doing so.
I like to choose potentially explosive subjects to talk about, but I try to take such an idiotic angle on them that it would be difficult for anyone to be really genuinely offended.
The guy on before me was a dead ringer for Uncle Fester of The Munsters, and from what I gather, his material was extremely dark and uncomfortable (although the comedian community still thought he was very funny)...so I think the audience were maybe still slightly freaked out when I came on to lighten the mood with my jolly 9/11 material.
In the past few weeks I've had many conversations with aquaintances about that "Pelican eating a pigeon" incident...
It really has been a big talking point...
And in spite of Nuclear tests in North Korea, continuing unrest in Iraq, US congressional mid-term elections etc etc people are still talking about it.
It leads me to speculate that if this Pelican incident happened on the same day as 9/11, then TV newsdesks would be in a real quandary as to what story to lead with...
"A Pelican??? ate a goddamn pigeon??? we have footage?? hmmmm"
The real shocking element of this Pelican incident is the fact that the pigeon was completely comfortable to be in the same general area, and seemed completely relaxed before being summarily swallowed by the bigger bird...
Just goes to show, it's maybe not a good idea to hang out with a different species with a mouth big enough to fully accomodate you, if you know what I mean...
If only Dick Dastardly had enlisted the services of a Pelican, the pigeon may well have been stopped (it would have been particularly gratifying to witness this just as he was blowing his stupid little trumpet)....
Anyway, I'm sure the Pelican would have been a more effective cohort than the idiotic "Klunk" with his complete reliance on ultimately ineffective,over-elaborate inventions...
Just a thought...

20/11/2006 A Packed Weekend

Are you ready to Rock????




Well, an action packed weekend that was...
It was Ted The Cat's birthday! (although I only became aware of this when my neighbours texted him a birthday greeting. I am an unfit parent, obviously guilty of neglect. Shame on me...)
I visited Mitch and Jo and their very amusing sons Jem and Finn...
At one point I was laughing at a hilarious television programme involving a collection of fat middle-aged British people fooling about on a beach.
I was then shocked to realise that one of them (and certainly the worst offender in the aesthetic stakes), was in fact me and that what I was watching was a video of our holiday this year in Portugal...
Shocking....!
Although it was incontrovertibly me, I didn't recognise myself...perhaps some Japanese Sumo Comedian was acting out a crude caricature of myself and had sneakily arranged to have it filmed on exactly the same location where I spent my holiday?
It would have been quite easy to secretly record a conversation with me, then use the vocal samples to put together artificial conversations, making it appear that this fat imposter was in fact Jim.
In the unlikely event that it actually was me, I'm comforted by the knowledge that when you're filmed on video, the process makes you look 2 stones heavier on screen...
Ask anyone who works on television, and they'll readily agree with me...
Needless to say, since I watched this video, I haven't eaten much and have been out for 2 long jogs...!
I went to see the "be Good Tanyas" at the Usher Hall on Saturday....
Now, they've got a great sound and are obviously very talented, BUT their audience interaction skills are dreadful, dreadful, dreadful....
If you're going to do a show at a big cavernous venue like this, you really need to make a little more of an effort to engage with the punters...
They gave the impression they'd each downed a fistful of valium tablets before they shuffled onto stage...
Buy the CD yes, but going to see them live adds absolutely nothing to the experience...
They were upstaged by the support act Kathryn Williams...
Great songs, but with lots of cheeky, endearing audience banter as well...

...and I finally got to see Borat yesterday...
A posse was organised to see the afternoon showing at the Cameo...
A painfully hilarious film to behold, and my chuckle muscle was well exercised...!
I don't go to the cinema all that much these days, but it reminded me how enjoyable it is to see a film with a few people then retire to a handy hostelry for a couple of swift pints...
You find that each person has their own different take on the film, and it's an entertaining banter vehicle..and a good way of spending a couple of hours on a shitty awful Sunday afternoon...

17/11/2006 Now Hear This

If anyone is really, really stuck for anything to do, I'll be appearing at The Stand this Monday (November 20th), also Nov 26th, Dec 4th & Dec 17th...
mostly new stuff...yes, really...honest guv!

Furthermore, I will be co-running a new comedy night at The Holyrood Tavern on Wednesday nights (weekly), with the grand opening extravaganza scheduled for Wednesday 29th November...so do come along to that as well...you know it makes sense.

The current weather is definitely sponsored by "The Samaritans", isn't it?
Jesus, it's been a grim few days...particularly since I've been sidelined with the bug what I had...
I'm better now, but it seemed at times like my whole body was full of snot...
In the past couple of days, as a conservative estimate, I'd say I could have filled an Olympic Swimming pool...
Today, I think I've finally got over it...hurray...it's been nasty!
Oh, and happy 30th Birthday Mr Mac Star...comedy promoter and talent spotter...!!!

15/11/2006 Poets Day

..that is what we used to refer to Friday as in the days when I used to "work" for a living....
It means "Piss Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday"...
This, as I'm sure you all know, is an example of an acrostic phrase.
At John Hegley's show last night, there was an acrostic competition with a JH CD as a prize.
The winner was "Let's Enjoy Incense, Tea and Heroin" (LEITH)
The previous night's winner in Glasgow was "Only Boats And Numpties" (OBAN)...
I thought they were very good...I didn't do one because I didn't have a piece of paper or a pen. I couldn't really think of one anyway, so I'm not making excuses.
JH was in top form as per usual...his set is always very loose and relaxed.
It's nice to be in The Stand and not have to worry about getting your head bitten off...
In fact, he was so unthreatening that Martin Evans was comfortable sitting in the front row for the second half of the show.
It is difficult for me to overstate what an outstanding achievement this was for JH.
He has conquered K2 by pogostick then swum the Pacific by doggy paddling, in the same afternoon.
I talked to him after the show, and as is usually the case when I meet any of my heroes, felt I had come across as a bit of a twat.
I mentioned something about not hearing a "fuck" on stage all night, but then immediately thought this made me sound like Mary Whitehouse's nephew congratulating him on his clean and wholesome stage show.
I then made matters worse by saying "not that I've got anything against bad langauage per se"....now that was a really wanky phrase to come out with, wasn't it...
This is a bit like the expression like "I'm not a racist, but..." which you often hear as an opening gambit on talk radio shows...
It usually means "yes, I am a racist"...whereas my comment signified "yes, I am a twat".
In a departure from the usual format at The Stand, a band played a short set in the middle of the show.
They were "Preston Pfanz and the Seaton Sands"...
I can't remember when I last enjoyed a live band as much.
They are a beat, surf type combo..."suited and booted", and play a selection of original and cover instrumentals...
They look completely convincing, and augment their music with some very entertaining Shadows-esque choreography...
If I was having a party and needed a band I would book them...just brilliant...
And any band who have a track called "Last Night At Brattisani's" is ok in my book.

When I was recently travelling aboot, I read Richard E Grant's book "The Wah Wah Diaries".
It's about the process of him making a film about his childhood in Swaziland in the last days of its colonial rule by Britain.
I'm a bit of a slow reader, and have to confess to starting many books and never quite making it to the end.
The problem is if you leave too long a gap between reads, you find yourself reading lines from characters that you've completely forgotten about...and can't place them in the plot.
Anyway, unusually for me, I read this book cover to cover in a day...
If you've got any interest at all in the the film industry and exactly what is involved in taking an idea and (eventually) getting a film made, then you must read this...plus Grant is a very funny, sardonic writer.

09/11/2006 Spanish Flew

I was as fit as a flea when I clambered onto the Easyjet plane at Madrid Airport.
However, by the time I arrived in Liverpool I was coughing and sneezing and felt terrible...
I could actually feel the germs getting a hold of me during the flight. Such is the wonder of recycled air on planes.
4 days later I still feel like shit...grrrrrr....
Anyway, had a great time in Spain...
I worked for a few days out in the country speaking to Spanish people as part of an intensive English course they were taking.
All the people I was working with were warm, generous, intelligent attractive people and I found it an immensely enriching experience.
The fact that I know they are likely to read this Blog at some point has had no influence whatsoever in my reporting of this experience, and anyone who says otherwise is clearly lying.
It's surprisingly tiring having to speak for hours on end without any breaks...even if my English is reasonably competent.
I also took great delight in doing my stand-up routine to a sea of uncomprehending expressions, murdered "Maggie May" at a Karaoke evening, and put together some improv sketches to remind me of how bad an actor I am....mercilessly hamming everything up beyond tolerable levels.
I also spent a couple of days in Toledo.
I caused a not insignificant amount of laughter amongst my Spanish friends when I asked if a prominent statue in Toledo was that of General Franco.
(I was not being stupid as I knew that Toledo was a Nationalist stronghold during the Spanish Civil War and was the scene of a number of pivotal battles. Therefore, it did not seem unreasonable that there might be some momento to the Generalissimo)
However, it turned out to be a statue of "Don Quixote".
As I later pointed out to them, it was a stupid mistake, as everyone knows that Quixote fought for the Republicans...
Bored, during my illness, I was rummaging about and found a poster for a practical joke company I founded in the 80s called "Rent-A-Laugh".
Sadly, no longer trading, the content of the poster which caused me to giggle were the advertised working hours of the company. 12pm - 5pm.
The late start spoke volumes of the then lifestyle of the "company directors" involved in the running of this business enterprise.