The 40 weekdays from Ash Wednesday until Easter is traditionally observed by Christians as a season of fasting and penitence in preparation for Easter. Generally, people use this time to give up things like alcohol and chocolate.
My personal interpretation of this ritual has been somewhat unconventional.
Rather than abstain from something I enjoy, I've used the past 40 days to indulge in a tribute to one of my favourite actors, Robert De Niro.
As an act of appreciation of his unique talent, I have painstakingly recreated his preparation for his role of the older, fatter Jake La Motta in his acclaimed film "Raging Bull", in which he intentionally gained 50 lbs over a short period of time, mainly by eating bathtubs full of pasta.
My technique has involved drinking copious quantities of wine and eating out at every available opportunity, consequently piling on the weight needed to produce an accurate personification of Jake's tragic physical decline.
This has been made easier to achieve due to my kitchen being a bomb site for the past 5 weeks...but that's another story.
But now Lent is over and it is time to once again become a honed athlete.
I haven't had a game of football for more than 2 months....
I intend playing tonight. This should be interesting...
I always console myself with the knowledge that "form is temporary, class is permanent" in light of any unflattering remarks which may or may not be made about my physical condition.
I haven't smoked for 3 months...so that's a positive....
The "no smoking" regime definitely does set your appetite into overdrive though.
Now that Lent is over, I'm about to begin a tribute to the acclaimed Scottish actor Ewan MacGregor.
I'm going to recreate the drastic weight loss he underwent as preparation for his role in the ok-but-to-be-honest-horribly-overrated film of Irvine Welsh's epic book of the same name, "Trainspotting".
He was told to lose a lot of weight to more accurately portray the amaciated look of your common or garden heroin addict.
If the shops are open today, I may nick down to Princes Street and do a spot of deliberately clumsy shoplifting and encourage the security guards to chase me along Princes St to the backing of Iggy Pop's "Lust for Life".
That should get the ball rolling and get rid of a few pounds...
My lawyer should be able to dissuade the judge from issuing a custodial sentence on the basis that I'm just trying to get healthier and be less of a burden on the welfare state in my dotage.
I'll mention cryptically in my plea of mitigation that I "chose not to choose life...I chose something else!".
I'm not going to get addicted to heroin though during this process.
I'm not that stupid.
I'm already trying to cope with a chronic addiction to balsamic vinegar flavoured kettle crisps.
That's worse than heroin addiction anyway...and there's no "kettle crisps" chic glamour angle whereby you could have a film made about you and possibly make some money out of your addiction misery.
