27/11/07 New Joke Of The Day

I was shocked to hear that Fife's "Deep Sea World" may be closing down....!

Apparently it's not fit for porpoise...

aye thang u....

26/11/07 There Ain't No Sanity Clause

I was through at The Stand in Glasgow last night doing Michael Redmond's Sunday Show.
It was surprisingly jammed for a Sunday night.
I was down for the traditionally tricky opening slot.
I paid close attention to the comedy rule book , starting and finishing very strongly.
However, there was a definite mid-set sag where they all went a bit quiet.
I was pretty happy overall though...I've seen a lot of comedians miles better than I'll ever be really struggle with that "tricky opening slot"...
I got home to discover that the Marx Brothers' "Night At The Opera" was on TV.
Knackered as I was, I found it impossible to switch it off and head to my scratcher.
I love that film.
I remember watching it as a small child and being knocked out by it.
I remember coming to the following conclusions after that initial viewing ;
1. Harpo Marx is the funniest man in the world
2. Harpo Marx is the greatest harpist in the world
3. Chico Marx was technically the world's greatest pianist
4. I didn't understand Groucho at all and didn't find him funny
5. Singing songs interrupt the flow of jokes and should be discouraged
The bit that still reduces me to helpless giggles is when Chico and Harpo substitute the orchestra's opera scores with that for the popular song "Take Me Out To The Ball Park".
For some reason I started thinking of other random beliefs I had as a child which have been subsequently disproved.
(of course, now I LOVE Groucho Marx...and I now realise that Beethoven was probably a better player than Chico..even if he couldn't do all of Chico's little tricks)
I remember reading an article in a serious magazine about The Titanic when I was a kid.
This article was advancing the theory that all the passengers who went down with the ship to the bottom of the sea would be perfectly preserved as there was no light or oxygen at that depth of the ocean.
Therefore no decomposition would occurand everything would be eerily preserved for ever.
I was fascinated by this, and had visions of upper-class passengers sitting at a dinner table in posh dresses and dinner suits, perfectly preserved at the bottom of the Atlantic.
The probability that they had probably left the dinner table to go for a good panic before the ship sank never really occurred to me.
I was somewhat disappointed when this interesting theory turned out to be a load of old cock.
I also believed that all grown-ups were smart and responsible, and that being an arse was something you grew out of as soon as you reached adult maturity.
Ha Ha!

25/11/07 Gigging in Fife

I was a bit apprehensive about how I would be received in Burntisland, but was pleasantly surprised to have a great gig.
Taking the piss out of the compere, (ie using the old favourite about thanking him for whipping the crowd up into a coma before I came onstage) and repetitively mispronouncing "Burntisland" as "Burntis-land" throughout my set were smart moves I think, and got the audience onside.
On Wikipedia, one of the interesting facts about Burntis-land is that it has no fewer than 5 hairdressers serving a population of just over 5000.
I contrasted this fact with the compere's "ridiculous haircut", (it wasn't really ridiculous but it was a good bit of comedy banter)
It was the first night of the "Mirth of Forth" Comedy Club, and the good people of Burntis-land seemed to enjoy the experience of having us "comedy missionaries" bringing the gift of laughter to one of our remote Scottish communities.
Patronising bastard....
But seriously, they were a great crowd and I wish Mr Rich Kidd and his new club a successful future.
I have succumbed to some kind of relapse of my recent brush with some flu-type virus and have been confined to quarters over the weekend.
This is unfortunate as I missed a big birthday party last night out at village of Temple.
I've noticed recently that I have something of a speech impediment when I'm buying items.
For example, when I buy a tea at work, I always say ;
"Eh...can I have a tea please?"
I'm working on getting rid of this unnecessary "Eh" but am finding it incredibly difficult.
Last week, I went up to order a tea, and concentrating really hard...said
"Can I have...eh...a cup of tea...Shit!"
The "shit" at the end was an involuntary response to realising that the "eh" had still managed to make its way into the phrase even though I had got the first part out ok.
The sales assistant probably assumed I was a Tourettes sufferer.
This might seem a very trivial matter but it really does my head in.
I find "ehs" and "umms" and all these kind of ticks really irritating in other people, and tell them so.
I think it's bad for stand-up as well.
If you start irritating the punters in ways other than purely being shit and unfunny, it's just not going to help overall...is it?

23/11/07 The End Of The Day

I wanted England to qualify or Euro 2008.
I've never felt comfortable aligning myself with the support-anybody-but-England Scottish mentality.
I wanted as many British teams as possible to qualify as I think we lend a random, interesting factor to the finals (even if our football is technically deficient), and often are involved in the most exciting, dramatic matches of the European and World finals .

However, they do make it hard for us to support the England team....
I've argued this till I'm blue in the face, but there is a major distinction between your attitude to "England" the nation, as opposed your attitude to the "England Football Team" and the idiotic media circus which accompanies it...

In the pre-match analysis on Wednesday, there was no single mention made of any particular Croatian player to watch out for, or any intelligent discussion on their strengths and weaknesses as a team.
It was just another manifestation of the outrageous arrogance and lack of respect for the opponents in their group.
In the aftermath of the match, the BBC led on the headline, "England are eliminated from Euro 2008, as they fail to qualify from a group which should have been a cakewalk".
I found that unbelievable....
Croatia and Russia are traditionally very strong footballing nations, and I fail to see how any group with them in it could be dismissed as "easy".
John Motson complimented the England fans on not booing the Croatian National Anthem when it was abundantly clear that a significant portion of the crowd were in fact booing the Croatian National Anthem.
This was also apparent from the expressions on the Croatian players' faces.

Having been the recipient of a large amount of texts from my dear English friends gloating after Saturday's elimination of Scotland, and England's lifeline presented to them by Russia...I
could not prevent myself dissolving into giggles at Croatia's first goal.
My other highlight's were Steve McClaren's ill-advised umbrella pose.
It was a study in helplessness, and ineffective management, which will haunt him for the rest of his days.
Then Terry Venables went through a range of expressions eerily reminiscent of Bob Hoskins in the closing scene of "The Long Good Friday" when he is driven away to his doom.
For Bob it was a bullet, for Terry it was a P45.
(Sounds like an implausible plotline for "The Likely Lads")
In the closing seconds, John Motson pleaded to Mark Lawrenson ("Lawro")...
"Mark....say something..!"
Lawro then replied simply "I can't..!"
It reminded me of Norville, when he replied through the medium of song to Keith Harris, that he doubted his ability to fly at a high altitude in the sky ; although it's fair to say Norville did sound a bit more macho.
I'd love to see Martin O'Neill being given a chance at the job, but I suspect he won't be interested any more.
I had a couple of lacklustre gigs at The Stand this week...
They went well enough, but after the highs of the weekend run it was a good exercise in eliminating any twattish over-confidence.
I have a gig at a new comedy night in Burntisland in Fife tonight.
It could be tricky...
I'm looking at it as a tricky away 3rd round FA Cup tie on a wet Monday night.
It needs a steady, confident performance to avoid any disasters.
More later...!

18/11/07 The Day After

It's Saturday night in Sauchiehall Street after the big match!


















I had a fairly downbeat attitude about the Scotland v Italy game.
If you'd offered me a draw before the game, I'd have snapped your hand off and let my hopes rest on serial-chokers France coming a cropper in the Ukraine on Wednesday.
I'd enforced a media blackout all week as the build-up was doing my head in bigtime.
Although I did unfortunately manage to catch a bit of Chick Young on Friday describing how the team had received a good luck message from Sean Connery.
Chick then went on to describe how he hoped this would "stir" the Scots and "shake" the Italians.
I don't think I've ever seen a news feature on Sean Connery without some journalist twat "cleverly" attempting a comic bastardisation of the "shaken, not stirred..." line.
Lazy, lazy, lazy....
Anyway, a host of local dignitaries gathered at Parko Towers to watch this spectacle.
Shortly before kickoff there was a loud bang, and a light bulb was fired out of a lamp in my living room like a mortar round, and it all went dark.
One of the strangest things I've ever seen.
There was a short, inconclusive debate on whether this represented a good omen in advance of the match.
Paul D. piped up before the match started and said "Imagine Italy scored in the first minute...!"
Italy then proceeded to score in the first minute...
The chances of Paul D. being invited back to view any upcoming World Cup qualification matches in my gaffe are roughly equivalent to that of San Marino going on to lift the trophy in South Africa in 2010.
(I'm joking of course...)
In terms of atmosphere in my flat, it was as if someone had stuck a knitting needle into a balloon.
It should have been 2-0, as Italy were wrongly given offside for a legitimate goal.
Then Scotland equalised with an offside goal.
Then Scotland had two glorious chances to take the lead and send the country into Dreamland.
I love the fact that people who are normally fairly quiet and reserved get so emotionally involved watching football ...shouting at the telly and getting caught up in it all.
Jim's living room was buzzing!
Then...in injury time...Italy scored...disaster for Scotland...
Now if one were to look at things rationally, you could say that there were three key decisions that the officials got wrong.
Italy scored a legitimate goal disallowed for offside, Scotland's goal should have been given offside, and there was the inexplicable free kick given against Hutton which led to Italy's winner.
So you could say that Scotland benefitted from 2 out of 3 of these.
However, it's still a hard one to take.
There will always be a percentage of wrong offside decisions given in football.
It's very easy to get one wrong...you just have to accept this.
However, in all the time I've watched football, I've never seen a more bizarre free-kick given.
The Scots player had the ball and he was barged off it by the incoming Italian who made no attempt to play the ball.
The freekick was awarded to Italy by the linesman (who had a perfect, unobstructed view of the incident).
So from being fairly downbeat about the match before kick-off, I'd inevitably got caught up in all the emotion and was left feeling flat as a pancake at the end.
I couldn't even get pissed as I was on-call from work.
I've got a gig at The Stand tonight as well...will people be ready to laugh?
(just getting my excuses in early...ha ha!)

15/11/07 Quick Plug!

Well...!
What a line-up!
That's all I can say....

13/07/07 Conspiracy

Well it seems a bit extreme doesn't it?
I mean someone in Italian football flagrantly bribing an policeman to shoot someone, thus ensuring that a load of Serie A matches get postponed, thus ensuring that the Italian players get an extra rest before the big match this weekend...
Well I'm pretty sure I could get Oliver Stone to agree with me.
I sincerely hope that the Scottish players are getting special psychological training this week in which "specially trained" interrogators spend 90 minutes at a time shouting in their faces various graphic insults relating to the sexual peccadilloes of their parents....
The main object of the exercise would be conditioning them not to react to this calculated provocation!
It is important they undergo this training to avoid "Doing A Zidane" on Saturday.
We can't afford to lose a player.
In fact it would be great to get a couple extra.

I was clearing out a load of junk last night and came across a diary I kept while I was at University.
It has to be said it was largely dull, but one entry jumped out at me.
It described what I made myself for tea one night.
The gourmet extravaganza consisted of a tin (yes ..."a TIN") of "Smedleys Sausage Rolls", followed by Strawberry Angel Delight.
No wonder I was never in a position to represent Britain in the Olympics, eating shite like that.
What was I thinking of?
Tinned sausage rolls?
I haven't seen them about lately...
Has the market for tinned sausage rolls imploded?
I find that very hard to believe...!
I'd like to see an episode of "Ready Steady Cook" in which one of the contestants shakes their plastic bag to reveal a tin of Smedleys Sausage Rolls, a box of Angel Delight, a small tin of Heinz Beans and Baconburgers and a jar of Piccalili...
Just to see Ainsley do his big surprised face thing...
Now there's a fucking challenge for you....make something nice out of that shit...!
It's funny thinking of the Martians taking the piss out of people peeling potatoes and boiling them, as they sat in their spaceship eating their Instant Mash...
We need new Martians to take the piss out of the old Martians...
Who eats Instant Mash these days?
Mind you, I always thought it tasted shit from day one.
The Smedleys Sausage Rolls meal represented me having a break from the fare on offer at the MacRobert Cafeteria at Stirling University.
It was grim as well.
We used to refer to the food there as "MacBobbie Jobbie".

11/11/07 Nice...!

There's nothing more boring than reading some self-fellating blog describing how everything is fine and dandy, with no traces of angst....
Damn!
Anyway, just had a fucking ridiculously enjoyable weekend at The Stand.
I had really great gigs and such a laugh with the other comedians and the good folk of The Stand .
The banter meter was way off the scale.
Part of me thinks I should retire now and quit on a high.
It was the best time I've had since I first shuffled nervously on stage.
I got a bit emotional as I wandered home pissed last night.
It'd been a rocking night and my thoughts turned to mulling on the fact it was also my Mum's birthday.
I'd like her to have seen the show, although I suspect she would have heartily disapproved of some of the subject areas of my routines.
Now all I need is for Scotland to beat Italy next week, and Xmas will have definitely arrived preposterously early.

09/11/07 BBC Scotland...I Salute You!

Ok, so Glasgow have won the race to host the 2014 Commonwealth Games...! woo hoo!
I'm not really a big fan of athletics and stuff like that, and probably won't be obsessively counting down the days till the opening ceremony in 7 years time.
However, as I watched the BBC's coverage of the build up to the announcement, I couldn't help but get caught up in a bit of the hype and excitement which was going on in Glasgow as they nervously awaited the verdict.
Can you imagine the coverage of the Coronation missing the bit where the Archbishop of Canterbury plonks the crown on the soon-to-be Queen Elizabeth's head?
Can you imagine watching a Football World Cup Final and not catching the moment when the winning captain holds the fabled Jules Rimet trophy aloft?
Or maybe fail to broadcast the crucial penalty in a penalty shoot-out?
There's also a porno analogy I could make, but this is a family Blog.
Well yes, the BBCs coverage spectacularly failed to show live the announcement that Glasgow had won.
We were shown some female reporter prattling away in a classroom of children who were shouting excitedly...nothing wrong with that in itself.
The camera then cut away to scenes of politicians hugging each other (most notably, Alex Salmond and Annabelle Goldie)...with the commentator hurriedly saying...
"...ehhh....and Glasgow has won!"
What a cock-up!
Probably the most inept piece of broadcasting I've ever witnessed in my life.

Good gig at The Stand last night!
It was great to meet a couple of comedy heroes of mine, Lucy Porter and Owen O'Neill.
Great pros and genuinely nice people.
Looking forward to the Friday and Saturday shows...it's going to be fun.

01/11/07 The Big B

So the Bacon roll is carcinogenic!
This is a complete disaster for carnivores...
It's like imagining Old King Carnivore leading his troops into battle against the Veggie Army, and suddenly and shockingly, having his head sheared off by a flying courgette.
The carnivores are routed and are sent homewards to think again...

The bacon roll has traditionally been the secret weapon of the meat eating community; used to tempt the vegetarian back into the fold...it's generally viewed as the culinary fare most likely to generate nostalgic longings in ex-meateaters...
But now, apparently, it gives you cancer...
That tends to take a little of the shine from its tasty veneer....
Not a good day for Denmark...
I'm looking forward to me and all my friends getting back to our 21 year old weights, (as advised by these clever medical research people)

One thing I've noticed being back at work is that people who use normal phones in the office...(that you pick up, and have a curly wire thing and that ) tend be ok... whereas, those who sit with one of these ear piece things on tend be annoying twats.
Something strange happens to people when they put these things on...
Rather than making a standard phone call in a lowered voice which is not too distracting...the earpiece wearers give the impression they are acting (badly) in a Shakespearian play and spend the whole bleeding day grievously hamming it up....
Awful!

30/10/07 Jim Park Is Unwell

Got a flu type thing at the moment...
It's grim, but I reckon I've passed the worst of it...
I've had 3 gigs since I last penned this web ting.
The first was at Heresy where I boldly decided to do 90% new material.
I was pleasantly surprised that a good chunk of my set went down really well.
The delivery was fairly shambolic, but I could tell that the audience had bought into the ideas and found them funny.
The bits that worked well were ;
the Beachy Head/"clay pigeon shooting" style centre ; "Paedophiles Do The Funniest Things" TV show pitch ; buying a book "Ventriloquism For Dummies" (it teaches you how to move your eyes from side to side with someone's arm up your arse) ; embarking on a relationship with a charred corpse (carbonised dating really works)

The bits that didn't work so well were a piece on the phenomenum of people always saying at the scene of a fire "it's like a scene from Dante's Inferno", and another piece based on the fact that it would be inappropriate to say "There's more fish in the sea" to a recently divorced Canadian fisherman based in Newfoundland in 1992 when the stocks of Atlantic Cod catastrophically collapsed, (need to say something else..."there's more snakes in the grass?" :-))
I thought today for quite a good tag on to the "Ventriloquism for Dummies" piece...
ie there's an enormous range of titles now available in this series, but I haven't been able to find one that could teach me "sign language".
The next gig was at the Antiquary Bar in Stockbridge...
I was compering.
I started off with a couple of "bullet proof" jokes and was somewhat surprised to see a large piece of tumbleweed roll past me.
You can just never presume anything in this game.
It turned out to be a great gig in the end as I eventually managed to get the audience onside by rejoicing in my crappiness as an MC.
I think my compering is improving, but I'm miles more comfortable being an act.
But hey I like a challenge and I'm determined to get better at this skill.
I've got great admiration for the people I know who excel at it.
We were all slightly apprehensive about the gig, as it was free, and in a bar on a Saturday night...but people generally listened attentively...and Keir McAllister, Iain Johnstone, Matrin McAllister and Ricky Callan were in searing form.
And The Antiquary want to have another one. hurray!
After the tumbleweed incident it was great to then have very strong gig at The Stand with the same jokes that got nothing getting laughter and rounds of applause.
C'est la vie!
I've got a weekend of gigs coming up at The Stand on 8/9/10th November.
I'm really looking forward to it.
It's been a long time since I've done a weekend...I've really missed it because it's great...and I know I'm much better prepared this time.

22/10/07 Rugby

The picture is of William Webb Ellis, who allegedly invented rugby by picking up a football and running with it...
Note to today's rugby big wigs....he RAN WITH THE BALL...!! he didn't spend 80 minutes kicking it up in the fucking air...
I don't think the current game would have caught on at all if this had been the original vision...
"So what we do is kick it up in the air, chase after it, then someone from the other team catches it, and we smash into them?"
"That doesn't sound very...um, ...beautiful?"
Bill McLaren used to exclaim "Oh and it's a garryowen!" once or twice in a game...now you get about 40 in a game...
Looks like we need a few rule changes in rugby union...it's all a bit too cautious and playing percentages...
I've been trying to think of existing sports which could spawn new sports by adopting the WWE principal of doing something outwith the rules in the course of a match.
I'd thought of playing a table tennis match, and in the 3rd game produce a large leg of ham and smash it down on the table causing my opponent to miss the ball?
(I'm a bit pissed)
I hosted yet another big sports watching evening in my flat with literally tens of people who didn't really like or understand rugby coming round to watch the final.
My brother showed up later on...
He'd just got the train up from Manchester.
He was complaining that he had to share the "quiet carriage" on the Virgin train with a pissed-up stag party, a tourettes sufferer and a baby who cried for most of the journey (the tourettes sufferer set the baby off every few minutes), and apparently everyone was barking into their mobile phones...
"Quiet carriage my arse!" as Gavin described it...
There's a band playing up at Henry's Cellar Bar this Wednesday called "Cot Death".
I thought I was fairly unshockable...but I gasped a little inwardly at this snappy name.
I'm hesitant about making future predictions, but I really can't see them being invited to do a set at the Royal Variety Show, or be given an opportunity to represent the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest, or have an animated series made about their cheeky exploits for Children's BBC...
It's just not going to happen...
Maybe this doesn't concern them....I don't know....but the thing is, I listened to a song on their Myspace page and they actually sound really, really good...!
If I was their manager, I'd suggest they chose a happier, more positive name...
like "Lung Cancer" or "Bereavement" or "Brain Tumour"?
(actually that would be a hell of a line-up of bands to have on a bill!)
But "Cot Death"?? nah...it ain't going to happen....in terms of commercial potential, it's on a par with a pitch to a TV company for a wacky new programme entitled "Paedophiles Do The Funniest Things!"...

Russell Brand takes a lot of pelters but I think he's a brilliant writer and I'd recommend you read his football column in the Guardian .

18/10/07 Swiss Miss?

Pete back at work...




Well, last time saw another massive gathering of friends and aquaintances at my humble gaffe to witness the latest installment of Scotland's epic Euro 2008 qualifying campaign.
It was painful viewing....a dull boring 2-nil...about as enjoyable as an ingrowing toe-nail (do you see what I did there?)
I had my fears though...
We'd lost our best players to injury, and I still maintained that in spite of Saturday's great result, the performance was overall a bit ropey...
I wish McLeish would relax a little...he always seems so stiff and uptight at his press conferences.
He has the relaxed demeanor of someone walking through customs at Istanbul Airport with 10kg of hash taped to his chest.
Will we beat Italy?
No....
Our best chance is probably to play for a draw and hope Ukraine beat France.
It's help if there was a blizzard and it was -30 degrees in Ukraine when they meet.
I once knew someone with dry hair who deliberately used a shampoo specifically designed for greasy hair.
I should have spotted the early signs of madness, but I just thought it was a one-off.
Other news...
I moved to a different desk in the office yesterday...
I now have more space and a better view.

14/10/08 Belief

...and James McFadden's goals!






I had a large chaotic barbecue yesterday to tie in with the crucial Scotland v The Ukraine match (I like the use of the definite article in country names...I think "The Scotland" would sound impressive...quite intimidating as well, indicating we are not a nation to be trifled with...(My Latin teacher at school, the legendary Miss Urquhart would repeatedly shriek at me "Jim Park! Stop trifling!"...ah, happy days!)
Another fantastic result, although I feel that the overall lacklustre performance is being glossed over somewhat.
There were extended periods of the game where we seemed completely incapable of retaining possession for more than 5 seconds.
It was stressful viewing, although not as bad as I had anticipated.
Everybody was able to relax when McFadden slammed the third goal in...
What a sublime first touch!
I managed to traumatise my 1 year old niece Kitty at this moment.
She was playing quietly beside me and was shocked to see me jump up in the air and shout "Get In There!" at the top of my voice.
She burst into tears and took 15 minutes to recover from her Uncle's inexplicable behaviour.
My friend Pete deigned to join us for the evening viewing of the France v England rugby match (obviously not one of my most productive days)...
Just as "God Save The Queen" was being lustily sung by the English team, Pete somehow managed to knock over a couple of folded chairs...they in turn caused a large hi-fi speaker to overturn, it crashed into a large standard lamp, knocking it over, and smashing the ornate glass lamp into pieces on the fireplace, and then caused speaker number 2 to fall over clunking over my newly opened bottle of beer and knocking a cup full of tea over onto the carpet.
The first 15 minutes of the match were spent clearing up the debris from this catastrophic natural disaster, (yes, I do mean you, Pete)
It was a good game, but with too much aimless kicking, and England probably just deserved to win.
England in the final. who would have predicted that?
At the end of the evening a disappointed French friend of mine noticed I had a box of fresh figs.
She said that a good fig should have the same physical characteristics in terms of size and texture, as a man's testicle...
I had to concede that there is indeed more than a slight similarity.
She said that in France, a fresh fig has great erotic connotations...there's the testicle thing, and there's also the fact that when you open it up, it does look uncannily like a vagina.
Anyway, I found all this very interesting, and I will never be able to look at a fresh fig in quite the same way ever again.
I've just ordered Dave's new album (aka Cloudland Blue Quartet)
You can get it here http://crispycat-recordings.blogspot.com/
Let's all buy it and get Dave into the charts...
If you live in the West of Edinburgh you might remember Dave as a former gang leader.
(he was a founding member of "The Corstorphine Massive")
I'm sure you'll all be relieved to hear that Northern Rock shares have made an extraordinary recovery in the past week and are almost back to what I paid for them.
But will I sell?
Of course not...let the reckless gambling stupidity continue!
I enjoy the roller-coaster excitement of it all.
It makes me feel more relaxed when I watch Scotland play football...Let's please beat Georgia on Wednesday as I dread going into a match having to beat Italy.
They are the world masters of closing down a game in which they only need a draw.

When the Rezillos finished last week we were told we had to leave promptly as a club was about to start in the same venue.
As the ragtag army of aged Rezillos fans shuffled out of the venue, a queue of fresh faced, attractive 18-21 year olds waited to get in.
I thought to myself that this was life in microcosm...
It might have been appropriate if the Rezillos audience were zapped in the head by a stun gun as they passed through the fake "exit" door, thus beginning the process where they would be transformed into tins of "Chappie" dog food, on the basis that this would be the only valuable contribution they would be deemed capable of, in terms of benefit to society.
I'm only joking of course.

08/10/07 The Good Old Days

I went to see The Rezillos in Edinburgh on Saturday night...
In days of old, I was a ever-so-slightly obsessive fan...pretty much stalker-esque..
It's great to see them still rocking the joint even though they must now be in their late 70s...
The other members of my entourage participated in an extended bout of pogoing, but sadly my football-addled knees prevent me from taking part in this high-impact activity.
I was content to stand with my hands in my cardigan pockets and sway slowly from side to side as I sucked on a Worthers Original.
I had a decent gig at The Stand in Glasgow last night in spite of the fact I was a little weary from my Rezillo antics the night before.
Because of the gig I was unable to watch Scotland get knocked out the World Cup by Argentina.
From what I gather it was a fairly forgettable game and Scotland paid the price for leaving it too late to throw caution to the wind and have a go.
I heard the last 15 minutes on the radio as I drove home.
Gavin Hasting was summarising.
Now Hastings was a fantastic, swashbuckling rugby player in his heyday, and he achieved great things on the field of play.
However, as a broadcaster, he comes across as monumentally dull.
He doesn't seem to have much of interest to contribute, but he takes a hell of a long time to say it..a lot of mealy-mouthed cliche-ridden drivel.
He had me shouting at the car radio to "shut-up!" as I drove back along the M8.
He used to be on the telly summarising, but seems to have lost that gig.
I remember he couldn't seem to keep his hands still when speaking and always looked like he was attempting an Al Jolson impersonation.
At one point he started going on about how the All Blacks shouldn't be allowed to do the Haka before the game, and called it an anachronism.
Bollocks...I love the Haka...it's a good bit of theatre.
He seemed to be implying it gives the All Blacks an unfair advantage...baloney!
I hope I don't sound like I'm being too critical here...
I have begun to giggle every time I see Rafael Benitez, the Liverpool manager.
He has what you might describe as slightly goggly eyes.
I was reading an article in which he was described as looking like "a haddock playing a trumpet"...
It's just such a funny image...oh it makes me larf!

02/10/07 Working For The Man (again)

I've had to rejoin the world of temporary employment again...
Well Xmas is coming, the goose is getting fat etc etc
Apparently Scottish people are getting extremely fat and we are now only outporked by the USA!
I think the Americans are pretty secure in the number 1 spot, so things are unlikely to get worse for Scotland...
But we shouldn't rest too easy because number 2 is still pretty bad!
Personally I blame my friend Dave and Michelle McManus for raising the national average weight to such a high level.
If they were to perhaps emigrate to the "number 3" country, our stats might improve and we might slip down the table a bit?
It's a difficult one though, because as well as being a very talented musician, Dave is one of my best and longest-standing friends, and I would miss him...
However, we have to put the nation's health first...
2007 had been a great year for my reckless gambles in the stock market; well it was until a couple of weeks ago when I decided to buy a shit lot of Northern Rock shares.
Imagine I live on the 50th floor of a skyscraper and someone has just thrown an anvil from a window of the 100th storey.
What I effectively did was lean out of my window and catch the anvil, then continue downwards towards the pavement, holding the said anvil, shouting and screaming in vain for help, as my heinous misjudgement heads towards its inevitable, catastrophic conclusion.
Not my smartest move....
I thought I'd called the bottom of the market but I hadn't ...
Bugger...
And being a capitalist twat I don't expect I'm going to get an enormous amount of sympathy.
I'm still cool though in spite of being a golf-playing capitalist twat, ok?
Sensing that everyone is about to move out of myspace, I've moved in...
I suppose it's quite useful to keep a note of upcoming gigs and stuff like that.
I've got 30 friends.
That's respectable, and probably enough really.
As long as you avoid single figures you're ok.
Mind you, no-one really looks at page 2 of your friends anyway do they?
In the same way 99% of people will just look at page 1 of a Google search.
The stand-up has been going pretty well lately, mustn't grumble...
I had this idea about setting up a "human" clay-pigeon-type shooting club at Beachy Head.
I figured that this would go some way to counter the soaring "gun crime" figures by encouraging the criminal gun toting types to join the Beachy Head club and use their guns in a positive way.
I just figured that there are so many people jumping off Beachy Head, that it would make sense to tie in a sport with it.
If you're going to jump, I presume you wouldn't mind getting shot at on the way down?
Anyway, as well as getting the gunmen off the street, the club could provide a welcome financial boost to the local economy.
I'm not sure whether this is funny or not.
Only one way to find out....

21/09/07 Chilly Isn't It?

I went to see "True North" yesterday...
The story concerns a Scottish Fishing crew, struggling financially, who decide to make extra cash by transporting a group of Chinese "Illegals" to the Scottish mainland.
A decent enough film, but a relentlessly bleak cinematic experience.
There's not much of a "feelgood factor" associated with this film...it's more of a
"feel-like-jumping-off-a-tall-building factor".
In terms of film comparison, "True North" makes "Deliverance" look like "Carry On Camping".
Probably not the best "first date" movie you could choose.
Also, I found some of the latter plot twists a tad implausible.
Have I sold this to you enough? Go see!
The couple of gigs I had this week at The Stand went really well.
I got a lot of nice audience feedback after the show, and Tommy, the Stand supremo, was positive about my act and said he particularly liked my "ring tone" joke.
I was on a bit of a high and quickly downed 4 pints, and was then pissed as a fart due to my current low alcohol tolerance level.
Embarassingly I thought I'd lost my mobile phone.
Rosie from The Stand helped me turn the dressing room upside down looking for it.
We gave up in the end, but as I walked out I found that the phone was actually in my jacket pocket.
(it was in a pocket on the arm which I thought was a different pocket when I put the phone in it, as it was lying on the settee)
If I'd been sober I would probably have just shut the fuck up and shuffled red-faced out of the building ;but being pissed, I said "Oh here it is!", and had to profusely apologise for being such an idiotic twat.

But anyway, no top politician has facial hair anymore do they?
Can you name me one current prominent politician who sports a tache or a beard?
I don't think I can.
This leads me to suspect that Robin Cook's death should possibly be investigated, as he may have refused a command from Downing Street to shave the beard off.
Does this tie in with the trend of trying to look younger than you actually are?
I'd say that a presidential candidate in America with a beard would have as much chance of winning as one quoted as saying that "they didn't believe in God".

16/09/07 Northern Rock

These are tough times for Northern Rock as all their account holders have panicked and are queueing up to withdraw their funds.
Hopefully, one of their directors who is due to be going off on his honeymoon will save the day and use his holiday funds to pay off all the worried clients.
I hope he has more luck than James Stewart in the film, and can persuade some people to take slightly less than they originally asked for, and be happy with enough to get by with until the situation calms down.
It always annoyed me that one particularly big miserable bastard wouldn't accept receiving a slightly reduced payout, even though it came from his friend, George Bailey's honeymoon cash. Some people....really...I don't know.
But don't get me wrong, there is nothing funny about people worrying about the security of their life savings, and I wouldn't seek to make light of it.
Mind you, I walked past the Northern Rock branch in Edinburgh yesterday, and there was a massive queue of people.
I was slightly tempted to walk in to the office then run out a couple of minutes later down the length of the queue shouting "There's no money left...!!!!it's all gone..! it's finished! finished! do you hear me? FINISHED..!!!!"
But that would have been in poor taste and highly irresponsible.
btw I'm on at The Stand in Edinburgh tonight and tomorrow night in case anyone wants to break into my flat.

13/06/07 Sacre Bleu!

So anyway, I jokingly said before we started to watch last night's France v Scotland match that "I would have a drink" if Scotland won...
So that's the end of my alcohol abstinence run...
I lasted 18 days altogether, and can now proudly take my place on the pantheon with
those who have abstained from alcohol in the 14-21 day bracket.
Unlike Louis Armstrong,I don't want to blow my own trumpet, but I still regard this as one of the outstanding achievements of my life, and have demonstrated to myself that I have extraordinary willpower. Yes, I know this is shite, but I'm in a jolly mood today.
Thankfully, I didn't say that I'd also have a cigarette if Scotland won...
The joyous nature of the evening was clouded slightly by my decision to briefly switch from Sky Sports 1 to Sky Sports 2 to check the score in the Czech Republic v Republic of Ireland game...
There was an injury stoppage in the Scotland game, so this seemed a reasonable course of action...
I also had a rather large wager that the Czechs would win, and wanted to monitor my investment...
I won, but it was at a heavy price...
I turned back to the Scotland game and we were shocked to see that the graphic in the top left hand corner of the screen was informing us that Scotland were leading one nil...
My delight at this news was tempered by the realisation that as a consequence of my inappropriate channel hopping, we had missed witnessing live possibly the most iconic, glorious fucking goal in the history of Scottish football.
My friend Grahame gave me a look of withering exasperated disappointment which he retained for the rest of the match...(and probably the rest of 2007 I suspect)
It was an expression I was very familiar with on various teachers' faces throughout my schooldays.
That it was all down to the evil of gambling makes this an important moral lesson which you should all take heed of.
Mind you, I could claim some credit for Scotland scoring that goal as I had obviously tempted fate by switching the channel thus giving God an absolute sitter of an opportunity to punish me for last week's cheery endorsement of "The God Delusion" book.

06/09/07 Life In The Betty Ford Clinic

So that's 12 days now off the booze and fags...stand up and applaud!
I've had a few congratulatory emails, although I can't help feeling there is an unmistakable trace of sarcasm present in them all...
Some people are just so darn difficult to impress!
Anyway, yesterday I was up Ben Lomond (the mountain)...
It was a nice day, but the top half of the mountain had been under cloud cover all day, and everyone I met coming down said it wasn't really worth going to the summit as there was no view, and it was pretty miserable up there.
I debated whether to go or not, but in the end thought I might as well, as psychologically it would be good for my (temporary) healthy lifestyle if I made it to the top.
Just as I arrived at the top, the sun broke through and all the cloud lifted.
I was the only person at the summit at the time. (it's usually like Piccadilly Circus up there)
It was probably the most amazing experience I've ever had in the Scottish mountains..as the view of Loch Lomond appeared out of the mist, and there were lots of little rainbows scattered all along the horizon.
Absolutely awe inspiring.
I'd just finished reading "The God Delusion", and felt a lot of resonance from the book as I surveyed the view.
There's a great quote by Douglas Adams at the start of the book ;
"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?"
I'm pretty much with Dawkins on all his arguments, but I can't quite bring myself to
become a card carrying "Atheist" (obviously I am frightened that God would dispprove of this).
Actually, for me, the most astonishing revelation in the book was reading that Swiss women only got the vote in 1971 !!
(Dawkings was describing how we evolve in terms of attitudes and politics, whereas religious fundamentalism is immoveable)
1971...!!! I found that a stunning statistic!
Also, I am not feeling sheepish any more about slagging off the comedian who ruined a
show I was at.
He is a twat and I let him off lightly, (see what I mean about the mood swings).

Today I went to see Lady Chatterley (the film).
Pretty good, although possibly an hour too long, and I found it slightly disconcerting that the gamekeeper (the lover) bore a disarming resemblance to football manager Sam Allardyce.