26/07/08 Not working for the man

My contract finished yesterday...yee ha!
It feels good to chill out and be a free man again, although I really should be spending all my spare time getting into a state of readiness for the upcoming Fringe.
A few folk in the comedy business have recently told me that I have improved a lot.
This is a good thing.
I've had quite a lot of gigs recently, most of which have gone well.
I did a full weekend for the first time in Glasgow last week ; the Thursday and Friday were great, but the Saturday night was a bit of a struggle.
Overall though, quite chipper about the old comedy thing.
I think I started getting better after I got a couple of duff reviews on this
comedy web site.
I remember at the time that my nose was fairly out of joint about the reviews; mainly because, by any objective analysis, I'd gone down really well (which was alluded to in the review).
Anyway,with hindsight, it was probably the best thing that's happened to my act, as it made me take a long, hard look at what I was doing, and led me to play around with the format a bit.
I'm not saying I'm amazing and wonderful though...just got a bit better, ok?
I was having a funny conversation yesterday with a work colleague regarding our experience with "tight gits" in our respective social circles.
I do know people who will always, always, always be last to get a round in any pub situation, and who are delighted if, due to licensing time restrictions, they are unable to get their full quota of rounds in at the bar.
I was trumped though by an outstanding tale of tightness.
My colleague was contacted by telephone by a friend and asked if he would mind looking after a bag of frozen peas of his by storing it in his freezer.
Why?
So that he could switch off his freezer and save the electricity, as he was going away on holiday for a week.
Now you could argue that he was being green.
But I'd say that was merely a by-product of the principal motive, which was undoubtedly tightness of the highest order.
That was a very funny tale.
Last year I wrote this about the death of a couple of friends of mine ; Harry Horse and his wife Mandy.
I was shocked to read some grim details emerge of the actual circumstances of their deaths in the media.
Later that day I had a gig on, and it felt very strange to witness one of the comedians go into a routine about Harry Horse and the circumstances of his death.
I didn't enjoy hearing a comedy routine about something so personal, but I did rationalise that I can't have it both ways.
If you're going to have the odd dark piece of material in your set, you have to take it on the chin when you hear material on a subject that you are a bit sensitive about.
It was a pretty good joke though, I observed objectively.

09/07/08 Crazy Horses

I was a bit apprehensive about last Thursday at The Stand as a deputation from my work were attending.
Luckily the gig went really well, so I avoided the awfulness of people at work on the following day sympathetically telling me "How brave" I was.
Don't ever say that to a comedian.
It is taken as a euphemism for "You are shite, but you deserve slight credit for your misguided pluck"
I had actually brought a gun with me in case anyone tried this, but thankfully it remained in my desk for the duration, and I forfeited my opportunity to be the main story on "Scotland Today".
I'd say the work crew were split 50/50 between those that liked it and those that didn't, (I'm taking a "no comment" as a negative).
That's quite respectable I think.
The main talking point of the evening though was the mass walkout of a group of 20 American Mormons during Keir McAllister's opening set.
The fact that they were occupying the front 2 rows made things even more dramatic.
I think it was the C word which most upset them, as well as Keir's description of Mormonism as being a "crazy, fucked-up religion".
Now this was all undoubtedly hilarious, and I laughed as much as anyone, but I can't help feeling just a little sorry for them as they seemed like a cheery bunch initially.
A bit naive to sit right at the front though...and I can only assume that they weren't familiar with the rough and tumble of a comedy club, and the range of subject matters likely to arise.
I'll never know what they would have thought of my set, but there you go.
Talking of the C word, Alan Bennet's brilliant book "Untold Stories" has had me cackling with laughter this week.
In one passage he refers to the film "The Madness of King George III", in connection with the death of the Earl of Pembroke.
He'd written to Bennett about the character in the film, Lady Pembroke.
She was "a lady of mature years to whom in his derangement George III takes a fancy".
Apparently the King became incensed at how Lady Pembroke was treated by her husband, and questioned him about it.
He replied: "Sire, if you had a wife whose cunt was as cold as a greyhound's nostril, you would have done the same."
Very funny, and it's difficult to think of any other word which would work as well in that line.
Had a fairly crap gig last night in Glasgow.
The compere didn't have a great night, and the whole evening was incredibly low-energy.
It was strange...the venue was sold out yet it felt really quiet.
Not that I'm making excuses or anything.
Disappointingly, a good few of my highly-respected Scottish comic peers were in attendance to witness my lacklustre performance.
Cunts.
Come to one of my good nights, why don't you?
This week I was also startled to see an ex-girlfriend's brother conducting the the "Brighton Gay Male Choir" on the "Richard and Judy show".
Good stuff...
And now I feel morally obliged to watch the "Last Choir Standing" series on BBC1 (they are in it).

04/07/08 Viva Espana!

"It's magic if you come from Madrid, it's beautiful if you come from Barcelona, it's a vindication if you come from Valencia or Villarreal and it's lovely if you come from Liverpool."
Well, that was John Motson’s prepared line which he made in the event of Spain winning Euro 2008.
Not quite “They think it’s all over… It is now!” is it?
I don’t think it will still be quoted wistfully in 40 years time.
In fact most people will have forgotten about it by this time next week.
The “lovely Liverpool” line will probably be remembered ; but not in a good way.
In response I’d say “It’s shite if you come from Sidcup, it’s bollocks if you come from Bolton and it’s fucked if you come from Farnborough.
There you go…that’s just as clever as his one, and I’m not even a professional commentator.
Other than that, his ridiculous, theatrical pronounciation of “Schwein-steiger!” did have me giggling, as well as the Barry White style delivery of the German coach’s name “Loew” which he pronounced “L-o-v-e”…
As finals go, last night’s match was pretty good.
A lot of quality football on show, with both sides prepared to have a go at each other.
It’s a shame it was disfigured as a spectacle by the woeful commentary of Messrs Motson & Lawrenson.
Motty should have gone a while ago.
He has clearly lost a lot of sharpness, and seems permanently confused.
His reactions seem about a half a second behind everyone elses’..
Lawrenson’s style owes much to Stuart Hall’s “penguin” commentary on “It’s A Knockout”, and does nothing to enhance viewers’ understanding of the game.
His continual scoffing at “The Germans”, as he disdainfully referred to them throughout the match, was tedious and cringeworthy.
I never want to hear his whining voice again.
The two Alans, Messrs Hansen and Shearer were equally annoying.
“I couldn’t believe that Aragones took off Torres!” piped up Hansen.
This has been a constant tactic of the Spanish coach Aragones throughout the tournament, ie play Torres for the first 70 minutes to give the opposing defence the runaround, as he hangs on the defenders shoulders, constantly making runs ; then put on Villa in place of him, he being more of a penalty-box finisher who will likely thrive against a tiring defence.
It’s lazy, lazy punditry and I’d love to see how much these buffoons cream off the BBC for their efforts.
The only pundits who emerged with any credit were Martin O’Neill and Gordon Strachan.
Ray Stubbs’ and Marcel Desailly’s regular “Abbott & Costello” tribute act was vaguely entertaining, but offered nothing in the way of insight into anything in particular.