30/10/07 Jim Park Is Unwell

Got a flu type thing at the moment...
It's grim, but I reckon I've passed the worst of it...
I've had 3 gigs since I last penned this web ting.
The first was at Heresy where I boldly decided to do 90% new material.
I was pleasantly surprised that a good chunk of my set went down really well.
The delivery was fairly shambolic, but I could tell that the audience had bought into the ideas and found them funny.
The bits that worked well were ;
the Beachy Head/"clay pigeon shooting" style centre ; "Paedophiles Do The Funniest Things" TV show pitch ; buying a book "Ventriloquism For Dummies" (it teaches you how to move your eyes from side to side with someone's arm up your arse) ; embarking on a relationship with a charred corpse (carbonised dating really works)

The bits that didn't work so well were a piece on the phenomenum of people always saying at the scene of a fire "it's like a scene from Dante's Inferno", and another piece based on the fact that it would be inappropriate to say "There's more fish in the sea" to a recently divorced Canadian fisherman based in Newfoundland in 1992 when the stocks of Atlantic Cod catastrophically collapsed, (need to say something else..."there's more snakes in the grass?" :-))
I thought today for quite a good tag on to the "Ventriloquism for Dummies" piece...
ie there's an enormous range of titles now available in this series, but I haven't been able to find one that could teach me "sign language".
The next gig was at the Antiquary Bar in Stockbridge...
I was compering.
I started off with a couple of "bullet proof" jokes and was somewhat surprised to see a large piece of tumbleweed roll past me.
You can just never presume anything in this game.
It turned out to be a great gig in the end as I eventually managed to get the audience onside by rejoicing in my crappiness as an MC.
I think my compering is improving, but I'm miles more comfortable being an act.
But hey I like a challenge and I'm determined to get better at this skill.
I've got great admiration for the people I know who excel at it.
We were all slightly apprehensive about the gig, as it was free, and in a bar on a Saturday night...but people generally listened attentively...and Keir McAllister, Iain Johnstone, Matrin McAllister and Ricky Callan were in searing form.
And The Antiquary want to have another one. hurray!
After the tumbleweed incident it was great to then have very strong gig at The Stand with the same jokes that got nothing getting laughter and rounds of applause.
C'est la vie!
I've got a weekend of gigs coming up at The Stand on 8/9/10th November.
I'm really looking forward to it.
It's been a long time since I've done a weekend...I've really missed it because it's great...and I know I'm much better prepared this time.

22/10/07 Rugby

The picture is of William Webb Ellis, who allegedly invented rugby by picking up a football and running with it...
Note to today's rugby big wigs....he RAN WITH THE BALL...!! he didn't spend 80 minutes kicking it up in the fucking air...
I don't think the current game would have caught on at all if this had been the original vision...
"So what we do is kick it up in the air, chase after it, then someone from the other team catches it, and we smash into them?"
"That doesn't sound very...um, ...beautiful?"
Bill McLaren used to exclaim "Oh and it's a garryowen!" once or twice in a game...now you get about 40 in a game...
Looks like we need a few rule changes in rugby union...it's all a bit too cautious and playing percentages...
I've been trying to think of existing sports which could spawn new sports by adopting the WWE principal of doing something outwith the rules in the course of a match.
I'd thought of playing a table tennis match, and in the 3rd game produce a large leg of ham and smash it down on the table causing my opponent to miss the ball?
(I'm a bit pissed)
I hosted yet another big sports watching evening in my flat with literally tens of people who didn't really like or understand rugby coming round to watch the final.
My brother showed up later on...
He'd just got the train up from Manchester.
He was complaining that he had to share the "quiet carriage" on the Virgin train with a pissed-up stag party, a tourettes sufferer and a baby who cried for most of the journey (the tourettes sufferer set the baby off every few minutes), and apparently everyone was barking into their mobile phones...
"Quiet carriage my arse!" as Gavin described it...
There's a band playing up at Henry's Cellar Bar this Wednesday called "Cot Death".
I thought I was fairly unshockable...but I gasped a little inwardly at this snappy name.
I'm hesitant about making future predictions, but I really can't see them being invited to do a set at the Royal Variety Show, or be given an opportunity to represent the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest, or have an animated series made about their cheeky exploits for Children's BBC...
It's just not going to happen...
Maybe this doesn't concern them....I don't know....but the thing is, I listened to a song on their Myspace page and they actually sound really, really good...!
If I was their manager, I'd suggest they chose a happier, more positive name...
like "Lung Cancer" or "Bereavement" or "Brain Tumour"?
(actually that would be a hell of a line-up of bands to have on a bill!)
But "Cot Death"?? nah...it ain't going to happen....in terms of commercial potential, it's on a par with a pitch to a TV company for a wacky new programme entitled "Paedophiles Do The Funniest Things!"...

Russell Brand takes a lot of pelters but I think he's a brilliant writer and I'd recommend you read his football column in the Guardian .

18/10/07 Swiss Miss?

Pete back at work...




Well, last time saw another massive gathering of friends and aquaintances at my humble gaffe to witness the latest installment of Scotland's epic Euro 2008 qualifying campaign.
It was painful viewing....a dull boring 2-nil...about as enjoyable as an ingrowing toe-nail (do you see what I did there?)
I had my fears though...
We'd lost our best players to injury, and I still maintained that in spite of Saturday's great result, the performance was overall a bit ropey...
I wish McLeish would relax a little...he always seems so stiff and uptight at his press conferences.
He has the relaxed demeanor of someone walking through customs at Istanbul Airport with 10kg of hash taped to his chest.
Will we beat Italy?
No....
Our best chance is probably to play for a draw and hope Ukraine beat France.
It's help if there was a blizzard and it was -30 degrees in Ukraine when they meet.
I once knew someone with dry hair who deliberately used a shampoo specifically designed for greasy hair.
I should have spotted the early signs of madness, but I just thought it was a one-off.
Other news...
I moved to a different desk in the office yesterday...
I now have more space and a better view.

14/10/08 Belief

...and James McFadden's goals!






I had a large chaotic barbecue yesterday to tie in with the crucial Scotland v The Ukraine match (I like the use of the definite article in country names...I think "The Scotland" would sound impressive...quite intimidating as well, indicating we are not a nation to be trifled with...(My Latin teacher at school, the legendary Miss Urquhart would repeatedly shriek at me "Jim Park! Stop trifling!"...ah, happy days!)
Another fantastic result, although I feel that the overall lacklustre performance is being glossed over somewhat.
There were extended periods of the game where we seemed completely incapable of retaining possession for more than 5 seconds.
It was stressful viewing, although not as bad as I had anticipated.
Everybody was able to relax when McFadden slammed the third goal in...
What a sublime first touch!
I managed to traumatise my 1 year old niece Kitty at this moment.
She was playing quietly beside me and was shocked to see me jump up in the air and shout "Get In There!" at the top of my voice.
She burst into tears and took 15 minutes to recover from her Uncle's inexplicable behaviour.
My friend Pete deigned to join us for the evening viewing of the France v England rugby match (obviously not one of my most productive days)...
Just as "God Save The Queen" was being lustily sung by the English team, Pete somehow managed to knock over a couple of folded chairs...they in turn caused a large hi-fi speaker to overturn, it crashed into a large standard lamp, knocking it over, and smashing the ornate glass lamp into pieces on the fireplace, and then caused speaker number 2 to fall over clunking over my newly opened bottle of beer and knocking a cup full of tea over onto the carpet.
The first 15 minutes of the match were spent clearing up the debris from this catastrophic natural disaster, (yes, I do mean you, Pete)
It was a good game, but with too much aimless kicking, and England probably just deserved to win.
England in the final. who would have predicted that?
At the end of the evening a disappointed French friend of mine noticed I had a box of fresh figs.
She said that a good fig should have the same physical characteristics in terms of size and texture, as a man's testicle...
I had to concede that there is indeed more than a slight similarity.
She said that in France, a fresh fig has great erotic connotations...there's the testicle thing, and there's also the fact that when you open it up, it does look uncannily like a vagina.
Anyway, I found all this very interesting, and I will never be able to look at a fresh fig in quite the same way ever again.
I've just ordered Dave's new album (aka Cloudland Blue Quartet)
You can get it here http://crispycat-recordings.blogspot.com/
Let's all buy it and get Dave into the charts...
If you live in the West of Edinburgh you might remember Dave as a former gang leader.
(he was a founding member of "The Corstorphine Massive")
I'm sure you'll all be relieved to hear that Northern Rock shares have made an extraordinary recovery in the past week and are almost back to what I paid for them.
But will I sell?
Of course not...let the reckless gambling stupidity continue!
I enjoy the roller-coaster excitement of it all.
It makes me feel more relaxed when I watch Scotland play football...Let's please beat Georgia on Wednesday as I dread going into a match having to beat Italy.
They are the world masters of closing down a game in which they only need a draw.

When the Rezillos finished last week we were told we had to leave promptly as a club was about to start in the same venue.
As the ragtag army of aged Rezillos fans shuffled out of the venue, a queue of fresh faced, attractive 18-21 year olds waited to get in.
I thought to myself that this was life in microcosm...
It might have been appropriate if the Rezillos audience were zapped in the head by a stun gun as they passed through the fake "exit" door, thus beginning the process where they would be transformed into tins of "Chappie" dog food, on the basis that this would be the only valuable contribution they would be deemed capable of, in terms of benefit to society.
I'm only joking of course.

08/10/07 The Good Old Days

I went to see The Rezillos in Edinburgh on Saturday night...
In days of old, I was a ever-so-slightly obsessive fan...pretty much stalker-esque..
It's great to see them still rocking the joint even though they must now be in their late 70s...
The other members of my entourage participated in an extended bout of pogoing, but sadly my football-addled knees prevent me from taking part in this high-impact activity.
I was content to stand with my hands in my cardigan pockets and sway slowly from side to side as I sucked on a Worthers Original.
I had a decent gig at The Stand in Glasgow last night in spite of the fact I was a little weary from my Rezillo antics the night before.
Because of the gig I was unable to watch Scotland get knocked out the World Cup by Argentina.
From what I gather it was a fairly forgettable game and Scotland paid the price for leaving it too late to throw caution to the wind and have a go.
I heard the last 15 minutes on the radio as I drove home.
Gavin Hasting was summarising.
Now Hastings was a fantastic, swashbuckling rugby player in his heyday, and he achieved great things on the field of play.
However, as a broadcaster, he comes across as monumentally dull.
He doesn't seem to have much of interest to contribute, but he takes a hell of a long time to say it..a lot of mealy-mouthed cliche-ridden drivel.
He had me shouting at the car radio to "shut-up!" as I drove back along the M8.
He used to be on the telly summarising, but seems to have lost that gig.
I remember he couldn't seem to keep his hands still when speaking and always looked like he was attempting an Al Jolson impersonation.
At one point he started going on about how the All Blacks shouldn't be allowed to do the Haka before the game, and called it an anachronism.
Bollocks...I love the Haka...it's a good bit of theatre.
He seemed to be implying it gives the All Blacks an unfair advantage...baloney!
I hope I don't sound like I'm being too critical here...
I have begun to giggle every time I see Rafael Benitez, the Liverpool manager.
He has what you might describe as slightly goggly eyes.
I was reading an article in which he was described as looking like "a haddock playing a trumpet"...
It's just such a funny image...oh it makes me larf!

02/10/07 Working For The Man (again)

I've had to rejoin the world of temporary employment again...
Well Xmas is coming, the goose is getting fat etc etc
Apparently Scottish people are getting extremely fat and we are now only outporked by the USA!
I think the Americans are pretty secure in the number 1 spot, so things are unlikely to get worse for Scotland...
But we shouldn't rest too easy because number 2 is still pretty bad!
Personally I blame my friend Dave and Michelle McManus for raising the national average weight to such a high level.
If they were to perhaps emigrate to the "number 3" country, our stats might improve and we might slip down the table a bit?
It's a difficult one though, because as well as being a very talented musician, Dave is one of my best and longest-standing friends, and I would miss him...
However, we have to put the nation's health first...
2007 had been a great year for my reckless gambles in the stock market; well it was until a couple of weeks ago when I decided to buy a shit lot of Northern Rock shares.
Imagine I live on the 50th floor of a skyscraper and someone has just thrown an anvil from a window of the 100th storey.
What I effectively did was lean out of my window and catch the anvil, then continue downwards towards the pavement, holding the said anvil, shouting and screaming in vain for help, as my heinous misjudgement heads towards its inevitable, catastrophic conclusion.
Not my smartest move....
I thought I'd called the bottom of the market but I hadn't ...
Bugger...
And being a capitalist twat I don't expect I'm going to get an enormous amount of sympathy.
I'm still cool though in spite of being a golf-playing capitalist twat, ok?
Sensing that everyone is about to move out of myspace, I've moved in...
I suppose it's quite useful to keep a note of upcoming gigs and stuff like that.
I've got 30 friends.
That's respectable, and probably enough really.
As long as you avoid single figures you're ok.
Mind you, no-one really looks at page 2 of your friends anyway do they?
In the same way 99% of people will just look at page 1 of a Google search.
The stand-up has been going pretty well lately, mustn't grumble...
I had this idea about setting up a "human" clay-pigeon-type shooting club at Beachy Head.
I figured that this would go some way to counter the soaring "gun crime" figures by encouraging the criminal gun toting types to join the Beachy Head club and use their guns in a positive way.
I just figured that there are so many people jumping off Beachy Head, that it would make sense to tie in a sport with it.
If you're going to jump, I presume you wouldn't mind getting shot at on the way down?
Anyway, as well as getting the gunmen off the street, the club could provide a welcome financial boost to the local economy.
I'm not sure whether this is funny or not.
Only one way to find out....